Page 2 | To have made SIL cry

JudgeRudy · 26/04/2023 14:01

If I really felt the need to address the 'secrets policy' I'd have mentioned it there and then but you didn't. You stewed over it and sent a business like text. OTT
Your SIL read it and cried. OTT

Vodkaislethal · 26/04/2023 14:03

So you not like each other or something. All sounds a bit dramatic and mean girls to me. Do you have jobs?something else to focus on?

StupidFaces · 26/04/2023 14:03

SIL sounds like a cry baby and a massive attention seeker. Imagine crying over something like this? Worst case scenario is you feel a bit pissed off but crying?? I’d tell her to grow the fuck up and tell her the crying made you laugh

Nordicrain · 26/04/2023 14:04

Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 13:54

I don’t suspect her of anything but it’s important that all the adults in my DS life are on the same page and rules are consistent.

I didn’t want to not say anything and then in a years time or 2 years suddenly say this is a rule it was more of an fyi

I’ve had similar conversations with other mum friends and it was a really casual conversation like obviously.

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"I don’t suspect her of anything but it’s important that all the adults in my DS life are on the same page and rules are consistent."

Well this is your mistake. You cannot possible have everyone on the same page and control all the adult inputs your child gets. Espeically when they go to school or childare. On the big things, sure, but something like this you need to prepare yourself and your child for people not always being on exactly the same page.

And if you made her cry I'd assume you aren't as "casual" as you think you are with these conversations.

JenniferBarkley · 26/04/2023 14:04

You have really really overreacted here OP. I would be very upset or angry in your SIL's shoes.

Kiwisarenotjustfruit · 26/04/2023 14:06

Yeah, when she’s calmed down you can have another conversation about it.
I’d go with telling her it’s so important that she backs you up with the no secrets thing BECAUSE she’s an adult your child knows and trusts. And that you hope she’ll be one of the trusted adults your child feels they can tell about anything worrying.
Do you do the secrets = bad, surprises = good thing? Cause she could get in on that too. Like getting a surprise present/card for her brother/your husband or something, or helping with a surprise cake for grandma’s birthday or whatever.

Redebs · 26/04/2023 14:06

A no secrets rule is reasonable. It sets the tone for kids on how they can expect adults to behave.

Same with consent touching; if a kid tells you to stop tickling them or playing rough, you have to be ready to immediately 'hands off'.

GoldenCagedBird · 26/04/2023 14:06

You basically compared her sneaky sweets to child sex abuse and I can completely see why a highly strung or anxious person would be upset about that

Secondwindplease · 26/04/2023 14:07

Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 13:50

It’s not really daft to have a no secrets rule… it’s one of the most basic way to protect our child when we’re not there.

as @StupidFaces said they were made to keep a bad secret as a child it’s not a rare thing and its unfortunately likely at some point my child may come across an unsafe adult.

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It’s daft to raise it the way she did, after the event, by text, with supporting info, when by her own admission it was ‘completely harmless’.

Honestly, being in the orbit of other people’s children these days seems hardly worth the drama.

PuddlesPityParty · 26/04/2023 14:08

You’ve obviously gone in heavy handed and she’s read your message as an accusation of something.

Pinkdelight3 · 26/04/2023 14:08

just so you know for the future when DS is older we will have a no secret rule and just sent a little information on why we want to have a no secret rule for children.

I don't see why you had to say any of this to her. Have a no secret rule for DS by all means, but that's between you and him, that's the point of it surely. You don't have to tell everyone else about it, and indeed, if a grooming paedo wanted to DS him to keep something secret, then sending said paedo your info on no secret rule would make no difference to the paedo. The only person who you need to talk to about the rule is DS. By informing SIL, you achieve nothing except making her feel like she did something bad, when she was clearly being a fun aunt and is (presumably) in no danger of doing nefarious things to DS and trying to make him keep it a secret. SIL over-reacted by crying but maybe you have an upsetting manner and this made her feel like shit for being nice.

MaryShelley1818 · 26/04/2023 14:11

You massively overreacted and were patronising and rude.
I agree with you about no secrets - I'm a safeguarding SW, but sending unsolicited preachy texts is ott especially as you said you knew she was joking. Just briefly mention it at the time.
I educate my child, I don't educate every adult who'll walk into their life, that's impossible.

TidyDancer · 26/04/2023 14:11

Your response made me cringe tbh. She was clearly joking as you yourself have acknowledged so I don't know why you felt the need to say anything. It was silly. And if you know you're a blunt person anyway, I think you've got your answer as to how you've upset her.

Be the bigger person here and apologise. She's sensitive and you're blunt, it's easier for you to put this right than let it fester.

Vodkaislethal · 26/04/2023 14:11

I can’t believe you took something so innocuous as secret sweets and not only said no secret rule but then sent her info. I mean who does that. 😂

Kiwisarenotjustfruit · 26/04/2023 14:12

Pinkdelight3 · 26/04/2023 14:08

just so you know for the future when DS is older we will have a no secret rule and just sent a little information on why we want to have a no secret rule for children.

I don't see why you had to say any of this to her. Have a no secret rule for DS by all means, but that's between you and him, that's the point of it surely. You don't have to tell everyone else about it, and indeed, if a grooming paedo wanted to DS him to keep something secret, then sending said paedo your info on no secret rule would make no difference to the paedo. The only person who you need to talk to about the rule is DS. By informing SIL, you achieve nothing except making her feel like she did something bad, when she was clearly being a fun aunt and is (presumably) in no danger of doing nefarious things to DS and trying to make him keep it a secret. SIL over-reacted by crying but maybe you have an upsetting manner and this made her feel like shit for being nice.

It might actually make a difference. The grooming paedo is likely to pick a different victim who is less likely to go off and immediately tell mum and dad.

maddy68 · 26/04/2023 14:13

Hay a massive over reaction from both of you.

Kiwisarenotjustfruit · 26/04/2023 14:14

Vodkaislethal · 26/04/2023 14:11

I can’t believe you took something so innocuous as secret sweets and not only said no secret rule but then sent her info. I mean who does that. 😂

Someone with experience (not necessarily first hand) of CSA.

MyopicBunny · 26/04/2023 14:14

Crying about it was over the top from her. You don't sound as if you were being unkind. The problem with texting is that the intent can get lost.

Topseyt123 · 26/04/2023 14:15

What a pair of drama llamas the pair of you are.

iyzzz · 26/04/2023 14:15

Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 13:59

That’s fair enough I personally thought I was being nice but admittedly naturally I am a blunt person

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Yeah, I think she is overreacting by calling up your brother about it but tbh I would be a bit hurt if I got something like this from my niece's/godchildren's parents.

Not clear from your post whether your SIL has children. I'm not a parent and can naturally feel a bit unsure in my interactions with the children in my life. Of course I would absolutely want to be corrected if anything I had actually done was likely to cause harm/was a real issue for a parent. But I think receiving a text message after the fact about a silly joke I had made would add to my uncertainty/sense of being judged.

MyopicBunny · 26/04/2023 14:17

I don't think the OP is being unreasonable. Most abuse of a child is done to them by a relative or friend of the family. Abusers don't have a sticker on them so you can tell who they are.

WinterofOurDiscountTentz · 26/04/2023 14:18

"I don’t suspect her of anything but it’s important that all the adults in my DS life are on the same page and rules are consistent.

That's never going to happen. Do yourself a favour and realise that now

Crazycrazylady · 26/04/2023 14:18

Hugasauras · 26/04/2023 13:55

Very OTT and heavy-handed IMO especially with sending her information to read! Raise it in the future if it's ever actually an issue and not just a jokey comment that you admit was 'harmless'. Surely it's more about teaching it to your child anyway?

Totally agree

Not sure why the op posted here though as they're clearly 100% convinced they were correct.

Valour · 26/04/2023 14:18

I agree with a no secrets rule, but to send her information on what is presumably upsetting stuff is ridiculous. I'd have been upset too.
Can you post a link to the info you sent?

youhavenoidea123 · 26/04/2023 14:20

@Scotlandma so when your DC purchase birthday or Xmas presents for their dad, you will not encourage them to keep the present a secret so it's a surprise?

I personally think it's important to reach DC the difference between good/positive secrets and those that make them feel bad/upset or uncomfortable.