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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my partners smell is really getting me down

189 replies

gjkufbb · 29/04/2023 18:46

Just that really. We've had numerous chats in the past about personal hygiene. It doesn't seem to sink in.
I don't think he's depressed, he only showers once a week - if I'm lucky. He has terrible breath even if he brushed his teeth twice a day and I'm not sure why it's so bad.

I don't want to be near him and I feel awful about it. We have a great relationship otherwise. Genuinely don't know what to do anymore. Am I unreasonable if I'm brutally honest with him and tell him it's getting to me this much? Or should I just suck it up 😣

OP posts:
TiredandHungry19 · 29/04/2023 21:04

He goes to work without brushing his teeth? This guy is a troll. Honestly OP wtf. Why did you get pregnant by this man? I would issue an ultimatum immediately and stick to it. That's truly disgusting.

hooveringknob · 29/04/2023 21:07

You were pregnant and very ill and he watched you do all the cleaning rather than proactively doing it or even helping you

Fucking hell. It's not that prick is it??
Please, no.
This guy needs throwing out with the rubbish.... never mind trying to help him establish routines to shower and clean teeth; organize a trip to the hygenist for him; have him investigated for tonsil stones and the other helpful suggestions people have made. This bloke is a complete loser.

monsteramunch · 29/04/2023 21:12

hooveringknob · 29/04/2023 21:07

You were pregnant and very ill and he watched you do all the cleaning rather than proactively doing it or even helping you

Fucking hell. It's not that prick is it??
Please, no.
This guy needs throwing out with the rubbish.... never mind trying to help him establish routines to shower and clean teeth; organize a trip to the hygenist for him; have him investigated for tonsil stones and the other helpful suggestions people have made. This bloke is a complete loser.

Afraid so. He's awful.

And OP's existing child is being shown this relationship model and will think it's normal.

He couldn't do more for me when we were first together. Always very considerate. Seems he's just complacent and lazy.

We don't have dc yet but I'm pregnant. As I've been out of action for a while yet still trying to do as much as I can. Rather than think 'I'll pick up the slack whilst she's not well' he seems to think 'well I'm not cleaning up if she isn't'

So as I lay here dying from the flu I've just had to scrub the bathroom, hoover and change all the beds and it's floored me. I appreciate it's not all men but boy am I fed up

OP you really don't need to be with someone who has so little respect for you and doesn't care enough about you to grow up.

And your child deserves a better relationship blueprint than this. Seeing a single, happy mum is far better than being taught that women exist to make men's lives easier at the expense of their own happiness and wellness.

hooveringknob · 29/04/2023 21:16

OP I've just advanced searched you. Fucking hell. This character is a complete and utter slob. As another poster pointed out, he watched you clean while you were pregnant and ill. You're not the poster I thought you were - there is another poor woman on here, pregnant and ill, like you were, with a knob cocklodging in the house doing fuck all while the pregnant woman cleans and tries desperately to keep the home in some kind of acceptable hygienic state.
Your one isn't capable of putting food back in the freezer meaning it defrosts and goes to waste. He can't won't close bread packets meaning it goes stale. And so on and so forth.
He can't be arsed to clean his teeth twice a day and shower once a day. Absolutely disgusting.
He is completely and utterly disrespectful.
What the fuck is the point of him??

ExMuslim · 29/04/2023 21:19

I didn’t shower much of this week cos I work from home and didn’t need to leave the house, I am also in therapy for depression and on pills for an a illness.

He sounds like he needs a general nudge and a doctors appointment, I am pretty sure he isn’t being Unhygienic just to piss you off, so those who say LTB are being unfair. It is hard to be with someone who is going through mental health disorders - but with the right help you can treat this like he has a long term physical illness like long covid or a shitty virus xx

FacebookFun · 29/04/2023 21:20

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

moomoolandie · 29/04/2023 21:23

My father in law is the same. He's in his 70s and lives abroad. Visits once a year. Comes for 10 days and showers once if at all. It's fucking gross, I hate it.

Ginger1982 · 29/04/2023 21:28

You need to leave, seriously. You can co-parent without being together.

BMW6 · 29/04/2023 21:33

Why do you keep asking the same questions OP?

What's the point?

LouBaloo · 29/04/2023 21:34

Takemehome7 · 29/04/2023 19:48

Oh for goodness sake.

This is the kind of issue that is totally solvable with better communication.

I hate how readily everyone on MN says "LTB!!!!!" In a lifelong relationship you're going to encounter MUCH bigger issues than this. You can't just tell people to "leave" at every single thing.

Show quote history

Deal breaker as far I’m concerned. Or perhaps I have standards? No way would I be in the same house as a man who doesn’t shower or brush his teeth, it’s disgusting. I’m in a lifelong relationship and there’s no way I would put up with this.

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 29/04/2023 21:35

gjkufbb · 29/04/2023 20:34

Yes he works, we work together. And we have a child on the way. Not as easy as LTB. I'm going to sit him down tonight and be brutally honest. It's really bothering me today couldn't even be in the car without the window down 😣

You say you have a baby on the way which means you were sleeping together at least within the last 9 months. Is this something that has started since then or has this been going on before then?

Gemcat1 · 29/04/2023 21:36

I wouldn't have sex with someone who didn't have enough respect for me to wash first. Keep giving him presents of Lynx or other sets for washing including deodorant. Wash the sheets daily. If he doesn't get the hint and you find it unpleasant to be near him physically then you need to tell him that he needs to take action. As for bad breath (halitosis), there are many causes for it. You may find this page helpful https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/bad-breath/symptoms-causes/syc-20350922

Bad breath - Symptoms and causes

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/bad-breath/symptoms-causes/syc-20350922

ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 29/04/2023 21:40

Cc1998 · 29/04/2023 21:01

I was going to be sympathetic, but you've had numerous talks in the past about his hygiene and you've still had sex with him and gotten pregnant. This is unfortunately you having low standards OP. You need to make it clear that it's unacceptable. He has zero respect for you and you've enabled this behaviour.

This is exactly it

0hsh1t · 29/04/2023 21:44

doitwithlove · 29/04/2023 20:56

Why keep
Posting about it, you clearly are not prepared to deal with the problem.

I hate this attitude on mumsnet.

Nowhere in the terms of use does it state that somebody can only talk about a situation once. It certainly doesn't state that you have to "LTB" the first time you're told to, which on here is usually in the first five minutes after posting.

Somebodies relationship issues don't end when the previous thread comes to an end. If the OP needs to post about it 5 times she's welcome to do so. If you're not interested then don't bother reading it.

Thursdayschild7 · 29/04/2023 21:45

PollyPeptide · 29/04/2023 18:53

You have to tell him and it's a kindness for you to do that. Obviously everyone will know he smells too and that's upsetting for him if he thinks he's OK. If you can't be honest with him, who can be?
(And, honestly, even if he were depressed, he'd still need to know.)

This.

ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 29/04/2023 21:57

I also searched up your username and had actually commented on the thread about brushing twice a day. You said your partner brushes every other day. So 6, nearly 7 months later and nothing has changed?

Why doesn’t he have any self respect for himself and just brush his bloody teeth?! Does laziness mean that you don’t shower, brush your teeth or even take care of yourself?! I have no advice but doubt he’s going to change. You knew he was like this and you’re now having a baby with him. Good luck because you’re going to need it🤞

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 29/04/2023 22:02

I can understand struggling with self-care when depressed - but when I am at my worst, on the days when just getting up is a challenge, and showering is way beyond me, I use body wipes and just wash my hair. I also use a really good antiperspirant - Mitchum - which makes a big difference. I sit down to clean my teeth - anything to stretch out what little energy and motivation I do have.

There are ways to cope, but he needs to accept he has an issue, and commit to learning how to manage things, so the important things get done.

Startyabastard · 29/04/2023 22:10

0hsh1t · 29/04/2023 21:44

I hate this attitude on mumsnet.

Nowhere in the terms of use does it state that somebody can only talk about a situation once. It certainly doesn't state that you have to "LTB" the first time you're told to, which on here is usually in the first five minutes after posting.

Somebodies relationship issues don't end when the previous thread comes to an end. If the OP needs to post about it 5 times she's welcome to do so. If you're not interested then don't bother reading it.

Show quote history

👏 precisely. People come here for support and they don't need your black and white strategies.

UWhatNow · 29/04/2023 22:13

“Why why why why why have you started a new life with this complete waste of space OP?”

The only question worth asking on this whole thread.

Another poor innocent kid brought into a fucked up relationship with a useless, minging, waste-of-space father and a mother who thought it was a good idea to procreate with him… very sad.

Littleworkaholic · 29/04/2023 22:14

I always wonder about this sort of scenario. There is a dude at our local gym, he comes in stinking to high heaven and he works out and the whole place beyond stinks. It’s really bad, and I always wonder how his wife deals with it and quite frankly the shame of it. I’d be horrified. I just couldn’t.

Aquarius1234 · 29/04/2023 22:14

Long term depression or not. Showering once a week is beyond redemption.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 29/04/2023 22:22

Crikey your standards are low OP. This is the life you have chosen though so my advice is to just get on with it. You obviously have sex with him if you are pregnant. Wouldn't be for me. It's going to get harder with a baby so buckle up.

Aquarius1234 · 29/04/2023 22:22

I used to meet up with someone that was obviously an occasional bath person, but what really annoyed me is that he would actually meet me and we would be doing something like the cinema or even the theatre going out for a meal in public places and he would sometimes choose to meet me and not have bathed or showered beforehand !! and it's sheer laziness and nothing else.
He'd say stuff like oh sometimes I think ill make an effort get néw clothes do my hair? But obv never did. It gets embarrassing when someone smells of body odur unless it's the depth of winter..
It felt personal as fine if you can't be bothered while doing nothing at home. But when you have arranged to go out. How could you just avoid washing. Once if your late fair enough as a one off. Like not washing hair. But obvious numerous times nope!!

Portandlemonade · 29/04/2023 22:34

Hard to understand how you could bear to have sex with him to make a baby!

It's best to get your relationship sorted before bringing a child into your lives.

Seriously, why on earth did you get pregnant when you've been with this man (who hasn't changed) and doesn't seem able to?

You must be living in a fantasy world.

Aquarius1234 · 29/04/2023 22:37

How do you even know its once a week? I life's really busy? Are you just around when he comes out the shower ?