To refuse to do pointless domestic tasks and just read my book?

[Nereides]

I’m absolutely sick of DH whinging at me. The garden needs weeding, the windows need cleaning, kids toys need tidying and pairing up in sets, old toys need taking to the charity shop, outgrown clothes need bagging up, the junk cupboard needs cleaning out, the car needs washing, the bathroom ceiling needs repainting, etc. None of the things he’s whinging about are urgent or even essential, and imo they can be ignored pretty much indefinitely.

I want to read a book, or paint a picture, or watch a movie, or take DC for a bike ride. Currently I’m sitting reading and DH is moaning that I’m lazy and stuff needs doing. With a boring part time job and two kids to look after I have very limited time for myself, and he wants me to spend it on tasks that aren’t important or fulfilling. Personally I don’t give a shit that the old toys need chucking out - I want to read my book. I’m not bothered if I’m driving a muddy car - I want to finish painting my portrait.

DH is yelling that this stuff might not be fulfilling but it’s essential. But if I spend my limited free time doing pointless “essential” shit like sorting toys and washing the car, when am I actually supposed to live my life and derive any enjoyment from it? Am I supposed to feel fulfilled by having a slightly tidier house or a cleaner car? With limited free time I have to choose what I spend it on, and I choose to read my book rather than sorting out piles of old clothes.

I should point out that I do a lot of essential stuff already. I wash the kids, help with homework, drive them around, read to them. I do laundry, cook, wash dishes, hoover, clean the bathroom. The basics of survival. But I don’t want to do any more than that. I particularly don’t want to do unnecessary tasks like cleaning out the junk cupboard, at the expense of reading my book. It’s like he wants my entire life to be drudgery with no mental stimulation at all.

AIBU to tell him to fuck off and just continue reading my book while the rain washes my car?

How many of these essential tasks does he do?

Yabu.

Especially if you expect your dh to do all the work while you sit on your arse

If both of you were happy to only do the basics it would be a different story.

Why can't he do all that? As long as everyone is cleanish, fed and safe, reading a book sounds like the best option. Also it's good to model reading to children, they need to see it as an activity of choice, not a school chore.

Tell your dh to start doing these ‘essential’ tasks if it bothers him so much.
It appears as though you are fed up Op.

I think it's all about balance.
Those boring, unnecessary tasks do ought to be done at some point and it doesn't feel nice when they build up but at the same time, you absolutely need to take time out for yourself every once in a while, of course.

I find scheduling the tasks in can help, even scheduling in time to chill. You can't be on the go all the time without recharging but you can't leave everything unless it's absolutely essential.

I hope you enjoy your book when you finally get the chance to read it!

Surely you can do both? Spend an hour chilling then do a bit of the work that needs doing together and then back to it?

I love your post OP. I have a dozen books sitting on my bookshelf that I want to read, a keen Interest to learn chess, a meditation app that I purchased but rarely use. The list goes on and one but I am stuck in the drudgery of doing endless household tasks which all become essential because no one else will do it. Good on you OP for having the determination prioritising the important things in life. I need to follow your example

They might not be "essential", but a lot of the things you mention mount up until (for some people at least), it can start to feel quite untidy and unkempt. If you actually love and respect your DH and also want him to feel comfortable in his own home, why not agree to compromise and tick off some of the tasks together, on condition that he then won't complain when you want to sit for an hour afterwards and read your book?

I love reading, any chance to read I will however if my home is unkept and a dump I can't concentrate on my book.

So really would a task or two that would take a hour of your time really matter? Then you can go back to reading your book. I would tell him he can clean the car or whatever while you do another task though.

I don't think those things are pointless though, and clearly neither does your DH, so that's where the issue lies. You've got different priorities/standards when it comes to housework. If you work part time and he works full time, and the kids are school age, most people would expect you to be doing more (unless you're incapacitated for some reason, of course). You could sit down together and agree a priority list of jobs, a weekly schedule of who does what, and allocated leisure time for both of you. Then you would both have to compromise a little.

If a woman came on saying that their house needed lots of work doing to it and listed all the things in the op and said her oh was refusing to help and spend all his spare time doing his hobby, not 1 poster would say it was ok and that she should just crack on and do all the work herself

Can you both agree a set time at the weekend that is your ‘protected’ time to do whatever you want. He should also have an equivalent time at some point in the week. Then you can both work on the jobs outside of the protected times knowing that you will have your chance for your stuff.

Yabvu. Just spend a few hours doing some jobs together and go to bed early with your book.

Whats he doing when he's dishing out the orders?

I'd probably compromise, one task that needs doing and both do it together to get it out of the way and then he can shove off with his demands.

Spend two hours together doing one or more of these tasks and then sit down and read. Put a timer on

Why does everything have to be a battle? Unless he is expecting you to do everything while he does nothing, then why go out of your way to help make a nasty atmosphere.

Everyone is clean, fed and safe. DH is obsessed with doing non essential tasks instead of relaxing, so he’s washing his car and getting angry that I’m not washing my car. Because he says he’ll have to wash it. I said don’t wash it then - just leave it, I don’t care if it’s muddy. Yesterday he paired up play sets with the correct bits all afternoon, and got annoyed that I was watching The Lion King with the kids. Because I don’t care if the bits of the play sets are all mixed up in different boxes. Just leave them? DC are only going to mix them up again. I’m sick of him being angry because I want to do more with my life than just constant tidying.

What are you reading?

Tbf you aren't reading, you are playing on your phone or tablet.

I wonder if you have a whiff of superiority about you-I'm creative, he's dull-which I would find very annoying if I was him.

But they aren’t pointless tasks they are things that need doing, just spend a couple of hours each weekend ticking one or two off the list.

This.

How did you get this far into a relationship with some you're completely incompatible with?

Also funny how we've gone from you listing essential jobs to changing it to him being mad at you for not wanting to do stuff just because he is

You’re not wrong. Downtime is so important. Life’s too short.

Pretty sure this is the other way round and its DW moaning about puzzles and junk drawers while DH does his ‘hobbies’ 😂