To refuse to do pointless domestic tasks and just read my book?

[Nereides]

I’m absolutely sick of DH whinging at me. The garden needs weeding, the windows need cleaning, kids toys need tidying and pairing up in sets, old toys need taking to the charity shop, outgrown clothes need bagging up, the junk cupboard needs cleaning out, the car needs washing, the bathroom ceiling needs repainting, etc. None of the things he’s whinging about are urgent or even essential, and imo they can be ignored pretty much indefinitely.

I want to read a book, or paint a picture, or watch a movie, or take DC for a bike ride. Currently I’m sitting reading and DH is moaning that I’m lazy and stuff needs doing. With a boring part time job and two kids to look after I have very limited time for myself, and he wants me to spend it on tasks that aren’t important or fulfilling. Personally I don’t give a shit that the old toys need chucking out - I want to read my book. I’m not bothered if I’m driving a muddy car - I want to finish painting my portrait.

DH is yelling that this stuff might not be fulfilling but it’s essential. But if I spend my limited free time doing pointless “essential” shit like sorting toys and washing the car, when am I actually supposed to live my life and derive any enjoyment from it? Am I supposed to feel fulfilled by having a slightly tidier house or a cleaner car? With limited free time I have to choose what I spend it on, and I choose to read my book rather than sorting out piles of old clothes.

I should point out that I do a lot of essential stuff already. I wash the kids, help with homework, drive them around, read to them. I do laundry, cook, wash dishes, hoover, clean the bathroom. The basics of survival. But I don’t want to do any more than that. I particularly don’t want to do unnecessary tasks like cleaning out the junk cupboard, at the expense of reading my book. It’s like he wants my entire life to be drudgery with no mental stimulation at all.

AIBU to tell him to fuck off and just continue reading my book while the rain washes my car?

All these ‘necessities’ can be shared over a few weeks.
Then both of you can chill. Sometimes you just have to recharge. Life is today not a rehearsal.

@pillsthrillsandbellyache

Nah, I'm not generally friends with people who make shit up and try to cause strife for no reason.

The op doesn't do the majority.

Liking downtime isn't an excuse to leave everything to your oh

You can have down time and keep on top of stuff

OP stay right where you are and read your book!

Then if it bothers her DH he can crack on and do it.

Houses don't maintain themselves and clutter can make the place feel depressing. Just because you can't be arsed doesn't mean it shouldn't get done. Split tasks between you do 2 hours at the weekend to get the most important things done. After that read or whatever.

Both dh and I work full time and he doesn't enjoy anything relating to the house (neither do I) I've stopped saying anything and get on with it and he will then join in.

It's really irritating to be the only one who gives a shit about the home especially when you also work and have little time to yourself.

I write everything on a whiteboard. Doesn't need to get done all in one go but it's everything that needs doing.

I think there needs to be some balance. There's always something to do round the house. We try to keep on top of the basics during the week but at the weekend we will both spend an hour or two getting more time consuming jobs done.

I think communication is key. Get the housework out of the way and then no nagging for the rest of the day. But you do need to do something, just relaxing and leaving jobs to your DH isn't okay.

I never do anything for me until all the jobs are done. I wouldn’t be able to relax

What a great idea !

Good for you. You prioritise the important stuff, but also prioritise making sure you're happy and OK, and rested. It's an underrated skill that I lost for years and had to relearn.

I can see both sides

Some of the things you've listed aren't really things that could be put off forever as you suggest - if you never clean the windows, have a clear out or weed/mow the garden then you end up with a load of useless stuff taking up space and an overgrown garden you can't use - which makes the stuff that isn't non-negotiable, such as normal daily cleaning much harder.

But doing other 'make work' stuff that you don't see any value in doing, like washing a car that will get muddy again next time it rains and pairing kids toys that they will mess up within seconds is pointless if you don't see the value or get satisfaction out of it so of course it makes sense to spend the time doing things you do enjoy instead.

Same with things like painting the ceiling - spending an hour or two every other year doing it to maintain it is better than leaving it for a decade then having to do a big cover up job when damp starts showing etc. However repainting it every few months just for the sake of it is pointless!

On one hand you could suggest a compromise whereby you make a list and you do 1 thing on it a week, at a time to be chosen by you (so you could do it on a weekday if you like having your weekends free), if he wants to do more go ahead. But it sounds like it's more a case of incompatibility whereby neither of you really understand the other person's POV so I think you really need to work that out.

As others have pointed out, there is a clear disconnect between you and your husband here. I say YABU, but not for wanting to read your book, etc. You need to be able to do that. Rather, you refer to these tasks as pointless, and refuse to do them. They are not pointless. They are important, if only to DH. (It can affect the moods and attitudes of the entire family though, even those less aware of it. Regardless, your it is affecting your DH and he’s telling you so.)
Flat out refusing to do them is likely sending him a message that you don’t value him and your home. I would venture to guess his intrusions on your ways of relaxing similarly leave you feeling like your needs are being ignored.

Talk to each other about what you need to be your best selves. Figure out a balance. One afternoon a week you don’t take the kids out and instead it’s task day? If old enough, get them involved? Set aside time on the weekends or in the evenings for you that is not allowed to be intruded on by tasks and chores? Whatever the balance created, it will require setting aside the attitude of pointless and refusing on your part. (And on his end setting aside the attitude that needing space for yourself is lazy.)

I find your attitude pretty selfish and childish to be honest. I feel like your husband, like I’m drowning in things that need doing and it’s really horrible when the person who’s meant to love you doesn’t want to help make your environment somewhere you want to be. Just because it doesn’t bother you doesn’t mean that it’s non essential and pointless and yeah, keeping your home nice for everyone is important. Read your book later.

You can’t live in a world full of clutter OP

Sure you can, if it doesn't bother you. (Cue dozens of people on this thread howling internally, "but it would bother me!" ah but it's not about you.)

YANBU - take your much needed downtime whenever you can! Once your DC's are 13 or so, they'll disappear into their rooms and you'll suddenly find oceans of time for all those jobs you never get around to before.

Me too !! Especially while I’m ironing. Makes it much more enjoyable.

Your DH sounds like a control freak. As long as your house is clean and your kids are clean if he wants to wash his car or paint the ceiling because it’s bothering him that badly then he can carry on and do it. The matching toys and bits into corresponding play sets is fucking bizarre. If you’re not bothered by it don’t do it as long as it’s not a health hazard. I’d do all those tasks in my own time if my DH wants it done quicker then he can do it himself. He sure as hell won’t be telling me to do it quicker or clean my car, that’s my car don’t touch it. Too many passive women on here don’t realise their own worth or have very little self respect. The “X person only works part time “ argument is irrelevant when the OH is doing the majority of the childcare and housework on top. The breadwinner can’t bread win without the other person doing childcare for them to do so. It takes two people to create and look after a child not one. If your DH was single and living on his own he would have to work full time, have the kids his share and do his own housework and diy so if you’re not bothered by the non essential jobs it’s not a crime IMO.

I take it your husband works full time, I got a great idea maybe your husband can give up his job, do all those jobs you hate doing because they are boring and none essential, you will probably have no where to live and or money, but you get to read your book on a park bench, good luck.

@Squiblet

It's not just about the op either though

She doesn't live alone

Oooh I don't know. Must be about balance. I do all those jobs you say are unessential because my DH doesn't care if they're done or not, and our home is a much nicer place because of it...

However he doesn't just get to tell you to jump, I think you need to work out a compromise of a tidiness level you can both live with.

If it bothers her husband so much he can do it. Sounds like OP does more than her fair share of domestic work.

I think it's all about a balance. Your children are older rather than toddlers (school age)
So after school when they are doing their homework, you could sort through old toys, fold washing etc... then it doesn't build up to the weekend. Then at the weekend I'd divide tasks and both do things together. That way you'll also have time to relax!

Aww thats a damned shame @Botw1

He is not the boss of you OP. You do PLENTY. Read that book.

There’s no need to be like my MIL who was constantly cleaning the house, day in day out, whether it needed it or not, but I’m afraid most of those tasks you listed aren’t pointless. There’s no need to be constantly tidying, but at some time or other they will have to be tackled and that will have to include you.The kids may well be fed, watered, safe and clean etc, but their environment needs to be too.
Other posters have given some excellent suggestions for a balance in your life. We all have hobbies we’d like to pursue, but sometimes compromises have to be made.

Good for you, OP. I like a tidy and organised environment myself, but largely because it facilitates the kind of frame of mind I need to enjoy doing the things that are actually important to me. If you're happy to set aside non-essential make-work in order to enjoy reading or painting or doing nice things with the kids, then I'd say you have your priorities right and will have fewer regrets in later life. This forum is full of screamingly desperate posts by women who are about to pop with the stress of being busy all the time, whether that's self-driven or arises from the demands of a partner, so I'd say you're a pretty good role model for a lot of us here.

Your DH sounds to me as though he has difficulty living in the present and instead is striving for some mythical point in the future when an optimal state of order will be achieved. I think that's very common but it's not very healthy imo. In my experience, people who are always looking towards a future point of perfection had unhappy childhoods and learned to privilege the future over the present, as a coping mechanism. You should talk to him about it instead of telling him to fuck off imo, but overall yanbu.

I also want to know what you're reading!

@pillsthrillsandbellyache

Really?

I cant imagine why you'd want to be friends with a passive aggressive male apologist who puts women down and gaslight them into thinking its their fault

Are you that lonely?