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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have made SIL cry

334 replies

Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 13:44

A while ago whilst visiting with SIL she made a joke about giving DS lots of sweets when he comes over and said it’ll be a secret.

completely harmless.
however the next time we spoke (by text) I did just say I know you were joking but just so you know for the future when DS is older we will have a no secret rule and just sent a little information on why we want to have a no secret rule for children.

she then called DH crying saying I’ve offended her…

am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Colourmylifewith · 28/04/2023 18:40

Kiwisarenotjustfruit · 28/04/2023 08:58

But the child was right there. Yes, I know the child seems to be a baby but babies and toddlers language comprehension skills are always much more advanced than there speaking skills. So although on this one occasion the concept of secrets probably went over the child’s head, it really won’t be very long until they start to build up a concept of what the word means. OP is just trying to get SIL onside ahead of time so that she can be the trusted adult supporting this important message and not a confusing adult who the child likes and trusts but who goes against what Mummy and Daddy say about secrets. If OP didn’t like or respect her SIL, she wouldn’t have bothered trying to explain to her why she wants a no secrets rule in place. She would just mentally remove SIL from the trusted adults list. All these people saying OP is ridiculous and has damaged her child’s relationship with their aunty have it backwards. Someone who can’t listen to their nephew’s parents about parenting decisions that are important to them is not going to be trusted to babysit and develop a relationship with the child away from their parents.

Show quote history

Are you for real?

T1Dmama · 29/04/2023 15:12

I find it totally disrespectful of anyone to ask a child to keep something from a parent.
My rule would be ‘if it needs to be a secret from me then you shouldn’t be doing it!’
simple really…..
I think when she ‘joked’ about it.. you should’ve ‘joked’ back immediately that if something needs to be a secret from Mummy or Daddy then it shouldn’t be happening!

T1Dmama · 29/04/2023 15:18

@Kiwisarenotjustfruit 100% agree with you.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 29/04/2023 15:35

Scotlandma · 27/04/2023 22:12

@FangedFrisbee yes because I don’t agree. I actually did reply to comments about the way I told her and admitted that although I meant no harm I’ll take comments on board.

but I’m not apologizing because I don’t care. Safe guarding my child is more important to me my DP agrees with me and I’m my child mum and I make the decisions to parent him and keep him safe in the way I believe is best.

one day if SIL has children I will respect her rules for her children she doesn’t have to have a no secrets rule and whether I agree with any of her rules won’t matter as it’s her child and I’ll respect her decisions so in the meantime I expect the same.

Show quote history

Safeguarding 😂

hugefanofcheese · 30/04/2023 07:12

Neopolitan · 28/04/2023 10:14

YANBU OP, your SIL completely overreacted. If you can be a bit blunt at times, and I am too, then if she knows you she should be used to it and decipher the message you are making, not worry about the tone so much. Don't feel bad, you didn't do anything wrong. She overreacted to what was a general message, don't let her make you feel bad, she is the one with the problem and I hope she won't cause trouble for you by putting on the waterworks to manipulate your DP.

No, if you are 'blunt' which in the OP's case means tactless and overbearing then it is not other people's responsibility to absorb whatever you throw at them and protect you from any emotional response they may have. Also why would you jump from someone being upset to them being manipulative?

MRex · 30/04/2023 07:25

The message about not keeping secrets isn't "except if someone else tells you to"! Your clarity with your child is that nothing they ever do will stop you loving them, and they can tell you or Daddy everything good or bad or confusing, even if others tell them not to. And that if they are worried but not with you, they can ask a teacher or police officer or even another mum for help too.

Reasonableadjustments · 30/04/2023 07:37

You should've just spoken to her at the time.

Your text would've got my back right up too.

Neopolitan · 30/04/2023 09:02

hugefanofcheese · 30/04/2023 07:12

No, if you are 'blunt' which in the OP's case means tactless and overbearing then it is not other people's responsibility to absorb whatever you throw at them and protect you from any emotional response they may have. Also why would you jump from someone being upset to them being manipulative?

Show quote history

Some women cry to emotionally manipulate and get their way, that's all I meant.

coeurnoir · 30/04/2023 13:14

toomuchlaundry · 27/04/2023 22:40

@coeurnoir abusers can start with giving sweets to children and tell them not to tell parents as it is their little secret and once they see children not passing on that secret, can then start building up their behaviour. That is why it is not a good idea to use it as a joke

Please don't patronise me. I've been a parent to young children, then to teenagers and now to adults. I've worked as a teacher and have a sibling who works in child protection and my husband is a Headteacher.
I know what abusers tell children.
I also know the difference between a joke said in front of parents and a secret to start grooming.
More importantly so do my children.

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