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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About being on the couch together?

222 replies

ThatsNotMyFootrest · 27/04/2023 12:51

DP is making grumblings about us not ‘having any cuddles or quality time together’ if I sit a certain way on the couch.

He likes to be full on snuggled up at all times. His preferred way is him sitting normally (as in feet on the floor, facing forward) and me sitting with my back against him and legs up on the couch. See picture for reference.

I prefer to sit at the other end of the couch (it’s a 2 seater so we aren’t miles apart) and he will lift my feet into his lap or I will sort of tuck them under. He will also stretch out his hand to be held along the back of the sofa IYSWIM so we are always touching still

I actually find his way fine if we are listening to music or chatting but it hurts my neck having to sort of look to the side to watch the TV.

He now seems offended and complains we don’t cuddle anymore as I have been sitting my way more often.

for context we don’t live together and only see each other 2 times a week.

YABU my way is definitely not quality time together
YANBU being comfortable is important and it’s still quality time.

About being on the couch together?
OP posts:
Original poster
ThatsNotMyFootrest · 27/04/2023 18:03

I have asked him if he has been this touchy in previous relationships. He said not to this level no. And if I’m honest, I think it’s my fault that it’s gotten to this level because I have allowed it and somehow felt I was wrong for not feeling the same need.

OP posts:
MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 27/04/2023 18:07

ThatsNotMyFootrest · 27/04/2023 18:03

I have asked him if he has been this touchy in previous relationships. He said not to this level no. And if I’m honest, I think it’s my fault that it’s gotten to this level because I have allowed it and somehow felt I was wrong for not feeling the same need.

Does snuggles not give you the ick though in all seriousness?

Wine4whine · 27/04/2023 18:08

FrenchandSaunders · 27/04/2023 12:54

Christ he sounds like a cockapoo!

Best. reply. ever 🤣

Original poster
ThatsNotMyFootrest · 27/04/2023 18:11

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 27/04/2023 18:07

Does snuggles not give you the ick though in all seriousness?

Show quote history

In all seriousness yes his phrasing of this is giving me the Ick but it’s a bit unfair to suddenly throw that at him when it’s essentially my own judgmental issue over language.

OP posts:
orangegato · 27/04/2023 18:14

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 27/04/2023 13:43

Ugh, I'd be binning him what a wet wipe!

Couldn’t have put it better.

cannaecookrisotto · 27/04/2023 18:16

No. I have my own couch and he has his.

I like my space. If he tried to tell me where I could sit, he would be told to feck off.

ShowUs · 27/04/2023 18:16

I love to cuddle up on the sofa but I would hate HAVING to do it.

However, in his defence he is being open and honest about his feelings and communicating them which is a good thing.

He wants intimacy.
Many MNers say they too want intimacy with their partners and want to be able to touch and cuddle up without it being all about sex and all of the replies tell the OP that she is in the right and that she should communicate this with her partner.

There needs to be a compromise.

You cannot be uncomfortable and you need to tell him that you will not be uncomfortable just to please him but perhaps you could try and be more affectionate.

Could you get a TV in the bedroom and then cuddle up there to watch a film?

PurpleWisteria1 · 27/04/2023 18:26

ThatsNotMyFootrest · 27/04/2023 18:03

I have asked him if he has been this touchy in previous relationships. He said not to this level no. And if I’m honest, I think it’s my fault that it’s gotten to this level because I have allowed it and somehow felt I was wrong for not feeling the same need.

Don’t blame yourself! How has this now turned around to be your fault?
There is really only one conversation that needed to happen here:
You are over the other end of the sofa. He says- come and sit next to me or can we cuddle up or something similar.
You say, I’m quite comfy here at the moment - it’s a bit uncomfortable bending my neck round or or similar.
He then says ok no problem- fancy a cup of tea?
Thats it. No grumps. Or mood. Literally you just carry on.
Next time he asks, maybe you decide to cuddle but not in that neck turning way. And again he’s fine with that because it’s a compromise.
Anything from him more than that is selfish at best, controlling at worst.

LittleCatSing · 27/04/2023 18:29

FrenchandSaunders · 27/04/2023 12:54

Christ he sounds like a cockapoo!

😂

Newnamenewname109870 · 27/04/2023 18:31

Some of these comments are harsh! It’s nice he wants to cuddle. Compromise and find other ways? Like hold his hand more or things like that? Sounds like it may be something deeper like he wants to see you more.

Stravaig · 27/04/2023 18:32

ThatsNotMyFootrest · 27/04/2023 18:03

I have asked him if he has been this touchy in previous relationships. He said not to this level no. And if I’m honest, I think it’s my fault that it’s gotten to this level because I have allowed it and somehow felt I was wrong for not feeling the same need.

So he's not missing a real thing, he's missing what he gets when he persuades it out of you. He either needs to be more appreciative of you as you intrinsically are; or he needs to go and find someone who might spontaneously offer him what he says he wants.

If you're young and thinking children are in your future, I'd move on from this one - you'll have even less tolerance for his needs once the kids have you all touched out!

Original poster
ThatsNotMyFootrest · 27/04/2023 18:38

We aren’t young and there will be no children. I have one from a previous relationship and am 100% done. He never wanted kids so we are suited in that way.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatsNotMyFootrest · 27/04/2023 18:40

Newnamenewname109870 · 27/04/2023 18:31

Some of these comments are harsh! It’s nice he wants to cuddle. Compromise and find other ways? Like hold his hand more or things like that? Sounds like it may be something deeper like he wants to see you more.

It is odd because so many people seem to want more intimacy but he’s being slated for that. I think it’s a balance certainly.

I don’t think it’s deeper. I’ve pushed for more time together more than he has but for me I want to spend it out and doing stuff while he would prefer to add another evening of us being together watching television

OP posts:
bussteward · 27/04/2023 18:44

ThatsNotMyFootrest · 27/04/2023 18:40

It is odd because so many people seem to want more intimacy but he’s being slated for that. I think it’s a balance certainly.

I don’t think it’s deeper. I’ve pushed for more time together more than he has but for me I want to spend it out and doing stuff while he would prefer to add another evening of us being together watching television

Show quote history

Suppressing your needs in favour of his isn’t intimacy. You being physically uncomfortable and cricking your neck isn’t intimacy.

Original poster
ThatsNotMyFootrest · 27/04/2023 18:48

I worry that we are just too mismatched with this now though.

I think I’m a normal amount of affectionate. I will hug and kiss him hello/goodbye, hold hands, hand on thigh in car, shoulder rub if I’m passing type thing.

he recently asked that I initiate more affection but I explained he is doing that so often and fully that I will never feel the need to do that unless he makes space for me to. He did concede to that. I was miffed that all that we were doing was somehow not counting because I wasn’t physically hugging him as in my arms around him.

OP posts:
Truestorypeeps · 27/04/2023 18:48

I'm a man and can't say I've ever communicated my wants and needs in terms of where my partner is to sit and that we should be touching in some capacity at all times!!! Was he not held as a baby? Your own space is important otherwise you'll feel suffocated... I'd say there's a chance of that actually happening to you for real 😆

Truestorypeeps · 27/04/2023 18:51

What's he like in public? Is it PDA central? I'd feel so self conscious if he was. People that can't keep their hands off each other like a pair of teenagers, major 'ick'! Get a room!

Stravaig · 27/04/2023 18:56

ThatsNotMyFootrest · 27/04/2023 18:38

We aren’t young and there will be no children. I have one from a previous relationship and am 100% done. He never wanted kids so we are suited in that way.

That gives you more options! You sound lovely, but I think you've been a bit too understanding and accommodating of him.

You worry about judging or rejecting him; I celebrate being discerning, choosy, and not settling. Never place your own needs second; men are already socialised to put us there.

(I'd also struggle with a partner who wasn't entranced simply to be in the presence of my mind, my heart 🤣 I am quite tactile, but I need to connect in other ways too.)

Mamette · 27/04/2023 19:04

he recently asked that I initiate more affection

Oh god this would put me right off. It’s like being given an action at work or something.

isthewashingdryyet · 27/04/2023 19:08

It really is not normal to need to touch another person all the time. Look at the love language definitions as this is way in excess of that.

HatThatWearsYou · 27/04/2023 19:53

@ThatsNotMyFootrest So this sounds like a soft serve of coercive control, he may not "demand" but his actions and words are making you feel guilty and are an attempt to make you change your behaviour.

Essentially the major issue for me would be that he puts his wants above your comfort. That is not a nice look on anyone, you aren't an object, you are a human being too.

You are right to feel upset and a bit offended that your quality time is not classed as such unless you are tangled together on the couch. Also he wants to spend more time on the couch rather than doing other things?

Just all the nopes from me. Run!

monsteramunch · 27/04/2023 20:45

Suppressing your needs in favour of his isn’t intimacy. You being physically uncomfortable and cricking your neck isn’t intimacy.

Well said, this is what my issue is with it too.

And you still haven't told us what the 'little voices' are like OP, so I assume they're ick inducing?!

ReadersD1gest · 27/04/2023 20:55

FrenchandSaunders · 27/04/2023 12:54

Christ he sounds like a cockapoo!

🤣

FictionalCharacter · 27/04/2023 21:57

He actually uses the word “snuggles”? Yuck. Fine for a child to use, not for an adult man. And what in the name of Pete is a “little voice”? Sounds pathetic.
He really does sound a bit manipulative in saying he wants you to initiate affection more, when you already have plenty of physical contact.

ReadersD1gest · 27/04/2023 22:01

ThatsNotMyFootrest · 27/04/2023 18:48

I worry that we are just too mismatched with this now though.

I think I’m a normal amount of affectionate. I will hug and kiss him hello/goodbye, hold hands, hand on thigh in car, shoulder rub if I’m passing type thing.

he recently asked that I initiate more affection but I explained he is doing that so often and fully that I will never feel the need to do that unless he makes space for me to. He did concede to that. I was miffed that all that we were doing was somehow not counting because I wasn’t physically hugging him as in my arms around him.

So needy... Such neediness is a total turnoff.