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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my partners smell is really getting me down

189 replies

gjkufbb · 29/04/2023 18:46

Just that really. We've had numerous chats in the past about personal hygiene. It doesn't seem to sink in.
I don't think he's depressed, he only showers once a week - if I'm lucky. He has terrible breath even if he brushed his teeth twice a day and I'm not sure why it's so bad.

I don't want to be near him and I feel awful about it. We have a great relationship otherwise. Genuinely don't know what to do anymore. Am I unreasonable if I'm brutally honest with him and tell him it's getting to me this much? Or should I just suck it up 😣

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/04/2023 18:48

Absolutely don’t suck it up. He sounds grim. No respect for himself or for you.

icelollycraving · 29/04/2023 18:48

Omg do you sleep in the same bed?
I’d say now the weather is warming up he needs to shower daily. I couldn’t have sex with someone who smelt.

CarrotCake01 · 29/04/2023 18:49

How long have you been together?

AnElegantChaos · 29/04/2023 18:49

Nope, you shouldn't have to suck that up! Unless he can't afford to use the hot water then he's got no excuse for not showering. A trip to the dental hygienist is also in order. I think you need to tell him - other people will have noticed too.

HotPenguin · 29/04/2023 18:50

Does he work? Surely he can't go to a job smelling like that? Yanbu!

BHRK · 29/04/2023 18:50

Once a week. No way would I accept that. It’s once a day here. Sorry but I’d have to leave

MyBloodyMaryneedsmoreTabasco · 29/04/2023 18:50

How can it possibly be a good relationship if he's so scummy? I do hope you aren't having a sexual relationship with him.

Sapphire387 · 29/04/2023 18:51

Relationship deal breaker. Shows he just can't be bothered.

Original poster
gjkufbb · 29/04/2023 18:51

icelollycraving · 29/04/2023 18:48

Omg do you sleep in the same bed?
I’d say now the weather is warming up he needs to shower daily. I couldn’t have sex with someone who smelt.

No I won't sleep in the same bed any more. Sex life is non existent atm. I just don't know why it's got so bad. Life's busy but surely there's no better feeling that being clean

OP posts:
ElmTree22 · 29/04/2023 18:51

Once a week?! That's ridiculous. You must be honest with him. No one should live like that!

maranella · 29/04/2023 18:51

How can your relationship be great with a guy that stinks? He showers ONCE A WEEK? He's got awful breath? Bleugh! Total deal-breaker.

Original poster
gjkufbb · 29/04/2023 18:52

CarrotCake01 · 29/04/2023 18:49

How long have you been together?

4 years. I always used to tell him he smelt so nice when I saw him. Long gone are the days 😣

OP posts:
LouBaloo · 29/04/2023 18:52

Leave. I have no idea why people choose to stay with someone who only showers once a week. Jesus the house must stink as well with him in it.

PollyPeptide · 29/04/2023 18:53

You have to tell him and it's a kindness for you to do that. Obviously everyone will know he smells too and that's upsetting for him if he thinks he's OK. If you can't be honest with him, who can be?
(And, honestly, even if he were depressed, he'd still need to know.)

Oneglassisnotenough · 29/04/2023 18:58

I wonder if there is more going on for him. It sounds like it. When a person is feeling mentally unwell, such as having depression, they can sometimes be very neglectful of themselves including their personal hygiene.

Have you had a chat to him? It’s a sensitive topic, granted , but you should not have to put up with that. And neither should he, especially if he used to be clean and smell nice. More to the point, if he feels unwell inside , it may be a good starting point in signposting him to the GP for help and support.

Hope things work out for you both op.

stardust777 · 29/04/2023 18:59

Sorry OP, this sounds really tough. For your own sake, be honest and let him know how you feel.

Also, could it be low mood/stress? My hygiene standards slipped when I was feeling low and I stopped taking care of myself. Do you think he'd see his GP to talk about his situation?

Re. dental hygiene, if you've got an appointment coming up, could you suggest booking him in too and going together?

Whatabouteverything · 29/04/2023 18:59

You've posted about this so many times before! Just sack him off.

Oysterbabe · 29/04/2023 19:01

I would give an ultimatum snd mean ir. Shower and teeth brushed every morning or it's over.

Freddiefox · 29/04/2023 19:01

don't want to be near him and I feel awful about it.

why do you feel bad about it? You expectation of living with someone clean isn’t unreasonable.
he should feel bad not you .

You've told him he smells, he should wash.

i know I sound harsh, but my ex smelt and it’s horrible, it ruins the relationship, and he could change it.

Freefall212 · 29/04/2023 19:02

The breath issue can be lots of things that aren’t hygiene that. That should be looked into He could have tonsil stones etc

it isn’t usual for an adult who doesn’t have depression / mental illness or disorder and who has a partner /job to not shower. Especially as you say it is a change. I would have him talk to his GP about his mental health as not only has he lost interest in self care he has lost interest in sex as well. That level of change in functioning usually means something is going on.

Freddiefox · 29/04/2023 19:02

Oysterbabe · 29/04/2023 19:01

I would give an ultimatum snd mean ir. Shower and teeth brushed every morning or it's over.

It’s like children - shower, dressed, teeth and make bed before Xbox. But you’re not his mum.

Irritateandunreasonable · 29/04/2023 19:02

YUCK! I would be incredibly harsh to him here tbh.

I know people will think that’s not the way to go but he’s being utterly vile and you’ve tried a nice chat. I would be harsh, give him one last chance and then I would be gone.

casingchars · 29/04/2023 19:03

stardust777 · 29/04/2023 18:59

Sorry OP, this sounds really tough. For your own sake, be honest and let him know how you feel.

Also, could it be low mood/stress? My hygiene standards slipped when I was feeling low and I stopped taking care of myself. Do you think he'd see his GP to talk about his situation?

Re. dental hygiene, if you've got an appointment coming up, could you suggest booking him in too and going together?

Why do people think it's a good idea to infantalise an adult in this way?

Just leave him OP, this is grim. You get one life, ffs! One!

elm26 · 29/04/2023 19:04

If he doesn't have a mental or physical disability and can afford hot water but he still doesn't shower, he's grim and I'd leave.

SunnyLion · 29/04/2023 19:05

Grim. Leave him, he clearly doesn't care.