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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Furious with ex over taking ds to concert - should I say something?

260 replies

pinotnow · 28/04/2023 19:39

DS likes a band who have never toured in the UK. Tickets went on sale for two dates today. By the time I looked after work I could only find tickets costing upwards of £200 each - we'd need 2. This was completely out of the question. Ds was also looking and he found the same. Also, I realised that it would be difficult for us to get there anyway as we are 2 hours from London so it would be extremely tight in a school night - it's a Friday and ds will be Y10 and doors open at 6.30pm.

DS is at his dad's tonight and has just messaged to say ex has got him tickets. I am livid. Ex pays no CM as his income is too low. He is definitely not a high earner but had a large inheritance a year ago and may therefore have funds, but none come dc's way. We have been apart 10 years and he has never paid anything and buys nothing for the dc ever, even when he came into his inheritance. To give an example, ds recently asked him for some trousers when staying there as he had none and ex refused as 'you have plenty of clothes at your mum's.'

DC are with ex 4 nights per fortnight and he pays for nothing but their food when there - and even then they come home saying they are starving and complaining there are no snacks there.

Ex has not run this concert by me and has presumably spent about £500 on tickets. He's never spent anything like this before on either child, not in 10 years. Meanwhile I'm paying out constantly for trips, clothes, prom, phones, social life...the list goes on, all on a teacher's wage. Also saving for dc's uni and to give ex £10 000 of marital assets when ds turns 21. Ex is also quite likely to have a gig on the day in question and then what? It'll be on me to get ds there and I don't think I can.

I'm so cross and really want to confront him and tell him how wrong this is. AIBU to think if he has money of this kind spare he should be contributing and this is a piss take. I really want to tell him this. Should I?

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 28/04/2023 21:49

I understand why you are so pissed off with dickhead deadbeat dad. Obviously in his world tickets for gigs are important, new trousers for your kids not so much.

I wonder if you've been back to CMS about the inheritance- it seems wrong that this would not be taken into account in calculations ( I have no clue what the rules are on this) . Sorry if you've already mentioned this.

Also, why do you need to get DS to the concert? You obv can't take time off work so it won't be your problem on the day. Either ex takes him or he gets there under his own steam. Let DS sort that one out, he sounds quite competent.
As for the child who had not been treated, do they need to know how much was spent? I wouldn't talk about the price too much, just tell them that when they're older hopefully dad will sort them band tickets too.

1037370E · 28/04/2023 21:50

I get it OP, I understand why you're angry. Its unfair and doesn't benefit both children, nor does it help you to feed and clothe them. You could say this to him, but he clearly already knows and doesn't give a shit. This shouldn't make a difference to the concert though, you shouldn't stop your son from going - he'll enjoy it.

PopGoesTheProsecco · 28/04/2023 21:54

alwayslearning789 · 28/04/2023 21:44

If it's Twice... you'd be absolutely unreasonable not to let your son go.

Disney Dad is Totally Terrible - I get it OP.
I had one of those and guess what? My Adult Child is Damn Proud of me as yours will be - you'll see...

Concerts like these create memories and why would you deny your son that?? Lucky he got the tickets these things are like gold dust! Think of it as Ex got the tickets, so you don't have to pay for them.

Choose your battles OP - This Ain't It.

And hats off to you for bring SuperMum doing the business. That's what counts in the end.

Absolutely this!

JudgeRudy · 28/04/2023 21:56

I understand why you're angered by your husband but I think you're entangling two different things.
The courts have decided how much maintenance he should pay. Somewhere along the line I'll assume it was also agreed that you got to stay in the marital home and you can pay him back later for his share of marital assets.
He's decided to treat your son to concert tickets. Maybe he's going. You treated them to concert tickets too. You don't get to dictate what he spends his money on. Your boys year 10, not about to sit his A Levels. His dad doesn't need to permission from you to take him to a concert any more than you needed permission from him.
I think you're just angry because you feel he's 'got off lightly' but would you be prepared to swap and allow him to live in the family home and you earn enough to support yourself and pay maintenance? That's ghe only other fair option.
Please don't spoil things for your son, it wont change his dad. Hes your ex for a readon. I do of course think you need to ensure there's a special treat for your other son. If he's bad with money suggest he buys something now.

Axahooxa · 28/04/2023 22:03

He’s clearly a dick.
He won’t listen to you, though, and may just spitefully take the ticket back if you raise this with him. He’ll probably also enjoy you being upset about it.

Original poster
pinotnow · 28/04/2023 22:04

I think you're just angry because you feel he's 'got off lightly' but would you be prepared to swap and allow him to live in the family home and you earn enough to support yourself and pay maintenance? That's ghe only other fair option.

What do you mean? If he lived in the family home and I paid for that AND the dc's costs AND my own expenses? That would be fair? It would be impossible. I pay everything for myself and the dc. He pays nothing, but at least I don't have to fund him. I do however have to subsidise his share of the dcs' costs. That doesn't feel very fair.

OP posts:
PopGoesTheProsecco · 28/04/2023 22:10

JudgeRudy · 28/04/2023 21:56

I understand why you're angered by your husband but I think you're entangling two different things.
The courts have decided how much maintenance he should pay. Somewhere along the line I'll assume it was also agreed that you got to stay in the marital home and you can pay him back later for his share of marital assets.
He's decided to treat your son to concert tickets. Maybe he's going. You treated them to concert tickets too. You don't get to dictate what he spends his money on. Your boys year 10, not about to sit his A Levels. His dad doesn't need to permission from you to take him to a concert any more than you needed permission from him.
I think you're just angry because you feel he's 'got off lightly' but would you be prepared to swap and allow him to live in the family home and you earn enough to support yourself and pay maintenance? That's ghe only other fair option.
Please don't spoil things for your son, it wont change his dad. Hes your ex for a readon. I do of course think you need to ensure there's a special treat for your other son. If he's bad with money suggest he buys something now.

Making a lot of assumptions…

ThisSingleMama · 28/04/2023 22:11

He maybe spent his cost of living payment on the tickets

Either way, your kid gets something he has always wanted

Kick off about it and the only loser here will be you op

Lefteyetwitch · 28/04/2023 22:14

You can't take him. End of. So let go of all of this stress as this is something beyond your control.

If either of them bring it up just shrug and say very sorry but it's out of your hands.
You can't accommodate this.

LotionsAndPotions995 · 28/04/2023 22:17

Op i dont understand why you posted on here if you arent going to accept anything in people's responses. Instead your just twisting things or constantly questioning or throwing other things in to the mix to try and dissuade the fact that majority of PP's view that on a whole you would be unreasonable to stop your ds going to the concert.

And before you hit back at me with something I completely understand your frustrations my ex was exactly the same spiteful disney dad before he dropped contact completely with dc because he got into a relationship. 2 years of inconsistency and heartbreak for my children were enough to stop me being bitter that everything that was funded and provided by myself (even forced contact arrangements). I don't need his money or the validation that he'd have something else to control.

OP The only person your going to upset here is your son and whilst he will forgive that, it may not be something he will forget lightly.

BSB30 · 28/04/2023 22:18

Wishitsnows · 28/04/2023 20:53

He sounds like a complete and utter bellend. What sort of man contributes nothing over the years to raise their child?! Luckily you child will no doubt see through him but will obviously not want to miss out on the concert. I don’t understand the type of man who relies complain a woman financing their children being raised and think buying an occasional present makes them amazing.

I understood from the OP that it is CMS that says dad doesn't have to pay because he has the children 2 nights per week. He will no doubt pay for them while they are at his home (food etc).

My DH has his son a lot and therefore doesn't pay maintenance. Doesn't make him a crap dad.

YouCouldHaveKnockedMeDownWithAFeather · 28/04/2023 22:20

This is one of the problems with CM contributions. Inheritance does not count as income and therefore is not considered relevant when calculating contributions.
His income is low so he’s still not contributing anything.
He is being unreasonable not giving you regular financial support as he can afford it with his inheritance.
However, legally he doesn’t have to.

If your ex wants to finally pay for something, I wouldn’t turn that down. Just make the point that’s it’s his call to get your ds there and back.

poetryandwine · 28/04/2023 22:20

Almost all of us agree that exH is a prize arse, OP. There will continue to be provocative posts, there always are. Instead of responding, why not spend some time now to make an unbreakable commitment that will prevent you facilitating DS’s journey to the concert? Assuming you haven’t already agreed to do that.

Original poster
pinotnow · 28/04/2023 22:21

His contribution is literally the food they eat at his house, which is far less then they eat at mine.

Also, my AIBU wasn't about stopping ds from going, it was about confronting ex about what a shit he is,

OP posts:
MountainChalet · 28/04/2023 22:22

Let him do something nice for his ds for a change. Hopefully he'll do something nice for the other dc too at some point.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/04/2023 22:27

HappyintheHills · 28/04/2023 21:39

Buying a house is a sensible choice which your DC will benefit from in the long run.

It's a sensible choice when someone else is paying to raise your children.

Not an ethical choice but thankfully there's a woman to do that and be poor in old age.

dogbeddestroyer · 28/04/2023 22:29

You will gain nothing from confronting him op. He won't care.

alwayslearning789 · 28/04/2023 22:31

pinotnow · 28/04/2023 22:21

His contribution is literally the food they eat at his house, which is far less then they eat at mine.

Also, my AIBU wasn't about stopping ds from going, it was about confronting ex about what a shit he is,

YANBU OP - Agreed.

He is a shit.

And nothing you say to him or do will change this. You'll be wasting your breath.

The sooner you learn this, the sooner you will let go of the bitterness and get on with making you and your DC's lives as good as they can be.

The best revenge is a life well lived - might not feel like that right now but so true that...you'll see that clearly in time.

BSB30 · 28/04/2023 22:32

pinotnow · 28/04/2023 22:21

His contribution is literally the food they eat at his house, which is far less then they eat at mine.

Also, my AIBU wasn't about stopping ds from going, it was about confronting ex about what a shit he is,

I don't think it would be a good idea. What would you want to get out of it if you did confront him?

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/04/2023 22:32

Since CMS say he should have declared the income, could a good lawyer do anything about the £10k?

littleripper · 28/04/2023 22:32

He'll almost certainly ruin it in some way or turn out not to actually have any tickets.

JudgeRudy · 28/04/2023 22:35

PopGoesTheProsecco · 28/04/2023 22:10

Making a lot of assumptions…

Show quote history

Well it's not a lot of assumptions, it's one. I've said lll assume you're staying in the family home so lm acknowledging I don't know for sure (but it's not unreasonable to think so).

Bananarama77 · 28/04/2023 22:36

I really don’t understand why you’re livid. Buying tickets for his DS is a good thing as it’s a treat. Him not paying you enough maintenance & you thinking his inheritance should be shared with you are irrelevant. I doubt he is starved as his Dad’s home & maybe snacks aren’t available there because that’s how they are, stop nitpicking

PopGoesTheProsecco · 28/04/2023 22:39

JudgeRudy · 28/04/2023 22:35

Well it's not a lot of assumptions, it's one. I've said lll assume you're staying in the family home so lm acknowledging I don't know for sure (but it's not unreasonable to think so).

Show quote history

We don’t know so maybe, like, don’t assume!

CheekyHobson · 28/04/2023 22:43

Also, my AIBU wasn't about stopping ds from going, it was about confronting ex about what a shit he is

As I’ve said before, I fully sympathize with your position, but can I ask, what exactly would you be hoping to achieve with a confrontation?

You already know what your ex is like. He doesn’t pay maintenance or share expenses because he’s somehow convinced himself it’s his right not to do so, not because he lacks the ability to do it. I imagine you’ve had countless similar conversations about this failing over the years.

Do you honestly think confronting him will make him stop and rethink and finally step up? Or do you think that he will simply make weak excuses, paint you as being in the wrong and trying to ruin something nice that he’s done and play the victim like I imagine he usually does?

Will a confrontation really make you feel better or will his inevitable protestations and blame-shifting just give you another thing to fume over and ruminate on?

Its so hard to do but for the sake of your own peace of mind, you just have to let it go. He is who he is and he’s going to continue being that person no matter how much you wish he was a better man and father. He’s not. Lower your expectations of him to meet reality.