To refuse to do pointless domestic tasks and just read my book?

[Nereides]

I’m absolutely sick of DH whinging at me. The garden needs weeding, the windows need cleaning, kids toys need tidying and pairing up in sets, old toys need taking to the charity shop, outgrown clothes need bagging up, the junk cupboard needs cleaning out, the car needs washing, the bathroom ceiling needs repainting, etc. None of the things he’s whinging about are urgent or even essential, and imo they can be ignored pretty much indefinitely.

I want to read a book, or paint a picture, or watch a movie, or take DC for a bike ride. Currently I’m sitting reading and DH is moaning that I’m lazy and stuff needs doing. With a boring part time job and two kids to look after I have very limited time for myself, and he wants me to spend it on tasks that aren’t important or fulfilling. Personally I don’t give a shit that the old toys need chucking out - I want to read my book. I’m not bothered if I’m driving a muddy car - I want to finish painting my portrait.

DH is yelling that this stuff might not be fulfilling but it’s essential. But if I spend my limited free time doing pointless “essential” shit like sorting toys and washing the car, when am I actually supposed to live my life and derive any enjoyment from it? Am I supposed to feel fulfilled by having a slightly tidier house or a cleaner car? With limited free time I have to choose what I spend it on, and I choose to read my book rather than sorting out piles of old clothes.

I should point out that I do a lot of essential stuff already. I wash the kids, help with homework, drive them around, read to them. I do laundry, cook, wash dishes, hoover, clean the bathroom. The basics of survival. But I don’t want to do any more than that. I particularly don’t want to do unnecessary tasks like cleaning out the junk cupboard, at the expense of reading my book. It’s like he wants my entire life to be drudgery with no mental stimulation at all.

AIBU to tell him to fuck off and just continue reading my book while the rain washes my car?

I think you need to lay it out for him like you have here, OP. If he wants to dictate how you spend your time on the weekend, then he needs to get the kids ready for school two or three days a week, and leave work at 5 two or three days a week so you can go out and enjoy yourself, or at least do the evening drudge so you can have some time for yourself. Then he needs to get up at 5am with you. If he's willing to do all of that, then you can have a discussion about how you spend your time on the weekend.

I would seriously consider getting a less flexible job as well.

he sounds like a boring arsehole tbh

Just did a sneaky and remotely frowned upon AS of the OP.

40 posts yesterday on various threads. Most of them pretty long.

Looks like she either spent a lot of time in the toilet on her phone (bring a book) or she successfully didn’t succumb to pressure from DH!

I’ve read all your posts, he doesn’t sound like a very nice person. Anyone who can lie in bed every weekend whilst your up at 5 with the kids is very selfish, I should know my ex was the same.
Are you even happy with him? You don’t sound it. Don’t see how you could be with the way he carries on.

So how many people are missing she works part time raises 2 kids does laundry cooking dishes hoovering bathroom cleaning. So she doesn't want to wash her car it is not a job that needs doing unless you can't read your number plate in winter. Pairing toys I gave up after 24 years of parenting if they want it mixed up they can have it mixed up. Old clothes I do this twice a year when I clear spring/summer wardrobes and then autumn/winter. Junk cupboard is a junk cupboard for that reason. 🤷

@Scarymary02101979 The voice of reason. Exactly this.

It sounds to me as if he is trying to control you and you are refusing to be controlled. Good for you! But you might want to have a talk with him (not when you’re already in the middle of an argument) about what’s really going on, why does he feel you have to do as you are told? Good luck!

Your so right… life is to short do what makes u happy. I was going to spend all morning sorting out washing but instead I am going to take my baby to the park x

Really surprised at the number of people who think you are being unreasonable.

yanbu. Where’s husband’s contribution to the list of jobs? Some of them sound like the sort of thing you could do together, one job at a time- maybe one a week- then sit and read your book for a bit.

Or if they bother him that much he could do them?! I dunno you are allowed to sit and read a book and paint a picture after the important stuff is done.

Fascinated about how the replies divide into "do the tasks, housework is really important" and "tell him to do it himself." As a strong adherent of "reading my novel is far more important than inessential housework" I also know fervent tidy-uppers won't agree. But why a man thinks he has the right to command (or whinge at) a woman to clean, and why some women apparently agree with him, is another issue entirely....

Tell him to bugger off and read your book x

I think there are some middle ground answers too, @Lizziespring - along the lines of thinking that some tidying and sorting out at home are not pointless domestic tasks because, if ignored for too long, the house can become really dirty and overwhelmingly cluttered - but that that is not solely one person's job. I think some things do need keeping on top of, but that both people in a marriage/partnership must do their share, so that both of them get time off to relax too.

Some points. People have a tendency to ignore all the tasks that were done and focus on those that weren't done. This becomes a major problem when the higher earner assumes that fairies come in and do all the unpaid work of the home. See, you, as the default parent, do all the tasks during the day while he is at work or out doing whatever. To him, none of this work counts, because he didn't see you doing it. Then, he comes home from work, sees you sitting, and gets angry. In his thoughtless mind, you have sat there all day, doing nothing. He must get you out of your lazy rut and make you do something, anything to make sure you work as hard as he does. The last line is sarcasm, but also what they are thinking.

Point two. You cannot consider it a relaxing time if you are constantly being interrupted. This is also confusing for a lot of people. It does not count as me reading for 2 hours if during those 2 hours I was nagged by the husband 6 times, asked to wipe 2 bums, made 4 snacks and finally had to hide in the bathroom (with someone knocking on the door). Same as you wouldn't claim someone got 10 hours of sleep if they got up 6 times to take care of a child or other family member.

I suspect the husband doesn’t notice all the stuff the OP does as he doesn’t see it.

He knows his kids have woken up but he hasn’t got out of bed, his wife has while he’s rolled over and gone back to sleep. He knows she doesn’t get to go out in the evenings as he’s out. He knows his kids get to school and picked up and eat dinner and wear clean clothes. There is lots of this that he knows.

Car washing is entirely pointless! So is matching up bits of toys.

Personally I feel calm if my house is orderly so I do prioritise clearing junk out before reading but I also listen to podcasts and audiobooks while I do the dreary stuff like cleaning the bathroom. You can stimulate your brain and do practical tasks you know. Radio4 while cooking, audiobooks while painting and cleaning. The only one I can’t is listen to something while hoovering so that one is very boring!

Do it together it will be done in half the time!
are you just going to lay around whilst out grown toys and clothes overflow?
Do two tasks between you every weekend and they will soon be done.
of course you need downtime but you are a parent and a partner so you need to pull your weight and stop the woe is me act.

You would think, but they don't. They really don't. it is a form of cognitive dissonance. They know these things have been done, they know they did not do them, but their brain insists that their partner could not have done them either.

It’s not exactly this though is it? OP is describing husband as needing a tidier life than she feels the need for. The essentials ie feeding cleaning and general nurturing she says are being attended to. The list of non essentials eg cleaning car tidying DC toys are not urgent and she has some relaxing activities which are for herself and she is prioritising over those tasks.

Or maybe AI? Like all the ones on Quora

He sounds very OCD to me and a bit of a dickhead. We have a bloke down our street who washes his car about 3 times a week. Bonkers.

Reading your original post I was on your husbands side as it sounds similar to me and my hubby with me being your dh. After reading your updates however, it sounds like he is dictating your free time based on how he chooses to spend his and he really needs to recognise that that’s what he’s choosing but you make a very different choice.

You sound quite sloppy and lazy. I also like to read but get things done first. One thing every few days or once a week. Why did you marry you'd dh?

You obviously didn't read all the op's posts. Don't be so nasty.

@Stewball01 perhaps you are too sloppy and lazy to read all of ops posts.