Furious with ex over taking ds to concert - should I say something?

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DS likes a band who have never toured in the UK. Tickets went on sale for two dates today. By the time I looked after work I could only find tickets costing upwards of £200 each - we'd need 2. This was completely out of the question. Ds was also looking and he found the same. Also, I realised that it would be difficult for us to get there anyway as we are 2 hours from London so it would be extremely tight in a school night - it's a Friday and ds will be Y10 and doors open at 6.30pm.

DS is at his dad's tonight and has just messaged to say ex has got him tickets. I am livid. Ex pays no CM as his income is too low. He is definitely not a high earner but had a large inheritance a year ago and may therefore have funds, but none come dc's way. We have been apart 10 years and he has never paid anything and buys nothing for the dc ever, even when he came into his inheritance. To give an example, ds recently asked him for some trousers when staying there as he had none and ex refused as 'you have plenty of clothes at your mum's.'

DC are with ex 4 nights per fortnight and he pays for nothing but their food when there - and even then they come home saying they are starving and complaining there are no snacks there.

Ex has not run this concert by me and has presumably spent about £500 on tickets. He's never spent anything like this before on either child, not in 10 years. Meanwhile I'm paying out constantly for trips, clothes, prom, phones, social life...the list goes on, all on a teacher's wage. Also saving for dc's uni and to give ex £10 000 of marital assets when ds turns 21. Ex is also quite likely to have a gig on the day in question and then what? It'll be on me to get ds there and I don't think I can.

I'm so cross and really want to confront him and tell him how wrong this is. AIBU to think if he has money of this kind spare he should be contributing and this is a piss take. I really want to tell him this. Should I?

My ex did something similar many many years ago my other children (now adults) dont speak to him any more and the fall out for them was awful

Forgot to say, the other reason I wouldn’t bring it up is because if your ex is in any way like my ExH - he’d get a real kick out it. And he’d make you out to be ‘the bad guy’ for being annoyed at doing something your DC really wanted.

He’s a dick , you know it unfortunately they Won’t realise it properly for a long time. But they will, it’s not the odd gesture it’s the day in day out consistency that you do

Completely agree.

You stop dc going or refuse to facilitate will they forgive you?

Don't know, Hankunamatata, but I can't facilitate - teachers can't book a day's leave here and there (not saying everyone else can, but I definitely can't). Also, I'm not allowing him to mis school in Y10 for this. Would also be seen as unfair from his brother's pov. Will he forgive his dad for being a total waste of space?

I deal with a 4-day-a-fortnight Disney Dad too so I completely understand your frustration. My ex pays CM (though not as much as he should as he hides income within his business) but when it comes to the “work” of parenting - emotional support, teaching responsibility and self-discipline, modeling good habits and doing all the admin - he’s nowhere to be found. So I fully get your Rafe.

But others are right in that you can’t browbeat him into being a better dad. If he wanted to or was capable of being a better dad, he would be. I’ve actually come to the conclusion that some people are genuinely so self-absorbed that they honestly don’t have the depth of thinking or emotion to do better. Trying to get him to understand the big picture will just fall on deaf ears.

You just have to play the long game and look at this from your son’s perspective. If you make a fuss and take this away from him, you will come out looking like the asshole. One day your kids will be adults and that’s when the time may be right to give them some perspective on what you’ve put into raising them compared to your ex. But this isn’t that time. Find a way to make the concert work for your son, and he’ll remember and appreciate that, even if you didn’t buy the ticket.

Your ex isn’t behaving well but neither are you. You’re being very unreasonable.

Why can’t he miss a few hours of school? Do you seriously think it’s going to impact him if he does or are you just trying to make some strange point?

A student loan is hardly ‘a lifetime of debt’ - almost everybody has one. It doesn’t even count in credit ratings, it is essentially a graduate tax. And having part time work doesn’t mean a difficult time at uni.

You’re being a bit silly.

Deal with the maintenance issue through the CMS, but the concert isn’t an issue.

Look at it another way. DC really wants to go to the concert and couldn't. His dad is willing to pay. Had he asked you, would you really have told him no, you'd prefer that DC missed out on principle?
The way he's done this, and the context, are infuriating and unfair to you, but you need to keep your eye on what this actually means for your DC.

I pay for pretty much everything for the DC but I’d be really pleased if their dad did something like this for one of them.

Your *rage!

Why will you give him £10k if he paid no maintenance towards the kids, could it not be his contributions for the past 10 years that he hasn't paid.

CMS says he doesn't have to pay as he's on benefits and has them 4 nights per fortnight. But he has money for this...

I'm completely against missing school for stuff like this AND it would be seen as unfair by ds1, which I would have to deal with as he would not dare raise it with his dad. But will happily rant to me about it. And what do I say without criticising his dad - which is a no-no according to everyone?

Utterly sick of this shit.

I mean, I'd be a little irritated too, just seems like a joke to spend that sort of money when you're claiming to have so little you can't pay maintenance.

However, you said the children do stay with him 2 nights a week on average? So I'm not sure what kind of amount he should pay you anyway, they must be consuming food and using water / electricity at his which lowers the cost.
I do think it would probably be worth contacting cms though if you're entitled to more and you think he can pay.

I'd also be annoyed about the price of the tickets but it sounds like the gig is quite some time away still and we don't really know the full story behind his funds. It might have been shoved on a credit card or borrowed where he plans to pay it back over a few months?

Is it that you're disappointed he managed to swoop in and get something that you weren't able to? After all you've done?

He isn't going to be getting to that gig, if you leave it up to his dad to facilitate it all then it's not going to happen is it?

Say 'great result son, enjoy yourself' and make sure you aren't there running round on the night.

He's obviously a dick but he's spent the money on something for you kid who will remember that forever. My ex sees our son about 4 times a year.. if he decided to do something like this with him, I'd be happy that he'd made an effort.

Do you have two kids or more with him?

“Also, I'm not allowing him to mis school in Y10 for this”. Honestly? That’s really horrible and so mean spirited. Please put your feelings about your ex out of the way and don’t spoil it for your son.

It's horrible to teach kids school isn't optional? And horrible to ensure siblings are treated equally? ok...

Put this another way. He's going to upset your other child - so they will see through him. Long game time on that. Dickhead dad has paid for the privilege to let other child seeing he's a dick.

If you say it's not on and your DS can't go, you turn into the baddie too. So you don't win with that. So don't do it.

Dickhead will trip up and do fuck all else with child going to the concert. It will be the only thing that they ever do that your DS will value and in time that will fade as he will see through it.

Play the long game. You aren't going to win this battle, so just let it go and think of the longer term.

Will he forgive his dad for being a total waste of space

Probably yes because presumably he loves his Dad. If you stop him going he will probably forgive you but he will always remember that you stopped him and it will always rankle him to an extent

As long as your ex is also doing the leg work with getting ds to the concert, home again and ensuring he has food, I think you've got to let this go.

Yes, dc is in year 10. But it's one day/night for something he may never get to experience again.

Yes, your ex is unfair in not providing for his children. But if you make this a hill go die on or badmouth your ex to the dc re lack of planning, Disney dad etc, you risk your relationship with your child.

The only answer to this is "that's great, you know I tried so I'm glad your dad manages to get tickets. Let me know what transport arrangements he's made and when I can expect you home". Because anything else sounds like sour grapes on your part that your ex managed something you could not. And that's no way for you to be living.

I have three kids with my ex

No idea what the relevance of that is particularly.

I get why you feel so bitter OP.
Sounds like a real Disney dad.

It's hard to feel like you do everything when the other parent does bare minimal yet they get to swoop in when they chose.

I wouldn't say anything, there's no point, i can guarantee it won't achieve anything. You can't chance these types of people but you can try and change how you manage your feelings towards them.

I've dealt with similar behaviour OP. I really get it, I can hear the pain behind your words. It's sounds like you're a real solid foundation for you DC and they will always know that!

hide your anger
be happy for ds

Your ex sounds like a dickhead, but it would be a shame for your DC not to go to the concert now he has tickets. Do you know what time the main act is on? Obviously doors at 6.30 doesn’t necessarily mean it will start then, so you may have more time than you think. Alternatively, if your other DS is older could they go together rather than you needing to facilitate?