Family member has planned 2nd wedding to coincide with our baby's 1st birthday.

[saythatagaintome]

I'm trying to be the bigger person, and was doing so well at it until my husband suggested we celebrate our first child's FIRST birthday on another day. I basically said that wasn't happening. I told him HE can chose to attend the wedding and skip out on our baby's First if that is what HE choses to do. For his sake I hope the times don't coincide.

I am planning her bday as an open house type of party, where friends can pop by in the late am for tea, and then meet us at a nearby beach for late lunch. I was planning on taking that day to celebrate our baby and us for making it through the first year, alive and well.

The couple in question eloped some months back. They are generally secretive people, and seem to like to keep family members at arms length. We wouldn't have even known that they had been planning to marry had my husband not asked them.
To be fair, we don't have much details other than the fact that they have chosen that day to celebrate their union.

They just sent the family thread a text asking us to "save the date." I know I don't own that date, I'm just peeved my husband seems to think that we should celebrate this very important milestone on a different day, when it's been known for weeks that we are planning a small party to celebrate her 1st as well as our first year as parents (and before you say "first bdays are for the parents", yes you're correct! it's OUR First).

Some context: this family member (middle son) is a sibling to my husband (who's the younger son, and boycotted our wedding some years back. My husband and I are a mixed race couple and I have always felt that he hasn't ever valued me as a person. I mention the race dynamic because it very much was relevant at the time.

We (BIL and I) aren't close at all, but are very civil with one another. He and my husband have a relationship, but it's taken many years of repair (we were extremely hurt over the wedding situation, which lead to years of not talking to one another).

AIBU? to be peeved that they've chosen this day? More so, AIBU to be upset at my husband for suggestion that our baby's First bday isn't as big of a deal, and should be planned AROUND family members 2nd wedding celebration?

and re the family thread text that was sent to everyone: No one replied to it, when they shared the date. My MIL also mentioned to my husband this am "They planned their wedding celebration on the baby's first bday---"

I'm going to remain stoic, but I do plan on moving forward with planning the day I'm envisioning. And as I wrote previously, hopefully the times don't clash for my husbands sake.

Your BIL sounds like a dick and I wouldn’t blame you for wanting to swerve his wedding no matter the circumstances…but I think you are being overly harsh to your DH. I’m not sure him suggesting moving the party to a different day equates to not considering your DDs birthday a big deal. I’d probably try and change the party date to help DH out, unless you really feel strongly enough to make this your hill to die on. Equally, I don’t think you should bend over backwards to go to the wedding yourself given how they have treated you in the past. Childcare issues is a completely valid excuse.

What'd the time line here? Was today's text the first mention? And how long till the date?

@Whatthefnow what a boring, predictable, completely misses the point of the thread response
Yes of course the baby won’t know but the OP will. This is about the OP wanting the focus of her baby’s 1st birthday to be her baby’s first birthday, which is not unreasonable. Its quite rightly a special day to the OP

My gosh - it’s almost like these peoples life’s (that you have very little to do with) don’t revolve around you 🤣

Is this a weekend day? If LO was 1 on a Thursday would you still refuse to celebrate on another day.

This isn’t about your baby, they have no idea what’s going on. You’re making your babies bday about you, you’re not a victim here, neither is your baby, stop being so silly and self centred.

I rarely celebrate birthdays with family/friends on the actual day.

It was my birthday last week and me and my DC has a takeaway but I celebrated with family/friends on the weekend.
My DD’s will also be similar.

I understand why you are upset and if you’ve already sent out invitations then you can can’t your child’s birthday just to please your BIL.

But if you’ve not sent invites out then I’d celebrate with just your little family on your baby’s actual birthday and then have the party on the following day because most people will be going to theirs.

I’ve just celebrated my babies first birthday, it was an emotional few days for me as I felt like it was a huge milestone for myself and my husband. Her birthday was during the working week so we didn’t really do anything on the day and had a house party at the weekend when we could celebrate with family and friends. I loved this as it felt special to have it over a few days. Her actual birthday was intimate just the three of us and j liked having that to myself .

Yes the first birthday is more for the parents but that’s the point of it.

Id go ahead with their wedding and be the bigger person and attend but I’d also be a little bit bitter and dress my baby in a one T-shirt/ dress and make a point of it being your babies birthdah too. I would even ask my dh to suggest a mini birthday cake so a shared occasion.

It’s entirely up to you if you attend or not but try not let this get between you and your dh. Don’t start a family argument over this and expect people to choose between their wedding and the first birthday party as it makes everything very awkward and you might find less people would attend the birthday party.

Of course YABU. The fact that your BIL is possibly a racist twunt is a separate issue.

You are being ridiculous. No one cares about your child's first birthday. Even your child doesn't!

I'd assume it was an accidental clash. That said, I think my first child's first birthday would trump a marriage celebration, and I would politely decline. Let everyone else do as they will.

are they not just having an evening do if they've already eloped?

I would have expected your husband to reply straight away to the group chat that it's your baby's first Birthday which you have already made arrangements for.

I'm a little more devious than you. Weddings are often in the afternoon - so I would organise the party for the morning so all the wedding guests mention the party at the event. To be fair they may have not done this deliberately, but if they have having everyone mention the 1st birthday bonzana at their wedding might irk them a little.

You are being ridiculously unreasonable and even more unreasonable for acting like celebrating a FIRST birthday on another day is such an issue. How would you have a party in the ‘late am’ if the birthday was a Tuesday?

If the wedding is a Saturday have the birthday party on the Sunday and vice versa. Don’t cause a massive drama where there doesn’t need to be.
Your baby’s birthday isn’t the centre of the universe, I’m sure they had no clue when the birthday was when booking the wedding party.

Hmmmm I think you do sound very OTT op sorry. Your baby will have no idea. And first birthdays really aren't that important.

BIL however also sounds racist and awful.

If you go ahead as planned you will exclude DHs family who will presumably go to wedding.

In your shoes I'd do something with my family on the actual birthday day, DH can go to the wedding and then have a separate celebration for MIL etc.

Ordinarily I'm in this camp too although the racist behaviour does change things. How can your DH even tolerate being in the same room as him if he's racist to you (& presumably will be to your child also)?

"and re the family thread text that was sent to everyone: No one replied to it, when they shared the date. My MIL also mentioned to my husband this am "They planned their wedding celebration on the baby's first bday---""

See this reads to me as if the MIL was just commenting that the wedding happened to be on the day of the baby's first birthday, not that they deliberately planned it for that date specifically because it was the baby's first birthday. But it depends on the exact phrasing I guess.

Why did your BIL boycott the wedding? There is obviously not a good relationship between the two of you and probably for good reason.

I do think you're being a bit too precious about the party and it's absolutely fine to celebrate on a different day if necessary or more convenient. But there's obviously a difficult dynamic in the family anyway so maybe it's best if you don't go to the wedding and your DH goes alone.

I agree with this. Except the point about it being unreasonable to expect relatives to know when a child's birthday is. Surely most people know when their niece/nephew's birthdays are?

I agree with your first and last point though.

Why are you implying that your BIL was racist towards you without outright saying it? Is this some kind of Harry and Meghan wind-up?

ESH, as they say.

It doesn’t matter that the baby won’t remember. Like other people said, it’s a first birthday, it’s for the parents. It was important to me, it’s important to other people, and it’s important to OP.

My OH’s brother knows when my son’s birthday is. OH’s uncles and cousins know too. I don’t believe for a second that BIL didn’t know it was his neice’s birthday. I would struggle to think it wasn’t intentional to take the shine off the day. Don’t let them, OP. Enjoy your party xx

I imagine he has never said to OP "I don't like you because you're X", but will have made enough sly digs and comments hinting at it so she gets the picture. Meghan Markle isn't the only person in a mixed race couple to suffer racism...

YANBU OP, even if it wasn't your daughter's first birthday, I'd be looking for a reason to avoid this awful man's wedding. Racist, boycotted yours, nasty behaviour... Doesn't sound like someone I'd me more than civil with at arm's length (and he would only get civil due to being a closely-related family member).

This. If they've been invited to the party but didn't mention the wedding and sprung the date afterwards then YANBU. If nothing has been mentioned to them about the party then YABU.
Unless they're close to you and the baby (which it doesn't sound like they are) would they honestly have realised your baby's birthday? I doubt my DH would remember our nephews birthday without looking at the calendar and we're his godparents!

On it's own is the exact date for birthday celebration totally irrelevant.

Especially with bit bigger families, there might be months when there is someone who has birthday every week.

Not sure whether your family dynamics is so broken that you have to dig your heals about it. If you feel you have to, you have to.

Did you read the whole post?

Dh is fairly fond of his dn, but I doubt he remembers any of their birthdays without the prompt on outlook calendar a week beforehand so he can remember to send a card.
I wouldn't assume it was done on purpose if they're not close.