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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my partners smell is really getting me down

189 replies

gjkufbb · 29/04/2023 18:46

Just that really. We've had numerous chats in the past about personal hygiene. It doesn't seem to sink in.
I don't think he's depressed, he only showers once a week - if I'm lucky. He has terrible breath even if he brushed his teeth twice a day and I'm not sure why it's so bad.

I don't want to be near him and I feel awful about it. We have a great relationship otherwise. Genuinely don't know what to do anymore. Am I unreasonable if I'm brutally honest with him and tell him it's getting to me this much? Or should I just suck it up 😣

OP posts:
blackhare · 29/04/2023 22:38

How about if he showers at a different time of day. At lunchtime or when dinner is cooking?
If it’s cause he’s not a morning person it might work.

He needs to brush his teeth and floss. He is likely to have gum disease. I’d start by seeing a dentist.

ReadersD1gest · 29/04/2023 22:40

gjkufbb · 29/04/2023 18:51

No I won't sleep in the same bed any more. Sex life is non existent atm. I just don't know why it's got so bad. Life's busy but surely there's no better feeling that being clean

Show quote history

God, just leave. You can't be with someone who smells so bad you can't bear to sleep with them.

Portandlemonade · 29/04/2023 22:40

blackhare · 29/04/2023 22:38

How about if he showers at a different time of day. At lunchtime or when dinner is cooking?
If it’s cause he’s not a morning person it might work.

He needs to brush his teeth and floss. He is likely to have gum disease. I’d start by seeing a dentist.

Oh FGS!

It's not her job to micro manage his showering times. He's a bloody adult man not a child.

Why assume he needs telling when to shower? He clearly doesn't want to or he'd find the time.

Both DH and I shower twice a day- morning and bedtime. We don't want to go to work smelly or to bed smelly. Bums, groins, feet, armpits all need at least one shower a day.

No adult needs to be told this.

Aquarius1234 · 29/04/2023 22:41

HotPenguin · 29/04/2023 18:50

Does he work? Surely he can't go to a job smelling like that? Yanbu!

You'd be surprised by how many men /women don't wash before work.

Gettingbysomehow · 29/04/2023 22:41

This is why I divorced my ex husband because the stench eventually makes you lose the will to live. How hard is it to go to the dentist and have a shower. I expect he has a massive build up of plaque that needs removing by a hygienist.
A divorce petition should wake him up. Or maybe not.

Portandlemonade · 29/04/2023 22:41

Gettingbysomehow · 29/04/2023 22:41

This is why I divorced my ex husband because the stench eventually makes you lose the will to live. How hard is it to go to the dentist and have a shower. I expect he has a massive build up of plaque that needs removing by a hygienist.
A divorce petition should wake him up. Or maybe not.

Divorce- tricky as they aren't married!

blackhare · 29/04/2023 22:44

Portandlemonade · 29/04/2023 22:40

Oh FGS!

It's not her job to micro manage his showering times. He's a bloody adult man not a child.

Why assume he needs telling when to shower? He clearly doesn't want to or he'd find the time.

Both DH and I shower twice a day- morning and bedtime. We don't want to go to work smelly or to bed smelly. Bums, groins, feet, armpits all need at least one shower a day.

No adult needs to be told this.

Show quote history

Well what he’s doing isn’t working is it? Most adults shower first or last thing. For whatever reason he isn’t.

What do you suggest?

Having a baby makes more obvious solutions less practical.

Tessabelle74 · 29/04/2023 22:47

Get him some of this, my best friends partner had terrible bad breath, even after brushing, eating mints etc and his doctor recommended this. And tell him that he stinks, don't be coy or subtle, that's clearly not working. Be honest, tell him that's the reason you can't stand being intimate with him and it's killing the love for you. If he can't manage to shower, at least have a good wash and put some deodorant on. In 16 years together, I can honestly count on one hand the number of times my husband has had B.O, they were all when he's been unwell as he showers every day normally. I couldn't stand it if he stank

my partners smell is really getting me down
FrostyFifi · 29/04/2023 22:49

Re. the breath thing, he needs to floss and/or use interdental brushes as well as brushing otherwise all the crap will be stinking between his teeth.

Aquarius1234 · 29/04/2023 22:51

I used to tell an ex boyfriend to shower if he hadn't that day and had been at work then travelled to see me.
Tbf he would occasionally tell me to brush my teeth for longer ..
But I was mid twenties or something. Not sure I'd be able to tell someone to shower now. Just seems weird and too stressful.

IWantRebeccasConfidence · 29/04/2023 22:57

Once a week is properly grim. Sit him down and tell him you and to have the car window open and can’t go near him, pregnancy or not. If he can’t shower daily or every other day then you can’t trust him to not pass on skin infection to the baby or look after the babies hygiene.

agree he needs probiotics to help with the bad breath.

Aquarius1234 · 29/04/2023 22:59

I heard bad breath was often more to do with diet or skipping breakfast. Or not enough water.

PaigeMatthews · 29/04/2023 23:01

gjkufbb · 29/04/2023 20:55

We have a lot going on. We started our own business. Usually daily life stress. I've been struggling really badly with my mental health throughout this pregnancy but still take care of myself.
Like to look nice and feel presentable. I think the lack of routine is definitely along the right lines. He can shower for a day or two then just can't be bothered anymore.
Which happens in basically everything I ask him to do. I can't walk the dogs atm I've asked him to do it. Lasted two days.
Argh so frustrating!

he sounds like a very lazy man. Not just with his personal hygeine.

you said We have a great relationship otherwise. He is lazy, doesnt walk the dogs, doesnt wash, doesnt sleep with you, doesnt care you cannot stand the smell. In what way is it a great relationship?

how much house work is he doing? How much cleaning, cooking, washing, shopping…?

0hsh1t · 29/04/2023 23:06

Both DH and I shower twice a day- morning and bedtime

Jesus what a waste of water. Nobody needs to shower twice a day unless they're doing a huge load of physical labour, or it's the height of summer.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/04/2023 23:12

This man has no respect for you or himself. He will never change, and he will never care enough about you to make the changes needed to save your relationship.

You will be a single mother, and the sooner you grasp this, the better. It's a tragedy that your standards have been so low for so long, and the very last concern in your mind should be for him. If it's too late for a termination, you need to quickly figure out how you're going to handle your future.

0hsh1t · 29/04/2023 23:20

Aquamarine1029 · 29/04/2023 23:12

This man has no respect for you or himself. He will never change, and he will never care enough about you to make the changes needed to save your relationship.

You will be a single mother, and the sooner you grasp this, the better. It's a tragedy that your standards have been so low for so long, and the very last concern in your mind should be for him. If it's too late for a termination, you need to quickly figure out how you're going to handle your future.

Have a late termination because the father is shit. How very mumsnet.

Rosula · 29/04/2023 23:48

How did you manage to conceive a child with this man?

You really do need to tell him that unless he starts showering daily you're leaving him.

Gymnopedie · 29/04/2023 23:55

We have a great relationship otherwise.

OP genuinely - not snarkily, I'm trying to understand the whole picture - what makes the relationship great?

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 29/04/2023 23:55

I think you have to talk to him straight.

But I think you'd also better start making plans how to survive on your own, unless you think you can endure him being like this forever.

raycampi · 29/04/2023 23:59

I think we should all shower daily.

However, I don't believe someone stinks after a week.

When we were young people only bathed once a week. Nobody smelt!

greyhairnomore · 30/04/2023 00:02

Cc1998 · 29/04/2023 21:01

I was going to be sympathetic, but you've had numerous talks in the past about his hygiene and you've still had sex with him and gotten pregnant. This is unfortunately you having low standards OP. You need to make it clear that it's unacceptable. He has zero respect for you and you've enabled this behaviour.

Absolutely

Aquarius1234 · 30/04/2023 00:03

raycampi · 29/04/2023 23:59

I think we should all shower daily.

However, I don't believe someone stinks after a week.

When we were young people only bathed once a week. Nobody smelt!

It depends on the person. You could smell a bit after a hour if you did some exercise or cleaning round the house. Or had too many clothes on and hadn't yet showered.
It's not about how long, it's about what you doing.
Being stressed or anxious can often make you sweat and in turn smell.

Brandyb · 30/04/2023 00:15

You chose to have a child with this lacklustre, sour-smelling, second-rate lazy arse of a human? Do you think he will magically step up when he becomes a father? Big, big gamble! This guy isn't even doing the bare minimum when a baby is clearly coming down the line

Bellagio40 · 30/04/2023 00:15

How on earth did you get pregnant? The thought of having sex with someone who smells makes me heave?

LouBaloo · 30/04/2023 00:24

Portandlemonade · 29/04/2023 22:40

Oh FGS!

It's not her job to micro manage his showering times. He's a bloody adult man not a child.

Why assume he needs telling when to shower? He clearly doesn't want to or he'd find the time.

Both DH and I shower twice a day- morning and bedtime. We don't want to go to work smelly or to bed smelly. Bums, groins, feet, armpits all need at least one shower a day.

No adult needs to be told this.

Show quote history

This. It’s not the OP’s ‘job’ to tell him when to shower, it’s not her ‘job’ to change the bed because he CHOOSES to be unhygienic and not shower as was said upthread. It’s BASIC hygiene for goodness sake. Honestly, I’m beginning to wonder how many people on MN actually have to point out to their OH’s/partners/wives/husbands to wash. As for a grown adult not to brush their teeth that’s disgusting. Showering and brushing of teeth are very basic life skills!

Why would you bring a child to into a situation that their parent can’t carry out basic day to day hygiene?