Who IBU my EX or me - leaving kids alone

[Exhater]

I have a DS14 and DD12, both stay at home regularly on their own whilst I am working all day. Often 8-9 hours.
They get themselves up and go to school, get themselves home. Manage on weekends and school holidays when I'm out of the house all day etc.

I sometimes go out in the evenings and leave them till 10pm, no issue.
Recently I had a bit of a later night out, spoke to the kids and said I would be home by midnight. All fine their end, sent them a takeaway everyone was happy.....or so I thought.

My Ex found out about this and hit the roof. We split in January this year, he currently has so home of his own so cannot take the kids overnight and sees them once every week or so for an afternoon out somewhere.
He doesn't think it's appropriate for me to leave them till midnight as "anything could happen" and "I'm abandoning them"
I'm always in regular text contact with them when I'm out, we have friends up the road for an emergency etc

My argument is that "anything could happen" in daylight hours. Just because it's dark doesn't mean the actual boogeyman is going to come out.

So....AIBU??

and other posters on here) headspace.

OP asked for opinions!

Mine is that leaving DC of this age for so long, that regularly, isn't great. I wouldn't be comfortable with it but acknowledged that if OP & her DC were happy that's the main thing.

(Agree about the ex tho!)

Oh, bore off the pair of you.

If her ex was really that bothered, he'd take care of them himself instead of guilt-tripping the only parent who actually seems to give a shit about them.

A single parent with no alternative for work is one thing but not for nights out. Can you not leave the nights out for when they are with their dad?

The poor kids are left alone for too long. Agree with PP who has said that the 14 year old is basically looking after the 12. I simply dont think that the 12 year old can do everything for themselves is true. OP would like to believe it its ok to leave them alone for long periods, but its not ok. I am a single parent and worked shifts. I would want to spend time with my son whenever I can. I dont think OP spends a lot of time with the kids. Working, cleaning, cooking, house admin all take up time.

But (and not referring to your posts here!) you can give your opinion without blasting OP as a shit and neglectful mother for daring to go out once a week.

It's interesting how OP is the only present parent in her kids lives, yet some people are still determined to support the feckless ex who can't even be bothered to feed his children once a week.

Their dad doesn't have them - he doesn't even bother to take them to dinner once a week. She's already explained that.

You know your kids and what they are happy with. What does he expect you to do?!

I'm in a similar position, but ex can't have kids nor is he allowed to supervise them at our home. I don't have any family locally. We had a situation where the police came to our home while I was at work (kids fine, wasn't to do with them) in school holidays. They weren't fussed, said 12yo was very level headed. We also had social services involved at that point and they didn't see it as an issue. They can make lunch themselves if I'm not home. If I'm out in the evening, I leave them something easy to cook and they sort it out.

And those saying a 12 yo can't do everything for themselves, my 12 yo (now 13) has always been the one more likely to make a proper lunch. The 15yo would snack on crackers! Not all 12 year olds are incapable.

Children come in different personalities, temperaments, etc. Also i think the relationships we build from early on shapes them, based on who we are.

Mine are close to OP’s children’s ages but they like to come in for a cuddle before showering/getting ready for school. We make breakfast most days, some days they make it themselves. After school, one of us is there soon enough to hear about their days. Sometimes, they spend quite a while in their rooms. other days, they don’t shut up.

I’m probably “overbearing” but to me, i’m responding to how they want to /I think they should be parented.

I’m a great believer in the saying “If you are not around to hear their little things, how are they going to tell you their big things”.

It's interesting how OP is the only present parent in her kids lives, yet some people are still determined to support the feckless ex who can't even be bothered to feed his children once a week.

Yep. Agree with this.
I think that some people are being dramatic about secondary school kids going to school and coming back. My teen has a 20 minute walk to school and is happy coming home to a quiet house for some peace and quiet after the hustle and bustle of the school day.
He understands that me working means nice stuff for him and is fully on board with that.

I think you're fine OP. It sounds like you're there for them either in the morning or afternoon most work days, and you're out once a week in the evening. That's plenty of time left to spend with them, although at that age most kids don't want huge amounts of time with their parents anyway.

I wouldn't leave a 12 yo alone till midnight, but as long as their older sibling is there I can't see an issue as long as you're contactable.

I think so too. Yes a 14 year old can do occasional babysitting but 8 or 9 hours is too much. Especially on a regular basis. I also would not leave them alone until midnight.

So should I not work then? If 8 hours is too much?

I can't believe people would expect a 12 and 14yo to be babysat! Reading is fundamental because what I gathered from OP is that she usually works 6-2 or 9-5, so some mornings kids are up out out for school by themselves but OP is home when they get in from school, or with them for the getting ready/breakfast process before they all leave out and teens are home alone for a couple of hours afterschool. They are all together on the evenings for dinner/how was your day chats/prep for tomorrow and OP has a night out til 10pm a week? Presumably kids are settled/chilling and safe?? This sounds perfectly normal to me in a single parent or 2 working parent household. Independence in teenagers is not a crime. Leaving a teen and pre teen home alone for a couple hours isn't 'raising themselves' either. I always felt sorry for the kids at high school who were stiffled by their parents and not allowed to even walk home by themselves or go out with friends without a parent even though they were a teenager, I get that they probably just wanted to keep them safe, but 9 times out 10, the kid just wanted to walk home with their friends.

The older teen could start going out and you won’t know. Kids coming round to drink etc, up to no good. Be there in the evenings. They’ll see you going out and think why shouldn’t they go out. Trouble in the future that could be prevented.

Only they are never with their dad, cause he refuses to take them to his moms and wont even take them for dinner! He only ever sees them for an afternoon once a week!
And he wont stay at OPs house to stay with the kids either!

They'll see me going out so therefore they will go out? Are you being serious? My children are allowed out of the house, and as they get older I assume they will also want to be out till 10pm.....like most teens

As for the sneaking out/having kids over. I don't mind them having friends over at all. Considering I am actually there most evenings and have a ring doorbell/good communication with them this isn't a worry for me at this time.

exactly, so many things could be going wrong in their lives and you wouldn't know, drinking, drugs, county lines, grooming, underage pregnancy, getting picked up in stolen cars, "accountancy apprenticeships" internet scams, gambling, online contact with anybody or anything in the world including cults and extremists like Andrew Tate, eating disorders, homework not done, truancy, bullying, self harm, not going to bed, stds, coerced to send nudes pictures online, betraying their address to burglars, really, the list is endless. As well as do they know what to do in a fire, in a CO alarm, in a lockdown, plus, when do they get to spend times with friends? Presumably they cant go out or have people in if you are not there.

A parent needs to be there in the evenings and at night, at least

OP is a single parent who gets no support from her children's dad. She has to work full-time in order to pay her bills and put a roof over their heads.

How is she supposed to do that without leaving her children home alone when her ex can't be bothered to even take them out and feed them once a week?

There's no childcare for 12 and 14 year olds.

I think you need to calm down a little.

If they can cram all that in between 6-10 on a Wednesday evening I'd salute them. I really would 🤦🏻‍♀️

Also....what to do in a lockdown?! I'll teach them what to do in a nuclear attack as well shall I?

Your words “not a worry at this time” - check this in a few months. I doubt that the kid and friends will be playing scrabble and drinking fizzy cola.

Right?!

Everyone seems to be assuming that OP is out of the house from the crack of dawn until 10pm, every day, plus sometimes until midnight, but that is not what Ive gathered form OPs posts.

Shes either gone in the morning, before they go to school, or shes there in the morning and then home a bit later.

She has a once a week activity until 10pm, and then wants to go out for the night once a week.

When I was 14, my parents would go out for dinner at friends houses without us. Im sure they invited us, but we were teens and did NOT want to go!

We started going home from school, alone when we were about 11/12, once we moved closer to the school. It was still a good 30 minute walk/15 minute bus ride. I also tended to stay at school late, with my friends. So much so that I started having a curfew of being home by 7.30, as I was consistently not getting home until nearly 9pm (which was still in time for dinner, but only just!)

I know my kids, and I very much doubt they'll be doing anything other than playing GTA, coding mods on the laptop or eating the entirety of the snack cupboard