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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Furious with ex over taking ds to concert - should I say something?

260 replies

pinotnow · 28/04/2023 19:39

DS likes a band who have never toured in the UK. Tickets went on sale for two dates today. By the time I looked after work I could only find tickets costing upwards of £200 each - we'd need 2. This was completely out of the question. Ds was also looking and he found the same. Also, I realised that it would be difficult for us to get there anyway as we are 2 hours from London so it would be extremely tight in a school night - it's a Friday and ds will be Y10 and doors open at 6.30pm.

DS is at his dad's tonight and has just messaged to say ex has got him tickets. I am livid. Ex pays no CM as his income is too low. He is definitely not a high earner but had a large inheritance a year ago and may therefore have funds, but none come dc's way. We have been apart 10 years and he has never paid anything and buys nothing for the dc ever, even when he came into his inheritance. To give an example, ds recently asked him for some trousers when staying there as he had none and ex refused as 'you have plenty of clothes at your mum's.'

DC are with ex 4 nights per fortnight and he pays for nothing but their food when there - and even then they come home saying they are starving and complaining there are no snacks there.

Ex has not run this concert by me and has presumably spent about £500 on tickets. He's never spent anything like this before on either child, not in 10 years. Meanwhile I'm paying out constantly for trips, clothes, prom, phones, social life...the list goes on, all on a teacher's wage. Also saving for dc's uni and to give ex £10 000 of marital assets when ds turns 21. Ex is also quite likely to have a gig on the day in question and then what? It'll be on me to get ds there and I don't think I can.

I'm so cross and really want to confront him and tell him how wrong this is. AIBU to think if he has money of this kind spare he should be contributing and this is a piss take. I really want to tell him this. Should I?

OP posts:
Original poster
pinotnow · 28/04/2023 19:53

dogbeddestroyer · 28/04/2023 19:51

He doesn't have to run things by you. Dc are not babies and they can say no if they don't want to go.

You can't control the relationship he has with them.

I get that he's a dick. I really do. But you won't be able to control this so you're best to let it go and save your tinder for the big stuff.

This is not the hill to die on.

Well if this isn't the big stuff what is? Me paying everything for university for the dc? Because he never responds to any emails I send asking what we're doing about that.

OP posts:
dogbeddestroyer · 28/04/2023 19:53

pinotnow · 28/04/2023 19:51

How is it acceptable to refuse to buy a pair of trousers and then do this? How is maintenance a separate issue when lack of it is due to lack of funds but then he has funds to do this?

It isn't.

But you can't control that.

Reugny · 28/04/2023 19:53

pinotnow · 28/04/2023 19:51

How is it acceptable to refuse to buy a pair of trousers and then do this? How is maintenance a separate issue when lack of it is due to lack of funds but then he has funds to do this?

No one is saying it is.

PPs are saying let your son enjoy the concert as he will soon realise how useless his father is.

dogbeddestroyer · 28/04/2023 19:54

DC can get a student loan and part time jobs like everyone else.

Paying for university is voluntary.

They will only be assessed on the income of one parent. Choose wisely.

OneForTheRoadThen · 28/04/2023 19:55

Has he been assessed by CMS as having too low an income to pay because even people on benefits have to pay a nominal amount? You can apply for a variation to take his inheritance into account too.

I understand where you're coming from, my dc's dad used to pay no maintenance but took them to Italy on holiday while I could only afford 2 days camping. But I do think you need to suck it up for the sake of your dc although it feels and is deeply unfair.

Original poster
pinotnow · 28/04/2023 19:55

dogbeddestroyer · 28/04/2023 19:54

DC can get a student loan and part time jobs like everyone else.

Paying for university is voluntary.

They will only be assessed on the income of one parent. Choose wisely.

So a lifetime of debt and a difficult time (potentially) at uni, but it's all good because he took one dc to one concert one time?

OP posts:
dogbeddestroyer · 28/04/2023 19:57

Did I say it was all good? I didn't say that at all.

If he won't pay for them, then they can be assessed on his (non) income and they'll get a higher level of grant and loan and potentially bursaries from uni.

That could be his contribution.

Why would they have a hard time at uni? All of mine have had part time jobs and it was good for them

andlpe · 28/04/2023 19:57

"So a lifetime of debt and a difficult time (potentially) at uni, but it's all good because he took one dc to one concert one time?"

You seem to be determined to twist what everyone is saying. No one is saying what he has done in regards to supporting his kids is fine.

Original poster
pinotnow · 28/04/2023 20:00

It's just so infuriating. People all seem to be saying he's in the wrong but there's nothing to be done - it'll be nice for ds. But nothing at all for other child - no showing up to matches, and nothing for either that they actually need. And me quite likely to have to facilitate this in the event.

OP posts:
FawnFrenchieMum · 28/04/2023 20:01

Sounds like you would have been able to get him there if the tickets were cheaper?

Original poster
pinotnow · 28/04/2023 20:02

EllandRd · 28/04/2023 19:53

None of your business and stop looking for a fight. What he does with his child is nothing to do with you.

What a stupid comment. Definitely comes from someone who doesn't have to deal with an ex.

OP posts:
dogbeddestroyer · 28/04/2023 20:02

pinotnow · 28/04/2023 20:00

It's just so infuriating. People all seem to be saying he's in the wrong but there's nothing to be done - it'll be nice for ds. But nothing at all for other child - no showing up to matches, and nothing for either that they actually need. And me quite likely to have to facilitate this in the event.

It's unfortunate but you can't control it.

I wouldn't facilitate it at all.

The discussion around university is another debate you're conflating it with all the other stuff he does that pisses you off but you need to understand that you can only control what you do.

It's easier once you realise and implement that

My ex doesn't pay towards my kids at uni. I do. I could be so cross but that doesn't help. It is what it is

UrsulaBelle · 28/04/2023 20:03

OP, I understand your anger. I, too have a wanky exH who swoops in to take the glory. (Going to DS3’s graduation because it’s ’his turn!’) But for your DS’s sake, swallow your pride on this one. He can miss a few hours of school on one day. He’s getting to see his favourite band and hopefully you won’t have to take him.

Original poster
pinotnow · 28/04/2023 20:04

FawnFrenchieMum · 28/04/2023 20:01

Sounds like you would have been able to get him there if the tickets were cheaper?

No - ds mentioned the tickets were on sale today so I gave it no thought until after school today. My first priority was cost but when looking at the available tickets I realised that even if they had been cheaper it would have been a push for us to get there in time.

OP posts:
PeaceLilyCactus · 28/04/2023 20:04

Why bother emailing him about anything if he does nothing for them and gives you no maintenance? I tried to control my ex and force him to be a good father and it doesn’t work. Nothing I said made one bit of bloody difference. I don’t tell him anything now as it’s completely unnecessary.

Your ex is a dick but you’d be wasting energy if you argue with him over this one. I initially thought you meant he was taking your child but if he’s bought you and the child tickets then that’s surely a better situation?

I totally get why you’re annoyed but you need to rethink it; you’re getting to take your child to a concert they really want to go and see, and will make happy memories with them, and the tickets cost you nothing.

Original poster
pinotnow · 28/04/2023 20:05

UrsulaBelle · 28/04/2023 20:03

OP, I understand your anger. I, too have a wanky exH who swoops in to take the glory. (Going to DS3’s graduation because it’s ’his turn!’) But for your DS’s sake, swallow your pride on this one. He can miss a few hours of school on one day. He’s getting to see his favourite band and hopefully you won’t have to take him.

He absolutely won't be missing school.

OP posts:
Jammydodger1981 · 28/04/2023 20:05

dogbeddestroyer · 28/04/2023 19:57

Did I say it was all good? I didn't say that at all.

If he won't pay for them, then they can be assessed on his (non) income and they'll get a higher level of grant and loan and potentially bursaries from uni.

That could be his contribution.

Why would they have a hard time at uni? All of mine have had part time jobs and it was good for them

No they won’t, you need to actually live there.

whammam · 28/04/2023 20:07

Maybe he chucked it on a credit card? Don't let this ruin things for your DS; he'll end up being upset with you unfortunately. Just let him take him.

Indoorcatmum · 28/04/2023 20:07

Wow, I am really surprised at the responses on here.

The fact that he won't purchase basics like clothes but will splash out on tickets with zero thought to the actual practicalities of it must be frustrating at best.

You have had to do everything for the children and yet he can do a big gesture to look good.

I would be upset if I were you and I would also put it all on his dad.

If your ex cant take him to the concert, that is on him. Don't take responsibility for it.

Tell your DS you are very happy for him and the arrangements are to be between him and his dad.

PopGoesTheProsecco · 28/04/2023 20:08

I truly can understand why you feel a bit miffed off. But I personally wouldn’t say anything. I don’t think it would achieve anything.

I appreciate that you may feel that you do everything and pay for everything then he rocks up with the ‘golden ticket’. But think of how happy your DC is.

I also appreciate the difficulty of getting tickets for popular concerts having spent a couple of days this week trying (and eventually succeeding) in getting Lana Del Rey tickets. So he did make an effort.

Hotvimto3 · 28/04/2023 20:11

pinotnow · 28/04/2023 19:43

Um, ok...I mean, I suppose it is pretty horrid to pay for everything for your children...

You dont sound horrid. Hes a prick.

KitBumbleB · 28/04/2023 20:12

I completely get it OP.

Now DS will be super excited to go and no doubt it will be left to you to actually get him there and back.

UrsulaBelle · 28/04/2023 20:14

He absolutely won’t be missing school.

Be careful not to become the bad guy in your DS’s eyes. At his age he won’t be seeing the bigger picture. The more of a deadbeat dad your ex is, the harder it is for your DC. They’ll quite possibly be very keen to have any sign that their dad actually does care about them. Speaking from experience here.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/04/2023 20:16

Why doesn't he pay anything OP?

I think the sensible thing is to put it all in dad. "oh that's generous of him Tom, I'm sure you and Dad will have a lovely time there" and then disconnect. You don't have the ticket, you didn't buy it, you're not taking him, it's all on Dad.

But yes, it's obv a dick move if he's refusing to buy his kid clothes but then can suddenly splash the cash when it suits.

Hankunamatata · 28/04/2023 20:17

No matter the background. Your dc likes the band and they have never toured uk. So what if ex got the tickets, it's something dc will love.
You stop dc going or refuse to facilitate will they forgive you?