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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Furious with ex over taking ds to concert - should I say something?

260 replies

pinotnow · 28/04/2023 19:39

DS likes a band who have never toured in the UK. Tickets went on sale for two dates today. By the time I looked after work I could only find tickets costing upwards of £200 each - we'd need 2. This was completely out of the question. Ds was also looking and he found the same. Also, I realised that it would be difficult for us to get there anyway as we are 2 hours from London so it would be extremely tight in a school night - it's a Friday and ds will be Y10 and doors open at 6.30pm.

DS is at his dad's tonight and has just messaged to say ex has got him tickets. I am livid. Ex pays no CM as his income is too low. He is definitely not a high earner but had a large inheritance a year ago and may therefore have funds, but none come dc's way. We have been apart 10 years and he has never paid anything and buys nothing for the dc ever, even when he came into his inheritance. To give an example, ds recently asked him for some trousers when staying there as he had none and ex refused as 'you have plenty of clothes at your mum's.'

DC are with ex 4 nights per fortnight and he pays for nothing but their food when there - and even then they come home saying they are starving and complaining there are no snacks there.

Ex has not run this concert by me and has presumably spent about £500 on tickets. He's never spent anything like this before on either child, not in 10 years. Meanwhile I'm paying out constantly for trips, clothes, prom, phones, social life...the list goes on, all on a teacher's wage. Also saving for dc's uni and to give ex £10 000 of marital assets when ds turns 21. Ex is also quite likely to have a gig on the day in question and then what? It'll be on me to get ds there and I don't think I can.

I'm so cross and really want to confront him and tell him how wrong this is. AIBU to think if he has money of this kind spare he should be contributing and this is a piss take. I really want to tell him this. Should I?

OP posts:

GeorgiaGirl52 · 28/04/2023 21:05

EllandRd · 28/04/2023 19:53

None of your business and stop looking for a fight. What he does with his child is nothing to do with you.

What he does with THEIR child is certainly something to do with her.

CorvusPurpureus · 28/04/2023 21:06

Ah yeah, I too have a live one of these.

nod along politely 'oh you & dad are off to see Lynyrd Skynrd are you? Sounds fun.'
do not facilitate - up to ex to collect ds, take him & bring him back. If that falls through, channel your inner Windsor Davies 'oh dear, how sad, never mind'.
let it gooooo re missed school. It's genuinely not going to be a big deal, he's hardly going to make a habit of it. You do NOT want to be the 'bad guy' here - just let ex crack on.
if other dc says 'oi this isn't fair' - your line is 'mmmm this is all between you & your df.' Don't either attempt to ameliorate things OR to stir it - leave it to ex to deal with that one.
Disney-ing but no uni contribution - trust me, they'll clock that & draw their own conclusions.

Basically, detach. Detach detach.

Yes, the ex is an irritating twat who could have spent that money on actual day to day expenses, or uniform, or put it aside for uni etc. But he won't BECAUSE he is a twat.

You can't win that battle...but you don't need to. Because your kids are not stupid. They will see what he's up to, & they'll see what you do, day in day out, year in year out.

Fuck him, the showboating muppet. Let him crack on.

MaltedCow · 28/04/2023 21:08

@CorvusPurpureus has the best advice here. Understand why you'd be annoyed with this set up.

Isthatyourname · 28/04/2023 21:08

I don’t understand other posters comments - YANBU at all!!!! What sort of man doesn’t pay any maintenance or anything for his kids but splashes out on a concert for one of them! I’d be furious too

mainsfed · 28/04/2023 21:09

pinotnow · 28/04/2023 20:02

What a stupid comment. Definitely comes from someone who doesn't have to deal with an ex.

Show quote history

I wouldn’t let some of these comments get to you, MRA frequent these boards a lot.

poetryandwine · 28/04/2023 21:15

OP, we are on your side but you have a real problem that I am not sure you are seeing.

If exH has parental rights, he can take DS out of school himself. As PPs have said, even apart from this consideration, are you sure that attempting to prevent DS leaving school early for what he sees as a major event (and, sadly, the more so as the tickets are from his deadbeat dad) is worth the cost to your relationship with him? Don’t kid yourself, that cost will be huge.

You and your DC unquestionably have legitimate issues with exH but, presuming he is organising transport etc, it is hard to see the purchase of these tickets as one of them. I would expect your other DC to absorb this, also. Hopefully their turn will come, and they already have the cricket (although the aftermath has been bad, it sounds like there was some bonding).

Writing as an academic I assure you that many students successfully put themselves through uni. I have the greatest respect and sympathy for all other aspects of your post. Your DC understand you are their rock.

A question for MNetters: is there any way the exH inheritance can made relevant to CM?

Georgeandzippyzoo · 28/04/2023 21:17

EllandRd · 28/04/2023 19:53

None of your business and stop looking for a fight. What he does with his child is nothing to do with you.

But in the OP it starts it's probably gonna be down to mum to get him there, so actually it has everything to do with her.
If he was doing it on his own time different matter.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 28/04/2023 21:19

Who is using the 2nd ticket?

KTheGrey · 28/04/2023 21:19

@EllandRd 's view that your children are property owned by their father is adorable 😍 (irony).

But in answer to your question - yes, you should say everything, and on here, not to your ex. When you have got past the justifiable anger that you feel about your manipulative ex's behaviour, you can start thinking about the pros and cons of the situation.

As a teacher, I have never believed the odd day of school missed does much harm. Data indicates the magic number for attendance is 95%.

You can then weigh up getting your ex to waste the money on the tickets against making your son very happy.

As regards your other son, that is something worth having a word with your ex about. He absolutely should be treating your other son to something of equal value, and if not, hand him the cash.

Isthisexpected · 28/04/2023 21:20

You're absolutely entitled to tell your son whilst your pleased for him re the tickets, his Dad will have to get him there and back.

Orangey25 · 28/04/2023 21:22

Just think of your DS and how happy it will make him. Nothing else otherwise you will drive yourself mad with how annoying it all is.

PopGoesTheProsecco · 28/04/2023 21:23

Summerfun54321 · 28/04/2023 20:59

He sounds awful but you are the one who had kids with him. Taking something away from your child isn't going to change that or improve your situation.

Ouch! That hurt. You do realise that crappy men mostly don’t usually advertise the fact that they’re crappy men and you don’t usually discover this fact until you’re vulnerable (ie pregnant).

I agree with your point about taking something away from the DC though.

But please don’t blame OP for having kids with him. That feels a bit unfair on her.

DumpedByText · 28/04/2023 21:23

I'd let the tickets go and make a CM claim, why haven't you made a claim?

DepartureLounge · 28/04/2023 21:26

Really surprised by the responses to this and the voting. Shitty of the ex not to contribute in any way normally and then go for the big gesture, and doubly shitty when the other DC may not be in the right place at the right time to benefit from a similar fit of generosity any time soon - so divisive. And triply shitty when he's probably not even going to be able to get the kid there and OP will have to choose between facilitating or being the bad guy by not facilitating. All without any consultation. Nice one, dad.

And no, OP can't expect to change him (I'm sure she knows that) but surely she can have a rant about it on here without having her ass handed to her?

YANBU, OP, really.

ChickenDhansak82 · 28/04/2023 21:28

Just be nice about it and assume it's a kind gesture, even if it feels annoying and shit.

BUT... make it clear he also need to sort out and pay for transport there and back, and say to him that to be fair you assume he will also do something of a similar value for the other DC.

poetryandwine · 28/04/2023 21:30

I agree the advice from @CorvusPurpureus is brilliant. I would go further and develop an unbreakable commitment that conflicts with facilitating transport to the concert. (Have you already been asked to do this?)

OP, of course you should continue coming here to rant. You have good reason to do so. But it’s the other stuff.

I can’t quite tell what you have formally attempted re CMS?

AtChoService · 28/04/2023 21:31

pinotnow · 28/04/2023 20:26

CMS says he doesn't have to pay as he's on benefits and has them 4 nights per fortnight. But he has money for this...

I'm completely against missing school for stuff like this AND it would be seen as unfair by ds1, which I would have to deal with as he would not dare raise it with his dad. But will happily rant to me about it. And what do I say without criticising his dad - which is a no-no according to everyone?

Utterly sick of this shit.

Do you really criticise him to your kids? Wow.

I'd get the stick out your arse and just let the kid go. Why can't he get himself there? Who is using the 2nd ticket? Can't his brother go too, then it's fair.

Original poster

pinotnow · 28/04/2023 21:35

I haven't said I criticise him to the dc - re-read. However, both have criticised him to me, though I expect ds2 will be more complimentary from now on...

I have gone through CMS and they've said he doesn't need to contribute due to his income and the nights he has them (these are often cancelled due to gigs though). I did report his £200k inheritance but by then he had already used the bulk of it to buy a house. They said he should have reported it but it was too late to do anything.

OP posts:

HappyintheHills · 28/04/2023 21:39

Buying a house is a sensible choice which your DC will benefit from in the long run.

Okthenhun · 28/04/2023 21:40

Op I feel like on MN when you post you have to suck it up and brace yourself for the shitty, nasty, contrary for the sake of it replies - because in amongst them are real nuggets of gold from women who know what they’re talking about. I’ve found some seriously life changing advice on here as well as having been attacked in the most horrible of ways.

I agree with what @CorvusPurpureus said. I would also be raging.

alwayslearning789 · 28/04/2023 21:44

If it's Twice... you'd be absolutely unreasonable not to let your son go.

Disney Dad is Totally Terrible - I get it OP.
I had one of those and guess what? My Adult Child is Damn Proud of me as yours will be - you'll see...

Concerts like these create memories and why would you deny your son that?? Lucky he got the tickets these things are like gold dust! Think of it as Ex got the tickets, so you don't have to pay for them.

Choose your battles OP - This Ain't It.

And hats off to you for bring SuperMum doing the business. That's what counts in the end.

Behindtheback · 28/04/2023 21:44

I remember your other threads op and your ex is a colossal dick. And he just keeps on giving. I completely understand why this is so infuriating.

How close are you to the deadline of paying him £10,000? Given the rising cost of living it must be incredibly stressful for you.

alwayslearning789 · 28/04/2023 21:46

For being SuperMum...

AgrathaChristie · 28/04/2023 21:47

pinotnow · 28/04/2023 19:45

But he's only spent it on one child? The other benefits not at all.

Just further proof of what a rubbish dad he is.
it’s not fair. You’re the parent that provides , makes sure the homework’s done, teeth cleaned, PE kit packed. You do the cleaning, ironing, washing and he does nothing and pays nothing.
I’m sure you could fight the handing over of marital assets as he’s never paid child support.
I think you’ll have to let the gig tickets go.

Lifeomars · 28/04/2023 21:49

I really feel for you, my ex was like that, never paid a penny after out son turned three (and had only paid the odd bit of money here and there, nothing regular or reliable). It must be galling and I get how angry you must feel, doing all the day to day stuff and paying for everything. Guess you have to bite your tongue and let your child enjoy the gig but I know that is going to be tough. What I cannot understand is how these absent parents get away with dipping in and out of contributing and how do they rationalise it to themselves. I could not see a child of mine going without no matter what my relationship was like with their other parent

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