To refuse to do pointless domestic tasks and just read my book?

[Nereides]

I’m absolutely sick of DH whinging at me. The garden needs weeding, the windows need cleaning, kids toys need tidying and pairing up in sets, old toys need taking to the charity shop, outgrown clothes need bagging up, the junk cupboard needs cleaning out, the car needs washing, the bathroom ceiling needs repainting, etc. None of the things he’s whinging about are urgent or even essential, and imo they can be ignored pretty much indefinitely.

I want to read a book, or paint a picture, or watch a movie, or take DC for a bike ride. Currently I’m sitting reading and DH is moaning that I’m lazy and stuff needs doing. With a boring part time job and two kids to look after I have very limited time for myself, and he wants me to spend it on tasks that aren’t important or fulfilling. Personally I don’t give a shit that the old toys need chucking out - I want to read my book. I’m not bothered if I’m driving a muddy car - I want to finish painting my portrait.

DH is yelling that this stuff might not be fulfilling but it’s essential. But if I spend my limited free time doing pointless “essential” shit like sorting toys and washing the car, when am I actually supposed to live my life and derive any enjoyment from it? Am I supposed to feel fulfilled by having a slightly tidier house or a cleaner car? With limited free time I have to choose what I spend it on, and I choose to read my book rather than sorting out piles of old clothes.

I should point out that I do a lot of essential stuff already. I wash the kids, help with homework, drive them around, read to them. I do laundry, cook, wash dishes, hoover, clean the bathroom. The basics of survival. But I don’t want to do any more than that. I particularly don’t want to do unnecessary tasks like cleaning out the junk cupboard, at the expense of reading my book. It’s like he wants my entire life to be drudgery with no mental stimulation at all.

AIBU to tell him to fuck off and just continue reading my book while the rain washes my car?

I listen to audible versions of books while I do these types of chores- is that a possible compromise?

Yes they would. In fact the vast majority would be telling her that he needed his downtime and if she wants anything doing she should do it herself. You know this if you read threads on here.

@Maebh9

You think less of people who do housework?

That's weird

And let's be honest @Botw1 you would be one of those telling her to suck it up and do it all herself

@pillsthrillsandbellyache

I have.

There are a few posters who routinely pop up to say that women should do everything and poor menz should do nothing but they are very rare

Yes I think people who do housework at the expense of pleasure are small-minded, smug, boring, never grew out of worrying about what other people think. I can't understand what you think life is for. On your death beds will you be all "if only I'd spent longer WEEDING THE LAWN!!!! dies"?

There's so much pleasure to be had in this life and you're spending it with a toiletbrush in your hand.

Tragic.

@pillsthrillsandbellyache

No I wouldnt

I think housework, childcare and work should all be shared equally and that kids should do their bit too.

I think everyone should get time to themselves and for hobbies as long as its done fairly

No they aren't very rare😁 the vast majority of posters tell the OP in your scenario that she shouldn't expect anything else from him especially if, God forbid, he works. You are normally one of those posters. So why lie?

@Maebh9

Oh right

Yeah I dint know anyone who does housework at the expense of pleasure

Most people I know manage to balance both

I dont care what people think but don't want to live in a shit hole for my own preference so manage to keep it clean and tidy and work full time, and spend time with the kids and have time to myself

🤷‍♀️

I can't relax when the house is a mess. I'd rather get stuff done before I have time to myself. Some things can wait. It does my head in when my husband doesn't get off his Xbox and help me round the house when stuff needs doing and I don't think this is any different. Unless it's usually you that does everything and he's lazy, then yabu.

And I've never understood the "kids should do it too" thing. You literally forced them to exist! Why should they clean your shower?

No you don't @Botw1 you always make excuses for the poor men. It's no surprise to me that you are calling the OP lazy now its the other way round.

@pillsthrillsandbellyache

Well that does not feel at all stalkery or weird lol

I'm not lying.

But if you can fund any post of mine where I've told someone they shouldn't expect their male oh to do anything at all ever especially if they work that would be amazing

@Maebh9

🤣

Because its not my shower. They use it too.

I cant do anything about forcing them to exist, unfortunately

@Botw1 It is a little stalkery I'll give you that. Posters who always defend lazy, idle man babies stick out to me though. You always do. Maybe not in so many words but in a passive aggressive way that's designed to make a put upon woman feel like she's just not doing enough.

This is just a case of different standards and you should try to find a compromise.

They use it because you wanted them to. It's mad to behave as though they owe you anything.

YANBU. Not one single one of the things you've mentioned is essential. Not cleaning your windows or putting stuff in a charity bag hardly means living in a "shit tip". If they bother your husband, then he can crack on. You're not stopping him from doing them. I'd say the same if a woman were complaining that her husband were wanting to read/draw/whatever when she thought he should be pairing up stray toys/.

What is essential is that you have a little bit of time that isn't either work or childcare.

By your logic then, it's never necessary to wash the car, sort the garden out or clear out old stuff? What happens after, say, five years of neglecting to do this? Most people do this stuff a bit at a time on an ongoing basis, alongside chill out time and whatever else they want to do in life.

He sounds a bit ocd. I had this badly when the dcs were younger. I was always busy and could never relax, I used to get angry at dh for not “doing stuff” all the time.

Now I’m older I do the bare minimum around the house, it’s cleanish and tidy - I make the beds, sweep, do the laundry and cooking/clearing up afterwards etc but I rarely give things a proper top to bottom clean like I used to and it really doesn’t make any difference - the house looks fine. If I see a few cobwebs I brush them away and I do the insides of the windows about twice a year - they look fine. I’ve realised that a lot of the stuff I did before was just unnecessary and more about me feeling like I always had to be busy.

Its something I really regret - I wash I’d spent more time playing with the dcs. You sound like you’ve got your priorities right OP.

A tip, @Nereides. My car has just had its two-year service. They washed it as part of the service, so I suggest you do that. It's the first wash mine has had since I bought it new, so it will have another one in another two years' time. That is plenty.

Life is long and boring and can get very groundhog-day-ish. Some of that stuff can just be done another day. Life's too short to always, always be doing all the boring chores, a wee little time off for a few hours is no great shakes.

A car can be taken through a car wash. Old clothes can be put in a recycling bin, that's 3 of the list.

And why the hell does it matter to your husband if your car is muddy? I genuinely don't see why this should bother him.

Calm down.