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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have made SIL cry

334 replies

Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 13:44

A while ago whilst visiting with SIL she made a joke about giving DS lots of sweets when he comes over and said it’ll be a secret.

completely harmless.
however the next time we spoke (by text) I did just say I know you were joking but just so you know for the future when DS is older we will have a no secret rule and just sent a little information on why we want to have a no secret rule for children.

she then called DH crying saying I’ve offended her…

am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
NeedToChangeName · 26/04/2023 14:20

RedHelenB · 26/04/2023 13:59

Our rule was no secrets if they make you feel bad,sad or worried. Sweets from a family member wouldn't fall into these so I think yabu . I do understand where you're coming from though.

Our rule was no secrets if they make you feel bad, sad or worried

@RedHelenB That's a lovely way to phrase it

Dishwashy · 26/04/2023 14:21

I think text was the wrong medium for that conversation.

AlbertaAnnie · 26/04/2023 14:22

TidyDancer · 26/04/2023 14:11

Your response made me cringe tbh. She was clearly joking as you yourself have acknowledged so I don't know why you felt the need to say anything. It was silly. And if you know you're a blunt person anyway, I think you've got your answer as to how you've upset her.

Be the bigger person here and apologise. She's sensitive and you're blunt, it's easier for you to put this right than let it fester.

Yes 🙌 all of this

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 26/04/2023 14:22

You're both massive drama queens.

MrMarkham · 26/04/2023 14:22

Absolute fuss over nothing on both sides. Who really has the time or inclination to make a big deal over this sort of thing, which could lead to family fall outs. Sometimes you have to just not sweat the small stuff (which this was.)

NeedToChangeName · 26/04/2023 14:22

youhavenoidea123 · 26/04/2023 14:20

@Scotlandma so when your DC purchase birthday or Xmas presents for their dad, you will not encourage them to keep the present a secret so it's a surprise?

I personally think it's important to reach DC the difference between good/positive secrets and those that make them feel bad/upset or uncomfortable.

@youhavenoidea123 I would describe a birthday present as a "surprise", not a "secret"

Violetcrush · 26/04/2023 14:23

It would have annoyed me to but I think it would have been better addressed in the moment… I don’t think what you’ve done is wrong at all, but maybe she’s a bit of a sensitive soul aka drama llama

Lovingitallnow · 26/04/2023 14:26

I think if my SIL did this I'd probably reply if you knew I was joking then this whole conversation is redundant. But I'm fairly blunt too. I wouldn't be upset, but there would be danger of my eyes rolling out of my head. If she had actually asked your child to keep a secret from you I'd raise holy hell, but a warning years in advance based of an innocuous joke is a bit much.

TickBoxGoBlue · 26/04/2023 14:27

I’m completely with you on the no secrets rule, surprises yes but secrets no. If you sent her an article explaining why then great, her crying not so much. You did the right thing. This is why there is the no secrets rule as children don’t understand the difference between good and bad secrets when they’ve been taught they should keep them.

retinolalcohol · 26/04/2023 14:28

I get where you're coming from. As a PP has said, generally hard and fast rules about no secrets from mum and dad are better with (small) children as abusers aren't walking around with a neon sign over their heads. You don't know where they are and generally they are someone known to the child - the relationship of 'trust' is how they're able to get away with these 'secrets'

I think perhaps you should've addressed it in the moment though and not over text. It's the text that's made it really serious and probably made her feel scolded

youhavenoidea123 · 26/04/2023 14:29

@NeedToChangeName but you would be keeping the surprise a secret other it's not a surprise!

GeorgeGerald · 26/04/2023 14:29

I would assume that all parents have a 'no secrets' rule with young children. Your SILs joke was a bit...old fashioned/unthinking and I very much doubt that it was anything but a throw-away remark. I would've though a better response would be to explain to DS that your SIL was joking and it was an old fashioned thing that people used to say a lot without really meaning it (when you had left, of course, not whilst there!)...so he understands when the next person says something similar and you're not there.

Your reaction was OTT and patronising. Your SILs reaction was OTT and immature.

Emigratingimmigrant · 26/04/2023 14:31

Was the "little information" about sexual abuse by family members and SIL took it as you think she might do that?

NeedToChangeName · 26/04/2023 14:32

My cousin told her children that "keep this secret" was actually code for "it's not a secret and you must tell your Mum"

She regretted this when her children faithfully relayed every secret from the school playground

SavBlancTonight · 26/04/2023 14:32

Too much drama all round. It would have been far more appropriate to mention the "no secret" rule lightly and casually at the time or during a similar situation in the future so you were overbearing and patronising.

But SIL is being ridiculously OTT to be sobbing and saying she's offended etc.

youhavenoidea123 · 26/04/2023 14:36

Surely it's more important to teach children about feelings. Talking to them openly and encouraging them to share with you when something doesn't feel good. Not everything that is bad is called a secret.

cheekyffer · 26/04/2023 14:36

It depends on the situation. Was she really making a joke and you got on the defensive? Or does she have form with undermining, in which case being called out and a clear boundary is necessary?

Ticktocktimebomb · 26/04/2023 14:39

It’s a reasonable rule and we say similar to our DC, however I think you should have said something then and there in person. Messages lose their tone and also the fact you waited until after the conversation probably made her feel like you had concerns.

Kiwisarenotjustfruit · 26/04/2023 14:45

youhavenoidea123 · 26/04/2023 14:20

@Scotlandma so when your DC purchase birthday or Xmas presents for their dad, you will not encourage them to keep the present a secret so it's a surprise?

I personally think it's important to reach DC the difference between good/positive secrets and those that make them feel bad/upset or uncomfortable.

This is easy. You call the bad type ´secrets’ and the good type ´surprises’. Bad secrets can make you feel worried and there is no time limit on them. People sometimes ask you to keep bad secrets because they or you are worried it will upset someone and them sad or angry. Eg. Your friend at school says don’t tell the teacher I hit you because she’ll be angry. We don’t promise to keep secrets from your mum and dad or other adults you trust. You can tell your teacher and your mum and dad that your friend hit you, even if they ask you to keep it a secret. Good surprises happen when you don’t tell someone special about something nice until it’s all ready. Then you tell them/show them. Surprises are fun and they make people happy. You don’t tell the person the surprise is for for a while so that they are extra happy when they find out. Eg. You make Mummy a card for Mother’s day with your teacher/Daddy/Grandma/favourite Aunty and don’t show her until it’s all ready and it’s the right day. Then you show her the surprise and she’s happy.

TheSingingBean · 26/04/2023 14:45

You were pompous OP. I'd have been pissed off if you'd done that to me.

No secrets as a principle is fine but you took a little joke out of context.

If you felt you had to say something (and I don't think you did) you should have done it there and then, or at least face to face - not text.

I think you should apologise.

Wheresthebeach · 26/04/2023 14:45

Ouch OP. You sent her reading to do? Presumably on sexual abuse and how it always involves keeping secrets? When she was joking around over sweets…

Completely unreasonable. Fair to tell her you have a no secrets policy but without the overtones.

Moveoverdarlin · 26/04/2023 14:45

If I would have got your ‘info’ and text, I just would have rolled my eyes and thought ‘oh have a day off’. I wouldn’t have cried, I would reply with an ‘okey doke, whatever you say’.

You said yourself it was a harmless exchange between a child and a caring auntie about a packet of sweets. Sending info about keeping secrets and alluding to abuse is of course bound to cause offence.

Kiwisarenotjustfruit · 26/04/2023 14:49

TheSingingBean · 26/04/2023 14:45

You were pompous OP. I'd have been pissed off if you'd done that to me.

No secrets as a principle is fine but you took a little joke out of context.

If you felt you had to say something (and I don't think you did) you should have done it there and then, or at least face to face - not text.

I think you should apologise.

Fuck that. Don’t apologise. Just make sure she knows you want her to back you up with the no secrets from trusted adults thing, and that she’s got the wrong end of the stick thinking that you’re comparing her behavior to that of a child sex offender.

AllIwantforChristmas22 · 26/04/2023 14:55

Her crying is emotional blackmail. Don’t apologise- your child your rules.

re people saying secrets are only when it makes you sad/unhappy -what nonsense. Relative gave DC tons of sweets every day telling them to keep it a secret from parents. Child was not unhappy or sad at all! Relative enjoys undermining our rules, and having control over child in our case. Plus having secrets with child gives them power over parents.

watcherintherye · 26/04/2023 14:55

SavBlancTonight · 26/04/2023 14:32

Too much drama all round. It would have been far more appropriate to mention the "no secret" rule lightly and casually at the time or during a similar situation in the future so you were overbearing and patronising.

But SIL is being ridiculously OTT to be sobbing and saying she's offended etc.

I think it all depends on what information the op attached to her text. If it was advising that someone who tells a child to keep a secret could be grooming them, then no matter how true that is, I don’t think it’s surprising that the SIL was offended, when she thought she was just being lighthearted.

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