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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my partners smell is really getting me down

189 replies

gjkufbb · 29/04/2023 18:46

Just that really. We've had numerous chats in the past about personal hygiene. It doesn't seem to sink in.
I don't think he's depressed, he only showers once a week - if I'm lucky. He has terrible breath even if he brushed his teeth twice a day and I'm not sure why it's so bad.

I don't want to be near him and I feel awful about it. We have a great relationship otherwise. Genuinely don't know what to do anymore. Am I unreasonable if I'm brutally honest with him and tell him it's getting to me this much? Or should I just suck it up 😣

OP posts:
CarrotCake01 · 29/04/2023 19:07

Oh, no! Has this been a problem long? Are there any other issues in the relationship?

It sounds like there might be an underlying issue there, maybe something like depression.
However no, you shouldn't have to put up with that situation, that's not fair on you.

Livinghappy · 29/04/2023 19:08

How old is he?

Did he only shower at the outset to impress you? Is his family similar? This would be a deal breaker for almost everyone. You have to be blunt and see if he will change.

TellHimDirectlyInDetail · 29/04/2023 19:09

Defo don't suck it up. Tell him directly and be open to discuss it with him.

How do you feel about the sexless marriage?

If he won't change than you'll have to consider changing your situation by ending the relationship

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 29/04/2023 19:12

I'm sure I've read this exact thread from you OP before, or something very close to it.

I don't understand why you stay with him - just leave. He won't change.

OKwhatsNext · 29/04/2023 19:14

I think I have also seen your posts before. I would absolutely give him a ultimatum but be prepared to act on it as it may be that he's just not willing to change. Sounds odd though if he was taking care of himself before, perhaps there's more to it 🤔

ColdHandsHotHead · 29/04/2023 19:16

Keeping clean is a hassle, but normal, functioning adults do it. I mean, if I could flick a switch and never have to shower again, I would. As it is, I shower twice, most days.

So why is your OH not bothering? That is the issue.

monsteramunch · 29/04/2023 19:16

Op you've posted about this man a number of times. He doesn't respect you enough to maintain basic personal hygiene. And in fact he holds you in contempt to the point that the below happened. This man clearly thinks that it's a woman's job to clean up after him. Do you really want to spend your life with such a man? Do you really want your child to think this is a healthy relationship dynamic? If your child is a boy, they're learning all this is how they should treat a woman. If they're a girl, they're learning this is how they should be treated. Don't you want more for them, even if not for you?

Read your previous words below. He's horrible.

He couldn't do more for me when we were first together. Always very considerate. Seems he's just complacent and lazy.

We don't have dc yet but I'm pregnant. As I've been out of action for a while yet still trying to do as much as I can. Rather than think 'I'll pick up the slack whilst she's not well' he seems to think 'well I'm not cleaning up if she isn't'

So as I lay here dying from the flu I've just had to scrub the bathroom, hoover and change all the beds and it's floored me. I appreciate it's not all men but boy am I fed up

TomatoSandwiches · 29/04/2023 19:16

If you live together and share spaces I

Boxofsockss · 29/04/2023 19:16

YANBU. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that he showers more often. I’d be repulsed if my partner did this. And I certainly wouldn’t want to share my personal space with someone like that and that includes my bed. Eurgh.

TomatoSandwiches · 29/04/2023 19:17

I expect some of his funky stink will rub off on you op, so you probably smell a bit gross to others occasionally, think about that.

RandomMess · 29/04/2023 19:17

Ewwwww only 4 years, I would end it.

RunningUpThatMill · 29/04/2023 19:19

I wouldn't be sucking anything.

On a serious note, just tell him. You've been together long enough. You can say it in a kind way. Showering once a week, especially if someone is relatively active, isn't enough.

Seaweed42 · 29/04/2023 19:22

What's his diet like? Does he restrict food by any chance?
People who are dehydrated from not eating properly often have smelly breath.

RunningUpThatMill · 29/04/2023 19:22

Regarding his breath, he may have gum disease. If a dentist isn't an option, flossing is a must.

Original poster
gjkufbb · 29/04/2023 19:23

I guess I've just felt like I'm being really nasty if I tell him straight. I'd know I'd be hurt if somebody told me I stank.
But realising how everyone feels as strongly as I do, I think I do need to have a serious talk / ultimatum

OP posts:
Modda · 29/04/2023 19:23

He has zero respect for you.

Leave him.

RunningUpThatMill · 29/04/2023 19:25

@gjkufbb you can say it with kindness though. I'd personally want to know if I stank, and whilst I'd be mortified, it wouldn't be with the person who told me.

RunningUpThatMill · 29/04/2023 19:27

RunningUpThatMill · 29/04/2023 19:25

@gjkufbb you can say it with kindness though. I'd personally want to know if I stank, and whilst I'd be mortified, it wouldn't be with the person who told me.

Having said that, I just wouldn't blurt it out to anyone, but I'd feel comfortable addressing it with my DH, a good friend or a relative.

monsteramunch · 29/04/2023 19:32

gjkufbb · 29/04/2023 19:23

I guess I've just felt like I'm being really nasty if I tell him straight. I'd know I'd be hurt if somebody told me I stank.
But realising how everyone feels as strongly as I do, I think I do need to have a serious talk / ultimatum

You were hurt when the below happened though weren't you? But he has continued to prioritise his own laziness over your happiness and fairness.

We don't have dc yet but I'm pregnant. As I've been out of action for a while yet still trying to do as much as I can. Rather than think 'I'll pick up the slack whilst she's not well' he seems to think 'well I'm not cleaning up if she isn't'

So as I lay here dying from the flu I've just had to scrub the bathroom, hoover and change all the beds and it's floored me. I appreciate it's not all men but boy am I fed up

You've given him ultimatums / big chats before if I recall correctly? I think you need to really think about whether you can bear to be with someone who respects you so little you aren't worth, in their eyes, a daily shower and teeth brushing. And whether you want your child to grow up witnessing someone who has such little respect for you and the happiness / comfort of the rest of the household.

Because it doesn't sound like he's going to change tbh and it sounds like you're too focused on not hurting his feelings rather than focusing on his lack of respect for you and the household.

If you can smell him, so can your kids. So can their mates. They won't want to have friends over when they're older due to being embarrassed. They won't think it's normal for men and women to do their equal share of chores, because they've grown up watching him take the piss and you bear the brunt of everything.

You deserve more and so do they.

Flowerly · 29/04/2023 19:33

He showers once a week? What must his nether regions, feet, armpits smell like? Leave him OP. This will not get better.

Devonshiregal · 29/04/2023 19:37

Yeah I remember you posting too. I think the question is really why are YOU trying to find a reason to stay?

do you love him, are you scared to be a single parent, are you trauma bonded, are you overly sympathetic to other people’s plights? What’s going on with you that you’re trying to excuse all his behaviour?

Seaweed42 · 29/04/2023 19:37

I'd say something like... 'I've noticed things have changed. Your behavour is different, have you noticed that? Like you only have a shower once a week now whereas before it was almost every day?'
Anything could be going on. He could be trying to 'save' water because he cares about the planet and is obsessed with climate change.

ShandaLear · 29/04/2023 19:42

Is he trying to get you to dump him?

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 29/04/2023 19:42

You've been together 4 years. You don't have sec and you don't sleep in the sane bed.

I'm sure you've posted about this before. Just leave, it's not what I'd call a good relationship. He can't even be bothered to wash.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 29/04/2023 19:43

God, end it. I'm surprised you haven't already