To refuse to do pointless domestic tasks and just read my book?

[Nereides]

I’m absolutely sick of DH whinging at me. The garden needs weeding, the windows need cleaning, kids toys need tidying and pairing up in sets, old toys need taking to the charity shop, outgrown clothes need bagging up, the junk cupboard needs cleaning out, the car needs washing, the bathroom ceiling needs repainting, etc. None of the things he’s whinging about are urgent or even essential, and imo they can be ignored pretty much indefinitely.

I want to read a book, or paint a picture, or watch a movie, or take DC for a bike ride. Currently I’m sitting reading and DH is moaning that I’m lazy and stuff needs doing. With a boring part time job and two kids to look after I have very limited time for myself, and he wants me to spend it on tasks that aren’t important or fulfilling. Personally I don’t give a shit that the old toys need chucking out - I want to read my book. I’m not bothered if I’m driving a muddy car - I want to finish painting my portrait.

DH is yelling that this stuff might not be fulfilling but it’s essential. But if I spend my limited free time doing pointless “essential” shit like sorting toys and washing the car, when am I actually supposed to live my life and derive any enjoyment from it? Am I supposed to feel fulfilled by having a slightly tidier house or a cleaner car? With limited free time I have to choose what I spend it on, and I choose to read my book rather than sorting out piles of old clothes.

I should point out that I do a lot of essential stuff already. I wash the kids, help with homework, drive them around, read to them. I do laundry, cook, wash dishes, hoover, clean the bathroom. The basics of survival. But I don’t want to do any more than that. I particularly don’t want to do unnecessary tasks like cleaning out the junk cupboard, at the expense of reading my book. It’s like he wants my entire life to be drudgery with no mental stimulation at all.

AIBU to tell him to fuck off and just continue reading my book while the rain washes my car?

OP this is my favourite poem. I think you'll like it too.

Dust If You Must,by Rose Milligan

Dust if you must, but wouldn't it be better
To paint a picture, or write a letter,
Bake a cake, or plant a seed;
Ponder the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must, but there's not much time,
With rivers to swim, and mountains to climb;
Music to hear, and books to read;
Friends to cherish, and life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world's out there
With the sun in your eyes, and the wind in your hair;
A flutter of snow, a shower of rain,
This day will not come around again.

Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
Old age will come and it's not kind.
And when you go (and go you must)
You, yourself, will make more dust.

What a load of shite

It's not either or.

You can dust and bake.

Dust and swim in a river ffs

You do you OP.
You obviously value doing the bare minimum and living in a shabby, disorganised, dirty environment, so just keep going with the sitting down 👍

It's all about balance isn't it? Most of us would rather do fun things than chores, but if we don't do the latter sometimes then we end up in a cluttered, grotty house, and personally I can't relax or enjoy time in the house if it's in shambles! So you do the chores to enable you to enjoy the fun stuff properly. I can't switch off and enjoy a film for two hours if I'm sitting in chaos, but if the house is clean and tidy then I can.

I get the kids up and ready for school every day by myself. Start work as soon as I’ve dropped them off. Finish shortly before I pick them up. Then I take them to swimming or whatever else they need driving to, or to the park. Then I feed them and help with their homework and read with them. Do a bit of housework or ironing. Then I cook for DH coming home. I don’t have any time to myself during the day. If DH isn’t out and it’s not my turn to put them to bed I get an hour to myself in the evening. Then at the weekend he’s whinging that my car needs washing and the garden needs weeding. Just leave it? I’m tired already and I still have the kids to look after by myself because he’s outside pissing about washing his car.

I think yabu. I see most of the things on your list as achievable by doing a little bit most days. If I sat reading as much as I wanted to my house would be a shithole. A clean and tidy house is important to me though; I’d hate piles of things sitting waiting to be taken to the charity shop endlessly. Garden weeding and car cleaning aren’t important to me though so I wouldn’t care about that.
Dh does all the diy around the house and cooks, plus does stuff with the dc as and when. We’re compatible and both appreciate downtime which is very important but not at the detriment of the house. It doesn’t have to be either or, it’s possible to do a couple of things from your list and also sit and read for a bit.

@Nereides

That's just life and parenting

You work part time so must have some days during the week where you jave all day to yourself while the kids are at school.

Send the kids out to help him wash the car or weed or get him to take them to an activity

But you're very much not hard done to

You dont have to agree with him on every task he needs doing bit you do need to do a bit more than just the very basics

I'm with you, OP, but I also think there's a bit of balance to be had. Spend half an hour cleaning the inside of the windows and most of them won't need doing again for months. My kitchen looks brighter with clean windows and I do those more often. Clean the car once a month, again takes half an hour. If the weeds aren't removed, they do end up spreading. Or, can you do the inside stuff and DH do outside (including car!)? That's what we do. I don't do much cleaning (found a Christmas bauble under the sofa last week!) but do spend half an hour once a day clearing up or sorting junk, because it makes DH happy and I do think a less cluttered home is more restful. Then I can spend all evening reading and feel I've earned it.

I’m tired already and I still have the kids to look after by myself because he’s outside pissing about washing his car.

How exactly are you "looking after" the SC when you're (supposedly) reading and pissing about on MN? Your DH is at least doing something productive with his time and you're criticising him for it.

DC*

As you say everyone is well taken care of and you’re not living in some kind of squalor. I know it’s not the same but I house shared with someone like that once and it drove me mad. Easier for me to change my living situation though. Maybe as a compromise do one of those things a day/few days whichever suits best. This seems like a compromise situation to me as neither of you are really in the wrong.

You work part time so must have some days during the week where you jave all day to yourself while the kids are at school.
I work while they’re at school then I pick them up and drive them to hobbies, read and do homework etc. They’re prescribed melatonin but they still don’t sleep till 9pm, sometimes later. I don’t get any time to myself on a week day unless DH is doing bedtime.

It sounds like you feel superior to him, that would piss me off in his place.

Can dh not take them to their hobbies? You could take turns

@Nereides

But you've plenty of time to read and do painting

I’m with you on certain tasks.
pie argue the point about entropy. Get him to look it up. All systems in the universe will go from order to disorder without energy to maintain the order.

If he accepts that, which as a law of physics is pretty difficult for him to ignore, then point out much of what he wants to do, like most housework, is just using energy to put order into reversing or trying to stop disorder . That’s why housework is a soul destroying, brain numbing occupation- you will never ever acheive order for more than a few minutes before whatever you’ve tidied and cleaned starts to disorganise again .

now some tasks will be dangerous or a risk to health if left alone to the results of entropy. If you don’t clean certain areas of your house you could all get ill 🤢. Some stuff that you might want to leave could cause wasted energy elsewhere- like massive untidiness or hoarding, you could waste huge amounts of time looking for items lists in chaos.

so, where do you both draw the line at stuff that doesn’t fulfill those categories. Washing the exterior of the car for instance ? Someone correct me if I’m wrng but unless you live in area high in sea salt your car won’t rust or dissolve by being dirty- but if it’s obscuring your vision or police ID of number plate then yep falls into the above must do categories. Pairing or sorting sets of toys? If your kids aren’t stopping playing with them becuase they’re disordered then he’s fighting an absolute constant state of entropy and frankly that one is a bit OCD if kids aren’t whinging about it. so, those things comes down to aesthetics over what pleases him and calms him in terms of levels of order, whereas for you it doesn’t bother you.

I would, once you’ve got that bit through to him, sit down and agree what household tasks across all household tasks need doing in his mind and all the things you already do that he might not have on his radar when calling you lazy.

Then set time that you are willing to spend on it , particularly when kids around. Remind him that the kids won’t remember or benefit or thank him for being stuck outside washing the car, sorting toys vs you sitting inside watching the lion king with them. You are still doing a job - it’s called parenting and the kids will benefit from him sitting on his lazy arse engaging with them watching tv too.

I think you are best setting a clear boundary for how much time in the course of a month you can both agree you’ll do random entropy battles together . He can then battle on alone if something bothers him that much

Yabvu - these things have to be done eventually.

I said the other day to DP that we need to sort out the shoes in the under stairs cupboard. Do I want to? Not really. Will shoes continue to pile up and drive us both bonkers if we don’t. Yes! It will take all of 30 minutes.

You can’t live in a world full of clutter OP and it’s not fair on your husband that he has to do all of these jobs himself!

I don't agree that neither of them is wrong. It doesn't sound like they are living in a hovel with grease everywhere at all. I wouldn't care if there was mud on the car either, in fact I am sure there is mud on mine. He's got aims for the weekend, she doesn't share them, there's nothing to stop him doing what he wants.

I’m absolutely sick of DH whinging at me. The garden needs weeding, the windows need cleaning, kids toys need tidying and pairing up in sets, old toys need taking to the charity shop, outgrown clothes need bagging up, the junk cupboard needs cleaning out, the car needs washing, the bathroom ceiling needs repainting, etc. None of the things he’s whinging about are urgent or even essential, and imo they can be ignored pretty much indefinitely.

I don't think any of those can be ignored indefinitely - they might not be urgent but they do need doing at some point.

That said, they don't need to take up the entire weekend - I would set aside a couple of hours on a Saturday morning with the aim of getting one/two jobs done each week. Then you have the rest of the weekend to mess about on your phone read your book.

Get the DC involved too where possible - they can tidy their toys and pair them into sets, they can put old clothes into bags once they've been sorted, they can help DH wash the car in return for something fun afterwards etc.

I would not be sitting down until all those things were done.. but that’s just me.

We do the indoor/outdoor thing. I loathe gardening and associated maintenance and he hates batch cooking and going through out grown clothes and sorting paperwork so we lay to our strengths. Nowt wrong with that.

I sort of get you in that dh likes us both to be busy or both not busy. So if he's doing a chore he likes me to be doing one. I tell him he's a twat if he gets naggy (and my chores are done already) and he tells me I'm a lazy moo if I keep putting stuff off. It's just mild ltr bickering like forgetting to bring loo roll upstairs or heating wars.

These things do have to be done though by both of you. Make them more palatable? I listen to audio books or podcasts when I do mine for example. He washes the car to music (in the day time in the week when the neighbours are out I hasten to add!)

Thing is if you leave these things like weeding, it gets worse and worse and worse as the weeds spread until you have to spend a entire weekend weeding.
Same with house work.

Very interesting and explains why I feel so disheartened when my cleaning/tidying has gone to pot soon after! I remember when my children were young I was determined to keep their loose Lego in colour coordinated bins (all reds together, all blues etc). It was such a waste of time I have no idea why I thought it would work but it felt good to see them like that for a few minutes. I had the sense to give that up though!

@Whiteroomjoy

you will never ever acheive order for more than a few minutes before whatever you’ve tidied and cleaned starts to disorganise again

A few minutes?

Is there something magical going on in your house that stuff untidies itself?

My house stays tidy with very little effort

I'm on your side OP.

There are several people on here deliberately trying to goad you, it's quite embarrassing for them.

I wonder if it makes them feel good about themselves?