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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Furious with ex over taking ds to concert - should I say something?

260 replies

pinotnow · 28/04/2023 19:39

DS likes a band who have never toured in the UK. Tickets went on sale for two dates today. By the time I looked after work I could only find tickets costing upwards of £200 each - we'd need 2. This was completely out of the question. Ds was also looking and he found the same. Also, I realised that it would be difficult for us to get there anyway as we are 2 hours from London so it would be extremely tight in a school night - it's a Friday and ds will be Y10 and doors open at 6.30pm.

DS is at his dad's tonight and has just messaged to say ex has got him tickets. I am livid. Ex pays no CM as his income is too low. He is definitely not a high earner but had a large inheritance a year ago and may therefore have funds, but none come dc's way. We have been apart 10 years and he has never paid anything and buys nothing for the dc ever, even when he came into his inheritance. To give an example, ds recently asked him for some trousers when staying there as he had none and ex refused as 'you have plenty of clothes at your mum's.'

DC are with ex 4 nights per fortnight and he pays for nothing but their food when there - and even then they come home saying they are starving and complaining there are no snacks there.

Ex has not run this concert by me and has presumably spent about £500 on tickets. He's never spent anything like this before on either child, not in 10 years. Meanwhile I'm paying out constantly for trips, clothes, prom, phones, social life...the list goes on, all on a teacher's wage. Also saving for dc's uni and to give ex £10 000 of marital assets when ds turns 21. Ex is also quite likely to have a gig on the day in question and then what? It'll be on me to get ds there and I don't think I can.

I'm so cross and really want to confront him and tell him how wrong this is. AIBU to think if he has money of this kind spare he should be contributing and this is a piss take. I really want to tell him this. Should I?

OP posts:
Hotvimto3 · 28/04/2023 20:39

midnightblue12 · 28/04/2023 20:35

I get why you feel so bitter OP.
Sounds like a real Disney dad.

It's hard to feel like you do everything when the other parent does bare minimal yet they get to swoop in when they chose.

I wouldn't say anything, there's no point, i can guarantee it won't achieve anything. You can't chance these types of people but you can try and change how you manage your feelings towards them.

I've dealt with similar behaviour OP. I really get it, I can hear the pain behind your words. It's sounds like you're a real solid foundation for you DC and they will always know that!

This xxx

minisoksmakehardwork · 28/04/2023 20:39

And re siblings, hopefully your ex will do something similar in the future for his other child. Although it sounds like this ought be a younger child being dc2 if I've read right. And maybe he thinks it's their turn if he has spent a lot of time with ds1 at cricket, whether he currently does or not.

And if you bring up the disparity, you'll be the one responsible for driving a wedge between siblings and not their dad.

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 28/04/2023 20:41

I absolutely understand why you feel the way you do. It's totally shit to be the parent doing and paying for everything while the other one swoops in with a big ticket item from time to time.
But you need to learn to put that anger aside and be happy that DC is getting to go to something they really want to go to.

And regarding DC1, surely he's old enough to understand "I didn't get you a ticket because you aren't a fan"?

twinmum2022 · 28/04/2023 20:41

EllandRd · 28/04/2023 19:53

None of your business and stop looking for a fight. What he does with his child is nothing to do with you.

they are her children, they have absolutely everything to do with her, what a ridiculous thing to say.

HappyHourStartsNow · 28/04/2023 20:42

pinotnow · 28/04/2023 20:31

It's horrible to teach kids school isn't optional? And horrible to ensure siblings are treated equally? ok...

A day off school is not the be all and end all. The kids survive strike days, your son will survive a day with his dad doing something really special.

As for siblings being treated equally… you do that, but you can’t control their dad. You tell your other DS that it doesn’t seem fair but that one day hopefully his dad will do something like that with him. You need to model good grace and being happy for others, not bitter and angry.

You are allowed to feel exactly as you do, but privately. They are just children who want to see the best in their parents, you don’t need to interfere in that.

I get it, my ex lies about income for maintenance purposes, and does the bare minimum with the everyday stuff while pleading poverty - but then swooped in once and literally did a Disney trip (and has also singled one out for sports trips that the others don’t go on). I think he is a dick. It’s not fair, I do all the hard work. He doesn’t even commit to having any of the school holidays so that I can continue to work. I struggle to pay the bills while he drives as brand new car.

But, I was able to grit my teeth and wave them off on their holiday and seem full of enthusiasm. My relationship with their dad is not their problem, he isn’t their ex, he is their father and I need to stay out of it.

Ffsmakeitstop · 28/04/2023 20:42

I really don't understand mn sometimes. It absolutely is wrong to treat children differently and not provide even enough food.
I don't know what you can do about it without your son missing out. Your poor other son. Some men really don't deserve to be dad's.

Shopper727 · 28/04/2023 20:43

I don’t think you’re ruining for the boy but you need to make it clear dad is taking him. Not sure what the angst is about taking a few hours of school yes school is important but so are life experiences and relationships and if you block this it won’t be his sad he sees in a different light so I’d pick my battles. And I get you re the unfairness of it all, no maintenance and you doing all the leg work etc and he gets the prized tickets and you feel like the bad guy.

i would say off you go have fun, do something nice with other dc and let them vent about the unfairness they will see him differently now too. Life sucks somethings, things aren’t fair but you’ve paid for your kids, brought them up the best you can however you can’t control your ex actions sadly. You just have to hope your kids understand that one day and know you are a fab mum. (My ex is also one of these he’s now got a new family that don’t go without etc)

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 28/04/2023 20:44

@pinotnow yes, 2 kids with him. I don't always do 'both kids go or none' on activities etc because one would get dragged along for the sake of the other not missing out.

Kids alway realise who was actually there for them and who just put on a show to look good.

The whole money part might annoy you (rightly so) but I do think he's just trying to do this to make your son happy. It will be a big thing for him to be able to go.

twinmum2022 · 28/04/2023 20:46

OP some of the responses here are wild.

He sounds like an idiot - he should of checked in about the tickets if not for logistic reasoning then out of respect alone.

It would massively bother me that he doesn't financially support his children but out of the blue does this.

I'd confront him privately but also find a way to let your DS go, it's not his fault after all, and as long as it doesn't fall on exams will a few hours out of school really hurt? Understand being a teacher it's harder for you to just up and leave school though!

PopGoesTheProsecco · 28/04/2023 20:48

I empathise OP, I really do. You do everything and pay for everything for the kids. But please don’t give your ex the opportunity to paint you as the bad guy.

i sometimes have Disney Dad issues with the ExH that drive me crazy. It’s taken a few years. but I’ve learnt to pick my battles. Personally, this isn’t a battle I’d have.

Ducksurprise · 28/04/2023 20:49

UrsulaBelle · 28/04/2023 20:14

He absolutely won’t be missing school.

Be careful not to become the bad guy in your DS’s eyes. At his age he won’t be seeing the bigger picture. The more of a deadbeat dad your ex is, the harder it is for your DC. They’ll quite possibly be very keen to have any sign that their dad actually does care about them. Speaking from experience here.

A million times this.

If you have to take him then you get to enjoy the experience, he will remember that long after he has forgotten who paid. Missing a couple of hours school won't ruin him.

FlowersEverywherePlease · 28/04/2023 20:50

So a lifetime of debt and a difficult time (potentially) at uni, but it's all good because he took one dc to one concert one time"

You are hard work.
No one said "it's all good"
But you need to learn to pick your battles op!

FlowersEverywherePlease · 28/04/2023 20:53

PeaceLilyCactus · 28/04/2023 20:04

Why bother emailing him about anything if he does nothing for them and gives you no maintenance? I tried to control my ex and force him to be a good father and it doesn’t work. Nothing I said made one bit of bloody difference. I don’t tell him anything now as it’s completely unnecessary.

Your ex is a dick but you’d be wasting energy if you argue with him over this one. I initially thought you meant he was taking your child but if he’s bought you and the child tickets then that’s surely a better situation?

I totally get why you’re annoyed but you need to rethink it; you’re getting to take your child to a concert they really want to go and see, and will make happy memories with them, and the tickets cost you nothing.

This. 100%

Wishitsnows · 28/04/2023 20:53

He sounds like a complete and utter bellend. What sort of man contributes nothing over the years to raise their child?! Luckily you child will no doubt see through him but will obviously not want to miss out on the concert. I don’t understand the type of man who relies complain a woman financing their children being raised and think buying an occasional present makes them amazing.

SteakExpectations · 28/04/2023 20:53

I do think that it’s different if you cannot get the time off work to take DS.

My DS (same age) has an artist that he adores and we’re taking time off work and school later this year to see them live.

I think that £500 is an insane amount of money to spend on gig tickets, but I think so long as DS’s dad can take him then I think you should just keep it upbeat and positive and encourage them to have a good time. I think it’s also probably worth mentioning to your ex that it’s great that he is able to take DS as even if tickets weren’t so expensive, you won’t have be able to take him due to timings with finishing work, so that it’s clear that he either goes with his dad or not at all.

Theunamedcat · 28/04/2023 20:53

pinotnow · 28/04/2023 19:39

DS likes a band who have never toured in the UK. Tickets went on sale for two dates today. By the time I looked after work I could only find tickets costing upwards of £200 each - we'd need 2. This was completely out of the question. Ds was also looking and he found the same. Also, I realised that it would be difficult for us to get there anyway as we are 2 hours from London so it would be extremely tight in a school night - it's a Friday and ds will be Y10 and doors open at 6.30pm.

DS is at his dad's tonight and has just messaged to say ex has got him tickets. I am livid. Ex pays no CM as his income is too low. He is definitely not a high earner but had a large inheritance a year ago and may therefore have funds, but none come dc's way. We have been apart 10 years and he has never paid anything and buys nothing for the dc ever, even when he came into his inheritance. To give an example, ds recently asked him for some trousers when staying there as he had none and ex refused as 'you have plenty of clothes at your mum's.'

DC are with ex 4 nights per fortnight and he pays for nothing but their food when there - and even then they come home saying they are starving and complaining there are no snacks there.

Ex has not run this concert by me and has presumably spent about £500 on tickets. He's never spent anything like this before on either child, not in 10 years. Meanwhile I'm paying out constantly for trips, clothes, prom, phones, social life...the list goes on, all on a teacher's wage. Also saving for dc's uni and to give ex £10 000 of marital assets when ds turns 21. Ex is also quite likely to have a gig on the day in question and then what? It'll be on me to get ds there and I don't think I can.

I'm so cross and really want to confront him and tell him how wrong this is. AIBU to think if he has money of this kind spare he should be contributing and this is a piss take. I really want to tell him this. Should I?

DO NOTHING seriously say that's nice give no other reaction then when he tries to push it off onto you...say no this is your dad's treat he takes you

FlowersEverywherePlease · 28/04/2023 20:54

Indoorcatmum · 28/04/2023 20:07

Wow, I am really surprised at the responses on here.

The fact that he won't purchase basics like clothes but will splash out on tickets with zero thought to the actual practicalities of it must be frustrating at best.

You have had to do everything for the children and yet he can do a big gesture to look good.

I would be upset if I were you and I would also put it all on his dad.

If your ex cant take him to the concert, that is on him. Don't take responsibility for it.

Tell your DS you are very happy for him and the arrangements are to be between him and his dad.

That's fucking petty.

babyproblems · 28/04/2023 20:54

Ignore the first comment - fairly sure it’s just a troll.
Your anger is totally justified- he’s a fucking twat isn’t he clearly. I’d let your son enjoy this though.. he’ll be hounding him for more after this and then let’s see whether Dad steps up and starts offering to help more!!! You’re not being unreasonable imo to expect fair maintenance and you’ve clearly done all the parenting whilst he’s not done his share. Maybe your son will wonder why he can have concert tickets but not XWZ after? And he’ll see him for what he is. Good luck to you. Do something lovely for yourself when they go to the concert xxxxx

Willmafrockfit · 28/04/2023 20:56

pinotnow · 28/04/2023 19:45

But he's only spent it on one child? The other benefits not at all.

what an idiot he is

Summerfun54321 · 28/04/2023 20:59

He sounds awful but you are the one who had kids with him. Taking something away from your child isn't going to change that or improve your situation.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/04/2023 21:01

Ex is also quite likely to have a gig on the day in question and then what? It'll be on me to get ds there and I don't think I can.

My exH was a musician. He is always unreasonable. Just as a rule. You have my sympathy.

And yes, buying tickets for one when you have ignored every need and want for years is dickish.

Erex · 28/04/2023 21:03

The posters saying YABU, "pick your battles" and "nothing to do with you" etc. clearly have no experience of a Disney dad.
I had one, and it's really, genuinely astounding that people are telling you he's done nothing wrong. Yes, because having been on the receiving end as a child, not being fed enough (my dad had enough money but strict diet he imposed on house guests too) and not being provided for is absolutely fine as long as mum is there to pick up the pieces and dad suddenly magics up some cash for a lavish treat.
Spoiler: The last few years of being completely NC with my dad have been fantastic and I wish I'd done it sooner.

underneaththeash · 28/04/2023 21:03

let DS go, he’ll enjoy it.
let the benefits office know that he’s come into an inheritance and is no longer entitled to them.

revealmyjackpot · 28/04/2023 21:04

I'm afraid it's a 'suck it up' situation,@pinotnow. My ex husband has paid £0 since we split up. Every now and then, he swoops in and does the whole "I'm so marvellous" thing. I take it as a bonus for the children.

I don't quite see why you are saving for university. If your earnings are relatively low, they will get a full maintenance loan (mine all do). They have all managed to live within the loan, albeit not lavishly. They live with me in the holidays, which I regard as my contribution. We have all long since ceased to imagine that their father will do anything other than the occasional gesture.

Whatabouterry · 28/04/2023 21:04

Is this a KPop band? If so I managed to get two tickets today for around £80 each. It may not have cost hundreds. Apologies if it’s not though.