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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have made SIL cry

334 replies

Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 13:44

A while ago whilst visiting with SIL she made a joke about giving DS lots of sweets when he comes over and said it’ll be a secret.

completely harmless.
however the next time we spoke (by text) I did just say I know you were joking but just so you know for the future when DS is older we will have a no secret rule and just sent a little information on why we want to have a no secret rule for children.

she then called DH crying saying I’ve offended her…

am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
HyacinthBookay · 26/04/2023 16:09

toomuchlaundry · 26/04/2023 16:07

@BiscuitsBiscuitsEverywhere I would have a huge issue with a teacher, coach, childminder or similar person telling my child to keep something secret from me, no matter how innocuous. They would have had safeguarding training that tells them that this is a big no. You should never tell a child to keep something secret from a trusted adult. Like others have said you can tell them a present for mum is a surprise for her so we don't tell her about it until her birthday, but no-one should tell you to keep it secret.

SIL was joking with OP which implies that she fully understands about not keeping secrets from parents. I agree that there are things you probably shouldn’t joke about and this is one of them.

Sissynova · 26/04/2023 16:11

I mean it’s totally over the top in my mind.

A close family member giving sweets and joking about it being a secret isn’t a gateway to abuse.z

Nottamug · 26/04/2023 16:13

HNRTFT but I think you were overbearing and if I really was concerned I would have had a conversation about it and not sent a text .

BiscuitsBiscuitsEverywhere · 26/04/2023 16:14

ArseMenagerie · 26/04/2023 15:59

It’s not about secrets.
some secrets are nice:
birthday presents
surprises
sweets with an auntie

Teach your son about things that make him uncomfortable and how whatever the secret he is ok to tell you or his dad if he is worried about it.

You really sound overconfident about child rearing and that no one else will get it. But actually you need to let your child experience all kinds of different views and opinions and methods and it’s about empowering him to be discerning and have boundaries about what makes him uncomfortable and not about blanket rules.

Exactly. Well said.

strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 16:14

Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 13:50

It’s not really daft to have a no secrets rule… it’s one of the most basic way to protect our child when we’re not there.

as @StupidFaces said they were made to keep a bad secret as a child it’s not a rare thing and its unfortunately likely at some point my child may come across an unsafe adult.

Show quote history

Secrets vs surprises is a good one

But you didn't need to send her info on it just tell her you don't do secrets

Truestorypeeps · 26/04/2023 16:14

A lot of adults without children wouldn't understand the harm in saying about keeping secrets. Maybe it would have been better to just bring it up in a more casual way when you next saw her, or ask your husband to mention it rather than send her information. I deal with my siblings, my wife deals with hers. I wouldn't be pulling up my in-laws or pointing things out to them, I don't see it as my place.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 26/04/2023 16:15

I think you did the right thing by saying no secrets, although you should have brought it up immediately, not afterwards. No trustworthy non parent adult ever tells a young child to "keep it our little secret". Of course children are going to keep secrets from you, but this is teaching your child about safeguarding.

strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 16:16

Truestorypeeps · 26/04/2023 16:14

A lot of adults without children wouldn't understand the harm in saying about keeping secrets. Maybe it would have been better to just bring it up in a more casual way when you next saw her, or ask your husband to mention it rather than send her information. I deal with my siblings, my wife deals with hers. I wouldn't be pulling up my in-laws or pointing things out to them, I don't see it as my place.

It's OP's child of course its' OP's place

IJustHadToLookHavingReadTheBook · 26/04/2023 16:16

This sounds both overbearing and condescending... the double!

You know and I know that the way your SIL was discussing "secrets" was a) a joke and b) harmless. Of course you're right to bring your child up saying they should never keep secrets from you- to a point, as a PP said, they will keep things from you, but no bad secrets they're told to keep from you, good blanket rule etc- but your SIL wasn't talking about "secrets" in that way, and you knew it.

Unless there's a huge drip feed here and you were abused and warned to keep it a secret and your SIL knows this or similar, there was no need. You're embarrassed and upset her for no reason other than to make a point. Are you always this black and white?

toomuchlaundry · 26/04/2023 16:17

@Sissynova its the principle that no-one should tell a child that they should keep something secret from a trusted adult. As others have said abuse usually comes from someone in the family. So it could start with a relative telling you to keep the sweets a secret from parents, and then maybe some gifts and build it up from there when gained trust of child and also see that the child hasn’t told their parents about them

Original poster
Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 16:18

retinolalcohol · 26/04/2023 14:28

I get where you're coming from. As a PP has said, generally hard and fast rules about no secrets from mum and dad are better with (small) children as abusers aren't walking around with a neon sign over their heads. You don't know where they are and generally they are someone known to the child - the relationship of 'trust' is how they're able to get away with these 'secrets'

I think perhaps you should've addressed it in the moment though and not over text. It's the text that's made it really serious and probably made her feel scolded

Thank you I completely agree and I’m future I will mention in the moment I just hadn’t wanted to ruin the atmosphere with my boring rules when I knew she was harmless and just thought I was being nice by mentioning it later

OP posts:
Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 26/04/2023 16:19

I deal with my siblings, my wife deals with hers. I wouldn't be pulling up my in-laws or pointing things out to them, I don't see it as my place. whilst I agree with everything you said, I always disagree when people say this. As far as I'm concerned, your child/home/boundaries = your place. I find it easier to set boundaries with my in laws than my husband does, and visa versa.

Original poster
Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 16:20

@youhavenoidea123 i completely agree with this and I do plan on teaching DS the difference between surprises and secrets

i think the key difference is surprises are happy and you do still eventually tell with surprises

OP posts:
Behindtheback · 26/04/2023 16:21

Needed saying op.

I was groomed as a young teenager. It was all great until it wasn’t and by then I couldn’t tell my arse from my elbow.

My dc know that it’s a red flag when an adult tells you not to tell your mum something.

35965a · 26/04/2023 16:21

I have a blanket ‘no secrets’ rule because sometimes, in cases of abuse etc, children don’t fully understand what is happening is bad. So for me it is absolute - no secrets. There are no good or bad secrets, no keeping anything from Mum and Dad. Yes OP was a bit OTT but SIL was entirely in the wrong and to be crying about it is pathetic.

TheSingingBean · 26/04/2023 16:24

Behindtheback · 26/04/2023 16:21

Needed saying op.

I was groomed as a young teenager. It was all great until it wasn’t and by then I couldn’t tell my arse from my elbow.

My dc know that it’s a red flag when an adult tells you not to tell your mum something.

What happened to you is awful, and is exactly why the 'no secrets' principle is one to observe.

But SIL made a joke to the OP - she wasn't saying it to the child. The OP knew it was a joke and still delivered a text-lecture.

Original poster
Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 16:26

Nowdontmakeamess · 26/04/2023 15:02

All these people saying OP is being ridiculous, what are you doing to reduce the 1 in 20 children who are sexually abused in the UK? She’s trying to help her child learn what trusted adults should and shouldn’t do. A simple rule like ‘they shouldn’t ask you to keep secrets’ does no harm to the SIL, but could be vital in keeping the child safe. Preventing abuse is everyone’s job, maybe if we all took it more seriously it wouldn’t be so prevalent and less children would suffer.

@Nowdontmakeamess thank you! I really appreciate this I do feel so overbearing but honestly I know so many adults who have horrible stories about the adults who looked after them

I have a friend who was burned with cigarettes by her babysitter and I think almost every school had that teacher that was very weird and suspect.

im really not paranoid but I know I won’t always be around and my child will meet people at school, clubs, friends parents and I can’t control how those people act but I can try to prepare my DS for the world

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 26/04/2023 16:26

toomuchlaundry · 26/04/2023 16:08

@saltinesandcoffeecups it would be something you tell your child, but also useful for adulst who have regular contact with your child for them to know the rule too, otherwise your child might feel awkward even if it is just about sweets.

That doesn’t make sense either. If Auntie Deloris tells Jr that the candy she’s giving him is a secret and then Jr tells mum…then mum gets to say “Great job sharing that secret with me, yes you can take candy from Auntie D. Just remember to tell me like this time if a grown tells you to keep a secret, even if it’s Auntie D again”

If trusted adults are telling Jr to keep secrets and those are being shared with mum and dad it will become less awkward for Jr.

ScribblingPixie · 26/04/2023 16:27

I’ve had similar conversations with other mum friends and it was a really casual conversation

Then why did you feel the need to send your SIL an instructive text? It really seems like an unnecessary thing to have done - as if you think being a parent gives you the right to patronise her.

Pluvia · 26/04/2023 16:28

OP, you chose to call out your child's auntie, someone who seems to be taking a positive interest in your child, and finger wag at her. You knew she was joking but you got on your high-horse anyway.

To the person who said:
Someone with experience (not necessarily first hand) of CSA. Most perpetrators are male. Female abusers are extremely rare. Alienating a loving and engaged auntie, and possibly someone you later need to call on for baby-sitting and the occasional weekend away, is a stupid, stupid thing to do.

"I don’t suspect her of anything but it’s important that all the adults in my DS life are on the same page and rules are consistent."
You're bonkers. Have you ever been called controlling before? One of the best things you can give your child is a circle of caring friends and relatives who can bring a bit of fun and anarchy into your child's life. I had a lovely bunch of interesting aunts. What your child doesn't need is robots who have to check your list of dos and don'ts before they interact with your child.

Nordicrain · 26/04/2023 16:29

Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 16:26

@Nowdontmakeamess thank you! I really appreciate this I do feel so overbearing but honestly I know so many adults who have horrible stories about the adults who looked after them

I have a friend who was burned with cigarettes by her babysitter and I think almost every school had that teacher that was very weird and suspect.

im really not paranoid but I know I won’t always be around and my child will meet people at school, clubs, friends parents and I can’t control how those people act but I can try to prepare my DS for the world

Show quote history

"I can’t control how those people act but I can try to prepare my DS for the world"

Well exactly, so you need to teach your DS not to accept secrets from you, not your SIL.

Mummyratbag · 26/04/2023 16:29

Ha ha, Aunty X will be paying for your fillings! Actually SIL, these days the advice is not to have secrets as children don't understand the difference good and bad secrets ..said gently at the time..

Text messages can cause misunderstandings at the best of times. I would have felt told off when I was being a doting aunty with that message.

Miriam101 · 26/04/2023 16:29

you sound overly earnest and she sounds overly dramatic

strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 16:30

Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 16:26

@Nowdontmakeamess thank you! I really appreciate this I do feel so overbearing but honestly I know so many adults who have horrible stories about the adults who looked after them

I have a friend who was burned with cigarettes by her babysitter and I think almost every school had that teacher that was very weird and suspect.

im really not paranoid but I know I won’t always be around and my child will meet people at school, clubs, friends parents and I can’t control how those people act but I can try to prepare my DS for the world

Show quote history

Yes and those cases are awful but there's no need to be so patronising to your SIL. She doesn't need a lecture on why, just tell her you don't do secrets but ps thanks for the sweets DC loved them.

PollyPeptide · 26/04/2023 16:31

Instead you have sent a kind hearted, well meaning adult, who loves your child a patronising messaging, insinuating their behaviour could put your DC at risk of abuse. I can absolutely understand why she is upset.

I agree.