To refuse to do pointless domestic tasks and just read my book?

[Nereides]

I’m absolutely sick of DH whinging at me. The garden needs weeding, the windows need cleaning, kids toys need tidying and pairing up in sets, old toys need taking to the charity shop, outgrown clothes need bagging up, the junk cupboard needs cleaning out, the car needs washing, the bathroom ceiling needs repainting, etc. None of the things he’s whinging about are urgent or even essential, and imo they can be ignored pretty much indefinitely.

I want to read a book, or paint a picture, or watch a movie, or take DC for a bike ride. Currently I’m sitting reading and DH is moaning that I’m lazy and stuff needs doing. With a boring part time job and two kids to look after I have very limited time for myself, and he wants me to spend it on tasks that aren’t important or fulfilling. Personally I don’t give a shit that the old toys need chucking out - I want to read my book. I’m not bothered if I’m driving a muddy car - I want to finish painting my portrait.

DH is yelling that this stuff might not be fulfilling but it’s essential. But if I spend my limited free time doing pointless “essential” shit like sorting toys and washing the car, when am I actually supposed to live my life and derive any enjoyment from it? Am I supposed to feel fulfilled by having a slightly tidier house or a cleaner car? With limited free time I have to choose what I spend it on, and I choose to read my book rather than sorting out piles of old clothes.

I should point out that I do a lot of essential stuff already. I wash the kids, help with homework, drive them around, read to them. I do laundry, cook, wash dishes, hoover, clean the bathroom. The basics of survival. But I don’t want to do any more than that. I particularly don’t want to do unnecessary tasks like cleaning out the junk cupboard, at the expense of reading my book. It’s like he wants my entire life to be drudgery with no mental stimulation at all.

AIBU to tell him to fuck off and just continue reading my book while the rain washes my car?

I get it OP. I’m a reader too.

It takes a lot of work just to keep everything ticking over as a mum. It feels like unnecessary drudgery to do even more…

We all have lists in our heads of extra things that could or should be done but most of it will keep for another time.

I have a friend with a DH like yours that thinks she should be constantly painting or gardening or washing cars or doing extra stuff. If she’s exhausted, she feels too guilty to take a nap that would do her the world of good as she sleeps very poorly (and her DH snores)! I don’t think I could live with someone like her DH.

The kids will be grown up eventually and there will be plenty of time for tidying junk drawers and throwing out old toys, in my opinion. Everyone is different and some people’s MH requires a bit more downtime in order to be able to keep going with the day-to-day…and clearly some people’s MH requires crossing as many chores as possible off a list. I think it’s unfair to try to force one’s partner into things or use guilt-trips, so clearly a bit of open and honest communication and negotiation is required in your situation. Good luck!

Or maybe they genuinely disagree with her?

Shocking concept, I know

Yes, some people on this thread disagree, and have politely stated the reason why, suggesting alternatives.

Others have simply commented with the intention to make her feel bad.

I'm not sure how OP is living in a dusty shabby environment.

If the work that remains needing to be done is organizing a junk drawer or pairing play sets, I'd say the OP is doing an excellent job keeping her home clean and organized.

Most of those things are rainy day stuff, apart from the windows or the car.

I had a company car which came from new and I never washed it once.

I do the windows on the first day of spring when I open all the windows and give them the once over.

Apart from that the rest of your stuff is pointless unless it becomes necessary and at that point, you can surely make a decision.

Enjoy your book.

I agree with you OP. It’s important to have time to read and relax so you can enjoy life. Essential housework needs to be done but other jobs can wait. I spent over an hour outside reading yesterday and felt so much better for it afterwards.

This.

Solution, get a cleaner once a week for a few hours and get a decorator in to emulsion the bathroom ceiling ..job done. Leave the car its gonna rain all week! I find you can get out of doing any job you lik eby paying someone else to do them...happy home then!

YANBU, none of that stuff is essential and will be there when you're ready to do it.
If it's so important then dh can do what he wants.

Play sets will be mixed again faster than you can sort them. The car will be dirty again by tomorrow.... no one will care that ceiling isn't painted right now.

My dh is out today so im at home with 2 dc, toddler is unwell and we can't go out. I have a list of things that could be done- packing up outgrown toys for the charity shop, sorting outgrown clothes, cutting the grass, repainting the door toddler drew on in marker pen... then when we got up the little one wanted to bake so we did that, then they both wanted to craft so we make a lovely keepsake canvas, then they wanted to have a snacky lunch with a movie. Much nicer way to spend our day!

I work full time, have dc the rest of the time so absolutely I will enjoy the time I can with them

It's a balance surely.

This morning I did an exercise dvd, mowed the lawn and then sorted out the shed.

So this afternoon I'm going to be lying in my hammock in my nicely mowed garden reading my book !

YABU, unless your DH is suggesting you do all the work while he sits around with his feet up.

But houses get depressing if the windows are grimy and toys are strewn everywhere and never picked up and piles of outgrown clothes are building up and the weeds are growing knee high in the garden.

If you didn't have children I would say read on, paint on and don't worry about it. But since you have children growing up in the house I don't think you can just decide you have a soul above tedious chores.

My ex used to moan at me constantly about the house. Now I no longer live with him, i have a relatively clean, tidy and well-ordered house with half the effort and if i want to read rather than mow the lawn i do that. See

Shocker, it can be either a man or woman in this position.

OP, you’re being unreasonable - split your afternoon and do some boring things and some hobby.
I can see why he’s annoyed

I think some people like doing tasks little and often to keep on top of things, whereas others are happy to wait until the task is at "crisis point" before doing something about it.

Your DH is clearly the former, whereas you seem to be in the latter category - where if it's not urgent, it doesn't matter and can be forgotten about until it becomes urgent.

I'm the same as your DH and I would find it quite stressful to live with someone who just let the jobs pile up and up in favour of sitting on their bum doing nothing. I don't like letting work build up and try and do an hour a day of "stuff" round the house so that it never takes over an entire day because of how long it's been left.

This.

I'd make a plan to do some tomorrow, and some next weekend. As well as more of the stuff that makes life worth living.

Get the car cleaned at the supermarket?

Set the kids to work pairing up toys?

I get it OP, I like reading too and try to squish it when I can (up till 1am trying to read my book). But this stuff does have to be done. Once every few weeks I’ll tackle a task. I’m never really on top of everything but thats ok.

The problem is if you don’t clear out toys and clothes etc more toys will come in and you have mountains of toys and clothes being stuffed into every available space. it just makes life increasingly unpleasant.

He’s an idiot. Most people spend far too much time doing the pointless tasks you describe. Life’s too short. Enjoy your book or get out & enjoy the sunshine.

Some people are forgetting all the emotional and unpaid labour most of us do even if we don't work full time hours at our paid work

I think a compromise would be to drive to the charity shop, drop off a load of clothes/toys and take your car through the car wash on the way home. Then sit and read your book knowing something has been done, leave the cupboard and garden for another day.

I absolutely believe you should be able to sit and relax but I have sympathy for your husband too as I like things clean and tidy and love a good declutter, and my partner doesn't care about those things so much. I think if you ticked something off the list it would help keep the peace.

Surely it's about negotiation, balance and compromise. You're not getting anywhere sniping at each other

I agree with this but I also agree that both partners should feel as though they have some relaxation time.

All of the things listed do need to be done (except for op’s car - she has to drive it and if she doesn’t care that it’s dirty that’s fair enough and pairing the kids toys which is pointless), but they don’t all have to be done right now. Plus it seems from the op that she does far more of the day to day drudgery so it wouldn’t necessarily be unfair for him pick up more of the in depth stuff if it bothers him more.

I do 90% of the housework and cooking and work full time. If my dh tried to get me to start washing my car, painting the bathroom ceiling or weeding the garden in my spare time which he could easily do for me or easily outsource I’d actually be quite annoyed.

Read the book

I don't understand how Housework People get up in the morning. Drudge drudge just to sleep, get up and do it all again. I don't care about tidyness (beyond very basic sanitation requirements) and I think less of people who do. Unless they have ocd or something and can't help it.

@SchoolQuestionnaire

It reads as though she does more of the housework/childcare because her oh works longer hours so isn't there when it needs done?

Then at the weekend he is left to do the 'pointless' tasks because op is tired and wants to read

Maybe they could switch working hours and the op could work full time and the oh part time?