Family member has planned 2nd wedding to coincide with our baby's 1st birthday.

[saythatagaintome]

I'm trying to be the bigger person, and was doing so well at it until my husband suggested we celebrate our first child's FIRST birthday on another day. I basically said that wasn't happening. I told him HE can chose to attend the wedding and skip out on our baby's First if that is what HE choses to do. For his sake I hope the times don't coincide.

I am planning her bday as an open house type of party, where friends can pop by in the late am for tea, and then meet us at a nearby beach for late lunch. I was planning on taking that day to celebrate our baby and us for making it through the first year, alive and well.

The couple in question eloped some months back. They are generally secretive people, and seem to like to keep family members at arms length. We wouldn't have even known that they had been planning to marry had my husband not asked them.
To be fair, we don't have much details other than the fact that they have chosen that day to celebrate their union.

They just sent the family thread a text asking us to "save the date." I know I don't own that date, I'm just peeved my husband seems to think that we should celebrate this very important milestone on a different day, when it's been known for weeks that we are planning a small party to celebrate her 1st as well as our first year as parents (and before you say "first bdays are for the parents", yes you're correct! it's OUR First).

Some context: this family member (middle son) is a sibling to my husband (who's the younger son, and boycotted our wedding some years back. My husband and I are a mixed race couple and I have always felt that he hasn't ever valued me as a person. I mention the race dynamic because it very much was relevant at the time.

We (BIL and I) aren't close at all, but are very civil with one another. He and my husband have a relationship, but it's taken many years of repair (we were extremely hurt over the wedding situation, which lead to years of not talking to one another).

AIBU? to be peeved that they've chosen this day? More so, AIBU to be upset at my husband for suggestion that our baby's First bday isn't as big of a deal, and should be planned AROUND family members 2nd wedding celebration?

and re the family thread text that was sent to everyone: No one replied to it, when they shared the date. My MIL also mentioned to my husband this am "They planned their wedding celebration on the baby's first bday---"

I'm going to remain stoic, but I do plan on moving forward with planning the day I'm envisioning. And as I wrote previously, hopefully the times don't clash for my husbands sake.

I get how you feel because it's the baby's 1st birthday. You bil is already married as he eloped, so it isn't a wedding but a party right? I would message back saying, sorry we can't make that date as we're having baby's 1st birthday party that day. However be prepared that many from that side of the family, might not come. If you feel that you can still run the party without that side, then go ahead.

OK. 2 separate things. 1. They are racist.

1. No one likes baby parties. .no one even knows your baby's birthday except your very very close family.

Wedding > birthday

You also said he’s always civil. You also said you’re a mixed race couple, so surely that means your BIL is also mixed race?

I think Op meant she’s in an inter-racial marriage but yes the way it’s worded could also mean her husband is mixed race which apparently isn’t the case judging from rest of her posts.

OP,I’m glad there’s not going to be a clash after all but personally I am uncomfortable your husband would continue a close relationship with his racist brother and consider prioritising any of their events over your family events . You say he’s educated himself etc but I think he needs to do more work to see that minimising racism and giving racist family/friends a pass is literally a central reason why racism lives on. (Especially in America if that’s where you are)

It’s not “kindness” it’s quietly enabling a racist, and it basically means deep down racism doesn’t shock him as much as it should hence he can continue this relationship.

I know many people who have racists in their family, but few if any would be so extreme to be a no-show for their siblings wedding to a POC. This is more than some “bias” as your BIL describes it. My white friends would have little if anything to do with an immediate family member if they were racist to that extreme.

For the person who questioned how one sibling can be racist, I can totally believe one sibling is overtly racist and others aren’t - it happens a lot. And not saying OP’s husband is racist but marrying a POC doesn’t necessarily mean someone is NOT racist anyway.

I wouldn't care and work just celebrate it another day but you're entitled to your feelings.

I know my goddaughters birthday and all her siblings birthdays too. As well as a few of my other close friends kids birthdays.
I don’t know how many nieces the BIL has but considering this one is only little and was recently born I’d expect him to know. and if he doesn’t, considering his self confessed prejudice and history of treating non-white family members poorly it’s even more disappointing.

Apparently there will be no clash anyway but
it will be hard for Op to be close to someone who is racist and still “working through bias” as he calls it. Sounds like it will be hard for BIL too since he couldn’t even bring himself to attend the wedding.

You think an evening costume and cocktails party isn't fancy? What do you think is fancy then?

OP probably meant ‘interracial couple’ as in her DH is a different race to OP. This isn’t a wedding and the BIL is racist so I don’t blame OP for not wanting to go, especially when the party is on the same day as her baby’s first birthday.

So both can happen. Theirs starts at 4 going into evening

Yours is lunchtime /afternoon

Are they popping into the 1st birthday party or not coming at all

Same with our family even if it's just a meal out now they're older. They would at least know the month the baby was born. The grandparents want a celebration so obviously know the date. They could have checked with them.

Nasty, @Liorae !

I thought the same. Just unnecessary.