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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to do pointless domestic tasks and just read my book?

475 replies

Nereides · 30/04/2023 12:04

I’m absolutely sick of DH whinging at me. The garden needs weeding, the windows need cleaning, kids toys need tidying and pairing up in sets, old toys need taking to the charity shop, outgrown clothes need bagging up, the junk cupboard needs cleaning out, the car needs washing, the bathroom ceiling needs repainting, etc. None of the things he’s whinging about are urgent or even essential, and imo they can be ignored pretty much indefinitely.

I want to read a book, or paint a picture, or watch a movie, or take DC for a bike ride. Currently I’m sitting reading and DH is moaning that I’m lazy and stuff needs doing. With a boring part time job and two kids to look after I have very limited time for myself, and he wants me to spend it on tasks that aren’t important or fulfilling. Personally I don’t give a shit that the old toys need chucking out - I want to read my book. I’m not bothered if I’m driving a muddy car - I want to finish painting my portrait.

DH is yelling that this stuff might not be fulfilling but it’s essential. But if I spend my limited free time doing pointless “essential” shit like sorting toys and washing the car, when am I actually supposed to live my life and derive any enjoyment from it? Am I supposed to feel fulfilled by having a slightly tidier house or a cleaner car? With limited free time I have to choose what I spend it on, and I choose to read my book rather than sorting out piles of old clothes.

I should point out that I do a lot of essential stuff already. I wash the kids, help with homework, drive them around, read to them. I do laundry, cook, wash dishes, hoover, clean the bathroom. The basics of survival. But I don’t want to do any more than that. I particularly don’t want to do unnecessary tasks like cleaning out the junk cupboard, at the expense of reading my book. It’s like he wants my entire life to be drudgery with no mental stimulation at all.

AIBU to tell him to fuck off and just continue reading my book while the rain washes my car?

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 30/04/2023 13:49

If your happy with a muddy car then great but maybe make a plan to do the DIY on the rest of the house you don't have to do everything all at once

WilsonMilson · 30/04/2023 13:50

Sorry op, you’re probably not being unreasonable, but I couldn’t live with you.

I couldn’t enjoy sitting reading unless the house and garden were up to scratch. It actually really affects my mood and stress levels to be around a mess, so I have sympathy for your dh.

Why don’t you compromise and do tasks for an hour and then reward yourself with a rest? I always feel so much better when I get jobs done, then I can really relax.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 30/04/2023 13:51

Without doing these ‘pointless’ tasks it sounds as though pretty soon you’ll be living in a shithole !! You need to start talking to your DH and work out a fair way of doing these things before they overwhelm you. FWIW I think yabu for wanting to sit and read while so much needs doing, and if you have a DH who’s willing to get stuck in, the least you could do is put the book down and make an effort. Not hard to see how these things have built up is it ?

Botw1 · 30/04/2023 13:51

@pillsthrillsandbellyache

I think lots of women enable shitty lazy men

I'm not going to apologise for that. Lazy idle men (or women) can only get away with being lazy and idle because someone else does the work.

Not putting up with it is not the same as saying its ok or that you should do it instead

Or that if you choose not to work then you should expect your oh who does work to do the same amount of housework as you

I can see I've touched a nerve but unlike me, you clearly don't stand out and youre not memorable so I'm not sure which of your nerves I've touched.

If you let your oh treat you like shit that's got nothing to do with me

WilsonMilson · 30/04/2023 13:51

stormsurfer · 30/04/2023 13:35

I listen to audible versions of books while I do these types of chores- is that a possible compromise?

Me too! I always have an audible book, podcast or YouTube on while I’m doing housework - kills 2 birds with one stone. I’ve listened to so many great books that way, and no time wasted sitting about!

verdantverdure · 30/04/2023 13:53

It's lawns I don't get the obsession with.

Do you know what I mean?

Those perfectly uniform lawns in a chemically enhanced shade of green With perfect lawnmower stripes and not a clover patch, daisy or dandelion in sight.

Often combined with a bare jet washed patio and a giant gas powered barbecue.

So much work to stop nature in its tracks.

We lived next door to a couple who Astroturfed their lawn to cut down in the work involved in having a plain green lawn, but then they seemed to spend every weekend leaf blowing and jet washing it.

I don't get it.

Botw1 · 30/04/2023 13:53

@Maebh9

I dont force my kids to shower lol.

Your views are unique ill give you that

coeurnoir · 30/04/2023 13:54

ClaireandTed · 30/04/2023 13:02

I'm on your side OP.

There are several people on here deliberately trying to goad you, it's quite embarrassing for them.

I wonder if it makes them feel good about themselves?

Me too.
My ex husband was always doing pointless things around the house because he felt he had to - some weird shit from his mother who wasn't happy unless she was martyring herself.

My parents worked on the premise that a day reading is never a wasted day and I've carried that on with my two and some of our best memories are of afternoons spent reading together, or drawing or playing on the computer (son in teenage years).

Luckily my second husband has the ability to ignore dirty cars and has the same approach to cupboards as me (throw something in and quickly shut the door).

Life's too short not to read that book

StreetSpirit3 · 30/04/2023 13:55

Could you comprise and spend 30 minutes/1 hour on a chore like cleaning out the cupboard or sorting toys then you both relax and have free time to do what you want?

Tilliemolly · 30/04/2023 13:55

Do it together, it is nice to get rid of unnecessary items.

verdantverdure · 30/04/2023 13:56

We should be decorating this weekend but we made a conscious decision to have the weekend off and only do the cooking, shopping, washing up, cleaning, laundry and childcare we usually do at the weekend.

Theluggage15 · 30/04/2023 13:57

Some people seem to think they’re morally superior by being ‘busy’ all the time. The ‘ooh, I never sit down, there’s always something to be getting on with’ brigade. Which is absolutely fine if that’s what floats their boat but not when they start nagging at others.

Clarabell77 · 30/04/2023 13:57

GiltEdges · 30/04/2023 12:15

They might not be "essential", but a lot of the things you mention mount up until (for some people at least), it can start to feel quite untidy and unkempt. If you actually love and respect your DH and also want him to feel comfortable in his own home, why not agree to compromise and tick off some of the tasks together, on condition that he then won't complain when you want to sit for an hour afterwards and read your book?

If it doesn’t bother OP though why should she have to deal with it.

Read your book I say. Life is too short.

Milly16 · 30/04/2023 13:58

I'm 100 per cent with you OP.

verdantverdure · 30/04/2023 13:58

There's a bank holiday tomorrow and another BH weekend a few days later.

Stuff doesn't always have to be done right now.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/04/2023 13:59

Clarabell77 · 30/04/2023 13:57

If it doesn’t bother OP though why should she have to deal with it.

Read your book I say. Life is too short.

Show quote history

Because she doesn't exist in a bubble.

verdantverdure · 30/04/2023 14:00

Theluggage15 · 30/04/2023 13:57

Some people seem to think they’re morally superior by being ‘busy’ all the time. The ‘ooh, I never sit down, there’s always something to be getting on with’ brigade. Which is absolutely fine if that’s what floats their boat but not when they start nagging at others.

And people who think getting up earlier than other people makes them morally superior can get in the bin and all.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 30/04/2023 14:01

Botw1 · 30/04/2023 13:51

@pillsthrillsandbellyache

I think lots of women enable shitty lazy men

I'm not going to apologise for that. Lazy idle men (or women) can only get away with being lazy and idle because someone else does the work.

Not putting up with it is not the same as saying its ok or that you should do it instead

Or that if you choose not to work then you should expect your oh who does work to do the same amount of housework as you

I can see I've touched a nerve but unlike me, you clearly don't stand out and youre not memorable so I'm not sure which of your nerves I've touched.

If you let your oh treat you like shit that's got nothing to do with me

This reply is amazing, I think we should call a truce and be friends. But, I would just like to point out, in my house everybody chips in. I'm nobodies house elf. OP does the majority during the week so likes downtime on a weekend. Good for her. Enjoy your book guilt free @Nereides top tip for when your kids are older... get them to wash the cars. Kids love throwing water about. Mine get a fiver for doing it. They even do inside!

SundaeLove · 30/04/2023 14:02

Sounds tough to me, no wonder you’d like to do something nice for yourself on occasion.

You obviously both have different priorities, hope you can find a middle ground it’ll make life a lot less stressful for you both.

SundaeLove · 30/04/2023 14:03

Theluggage15 · 30/04/2023 13:57

Some people seem to think they’re morally superior by being ‘busy’ all the time. The ‘ooh, I never sit down, there’s always something to be getting on with’ brigade. Which is absolutely fine if that’s what floats their boat but not when they start nagging at others.

I hate that too! very cringey !

HipHipCimorene · 30/04/2023 14:04

He sounds a bit ocd which doesn’t sit well with having kids.
As you said sorting toy bits into relevant categories is a thankless task.
You read your book
Let him get on with pointless tasks if that’s what makes him happy.

Sounds like you do a lot of the boring stuff every day anyway.

EwwSprouts · 30/04/2023 14:05

I think reading your book in front of your DC is great parental modelling. All of you going out to wash cars would be showing teamwork and how it's everyone's responsibility. They want lifts to clubs they can help. Aim for a balance.
Pairing up kids toys, nah life's too short.

Beanfield2023 · 30/04/2023 14:07

How about tasks on Saturdays - Chilling on Sundays ?

TheWayTheLightFalls · 30/04/2023 14:07

I haven't read all five pages - which is a useful analogy to the reply I'm about to give Wink.

It's fine to cut corners. The various outgrown toys, junk, clothes - unless you live in the middle of nowhere put them outside, unsorted, with a sign saying "Free to take". Car wash - it's warming up, one of you do it with the kids as a fun activity (or all together), or pay a child to do it.

In general though I think parents should end up with equal leisure time, and if you've spent the morning firefighting some other crap then yes you should be reading your book or whatever other enjoyable thing.

Botw1 · 30/04/2023 14:07

verdantverdure · 30/04/2023 13:58

There's a bank holiday tomorrow and another BH weekend a few days later.

Stuff doesn't always have to be done right now.

Some people work bank holidays

Are you being smug about getting bank Holidays off?

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