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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my partners smell is really getting me down

189 replies

gjkufbb · 29/04/2023 18:46

Just that really. We've had numerous chats in the past about personal hygiene. It doesn't seem to sink in.
I don't think he's depressed, he only showers once a week - if I'm lucky. He has terrible breath even if he brushed his teeth twice a day and I'm not sure why it's so bad.

I don't want to be near him and I feel awful about it. We have a great relationship otherwise. Genuinely don't know what to do anymore. Am I unreasonable if I'm brutally honest with him and tell him it's getting to me this much? Or should I just suck it up 😣

OP posts:
Tessabelle74 · 30/04/2023 14:23

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius we definitely are agreeing ❤️

Aquarius1234 · 30/04/2023 14:24

Some slow people don't have it in them to have a quick shower. Say 10 minutes instead of 5..
I can't get my head round that, as I like to have the time deadline to rush about. Or else I'd just be lying about in bed.

Magenta65 · 30/04/2023 14:29

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/04/2023 14:18

I don’t think you understand what it is like to have any sort of condition that causes chronic tiredness - including depression, @Magenta65. Obviously someone who is in good health will be able to have a quick shower, but on my worst days I start out with almost no energy whatsoever.

‘Spoons theory’ explains this well - spoons = energy, and every daily task takes a certain number of spoons. Healthy people start the day with plenty of spoons, so using a few of them to have a shower is no big deal - but someone like me can start the day with only a few spoons, so I have to be very careful about how I spend those spoons.

That said, there are ways around it, as I said - but you do need to acknowledge that you have an issue with the energy for daily self care, and be proactive about finding the work-around that keep you clean enough and smelling nice.

I too have chronic health conditions and mobility issues, and have previously suffered with mental health issues that have made cleanliness hard but I made sure to shower each day, at some point, and brush my teeth. It’s a 10 minute task but I understand on my worst days it can be an hour or more etc. I’m not blind to peoples struggles but from the OPs comments her partner is not someone who suffers with these issues, just a busy schedule, but to not shower for a week is ridiculous. In 7 days I’m sure he can find the time.

BSB30 · 30/04/2023 15:04

@Portandlemonade I did read all the posts but I only read reference to his breath regards the smell. The reason I asked was because if he is having washes in between and doesn't actually smell (his body) then does it really matter if it's just once a week?

I have always found the concept of showering every day to be excessive. I wouldn't have the time, energy or inclination to do this every day. It is possible to have a quick wash.

I agree with those who say that having a mental health or physical condition can make personal hygiene extremely difficult. The signs of depression are not always obvious but a lack of personal care is definitely one of them.

YouNeverSeeTheRealMe · 30/04/2023 15:08

He's got no pride, no respect for you. He should be showering once a day. He probably needs to brush his tongue, and floss his teeth. I couldn't be with someone so dirty

ThankYouMama · 30/04/2023 15:18

YANBU

I'd leave him!

Katieandthekids · 30/04/2023 15:57

How do you have a great relationship otherwise if you can't even be near him?

He needs to shower every day and go to the dentist.

Mummyof287 · 30/04/2023 16:40

Does he actually know he/his breath smells?
I've definitely pushed my DH to shower before (mainly during lockdown when he wasn't working and got abit slack) and told him if his breath smells abit funny.I expect him to set me straight and be honest about those things with me too if there's ever an issue!

If you've raised it, been honest and he still doesn't bother sorting it (especially the washing) then he is clearly a lazy sod.

As regards the breath though, if his brushing his teeth 2x a day it sounds like it's not his fault but maybe he needs to use mouthwash aswell? (This works for my DH) or else brush his tongue, or use an electric toothbrush/better toothpaste? If these ideas don't work best he goes to the dentist.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 30/04/2023 16:56

As you've already told him, and he hasn't changed his habits, I doubt he will
He doesn't care about himself and doesn't care about you either
The fact he absolutely stinks suggests to me that he doesn't actually use soap etc weekly either
I'd want to get myself and my pure newborn away and I can't believe your relationship is great otherwise

MushMonster · 30/04/2023 16:59

His breath smells because he has issues with his gums or teeth, so needs to go to the dentist.
And he needs to shower, daily.
Tell him.

FinallyHere · 30/04/2023 18:32

I'd know I'd be hurt if somebody told me I stank.

@gjkufbb

But would you ever go for a week without a wash, though?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/05/2023 13:16

@Magenta65 - I actually think we are agreeing more than we think we are! Clearly we both think cleanliness and hygiene are important - we differ only in how that can be achieved. Where you will have a shower, even if it takes an hour, and may leave you with a lot less energy for the rest of the day, I will have a sit-down, pits and bits wipe with a body wipe, stand to wash my hair, and then sit down again to clean my teeth, so I have a bit more energy later in the day for stuff - we budget our energy differently, that's all.

As you said, there is no indication that the OP's husband has depression or any other condition that would make the activities of daily living a struggle - but even if he did, he could find work-arounds that would still mean he was clean and sweet smelling - and it is deeply selfish and nasty that he does not.

JoBoJoBo · 17/08/2024 22:57

raycampi · 29/04/2023 23:59

I think we should all shower daily.

However, I don't believe someone stinks after a week.

When we were young people only bathed once a week. Nobody smelt!

In the early 1970's as small children we only had a bath once or twice a week but our mum's always gave us a good head to toe wash every day.Thank God for the convenience of daily showers now.

Scentedjasmin · 17/08/2024 23:00

Well, I wouldn't be sucking anything up with such poor hygiene. I don't think that i'd be touching anything either to be honest.
Have you considered installing a sheep dip next to the back door?

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