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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have made SIL cry

334 replies

Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 13:44

A while ago whilst visiting with SIL she made a joke about giving DS lots of sweets when he comes over and said it’ll be a secret.

completely harmless.
however the next time we spoke (by text) I did just say I know you were joking but just so you know for the future when DS is older we will have a no secret rule and just sent a little information on why we want to have a no secret rule for children.

she then called DH crying saying I’ve offended her…

am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Bonkersworknonsense · 26/04/2023 15:27

God some people cry easily.

Talia99 · 26/04/2023 15:29

So you’re surprised that a loving aunt who has never given any sign of being dangerous to your children is upset at the implication you think she’s sexually grooming them by offering them sweets?

I think most people would be devastated by that sort of accusation if they weren’t guilty and it had never crossed their minds.

VivX · 26/04/2023 15:30

Totally see your point about having no secrets, OP. And your SIL did overreact a bit. On the other hand, it was a somewhat overly-formal way of dealing with something that takes a quick sentence face-to-face when the conversation naturally turns to that sort of subject.

It's done now, just move on.

Swellinyewing · 26/04/2023 15:31

and just sent a little information on why we want to have a no secret rule for children

Unnecessary and patronising. Redic.

SchoolShenanigans · 26/04/2023 15:32

I think you were unreasonable. It was a joke. About sweets. I dont think that's going to make your child conseal any abuse. You took it too literally.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 26/04/2023 15:32

ShirleyPhallus · 26/04/2023 13:53

Totally overbearing

It was. Cringeworthy and precious too. No need for your sister in law to cry though.

You've come across as though nobody else understands 'secrets' where children are concerned. They do.

Your child will be keeping secrets from you, don't be under any illusion about that. Better that you instil on them the 'secrets' that must never be kept rather than this really silly example.

BellePeppa · 26/04/2023 15:35

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 26/04/2023 13:54

It’s fine, but good luck with that when he’s a teenager.

There’s a difference though between a teenager ‘choosing’ to keep secrets and young children being instructed to keep a secret. I’m not saying that’s this case but it obviously does happen in more sinister circumstances.

Greentree1 · 26/04/2023 15:37

I remember the reverse when a friend told her DD not to tell tales when she was wanting to talk about something happening at school (I guessed bullying) by what she was starting to say. I was quite shocked that she didn't want to know and telling her DD to not tell seemed to be echoing what a bully or a pedo' would say.

BiscuitsBiscuitsEverywhere · 26/04/2023 15:37

I don’t suspect her of anything but it’s important that all the adults in my DS life are on the same page and rules are consistent.

Well, that won't happen. Your child will encounter many adults (teachers, coaches, childminders, friends' parents, etc.) who will have entirely different rules.

I see nothing wrong with casually mentioning that you don't want your child to keep secrets from you (though good luck with that one -- even young children keep secrets from their parents). But IMO your reaction was officious and OTT.

Lolaandbehold · 26/04/2023 15:42

YANBU, the safety of my DC will always usurp the feelings of my SIL or any other adult for that matter.

CurlewKate · 26/04/2023 15:43

"Let's go and buy Mummy a birthday present-but shh, it's a secret."

I understand why people talk about "no secrets" but I honestly don't see how it can possibly work in real life.

And I might very well think you were concerned about my motives if I was your SIL.

Lcb123 · 26/04/2023 15:47

You're both being unreasonable and overreacted. You've turned something light hearted into implying she'll be doing something bad that will be a secret

charlie10k · 26/04/2023 15:48

I could bang your heads together Megan.

SandLResources · 26/04/2023 15:49

For those who say it's "daft", an abuser can start with sweets and other inane things being the secret...trust me.

Of course I'm not saying Aunty is an abuser but children can't distinguish which adults they can and can't have secrets with so make it a flat rule. From experience, this is what I did with mine.

Julietand · 26/04/2023 15:50

You were melodramatic and made a joke into something awkward and weird. YABU

Boughtitdownthemarket · 26/04/2023 15:54

I think you're taking it a bit too seriously. It was a joke about sweets.

lunaloveroo · 26/04/2023 15:58

I think you were pedantic and overbearing. The blanket no secret rule is not realistic either in life. Better to have more nuance, for example happy/ sad secrets, safe/ scary etc. like for Mother's Day my dh took dc to a hand print place and told her to keep it a secret. It was a lovely surprise.

ArseMenagerie · 26/04/2023 15:59

It’s not about secrets.
some secrets are nice:
birthday presents
surprises
sweets with an auntie

Teach your son about things that make him uncomfortable and how whatever the secret he is ok to tell you or his dad if he is worried about it.

You really sound overconfident about child rearing and that no one else will get it. But actually you need to let your child experience all kinds of different views and opinions and methods and it’s about empowering him to be discerning and have boundaries about what makes him uncomfortable and not about blanket rules.

HyacinthBookay · 26/04/2023 16:00

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 26/04/2023 15:32

It was. Cringeworthy and precious too. No need for your sister in law to cry though.

You've come across as though nobody else understands 'secrets' where children are concerned. They do.

Your child will be keeping secrets from you, don't be under any illusion about that. Better that you instil on them the 'secrets' that must never be kept rather than this really silly example.

Show quote history

I would have been just as upset as SIL. Especially in this day and age. I would have been so embarrassed if someone made a mental leap from my innocent joke to sending me serious information about no-secrets rules. And for a child I love? I would be devastated. You really must apologise

Yarboosucks · 26/04/2023 16:01

My ds is 23 now.... We have a very open and honest relationship even now based on our no secrets rule. He knows that he can tell me anything and I will help him to handle/manage it.

That rule, to be effective, must be absolute. Children cannot expect to differentiate between a nice secret with loving, kind Aunty X is ok but a dodgy secret with an Uncle/cousin/neighbour etc is not. So the answer to your SIL is that she falls in to the trusted sub-set of family who know about the secret rule. On that basis, she should feel pleased.

Puppylucky · 26/04/2023 16:02

StupidFaces · 26/04/2023 14:03

SIL sounds like a cry baby and a massive attention seeker. Imagine crying over something like this? Worst case scenario is you feel a bit pissed off but crying?? I’d tell her to grow the fuck up and tell her the crying made you laugh

Would you really say her crying made you laugh? Why?

saltinesandcoffeecups · 26/04/2023 16:04

I read most of the thread…but isn’t the ‘no secrets rule’ something you enforce with your own kid and not all the adults they interact with?

I mean isn’t that the point of the rule. In other words it’s the “Jr doesn’t keep secrets from mum and dad rule” not the “I’m going to stop every adult in Jr’s life from telling them to keep a secret “

toomuchlaundry · 26/04/2023 16:07

@BiscuitsBiscuitsEverywhere I would have a huge issue with a teacher, coach, childminder or similar person telling my child to keep something secret from me, no matter how innocuous. They would have had safeguarding training that tells them that this is a big no. You should never tell a child to keep something secret from a trusted adult. Like others have said you can tell them a present for mum is a surprise for her so we don't tell her about it until her birthday, but no-one should tell you to keep it secret.

HyacinthBookay · 26/04/2023 16:07

Yarboosucks · 26/04/2023 16:01

My ds is 23 now.... We have a very open and honest relationship even now based on our no secrets rule. He knows that he can tell me anything and I will help him to handle/manage it.

That rule, to be effective, must be absolute. Children cannot expect to differentiate between a nice secret with loving, kind Aunty X is ok but a dodgy secret with an Uncle/cousin/neighbour etc is not. So the answer to your SIL is that she falls in to the trusted sub-set of family who know about the secret rule. On that basis, she should feel pleased.

i don’t understand what you’re saying. OP does not say that auntie is one of the trusted people dc should report to with any secrets they have been asked to keep. Her text could be seen as a reprimand to SIL for her sweets-in-secret joke.

toomuchlaundry · 26/04/2023 16:08

@saltinesandcoffeecups it would be something you tell your child, but also useful for adulst who have regular contact with your child for them to know the rule too, otherwise your child might feel awkward even if it is just about sweets.