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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have made SIL cry

334 replies

Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 13:44

A while ago whilst visiting with SIL she made a joke about giving DS lots of sweets when he comes over and said it’ll be a secret.

completely harmless.
however the next time we spoke (by text) I did just say I know you were joking but just so you know for the future when DS is older we will have a no secret rule and just sent a little information on why we want to have a no secret rule for children.

she then called DH crying saying I’ve offended her…

am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Mightaswellstayawakenow · 26/04/2023 13:46

I would’ve done the same as you. She’s being dramatic

Secondwindplease · 26/04/2023 13:47

You’re both being daft really.

StupidFaces · 26/04/2023 13:47

I agree with you. Strictly no secrets from mum or dad for obvious reasons (speaking as a former child who was made to keep a bad secret)

declutteringmymind · 26/04/2023 13:48

No, a bit overbearing but she obviously doesn't like being called up. My reply I'm her shoes would have been: Yes, as I told you I was joking, and of course I wouldn't expect your children to keep anything from you. Are you ok??

Btw. Your children will keep things from you.

dietcokelime · 26/04/2023 13:49

"just sent a little information on why we want to have a no secret rule for children." This sounds a bit OTT - if she said something purely as a joke, if DS is still a young young one then it's something you could have just looked to into the future?

As PP said a no secret rule won't be forever your DC will keep secrets?

JustAnotherUsey · 26/04/2023 13:49

You said you knew it was harmless, so why the need to send her info on it? She's going to think you suspect her or something. I'd be upset too. She will feel like she can't even make jokes with her nieces and nephews

Original poster
Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 13:50

Secondwindplease · 26/04/2023 13:47

You’re both being daft really.

It’s not really daft to have a no secrets rule… it’s one of the most basic way to protect our child when we’re not there.

as @StupidFaces said they were made to keep a bad secret as a child it’s not a rare thing and its unfortunately likely at some point my child may come across an unsafe adult.

OP posts:
gooseduckchicken · 26/04/2023 13:51

You didn't make her cry. She chose to cry.

I've pulled up relatives about talking to my kids about secrets they will keep from me. It's all fun stuff but I don't like dc being told to keep any secret from me and also I don't like the insinuation that dc can only have fun without me when they're still at an age where they think I'm amazing.

GalileoHumpkins · 26/04/2023 13:51

sent a little information on why we want to have a no secret rule for children

What did you send her? It's possible she thinks you're equating her giving him sweets with whatever bad things your info contained.

WandaWonder · 26/04/2023 13:51

So you knew she made joke before?

So no I don't get why you had to say what you did

ShirleyPhallus · 26/04/2023 13:53

Totally overbearing

HowDoYouDoWhatYouDoToMeIWishIKnew · 26/04/2023 13:53

She made a joke, you made a comment - fine.

Sending information about it was ridiculous and OTT.

Nordicrain · 26/04/2023 13:53

Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 13:50

It’s not really daft to have a no secrets rule… it’s one of the most basic way to protect our child when we’re not there.

as @StupidFaces said they were made to keep a bad secret as a child it’s not a rare thing and its unfortunately likely at some point my child may come across an unsafe adult.

Show quote history

From experience lots of people will say this to your child. Your job is to teach them not to keep secrets from you no matter what other adults say.

I think you should have left it personally.

19lottie82 · 26/04/2023 13:53

You over reacted. She over reacted.

AllIwantforChristmas22 · 26/04/2023 13:54

I was in the same situation (relative gave DC sweets and told them it was a secret and not to tell the parents). I was very upset and told relative so. Telling children to have secrets from their parents is a bad idea especially coming from a person they already know and trust. Your SIL is silly to cry over it, I assume she doesn’t have kids yet.

LucifersLight · 26/04/2023 13:54

Her “joke” was not funny or appropriate but to be honest you were a bit blunt and should have put her straight on the spot not later. It sounds like you went overboard explaining your rationale.

Original poster
Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 13:54

JustAnotherUsey · 26/04/2023 13:49

You said you knew it was harmless, so why the need to send her info on it? She's going to think you suspect her or something. I'd be upset too. She will feel like she can't even make jokes with her nieces and nephews

I don’t suspect her of anything but it’s important that all the adults in my DS life are on the same page and rules are consistent.

I didn’t want to not say anything and then in a years time or 2 years suddenly say this is a rule it was more of an fyi

I’ve had similar conversations with other mum friends and it was a really casual conversation like obviously.

OP posts:
LadyGaGasPokerFace · 26/04/2023 13:54

It’s fine, but good luck with that when he’s a teenager.

justpushingthrough · 26/04/2023 13:55

That seems like a really strange response from you.

Hugasauras · 26/04/2023 13:55

Very OTT and heavy-handed IMO especially with sending her information to read! Raise it in the future if it's ever actually an issue and not just a jokey comment that you admit was 'harmless'. Surely it's more about teaching it to your child anyway?

iyzzz · 26/04/2023 13:56

Sounds like you were pretty heavy handed and patronising to me. It would be different if she had actually asked your child to keep something secret from you. But I'd be a bit peeved if I said something which was clearly a joke and later received a text follow up about why children shouldn't keep secrets from their parents - it sounds like you don't trust her. You should have said something in the moment or followed up in person another time if you thought it was an issue.

Original poster
Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 13:57

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 26/04/2023 13:54

It’s fine, but good luck with that when he’s a teenager.

…this post is obviously not about teenagers and obviously you would handle the dangers of the internet and groomer etc with a teenager completely different to a young child.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 26/04/2023 13:59

Our rule was no secrets if they make you feel bad,sad or worried. Sweets from a family member wouldn't fall into these so I think yabu . I do understand where you're coming from though.

Original poster
Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 13:59

iyzzz · 26/04/2023 13:56

Sounds like you were pretty heavy handed and patronising to me. It would be different if she had actually asked your child to keep something secret from you. But I'd be a bit peeved if I said something which was clearly a joke and later received a text follow up about why children shouldn't keep secrets from their parents - it sounds like you don't trust her. You should have said something in the moment or followed up in person another time if you thought it was an issue.

That’s fair enough I personally thought I was being nice but admittedly naturally I am a blunt person

OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 26/04/2023 14:00

Secondwindplease · 26/04/2023 13:47

You’re both being daft really.

I agree