About being on the couch together?

[ThatsNotMyFootrest]

DP is making grumblings about us not ‘having any cuddles or quality time together’ if I sit a certain way on the couch.

He likes to be full on snuggled up at all times. His preferred way is him sitting normally (as in feet on the floor, facing forward) and me sitting with my back against him and legs up on the couch. See picture for reference.

I prefer to sit at the other end of the couch (it’s a 2 seater so we aren’t miles apart) and he will lift my feet into his lap or I will sort of tuck them under. He will also stretch out his hand to be held along the back of the sofa IYSWIM so we are always touching still

I actually find his way fine if we are listening to music or chatting but it hurts my neck having to sort of look to the side to watch the TV.

He now seems offended and complains we don’t cuddle anymore as I have been sitting my way more often.

for context we don’t live together and only see each other 2 times a week.

YABU my way is definitely not quality time together
YANBU being comfortable is important and it’s still quality time.

I’m obviously an outlier but I actually like being physically close to my dh. We often sit together and cuddle when watching tv. I sometimes want a bit more attention, sometimes he does. I don’t see it as controlling, I think it’s nice-but if we’re uncomfortable, we just move. Judging by some of the replies, some people don’t seem to like their ohs very much. Getting the ick because he likes to be close? Really?

It’s strange that he wants to cuddle, usually it’s the woman. Don’t usually hear much of the guy needing so much cuddling. I need cuddles, affection, and also have to beg my dh to rub my shoulders. Which he does do to be fair. His love language is me bringing him plates of food though.

Are you teenagers?

I can't imagine being in an adult relationship with someone who actually used the word 'snuggles' .... how can you have any respect for him?

Oh god OP, he does "little voices"?!

Does he do feathery strokes?

BLINK TWICE IF YOU NEED HELP.

while he watches documentaries and car videos 😄

Tell us about the little voices, op.

😱

We aren’t teenagers which I think makes this so much worse.

he said he’d basically been my foot rest and there wasn’t anything in that for him

If your feet were in his lap, why did he not he offer you a full reflexology treatment and satisfy his need for touch that way? (Only if you actually like foot rubs ofc.)

I sympathise!

Can you not both sit next to each other and just have your legs / bum touching?

Like a cat will sit next to you for warmth but somehow manage to make it seem like they're not bothered?

This is the compromise we have reached chez Mochinated

Well it does sound a bit prescriptive but equally I think back to when DH and I didn't live together and were first going out and we would both have wanted to be touching and cuddly. And it wouldn't have been thhat uncomfortable if it's only for a short time 2 times a week (mind you we were early 20s then). Fast forward a quarter of a century (!) and not only are we separate sofas but often separate rooms and separate tellies! Sometimes even separate beds as he snores like a warthog. We're not really as flexible anymore to be sprawling over each other for any length of time.

So it all depends on context, I think. New relationshp while you're young and passionate and not yet living together: touchy feely all the way. Long term married/partners and with middle-aged aches and stiffness: I completely get the need for space.

Look, he’s a really great guy and I love him very much.

I spent a long time happily single before him so thought the difference in needing this level of physical affection was just because I wasn’t used to it. So I was happy to accept it and felt it was very sweet that he was so keen to show me he loved me in lots of little ways like this.

More recently I have been feeling a bit “touched out” and a little like my need for actual physical space between us occasionally is coming second to him being allowed to express his love language.

He would never demand I do anything but he will make it known he’s missing it. I think it’s good to be able to voice a need not being met in a relationship.

I don’t know what the answer is. I’ve never outright said “stop touching me so much” as he would be hurt. But I have started to sit differently or say “not right now, but I will come in for a hug in a bit” and he is definitely picking up on that shift.

If you intend to be a couple for the foreseeable future you need to knock this nonsense on the head pronto. His behaviour is infantile and controlling

But you live together presumably?

I find this thread really upsetting.

My husband is clearly seeing OP behind my back. 😬🤣

Eeeee, does he actually use the word "snuggles"? If my DH asked me for some "snuggles" I'd laugh in his face and hand him a teddy bear and blankie.

I have a dog like this!
I like to sit in my own armchair.
I wouldn't allow my DH to dictate how and where I sit. He can cuddle up to the dog if he wants something to cling on to.

My fist thought was yuk! How do you put up with that?

but I guess you don’t live together and haven’t been in a relationship for years on end.

DH and I sit on separate sofas. It’s honestly much better than way. But we have been together 20 years. It works for us.

DP and I have a variety of methods of sitting on the sofa (actually they're mostly instigated by me, because I fidget a lot.) Maybe some of them will suffice?

DP sits legs outstretched, feet on pouffe thing. I have separate pouffe, but nudge it next to his so we can occasionally touch toes.

We both sit upright, feet on floor/pouffes, with hands straying towards the middle of the sofa, so tips of fingers can touch.

He sits upright, I sprawl on his chest until my jaw starts doing this weird clicky thing. Then I pat his leg (occasionally his 'gentleman's area, just to make him feel wanted) and sit up and away down my end of the sofa.

He sits upright and I stick my feet on his lap. Occasionally misjudge it and clonk his balls.

He invades my end of the sofa with his lanky legs and feet and I absentmindedly pat them a couple of times before pushing them off, citing his bony ankles as the reason.

I curl up on my end and stick my feet on the side of his thighs.

He stands up and approaches me on my end of the sofa, puts on foot on the sofa cushion and thrusts his...actually you don't need to know about that one. Suffice it to say it's less cuddly and more snort/snot/tear inducing laughter.

OMG no! We have seperate living rooms but this is after 30+ years together. I don't want him always encroaching on my sofa space. That's for the cat.

God! I could not bear this.

Thin end of the wedge I think.

He thinks you should put your comfort second to his preferences.

I’d also want to be the person sitting at the further end from the TV at least sometimes so that so that they were the one who had to turn back to talk.

You’re his human fidget toy.

He would never demand I do anything but he will make it known he’s missing it. I think it’s good to be able to voice a need not being met in a relationship.

Voice a need, yes; but in any way persuade, coerce or manipulate a partner into conforming, no.

He's missing it, compared to what? If you weren't together, he presumably wouldn't be getting any touch at all.

Or is he saying he could get the kind, frequency and quality of touch he wants elsewhere? In which case, maybe you're just incompatible, and he should leave to find it. There is a threat in there somewhere.

I'd be interested in what he's comparing to. Is it an idealised version of reality he's never actually experienced, and should perhaps stop trying to mold you to? Or has he had it in the past - and what else went wrong there then?

@Shodan 🤣

So do we. I’m occupying the entirety of mine right now.