About being on the couch together?

[ThatsNotMyFootrest]

DP is making grumblings about us not ‘having any cuddles or quality time together’ if I sit a certain way on the couch.

He likes to be full on snuggled up at all times. His preferred way is him sitting normally (as in feet on the floor, facing forward) and me sitting with my back against him and legs up on the couch. See picture for reference.

I prefer to sit at the other end of the couch (it’s a 2 seater so we aren’t miles apart) and he will lift my feet into his lap or I will sort of tuck them under. He will also stretch out his hand to be held along the back of the sofa IYSWIM so we are always touching still

I actually find his way fine if we are listening to music or chatting but it hurts my neck having to sort of look to the side to watch the TV.

He now seems offended and complains we don’t cuddle anymore as I have been sitting my way more often.

for context we don’t live together and only see each other 2 times a week.

YABU my way is definitely not quality time together
YANBU being comfortable is important and it’s still quality time.

If you only see each other twice a week do you really just sit at home and snuggle watch tv? Surely you go out? Cinema? Meal? Pub? Now that the evenings are lighter can't you go for a walk? I can't imagine just sitting in at home ... surely that's what you do when you are on your own?

Right upto the end of our relationship ex and I were always physically close.
Early days we had a sofa bed in the lounge and laid on that cuddling.
It was very rare for us to be apart on separate sofas for instance.

Some couples are just like that.

Harry clearly my DH and I are the opposite... we each have our own sofa ... and bedroom, I am happily in bed now on my own & my DH is in his own bedroom. Bliss ... no snuggling here .

Well within 5 hrs of me leaving she wanted me to go back to pick something up I'd left.
So I did, we had a hug.
Then 2 hrs later she was sending suggestive messages.🤔😆

Maybe it was her narc games.
Who knows. Six months later it's what I miss.
I quite like sitting close on the sofa... However more akin to the op with feet on lap and maybe a foot massage.

Own bedroom.😳

Own bedroom.😳

And yet which of these two posters are still together?

Same. But sometimes ( if I get the wine) I can go over to his sofa for a foot massage 😁

This is spot on!

This is how I feel at the moment. I need autonomy and it is feeling a bit like my needs are going to get pushed aside because his love language is touch.
Oh stoppit OP.
You had me at "aloof cockapoo", so for your own good I'm not letting you get away with this love language bullshit.
Your DP reckons it's ok for you to have a sore neck so long as he gets bis own way. HowTF is that love language?
It's the language of an entitled cock who's hiding his arrogance & selfishness through a contrived display of NiceGuyTM.

there must be a middle ground though?
Yes. He gets to stop making himself totally unattractive to you, just by cutting out his whinging clinger routine. You get to keep your neck screwed on the way the goddess intended. It's a win:win!

I'm more serious than all that may have seemed.
Your point about bodily autonomy is well made. He is treating you like a personal toy - a doll, an object. How fucking dare he? Plus - WATCH those NiceGuyTM vibes - https://littlebirdflies.wordpress.com/2016/11/06/mr-sensitive/

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO

I’ve not really classed this as controlling. He hasn’t demanded I sit like this.

NiceGuyTM doesn't DO demands.
He does sulking, stonewalling, whinging, pass-agg acting out, blaming, assuming a wounded air, complaining ...

Until you get to the stage where you think it's normal to say things like -
I do have two sofas but I’ve never sat on a different one to him. I dread to think how he’d feel about that!

Neat trick, innit?

I don’t know what the answer is. I’ve never outright said “stop touching me so much” as he would be hurt.
But it;s ok to hurt your neck to comply with his demands sorry he never DEMANDS anything does he. Doesn't need to - he;s got his Special Soft Voice & Hurt Face to make you compliant to his wish for you to be his personal fetish object.

But I have started to sit differently or say “not right now, but I will come in for a hug in a bit” and he is definitely picking up on that shift.
Fucksake.
And instead of respecting it, he's doubled down so soft hard you are posting here for advice about it.

I spent a long time happily single before him so thought the difference in needing this level of physical affection was just because I wasn’t used to it.
You could have been dating 57 men before him, simultaneously if you like, & you'd still have this difference in smothering physical affection needs.

Why was your kneejerk assumption that it must have been YOU who was aberrant? HE IS NOT LISTENING TO WHAT MAKES YOU COMFORTABLE he is just insisting that you pander to his comfort. At the expense of your own.

What does he say when you tell him it makes your neck ache?

😁 YANBU

I have asked him if he has been this touchy in previous relationships. He said not to this level no. And if I’m honest, I think it’s my fault that it’s gotten to this level because I have allowed it and somehow felt I was wrong for not feeling the same need.
You're blaming yourself again.
What is stopping you from holding him to account for his own needy behaviour & imposition of your body & space? Even in the privacy of your own head?

Does snuggles not give you the ick though in all seriousness?

In all seriousness yes his phrasing of this is giving me the Ick but it’s a bit unfair to suddenly throw that at him when it’s essentially my own judgmental issue over language.
Aaaaand here you go again.
Humans make judgements all day, every day. You are scolding yourself for allowing your inner voice to tell you how much you dislike all this nonsense. Why?
It is your perfect right to have the ick over baby voices, baby language, & a babyish need to smother you in uncomfortable & contrived clinches.
Your inner voice is there to protect you, FFS start listening to it, & stop putting his wounded feelings above your personal autonomy.

It is odd because so many people seem to want more intimacy but he’s being slated for that. I think it’s a balance certainly.
Making somebody uncomfortable with your need for suffocating closeness, & complaining that there's "nothing in it for me" & the evening was invalidated by no being 100% welded to you is NOT intimacy.

I don’t think it’s deeper. I’ve pushed for more time together more than he has but for me I want to spend it out and doing stuff while he would prefer to add another evening of us being together watching television
Clingy, boring, doesn't make the effort to compromise & give you more of what you makes YOU happy, has trained you to feel shit about yourself if you don't do what makes HIM happy ...

You've landed a Mr Sensitive for sure OP. Sorry, There is no cure for it, It's engrained, & he totally believes that he is the good person & victim here.
He even has you believing it. Almost.
Please see the links I posted upthread. I don't think you've faced the implications of how this will escalate yet.

Get him this cushion

I just snorted. 🤣

Get a bigger couch. We have a huge l shape one which does take up most of the living room but it's so comfy. We can both lie down, sprawl, etc.

Eeek! He'll never allow her to leave the sofa again ...

Eek! That's a little creepy! 🌹

Maybe he can ask his mummy for a cuddle instead. I bet he has one of those mums What a weirdo.

Love languages are doing some heavy lifting here. He can want snuggles all the time, but if it makes you feel uncomfortable, don't indulge him. Sounds like your love language is 'give me some fucking space'. His wants don't trump yours.

Given up we dating and only see each other twice a week and this an issue, you need to explore if you are compatible. He likes physical affection and touch and you don’t. Read on here how women feel whose husbands don’t want to show affection or touch them. Over time it can be a big issue.

If you had posted saying your boyfriend who you only see twice a week won’t cuddle or show you physical affection and doesn’t really want to be touched (and only offers his feet for you to touch) and insists on sitting at the other end of the couch….you would have gotten very different answers!

I do think this is a major area of incompatibility in couples and one you should think seriously about.

He sounds like a complete Klingon op

I was going to say YANBU until I saw that you don't live together then thought that actually it's a shame because that time you're seeing eachother is a bit more precious in that regard. Nonetheless, I've lived with my DP for ten years now and we most often end up sitting on different sofas enti

...entirely but he will moan we don't cuddle enough too even though he'll be the one going to sit at a different sofa. In time I've concluded men just "need" more affection than women and need to suck it up and understand we don't always need to literally bend our bodies to fulfil their needs rather than our own comfort.

So do we!