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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to do pointless domestic tasks and just read my book?

475 replies

Nereides · 30/04/2023 12:04

I’m absolutely sick of DH whinging at me. The garden needs weeding, the windows need cleaning, kids toys need tidying and pairing up in sets, old toys need taking to the charity shop, outgrown clothes need bagging up, the junk cupboard needs cleaning out, the car needs washing, the bathroom ceiling needs repainting, etc. None of the things he’s whinging about are urgent or even essential, and imo they can be ignored pretty much indefinitely.

I want to read a book, or paint a picture, or watch a movie, or take DC for a bike ride. Currently I’m sitting reading and DH is moaning that I’m lazy and stuff needs doing. With a boring part time job and two kids to look after I have very limited time for myself, and he wants me to spend it on tasks that aren’t important or fulfilling. Personally I don’t give a shit that the old toys need chucking out - I want to read my book. I’m not bothered if I’m driving a muddy car - I want to finish painting my portrait.

DH is yelling that this stuff might not be fulfilling but it’s essential. But if I spend my limited free time doing pointless “essential” shit like sorting toys and washing the car, when am I actually supposed to live my life and derive any enjoyment from it? Am I supposed to feel fulfilled by having a slightly tidier house or a cleaner car? With limited free time I have to choose what I spend it on, and I choose to read my book rather than sorting out piles of old clothes.

I should point out that I do a lot of essential stuff already. I wash the kids, help with homework, drive them around, read to them. I do laundry, cook, wash dishes, hoover, clean the bathroom. The basics of survival. But I don’t want to do any more than that. I particularly don’t want to do unnecessary tasks like cleaning out the junk cupboard, at the expense of reading my book. It’s like he wants my entire life to be drudgery with no mental stimulation at all.

AIBU to tell him to fuck off and just continue reading my book while the rain washes my car?

OP posts:
Bunnybeeee · 02/05/2023 07:36

Everyone in my house knows my deal at the weekend. If it's thier day off from school, it's my day off from house work 🤷‍♀️ it'll still be mostly there tomorrow when they're at school and if it's bothering anyone, they all know where the cleaning products live. It's not unreasonable to take a day off.

Happyasalamb · 02/05/2023 07:49

So what household tasks is your husband doing? It's very easy to have higher standards when you expect the work to be done by someone else.

If you can't agree, a compromise may be in order - pay someone else to do the jobs neither of you want to do.

inamarina · 02/05/2023 08:30

Anskl · 01/05/2023 18:41

I'm with your husband on this one. It drives me mad when domestic tasks are backing up and DH's doesn't notice/doesn't care because his nose is buried in a book. Get the tasks done then chill, FFS!

She’s doing tasks all week though (getting up with the kids, getting them ready for school, dropping them off at school, picking them up, taking them to after school activities, helping with homework, cooking dinner, doing some housework/ ironing). While kids are at school she’s at work.
I really don’t understand why some posters on here seem to think she sits there reading her book all day every day.
There is a never ending list of domestic tasks when you have kids, they’re never all “done”. OP needs some time to herself, nothing wrong with it.

blahblahblah1654 · 02/05/2023 08:33

user1477391263 · 02/05/2023 03:21

I know this is a boring answer, but the only solution to this is a compromise. You need to list up tasks together, decide what is a reasonable pace and then assign tasks accordingly. Say, “Each non working day, we do a couple of tasks on the list each, then we chill and enjoy our weekends.”

Being obsessed with busy-ness and task-ticking for the sake of it and never being able to relax and enjoy life can be a compulsive disease for some people. On the other hand, things like taking crap to a charity shop etc does kind of need to get done sooner or later, and these tasks can pile up and translate into a messy, cluttered home if you are not careful.

You need to work out a compromise and appropriate pace, and then both do a couple of tasks each per day.

He should compromise by taking less time for his hobbies and not working longer hours than necessary, and spending more time with his kids. The OP rarely gets any free time as it is.

Lampzade · 02/05/2023 08:35

inamarina · 02/05/2023 08:30

She’s doing tasks all week though (getting up with the kids, getting them ready for school, dropping them off at school, picking them up, taking them to after school activities, helping with homework, cooking dinner, doing some housework/ ironing). While kids are at school she’s at work.
I really don’t understand why some posters on here seem to think she sits there reading her book all day every day.
There is a never ending list of domestic tasks when you have kids, they’re never all “done”. OP needs some time to herself, nothing wrong with it.

Show quote history

This

inamarina · 02/05/2023 09:06

JusthereforXmas · 01/05/2023 18:43

Childcare is a JOB and parenting 24/7 childcare job.

He comes home from his 'job' then bitches she isn't 'doing more' so he can relax... He is NOT working 'full time'.

The idea that a part time working parent during school hours so she can raise the kids when they aren't in childcare 'isn't full time work' and has 'off time' is not only perpetrating ongoing sexism but also fucking ridiculous.

Show quote history

The idea that a part time working parent during school hours so she can raise the kids when they aren't in childcare 'isn't full time work' and has 'off time' is not only perpetrating ongoing sexism but also fucking ridiculous.

Agree. People are going on about how she’s “only” working part-time, when she stated that she goes to work straight after drop off and finishes work right before pick up time. To me her week days sound quite busy.

wentworthinmate · 02/05/2023 09:09

Botw1 · 30/04/2023 12:18

If a woman came on saying that their house needed lots of work doing to it and listed all the things in the op and said her oh was refusing to help and spend all his spare time doing his hobby, not 1 poster would say it was ok and that she should just crack on and do all the work herself

Exactly this. YABU.

Boysnana · 02/05/2023 09:16

Again... here's another selfish arse who I would tell to Foxtrot Oscar .

inamarina · 02/05/2023 09:18

RunningRunningRunningRunningRunning · 01/05/2023 19:04

You sound lazy if all those things need doing and you are sat there reading a book I'd be mad too. You only work part-time so I'm pretty sure you have time to laze about with a book between dropping the kids off and putting a load in the washer. Life is too short... to live in a pit full of old clothes and outgrown toys. Get your jobs done and then laze, or at least make a start.

You only work part-time so I'm pretty sure you have time to laze about with a book between dropping the kids off and putting a load in the washer

After dropping off the kids she goes straight to work until it’s time to pick them up again. So no, she hasn’t got time to “laze about” after drop off.
Some people here seem to find the idea of a woman wanting to sit and read for a while instead of ticking off tasks from an endless list of chores so outrageous that they don’t read her posts properly.

Dibbydoos · 02/05/2023 09:23

Sounds completely reasonable to me, OP.

it sounds like youve reasoned with him like you have in your posts and hes not listening.

Poor him.

btw, the kids can help keep their toys together anyway.

inamarina · 02/05/2023 09:29

Wonderway19 · 01/05/2023 19:10

I didn’t miss that… she works part time. He works full time. He bring in more money than she does, she gets days off without the children to sit and do absolutely nothing, he doesn’t. So why should he spend his weekend doing jobs that she could do during the week whilst he’s keeping a roof over their head?
If the shoe was on the other foot you’d be man bashing 🙄

Show quote history

she gets days off without the children to sit and do absolutely nothing

Again, where are people getting this idea from? Where did she say she gets “days off to sit around”?

What she said was: “I get the kids up and ready for school every day by myself. Start work as soon as I’ve dropped them off. Finish shortly before I pick them up.”
Where exactly is her time to “do absolutely nothing”?

Freezylap · 02/05/2023 09:30

I totally agree with you. If he finds cleaning and tidying fulfilling then he can enjoy those tasks. I need my downtime just like you.

No one is being sent to school in dirty clothes. Housework literally never ends if you don’t want it to. You’re right to draw a line and say this is enough.

Sandrine1982 · 02/05/2023 09:33

Haha your DH sounds like me :)

inamarina · 02/05/2023 09:44

ImNotAsThinkAsYouDrunkIAm · 01/05/2023 21:28

Bloody hell, what is it with all the posters who haven’t rtft and can’t grasp that part time doesn’t always mean days off in the week or mornings only or whatever. You do realise that working school hours 5 days a week = part time, and that if you work this pattern you DON’T get time to yourself where you are not either working or looking after the children?

OP, if I were you I’d start taking your book elsewhere for chunks of time at the weekend. When you dh moans, point out that it’s the same amount of time he was at brass band practice or whatever.

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I also don’t get why so many people here think that working part time equals having plenty of time to “laze about”. I used to work similar hours like OP and my days were full.

toomuchlaundry · 02/05/2023 09:46

@Sandrine1982 is that something to be proud of? Sounds like he would rather wash the car than be with his kids and avoids them during the week too

GreenSunfish · 02/05/2023 10:40

TragicTess · 30/04/2023 12:21

What are you reading?

I burst out laughing when I read this 👆

Sleepysophie · 02/05/2023 11:06

Have you considered you may not be compatible? It doesn't sound like either of you are happy.

Doone21 · 02/05/2023 11:33

Well is only working part time as well? If he's full time then he's right to moan. You didn't say how much me time he has so I assume none?
Most people have to work full time and do house and garden and kids between them. Why do you have this house an garden and family if you only want to sit by yourself and read all the time? They all take effort.

Bamboozleme · 02/05/2023 11:41

Doone21 · 02/05/2023 11:33

Well is only working part time as well? If he's full time then he's right to moan. You didn't say how much me time he has so I assume none?
Most people have to work full time and do house and garden and kids between them. Why do you have this house an garden and family if you only want to sit by yourself and read all the time? They all take effort.

He was a “right” to moan if working full time

hope he made that clear before he and op came to decision for her to go part time!

greyhairnomore · 02/05/2023 11:46

Maebh9 · 30/04/2023 13:39

Yes I think people who do housework at the expense of pleasure are small-minded, smug, boring, never grew out of worrying about what other people think. I can't understand what you think life is for. On your death beds will you be all "if only I'd spent longer WEEDING THE LAWN!!!! dies"?

There's so much pleasure to be had in this life and you're spending it with a toiletbrush in your hand.

Tragic.

Absolutely

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/05/2023 12:16

greyhairnomore · 02/05/2023 11:46

Absolutely

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Oh but come on! This is mumsnet! where you have to be a Martyr with your own wants and needs coming last at all times

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/05/2023 12:21

greyhairnomore · 02/05/2023 11:46

Absolutely

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Also the very idea of a toilet brush would give a lot of mumsnetters conniptions!

I have literally no idea how they clean their toilet without one but 🤷‍♀️

Dracuuule · 02/05/2023 12:35

Have you told him that he appears to have 20hrs of free time whilst you have barely any?

MadMadaMim · 02/05/2023 12:52

I had this.

Go away for 2 weeks. Far away. Love T him see the reality of your daily life. Only way to make OH understand. He never whinged again about my being lazy and having loads of free time compared to him bla bla bla

Montelukast · 02/05/2023 13:05

You are not unreasonable.
I cannot stand constant tidying and jobs. Sounds like you already do Lots, and it’s okay to have time to do things you care about too- otherwise literally what is the point ?
I think as long as your kitchen and bathroom is hygienic, the family is fed and happy and basic stuff has been done why on earth would you spend your precious free time doing stuff that doesn’t bring you joy.
yes inessential things add up eventually. Maybe do one a week. Or combine tasks and trips.
I think it sounds like you need to communicate to each other. People have really different standards and expectations when it comes to housework. Could you afford a cleaner for example ? Tackle things little and often and they don’t become big tasks.

I don’t wash my car either !!!