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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Furious with ex over taking ds to concert - should I say something?

260 replies

pinotnow · 28/04/2023 19:39

DS likes a band who have never toured in the UK. Tickets went on sale for two dates today. By the time I looked after work I could only find tickets costing upwards of £200 each - we'd need 2. This was completely out of the question. Ds was also looking and he found the same. Also, I realised that it would be difficult for us to get there anyway as we are 2 hours from London so it would be extremely tight in a school night - it's a Friday and ds will be Y10 and doors open at 6.30pm.

DS is at his dad's tonight and has just messaged to say ex has got him tickets. I am livid. Ex pays no CM as his income is too low. He is definitely not a high earner but had a large inheritance a year ago and may therefore have funds, but none come dc's way. We have been apart 10 years and he has never paid anything and buys nothing for the dc ever, even when he came into his inheritance. To give an example, ds recently asked him for some trousers when staying there as he had none and ex refused as 'you have plenty of clothes at your mum's.'

DC are with ex 4 nights per fortnight and he pays for nothing but their food when there - and even then they come home saying they are starving and complaining there are no snacks there.

Ex has not run this concert by me and has presumably spent about £500 on tickets. He's never spent anything like this before on either child, not in 10 years. Meanwhile I'm paying out constantly for trips, clothes, prom, phones, social life...the list goes on, all on a teacher's wage. Also saving for dc's uni and to give ex £10 000 of marital assets when ds turns 21. Ex is also quite likely to have a gig on the day in question and then what? It'll be on me to get ds there and I don't think I can.

I'm so cross and really want to confront him and tell him how wrong this is. AIBU to think if he has money of this kind spare he should be contributing and this is a piss take. I really want to tell him this. Should I?

OP posts:
missmollygreen · 28/04/2023 19:41

This reply has been deleted

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WilkinsonM · 28/04/2023 19:42

Yes he should be paying maintenance, he sounds like a shit dad. But that's completely separate to him buying these tickets. You have no reason to be angry with him for this.

Original poster
pinotnow · 28/04/2023 19:43

Um, ok...I mean, I suppose it is pretty horrid to pay for everything for your children...

OP posts:
dogbeddestroyer · 28/04/2023 19:43

He should be paying maintenance but I wouldn't choose the tickets as a hill to die on.

(I took mine out to go to see Ariana Grande - well they went. I found a bar and nursed a Diet Coke)

Aylestone · 28/04/2023 19:43

You’re pissed off when he doesn’t spend money. Now you’re pissed off he’s spent loads. The lack of maintenance is completely out of order. But don’t ruin this for your son.

Xrays · 28/04/2023 19:44

I can understand your anger - my ex is a monumental tosser too. But your child will enjoy this. I’d just go with it. In the grand scheme of things your dc will just remember the concert and how they had a good time, don’t taint it by letting all your anger out over everything.

justthecat · 28/04/2023 19:44

He’s a Disney dad,don’t rise to it

Original poster
pinotnow · 28/04/2023 19:45

But he's only spent it on one child? The other benefits not at all.

OP posts:
TenThousandFireflies · 28/04/2023 19:45

are you angry because you do all the donkey work and he swoops in with his £500 tickets like super dad and looks the generous hero?

because I get that.

NotSuprised · 28/04/2023 19:46

Try and seperate it, for your sanity just understand that he will probably never see your point of view. Try and see it as a good thing that ds gets to go to the concert.

Original poster
pinotnow · 28/04/2023 19:47

He's not even a Disney Dad though. In 10 years he's never done anything like this, though has taken other son to cricket a fair few times (this dc hates cricket). However, he has lot interest in taking ds1 to cricket in more recent years and never goes to his matches when he's the one who got him into it. Now this. It's shit.

OP posts:
dogbeddestroyer · 28/04/2023 19:47

pinotnow · 28/04/2023 19:45

But he's only spent it on one child? The other benefits not at all.

But it's something your DS really wants to go to?

I didn't take my DS to Ariana Grande, I only took DD. Because DS would rather poke his eyeballs out with a spoon.

readbooksdrinktea · 28/04/2023 19:47

TenThousandFireflies · 28/04/2023 19:45

are you angry because you do all the donkey work and he swoops in with his £500 tickets like super dad and looks the generous hero?

because I get that.

Yes, this would grate.

Curtains70 · 28/04/2023 19:47

I can sort of understand what you mean but I voted YABU because you can't dictate how he spends his money also your kid will really enjoy it so I'd just let it go.

The maintenance is a different issue

Lovingitallnow · 28/04/2023 19:48

You're right he's a complete dickhead arsehole. But I promise you confronting him will not make you feel better because it won't make him realise the £500 could be better spent. He'll still be an arsehole. You'll be no better off and your ds might not get the tickets. But you are not wrong. Know that.

DahliaMacNamara · 28/04/2023 19:48

He sounds like a useless dad.
He must know he sorts getting your DS to and from this gig though, right? He can't commandeer your time on a working day.

Original poster
pinotnow · 28/04/2023 19:49

I have taken ds to Ariana Grande too. I take both dc to a range of things they enjoy. It's not the point. Also I think he should have run this by me because he takes no responsibility for anything and this is quite a big deal.

OP posts:
CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 28/04/2023 19:49

He sounds crap and unsupportive.

but he doesn’t need to discuss taking DS to a concert with you.

you’re conflating issues.

cansu · 28/04/2023 19:49

Say nothing. Make sure he knows that he will need to take him.

Lovingitallnow · 28/04/2023 19:50

@dogbeddestroyer if you feed and clothe your ds and dd it's not really comparable. If you've never contributed to either in the last 10 years and then took dd to Ariana Grande fair enough - you can draw a comparison.

dogbeddestroyer · 28/04/2023 19:51

He doesn't have to run things by you. Dc are not babies and they can say no if they don't want to go.

You can't control the relationship he has with them.

I get that he's a dick. I really do. But you won't be able to control this so you're best to let it go and save your tinder for the big stuff.

This is not the hill to die on.

Original poster
pinotnow · 28/04/2023 19:51

How is it acceptable to refuse to buy a pair of trousers and then do this? How is maintenance a separate issue when lack of it is due to lack of funds but then he has funds to do this?

OP posts:
Greydogs123 · 28/04/2023 19:52

If ex can’t get him there then your dc can’t go. His Dad needs to be aware of that.
It’s shitty that he doesn’t step up for the important every day stuff, but you can’t control that. Your kids will know that you are their secure base.

dogbeddestroyer · 28/04/2023 19:52

Lovingitallnow · 28/04/2023 19:50

@dogbeddestroyer if you feed and clothe your ds and dd it's not really comparable. If you've never contributed to either in the last 10 years and then took dd to Ariana Grande fair enough - you can draw a comparison.

I disagree.

This is about something that one dc wants to do.

I really do get that he's a Disney dad. But the op will just look bitter and twisted if she says anything.

EllandRd · 28/04/2023 19:53

None of your business and stop looking for a fight. What he does with his child is nothing to do with you.