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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have made SIL cry

334 replies

Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 13:44

A while ago whilst visiting with SIL she made a joke about giving DS lots of sweets when he comes over and said it’ll be a secret.

completely harmless.
however the next time we spoke (by text) I did just say I know you were joking but just so you know for the future when DS is older we will have a no secret rule and just sent a little information on why we want to have a no secret rule for children.

she then called DH crying saying I’ve offended her…

am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
LaughingCat · 26/04/2023 14:56

Appreciate the reasoning behind the ‘no secrets’ rule but, as a kid, I would have started keeping secrets from my parents just because they’d told me not to. The second it was taboo, I’d have wanted it. Stranger danger was enough to stop me trusting adults or other ‘kids’ I didn’t know.

My eyebrows would have raised if my SIL would have text me the same thing. We often joke in the same way with our niece and nephews.

MumOfASuperSon · 26/04/2023 14:58

If you had said at the time, “Oh no! No secrets in this house!!!!” it would have opened up a light conversation.

Instead you have sent a kind hearted, well meaning adult, who loves your child a patronising messaging, insinuating their behaviour could put your DC at risk of abuse. I can absolutely understand why she is upset.

Your no secret rule is absolutely right but needs to be directed at your child. We have the same in our house. We have always said if someone says “don’t tell” you must always tell either Mum or Dad. We will never get cross or angry and we are here to help them.
For example,
If they have had secret sweets- we will help them brush their teeth.
If they have done something wrong- we will help them apologise
If someone has done something that makes them uncomfortable/ we will seek the appropriate help / bury the fucker

HurryShadow · 26/04/2023 14:58

Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 13:57

…this post is obviously not about teenagers and obviously you would handle the dangers of the internet and groomer etc with a teenager completely different to a young child.

Show quote history

I understand what you mean OP. It's not so much as being "no secrets", more of a "you can talk to me about anything" and reinforcing the fact that no-one should tell a child to keep something a secret.

Of course children/teenagers will keep secrets from their parents. The rule is there for the children to understand that being told to keep a secret from their parents isn't normal.

JustFuckingTired · 26/04/2023 14:59

Maybe she was crying because she was in pain because of how hard she was cringing for you.

Nowdontmakeamess · 26/04/2023 15:02

All these people saying OP is being ridiculous, what are you doing to reduce the 1 in 20 children who are sexually abused in the UK? She’s trying to help her child learn what trusted adults should and shouldn’t do. A simple rule like ‘they shouldn’t ask you to keep secrets’ does no harm to the SIL, but could be vital in keeping the child safe. Preventing abuse is everyone’s job, maybe if we all took it more seriously it wouldn’t be so prevalent and less children would suffer.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/04/2023 15:04

Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 13:54

I don’t suspect her of anything but it’s important that all the adults in my DS life are on the same page and rules are consistent.

I didn’t want to not say anything and then in a years time or 2 years suddenly say this is a rule it was more of an fyi

I’ve had similar conversations with other mum friends and it was a really casual conversation like obviously.

Show quote history

No lighthearted conversation starts with a specific text and involves you sending thru info I fering she'd be aiding someone to abuse your child.

I text my sister to tell her 4 month old I'd share my sausage. She replied "haha too young". So I replied "Dave, don't tell Mommy and I'll let you share my sausage". She sent back a laughing face.

Because she doesn't think I'm an idiot like you seemingly think dsil is

YouveGotToGrooveIt · 26/04/2023 15:04

Depends what the 'little information' was tbh.

If you had asked me not to keep a secret about sweets = fair enough.

If you then sent a load of material on the dangers of CSA, I'd be pretty upset too.

Kiwisarenotjustfruit · 26/04/2023 15:04

LaughingCat · 26/04/2023 14:56

Appreciate the reasoning behind the ‘no secrets’ rule but, as a kid, I would have started keeping secrets from my parents just because they’d told me not to. The second it was taboo, I’d have wanted it. Stranger danger was enough to stop me trusting adults or other ‘kids’ I didn’t know.

My eyebrows would have raised if my SIL would have text me the same thing. We often joke in the same way with our niece and nephews.

Stranger danger is not enough to keep kids safe from sexual abuse. Unfortunately most abuse happens within families or the abuser is a trusted friend or someone else a child knows well and trusts. This is because abusers mostly pick victims they can manipulate into keeping the secret. And the children who trust them are probably relatives, or children they know well from an activity or something similar.

Lottie4 · 26/04/2023 15:06

We all make genuine mistakes/have different ideas about things and sometimes other people are a lot more sensitive about them. DH sent SIL a card with a birthday cake on it - she assumed I'd bought it and was rubbing it in because she was overweight - I had her in tears to me on her birthday and I just couldn't convince her DH had chose it in all innocence.

Fast forward, I've been best SIL ever for about five years as I did something (very easy and simple in my mind) to support my DH.

Arucana · 26/04/2023 15:06

Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 13:59

That’s fair enough I personally thought I was being nice but admittedly naturally I am a blunt person

Show quote history

Even if your response was a little blunt, I think it’s a legitimate concern. I don’t see what funny about saying I’ll give you sweets behind your parents back ha ha to a young child. She crossed one of your boundaries and you told her so. It may have been an accidental crossing - but if it was then surely she would apologise and say didn’t realise it was a concern, of course I’ll be mindful in future no to say anything about your children keeping things from you.

NBLarsen · 26/04/2023 15:06

She was joking, you acknowledge that yourself. Your response was patronising and unnecessary! It would have been more appropriate for you to run with the joke and say something like "well we will have a no secrets rule so I'll hear all about his sweet stash and might even help myself to them, ha ha".
But it would have been better to do and say nothing since it was obvious to everyone that it was a joke. She's obviously a doting aunty and you've made her feel crap.
She deserves an apology from you.

Kiwisarenotjustfruit · 26/04/2023 15:07

NBLarsen · 26/04/2023 15:06

She was joking, you acknowledge that yourself. Your response was patronising and unnecessary! It would have been more appropriate for you to run with the joke and say something like "well we will have a no secrets rule so I'll hear all about his sweet stash and might even help myself to them, ha ha".
But it would have been better to do and say nothing since it was obvious to everyone that it was a joke. She's obviously a doting aunty and you've made her feel crap.
She deserves an apology from you.

No she doesn’t.

PlacidPenelope · 26/04/2023 15:07
  1. You didn't make you SIL cry she chose to
  2. No-one family or not should be joking about children keeping secrets from their parents with another adult whether or not they are a relative about sweets or anything else.

You were right @Scotlandma your SIL was in the wrong.

hugefanofcheese · 26/04/2023 15:08

What info did you send? I think you were fine to say something (although I prefer a PP's 'bad sad or worried' wording as everyone is entitled to keep some things to themselves). If it was a link to stuff about child abuses etc then I can see why she was upset, having something she said in good humour connected to that sort of thing. I know you weren't accusing her but still, it was heavy handed and clumsy. If she had come back and asked 'why'? that would have been different. I think you should reiterate to her that you weren't questioning her intentions, it was just a heads up.

What is the purpose of this rule for you, that your child feels genuinely able to approach you with anything or for your own peace of mind so you can lean on there being this rule if you feel there is something being withheld in future? Not having a pop, but if this is reflective of how you would normally handle issues, then you may want to think about how to be more tactful and approachable.

updin · 26/04/2023 15:12

You should have laughed and then with a smile and sincerity said something at the time in a gentle way. Bringing it up like you did us making much too much of a thing of it, and has clearly embarrassed her.

CheersForThatEh · 26/04/2023 15:14

I think your follow up was excessive and in her shoes I wouldn't have cried I'd have thought WTAF and hat you were bonkers to send that message. The time to address is is there and then in the July way it was said "nooooo, we dont have secrets from mummy!"

EllandRd · 26/04/2023 15:16

Drip drip drip, you are way OTT, goodness lighten up.

CheersForThatEh · 26/04/2023 15:18

Kiwisarenotjustfruit · 26/04/2023 15:07

No she doesn’t.

Show quote history

Yes, she does. SIL made a joke that a loving auntie would make about spoiling her nephew and got sent a lecture on child abuse.

A common joke from previous generations and those that dont have kids and OPs HANDLING of it was clumsy. The message is fine, the delivery of said message was the problem.

HyacinthBookay · 26/04/2023 15:19

I am on the fence about this one. Perhaps your timing was a bit off. To do it by text is very off. Would have been better to tell her face to face and you would have been able to slip it seamlessly into the conversation.

Snugglemonkey · 26/04/2023 15:19

Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 13:50

It’s not really daft to have a no secrets rule… it’s one of the most basic way to protect our child when we’re not there.

as @StupidFaces said they were made to keep a bad secret as a child it’s not a rare thing and its unfortunately likely at some point my child may come across an unsafe adult.

Show quote history

The daft bit is not theno secret bit, it is the overreaction with the sending stuff. You could have laughed and said, "oh no way, DC tells me everything because we have no secrets". Kept it light. Not made it a thing.

cittigirl · 26/04/2023 15:20

Maybe it would have been better to say it in person in a conversation rather than texting her. I think that was a bit ott.

Twiglets1 · 26/04/2023 15:21

You both sound painful.

Kiwisarenotjustfruit · 26/04/2023 15:21

CheersForThatEh · 26/04/2023 15:18

Yes, she does. SIL made a joke that a loving auntie would make about spoiling her nephew and got sent a lecture on child abuse.

A common joke from previous generations and those that dont have kids and OPs HANDLING of it was clumsy. The message is fine, the delivery of said message was the problem.

Show quote history

I disagree. Strongly.

HyacinthBookay · 26/04/2023 15:22

Nowdontmakeamess · 26/04/2023 15:02

All these people saying OP is being ridiculous, what are you doing to reduce the 1 in 20 children who are sexually abused in the UK? She’s trying to help her child learn what trusted adults should and shouldn’t do. A simple rule like ‘they shouldn’t ask you to keep secrets’ does no harm to the SIL, but could be vital in keeping the child safe. Preventing abuse is everyone’s job, maybe if we all took it more seriously it wouldn’t be so prevalent and less children would suffer.

But she told SIL and there was no need to. Tell the kid not the SIL.

ItsCalledAConversation · 26/04/2023 15:23

You could have been kinder/lighter with this, you didn’t need to make her feel bad. Plenty of people don’t understand the implications of their actions until they’re explained.

I would say it like, as trusted adults we don’t teach children to keep secrets in case another adult wanted them to keep a secret about something harmful. It can be a way for abusers to hide. Hope that’s ok.