To have made SIL cry

[Scotlandma]

A while ago whilst visiting with SIL she made a joke about giving DS lots of sweets when he comes over and said it’ll be a secret.

completely harmless.
however the next time we spoke (by text) I did just say I know you were joking but just so you know for the future when DS is older we will have a no secret rule and just sent a little information on why we want to have a no secret rule for children.

she then called DH crying saying I’ve offended her…

am I being unreasonable?

I don't understand why so many people and SIL have jumped to the conclusion that you accused her of this when you didn't (assuming that's what SIL and that's why she's upset).

You literally said you know she was joking so was definitely not accusing her, and to me you you didn't seem rude or entitled. I get that in the moment might have been better, but I am terrible at saying things in the moment because I don't know how to say it or I don't think about it until after. Just because you didn't say it in the moment you should just not say anything when it's clearly been on your mind between speaking?

Family should be the people we can be upfront/honest/ourselves with and not have to treat on eggshells with things like this so I don't get the offense at all, if you were mean or rude it would be different but you wasn't.

People confuse me! 🙃

Read my lips! But she was planning to. No need to be rude.

I doubt she was planning to.

Sorry if I was rude. Was more frustrated at other posts and not specifically yours. Just goes to show how miscommunications happen by text.

OP if I were you I would just put my big girl pants on and say there was a misunderstanding; that you didn’t mean to offend or upset but that her comment reminded you of a conversation you and dh had about no-secrets and that as a valued adult in child’s life you wanted her to be included into the discussion. In this case it would be better for this to be done by text but proofread carefully for clarity before you send it out so that if any mixups continue you can always refer to what you actually said.

Seems like an over the top reaction for a single throw away comment. If she made a similar comment again, then taking her aside to talk about it in person at the time is much more appropriate than texting after the fact. I'm sure all you needed to do was mention you prefer not to joke about keeping secrets, as that's sometimes a tactic abusers use. If she's a reasonably intelligent person, one sentence is all that needs to be said; there's no need to be lecturing her by texting her information on the subject.

But the child was right there. Yes, I know the child seems to be a baby but babies and toddlers language comprehension skills are always much more advanced than there speaking skills. So although on this one occasion the concept of secrets probably went over the child’s head, it really won’t be very long until they start to build up a concept of what the word means. OP is just trying to get SIL onside ahead of time so that she can be the trusted adult supporting this important message and not a confusing adult who the child likes and trusts but who goes against what Mummy and Daddy say about secrets. If OP didn’t like or respect her SIL, she wouldn’t have bothered trying to explain to her why she wants a no secrets rule in place. She would just mentally remove SIL from the trusted adults list. All these people saying OP is ridiculous and has damaged her child’s relationship with their aunty have it backwards. Someone who can’t listen to their nephew’s parents about parenting decisions that are important to them is not going to be trusted to babysit and develop a relationship with the child away from their parents.

This. Sending a text like that would come across differently rather than just talking like a normal person. Also in this context a very OTT response

Yep, this exactly

Kids need to have more trusted adults than just their parents. Trusted adults could be other family members, friends - maybe parents of their school friends, teachers, childminders or babysitters. And the no secrets rule means children can tell other trusted adults about things their parents may have asked them to keep secret too. Or they can tell someone else if they don’t want to tell their parents. But the no secrets rule still stands. If someone asks you to keep a secret, you do not have to do it. If the secret makes you worried or scared then you should tell someone you trust and they will help you. It still works for teens. Imagine your friend at school told you she’s worried she’s pregnant. Well that’s a pretty worrying secret and it would be very proud if could say to her, maybe we should tell the school counselor/our favourite teacher, she’ll know what to do.
Even people who have to obey privacy rules and keep clients/patients secrets, like a school counselor, also have times when they to break those privacy rules for safeguarding reasons. They are always honest about it with patients though.

My mil used to give my DSs sweets and say 'yummy yummy don't tell Mummy'. I told her that I have no problem with her giving them sweets but please don't tell them not to tell me things, YANBU. As they get old they will keep secrets from you but the point is they are doing that by choice not because someone else has told them not to tell you.

I think you should just call her and acknowledge that on reflection, sending her the info via text might have come across a bit OTT. You just wanted to be careful about not normalising keeping secrets, even for silly things like sweets. It’s nothing to do with your SIL specifically. Sounds like she may have interpreted your text as a suggestion she might do horrible things to your child, hence why she’s so upset?

I think you've been weird and officious with your sister-in-law. I see why she's upset, though in her position I hope I would have reacted more calmly.

You seem to be operating on the assumption that in sharing this no secrets information with SIL you are protecting your child, but honestly I don't see how schooling someone well intentioned in response to a joke is going to do anything to prevent malign people from hurting you child. It may make you feel more in control to imagine that it will.

Ultimately, if you want to repair your relationship with your SIL and enrich your child's life with a close and supportive extended family you should probably try to validate her feelings a bit here, rather than focusing exclusively on your sense of being right on principle.

So you have basically said that she is not a trustworthy person on the grounds that you knew she was joking and it was completely harmless? So you basically said, you don't trust her not to do this for something that isn't a joke and completely harmless and you warned her off by text. What's the matter with you? A quick call, and you would not have had this at all. All your fault, don't text, phone. No wonder she was upset.

It does sound a bit like you're inferring she's a peadophile tbh.

But I don't think you were wrong to say it. He's your child.

A huge amount of people on this thread obviously have no understanding of what OP's no secret rule means.

OP is going to teach her child that anyone who tells them to keep a secret from their parents is not trustworthy. This is a really simple and sensible thing to do to protect them from abuse.

OP gave their SIL a heads up that they will be teaching their child this, and therefore if she tells OP's child to keep a secret, even as a joke, it risks either undermining the message that trustworthy adults will not ask them to keep a secret from their parents OR make OP's child regard SIL as untrustworthy. Presumably SIL wouldn't want either of these things to happen.

OP wasn't telling SIL that she was grooming her child ffs. She was letting her know that her innocent jokey remark might have unintended consequences due to OP's parenting decision.

And a quick heads up in the moment would be fine and sensible. Sending written material relating to child abuse (and I assume child sexual abuse) some time later is in my view (and apparently the SIL’s) directly equating the person who made the comment with an abuser.

I wouldn’t choose to be around a child whose parent decided to insinuate she thought I’m likely to abuse that child and that’s how I’d take sending me that sort of material.

I didn’t want to not say anything and then in a years time or 2 years suddenly say this is a rule it was more of an fyi

If you think people need two years to get to grips with the (massively common and widely understood) idea that children aren't asked to keep secrets from their parents, then I can understand why you have concerns.

However, it sounds like you are a little bit overbearing if you are preparing otherwise competent adults to behave appropriately when your child is old enough to understand the concept of secrets (I can't see how old your child is, but I get the impression we're talking about a literal baby here?).

Basically, if you approach everything like this, you are going to make parenting hugely more difficult than it needs to be and alienate people who would otherwise be happy to help you out. Try not to borrow trouble from the future - you have got time to see how people interact with your child and assess their suitability based on that rather than trying to pre-empt theoretical situations that sound like they are years off anyway.

YANBU OP, your SIL completely overreacted. If you can be a bit blunt at times, and I am too, then if she knows you she should be used to it and decipher the message you are making, not worry about the tone so much. Don't feel bad, you didn't do anything wrong. She overreacted to what was a general message, don't let her make you feel bad, she is the one with the problem and I hope she won't cause trouble for you by putting on the waterworks to manipulate your DP.

And a quick heads up in the moment would be fine and sensible. Sending written material relating to child abuse (and I assume child sexual abuse) some time later is in my view (and apparently the SIL's) directly equating the person who made the comment with an abuser.

This!!

Haha. Touché!

OP came back and explained that she doesn’t care and won’t apologize.

She is reading and only replying to messages that support her stance.

This is all about maintaining the illusion of control.

If this is the case then we can only pity everybody involved, especially the OP.

Well, you’re an idiot then

Possibly but I don’t descend to personal insults in online debate so I’m fairly sure I’m winning at life over people who are so pathetic that they think that’s appropriate behaviour.

Yes. This. I worked in CSA, and there really is a massive difference in "secrets".

I'm a mum of two middle aged kids, and gran to 5 adult grandchildren.

Silly secrets like sweets are ok from a much loved auntie - just educate your DC on telling you about anything that makes them uncomfortable. But, when they reach teenage, they will have secrets,

You've been OTT with the text and should apologise.🙄

Of course children keep secrets as they get older. I took it to mean that the OP will be tellling her child that adults asking them to keep secrets wont be acceptable (in terms of abuse, abusers will often tell children its a secret and they won't be believed) and that they can tell her if anyone has them to keep a secret (to ensure they are safe)

Not like keeping a present a surprise or a picture they've drawn a surprise but anything that could lead to potential grooming.