Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my partners smell is really getting me down

189 replies

gjkufbb · 29/04/2023 18:46

Just that really. We've had numerous chats in the past about personal hygiene. It doesn't seem to sink in.
I don't think he's depressed, he only showers once a week - if I'm lucky. He has terrible breath even if he brushed his teeth twice a day and I'm not sure why it's so bad.

I don't want to be near him and I feel awful about it. We have a great relationship otherwise. Genuinely don't know what to do anymore. Am I unreasonable if I'm brutally honest with him and tell him it's getting to me this much? Or should I just suck it up 😣

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 30/04/2023 00:28

I just can't believe that that business will be successful when he has that kind of attitude.

OldFan · 30/04/2023 00:30

However, I don't believe someone stinks after a week.

I stink after a night of sweating in bed. People can smell me.

When we were young people only bathed once a week. Nobody smelt!

Really?

RunningUpThatMill · 30/04/2023 00:50

@raycampi

However, I don't believe someone stinks after a week.

What? Unless the person is ensuring they wash their pits, bits and everything else, they are going to smell. The OPs partner manages to shower once a week, and according to the OP stinks. Doubt he is stood at the sink washing his pits and bits every day.

GarlicGrace · 30/04/2023 01:32

Where's the neurodiversity crowd tonight? They'd normally be all over this like a layer of fluffy, fragrant soap bubbles.

Unusually for me, I'm going to hypothesise that this guy might have some sort of autism-related disorder, which prevents him being able to organise his life outside of work and involves some hyper-sensitivities making it unpleasant to shower.

If that were so, some alternative strategies might hypothetically help, such as:

• Bath instead of shower
• Anti-bacterial wipes instead of either. You can swipe yourself while in the loo, so minimum hassle
• Clean clothes every day. Most BO, believe it or not, is due to skanky clothes

• Sugar-free chewing gum. It contains xylitol, which combats mouth bacteria
• Apples! For some reason, they often get rid of bad breath
• Mouthwash. Easier than brushing, and at least he'd get some fluoride

• Finally, no-one should have to micro-manage their spouse. But if he does have a 'programming' disorder and the relationship is genuinely good, it would be worth sitting down together and going through aaaaalll the things you do to keep the family running. Divide these tasks in a way you both think fair. Then (sorry) you'll have to make a big kitchen chart with all these tasks clearly marked by day, time and person.

I kind of doubt the validity of this hypothesis. But, here you are, @gjkufbb, a potentially constructive reply!

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 30/04/2023 01:52

In the past when people didn't bathe daily they would at least give their underarm and genitals a wash to keep them clean and stop them smelling - I highly doubt he's doing that.

He is grim OP. Just tell him that you're fed up with his smell and you don't want to be near him when he smells that bad - and follow through. Don't get in the car with him, don't sit on the sofa next to him or even in the same room, don't even have your dinner with him.

No need to tell him to shower, just make it clear you won't tolerate the bad smell around you - his choice what to do with that information.

WeeblesWobbled · 30/04/2023 02:08

greyhairnomore · 30/04/2023 00:02

Absolutely

Show quote history

She had sex with him on Shower Day.

PupInAPram · 30/04/2023 02:17

Has he had covid or another virus in the 4 years you have been together? Maybe he has lost his sense of smell? He may not realise how bad he is.

NotMeSecretFormular · 30/04/2023 02:27

Nope. I had to finish with one ex when I realised I was having to wash the sofa cushions to get rid of the smell. No amount of "I've put clean towels out so you can have a shower, here's a brand new toothbrush", "Ooh I’m all sweaty, gonna jump in the shower. D'you wanna join me?" ever worked. He was just a dirty, smelly bastard. I wouldn’t sleep in the same bed as him much less have sex. He went in the bin, where he belongs 🤮

RelentlessMother · 30/04/2023 02:31

Has this alwys been the case?

this could be a cry for help……

wether it is a cry for help or not, be open and frank.

Kay286 · 30/04/2023 03:00

So gross, makes my skin crawl just reading it ! Get rid !

ThePoetsWife · 30/04/2023 03:41

Bellagio40 · 30/04/2023 00:15

How on earth did you get pregnant? The thought of having sex with someone who smells makes me heave?

Exactly.

Envy
LadyJ2023 · 30/04/2023 03:59

Erm I once had a friend many years ago who thought it was fine to stink even her flat smelt of her dirty sweat so I stopped visiting and safe to say she moved away so I didn't have to say I didn't particularly want to be friends anymore lol. There's 7 in our house everyone showers and baths daily infact hubby and son twice a day usually. And I wish they used a little less toothpaste the amount that falls into the sink and on taps 🤣

BSB30 · 30/04/2023 04:11

With him showering once a week, does he actually smell (apart from his breath)?

The bad breath could be a possible rotten tooth or he could be suffering from gastric problems.

Portandlemonade · 30/04/2023 09:15

blackhare · 29/04/2023 22:44

Well what he’s doing isn’t working is it? Most adults shower first or last thing. For whatever reason he isn’t.

What do you suggest?

Having a baby makes more obvious solutions less practical.

Show quote history

@blackhare I suggest she treats him like an adult, not a child who needs to be told when to shower.

That for me, would be an ultimatum that he starts washing himself and getting his teeth sorted, or I'd leave. You can't change anyone- you can only change how you react to their behaviour.

In fact I'd have left ages ago, not got pregnant and realised this was not a man I wanted to be with let alone have his child.

Portandlemonade · 30/04/2023 09:16

With him showering once a week, does he actually smell (apart from his breath)?

@BSB30 Are you able to read her posts? maybe start with the thread title.

Ingrowncrotchhair · 30/04/2023 09:53

OldFan · 30/04/2023 00:30

However, I don't believe someone stinks after a week.

I stink after a night of sweating in bed. People can smell me.

When we were young people only bathed once a week. Nobody smelt!

Really?

Take a ride on most buses and you will smell the ‘bath once a week’ crowd

Ingrowncrotchhair · 30/04/2023 09:55

Portandlemonade · 30/04/2023 09:15

@blackhare I suggest she treats him like an adult, not a child who needs to be told when to shower.

That for me, would be an ultimatum that he starts washing himself and getting his teeth sorted, or I'd leave. You can't change anyone- you can only change how you react to their behaviour.

In fact I'd have left ages ago, not got pregnant and realised this was not a man I wanted to be with let alone have his child.

Show quote history

You’d be surprised how many adults need to be adult of a wonder of technology- deodorant

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 30/04/2023 10:02

raycampi · 29/04/2023 23:59

I think we should all shower daily.

However, I don't believe someone stinks after a week.

When we were young people only bathed once a week. Nobody smelt!

Yea but you had a bloody good wash wish soap and a flannel each day. I very much doubt he's doing that.

Also agree with the PP who said you have very low standards OP. He's shown you clearly that he doesn't care enough to keep clean and you've still decided to choose him as the Father of your DC.

I think you need to start thinking about why you are willing to accept so little from him.

Tessabelle74 · 30/04/2023 10:09

raycampi · 29/04/2023 23:59

I think we should all shower daily.

However, I don't believe someone stinks after a week.

When we were young people only bathed once a week. Nobody smelt!

Not up on your history are you? Regular baths or showers are a very modern thing, as is deodorant. Even watching fairly contemporary programmes like Call the Midwife will show you the living conditions for many right up to the 60's. Communal toilets, no hot running water, washing clothes with a tub etc. People stank. The clean ones had a strip wash every day, but clothes would smell as they weren't washed as often as now. It's only with the invention of the twin tub and most houses having access to regular hot water and internal bathrooms that hygiene has improved. The reason you don't remember anyone stinking when you were a child is simply because you don't remember a time without a hot tap in your house and a washing machine.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/04/2023 12:48

But in those days pretty much everyone would have smelt the same, so you probably didn’t notice as much, @Tessabelle74, whereas now most people wash much more frequently, so those that don’t are much more obvious.

As I said yesterday, I can empathise with people who don’t have the energy or motivation to shower every day - thanks to depression, insomnia, long covid and being overweight, I have very little energy, and sometimes I struggle to get out of bed, let alone shower and dress. But I know this is my issue, and I wouldn’t want it to impact on other people, so I have found the things I can do, on the really bad days, so I am still clean and fragrant. I use wet wipes for a sit down wash of the pits and bits, then I wash my hair with a 2 in 1 shampoo, so it’s quick, and I use a really good antiperspirant (unscented) and a nice perfume. And I change my clothes.

Tessabelle74 · 30/04/2023 13:27

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/04/2023 12:48

But in those days pretty much everyone would have smelt the same, so you probably didn’t notice as much, @Tessabelle74, whereas now most people wash much more frequently, so those that don’t are much more obvious.

As I said yesterday, I can empathise with people who don’t have the energy or motivation to shower every day - thanks to depression, insomnia, long covid and being overweight, I have very little energy, and sometimes I struggle to get out of bed, let alone shower and dress. But I know this is my issue, and I wouldn’t want it to impact on other people, so I have found the things I can do, on the really bad days, so I am still clean and fragrant. I use wet wipes for a sit down wash of the pits and bits, then I wash my hair with a 2 in 1 shampoo, so it’s quick, and I use a really good antiperspirant (unscented) and a nice perfume. And I change my clothes.

I'm just stating that the old "no one washed every day in the good old days and we didn't stink" is wrong. People did stink but they had less options to do anything about. The OP's partner isn't struggling like you are, he's just lazy and doesn't care about anyone around him. I hope you're soon up to full strength and feeling better 💐

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/04/2023 13:56

Apologies, @Tessabelle74. I think we are actually agreeing.

Magenta65 · 30/04/2023 14:03

It takes all of ten minutes to shower and brush your teeth, I’m sorry but that’s pure laziness! Even if I’ve been manic all day, before jumping into bed I’ll have a quick 5 minute shower, pits and bits as they say and know I’m fresh for tomorrow. I’d be quite frank and tell him change or leave. Imagine him holding a fresh newborn, I’m sorry but he’s disgusting

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/04/2023 14:18

I don’t think you understand what it is like to have any sort of condition that causes chronic tiredness - including depression, @Magenta65. Obviously someone who is in good health will be able to have a quick shower, but on my worst days I start out with almost no energy whatsoever.

‘Spoons theory’ explains this well - spoons = energy, and every daily task takes a certain number of spoons. Healthy people start the day with plenty of spoons, so using a few of them to have a shower is no big deal - but someone like me can start the day with only a few spoons, so I have to be very careful about how I spend those spoons.

That said, there are ways around it, as I said - but you do need to acknowledge that you have an issue with the energy for daily self care, and be proactive about finding the work-around that keep you clean enough and smelling nice.

Aquarius1234 · 30/04/2023 14:19

Magenta65 · 30/04/2023 14:03

It takes all of ten minutes to shower and brush your teeth, I’m sorry but that’s pure laziness! Even if I’ve been manic all day, before jumping into bed I’ll have a quick 5 minute shower, pits and bits as they say and know I’m fresh for tomorrow. I’d be quite frank and tell him change or leave. Imagine him holding a fresh newborn, I’m sorry but he’s disgusting

Yeh I brushed my teeth so late last night.
And showered at lunchtime today lol
Don't think I'd wanna shower at 1am though.