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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About being on the couch together?

222 replies

ThatsNotMyFootrest · 27/04/2023 12:51

DP is making grumblings about us not ‘having any cuddles or quality time together’ if I sit a certain way on the couch.

He likes to be full on snuggled up at all times. His preferred way is him sitting normally (as in feet on the floor, facing forward) and me sitting with my back against him and legs up on the couch. See picture for reference.

I prefer to sit at the other end of the couch (it’s a 2 seater so we aren’t miles apart) and he will lift my feet into his lap or I will sort of tuck them under. He will also stretch out his hand to be held along the back of the sofa IYSWIM so we are always touching still

I actually find his way fine if we are listening to music or chatting but it hurts my neck having to sort of look to the side to watch the TV.

He now seems offended and complains we don’t cuddle anymore as I have been sitting my way more often.

for context we don’t live together and only see each other 2 times a week.

YABU my way is definitely not quality time together
YANBU being comfortable is important and it’s still quality time.

About being on the couch together?
OP posts:
SnackSizeRaisin · 27/04/2023 13:45

Ick. LTB

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 27/04/2023 13:45

He'd like to put his head on your lap? What are you.. his mother? 😂

wrinkleintime · 27/04/2023 13:47

Well you could sit up straight and he could sit against you at an uncomfortable angle and see how long he maintains it for?

He is obviously being unreasonable here.

Iltakethat · 27/04/2023 13:49

Dh and I have a sofa each. He sometimes tries to get me to sit on "his" sofa "for cuddles" but I wont as my sofa is much more comfortable and if I sit on the other one I get an uncomfortable crick in my neck watching the tv. After years of this conversation he has recently started sitting on my sofa for a bit of a cuddle and then moving to his own (which I am glad of as I don't like sharing my sofa and I'm also often on MN and I don't want him peering over my shoulder).

So the solution is, get two sofas and stick to your guns!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 27/04/2023 13:52

What he really needs is a dog. Dogs are loving, needy, adoring and have little need for personal space. A dog could meet his need for constant physical reassurance, and then you could sit in a way that humans actually like to sit, instead of replicating advertising photos of how people sit, and straining your neck.

Schabernacker · 27/04/2023 14:06

Head in your lap is serious ick territory.

You sit the way that you find most comfortable. And you don't have to touch or be touched if you don't want to be.

azimuth299 · 27/04/2023 14:48

He is being selfish. You've told him that you are uncomfortable sitting that way and he wants you to sit that way anyway. There might be a way around it though - maybe you could move the TV so he's the one who has to watch it with a turned head? Or maybe he can buy you a bigger couch, or perhaps you could watch TV in bed instead? Regardless, it's a red flag that he pressures you to do something that he knows is physically uncomfortable to you.

Oysterbabe · 27/04/2023 14:50

Yanbu.
I don't want to be touched all the time, fucking hate it in fact.

FictionalCharacter · 27/04/2023 14:52

Everydayimhuffling · 27/04/2023 12:55

If he wants someone to sit sideways then he should do it!

Yep! Let him enjoy looking at the tv sideways.
If my DH had some kind of brain malfunction that made him believe he can tell me how to sit, I wouldn’t comply with his demands, let’s put it that way.

jammiedodgerfriday · 27/04/2023 15:04

I'm sorry but if my DH got like this over where we sat on the sofa I would get the ick so bad!

Sit on the sofa how you feel most comfy and tell him to stop whining and grow up! He sounds extremely clingy.

Nanny0gg · 27/04/2023 15:07

ThatsNotMyFootrest · 27/04/2023 13:01

This is how I feel at the moment. I need autonomy and it is feeling a bit like my needs are going to get pushed aside because his love language is touch.

there must be a middle ground though?

Show quote history

Is he the same in bed? Have you got to be cuddled up there all the time too?

<shudder>

JellyBeanFactory · 27/04/2023 15:08

DeltaAlphaDelta79 · 27/04/2023 13:38

Sod that. We have separate sofas!

On opposite sides of the room!

Helenahandkart · 27/04/2023 15:13

Me and DH have an enormously long sofa so that we can both sit at our own end and never have to touch each other. We are both REALLY comfortable and each have a great view of the tv. I can’t think of anything worse that to be constantly snuggling.

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 27/04/2023 15:13

You need a bigger sofa or a relationship with an actual grown-up.

LakeTiticaca · 27/04/2023 15:37

Ugh no. Its fine in the first bloom of the relationship but not once your established. My ex was like this It really gave me the ick. I would rather have a dog 😀😀

L0bstersLass · 27/04/2023 15:40

Bin him. He sounds fucking dreadful.

SallyWD · 27/04/2023 15:51

God I sit on a completely different sofa! I need my space! I couldn't have someone dictating how I sit.

HurryShadow · 27/04/2023 15:54

Christ, he'd hate us - we have an entire sofa each on opposite sides of the room though I have to share mine with the cats!

The only time we share a sofa is if we're watching a proper blockbuster film, because (of course) his sofa has the best TV viewing angle.

ellebelli · 27/04/2023 16:05

If it is a new relationship and you are only seeing each other twice a week, I can understand his need to cuddle( i would for a bit then get too hot/uncomfortable and need to move away)
If however this is a long term relationship and you cuddle/show affection at other times-sit how you want to.
Myself and husband sit on the same sofa,sometimes I will put my feet on him so he can rub them.
I do remember in the early days he used to have his arm over the back of me,or ask me to lean into him-I always said no! So he has now stopped.
I wouldn't like us to sit on different sofas(not least because he passes me my wine and we share a bowl of crisps) it just wouldn't feel "together"(though we do sit apart during the day-when kids are around, it is only when we put a series/film on that we sit on the same sofa.)

Seriously, apart from in films and adverts who cuddles up like that(picture) to watch tv????

Original poster
ThatsNotMyFootrest · 27/04/2023 16:30

PlantsAndSpaniels · 27/04/2023 13:35

I do see his point if you only spend 2 days together and he wants the closeness, but I see your point of wanting to sit comfortably. Is there any way of rearranging the furniture to make it more comfortable? Like moving the tv so it's to the side so you face it when lying on the sofa? Could you watch tv in bed instead for a few hours and cuddle?

We see each other at other times, we have 2 evenings where this is an issue.

There is no other way to have the TV at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatsNotMyFootrest · 27/04/2023 16:31

DeltaAlphaDelta79 · 27/04/2023 13:38

Sod that. We have separate sofas!

I do have two sofas but I’ve never sat on a different one to him. I dread to think how he’d feel about that!

OP posts:
happyumwelt · 27/04/2023 16:33

Oh good this has given me the ick and it’s not even my DP.

Lcb123 · 27/04/2023 16:33

Sit how you want. He sounds very needy

happyumwelt · 27/04/2023 16:33

I meant God, but I suppose good works too.

Stravaig · 27/04/2023 16:35

I have run away screaming on your behalf.