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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family member has planned 2nd wedding to coincide with our baby's 1st birthday.

212 replies

saythatagaintome · 25/04/2023 19:16

I'm trying to be the bigger person, and was doing so well at it until my husband suggested we celebrate our first child's FIRST birthday on another day. I basically said that wasn't happening. I told him HE can chose to attend the wedding and skip out on our baby's First if that is what HE choses to do. For his sake I hope the times don't coincide.

I am planning her bday as an open house type of party, where friends can pop by in the late am for tea, and then meet us at a nearby beach for late lunch. I was planning on taking that day to celebrate our baby and us for making it through the first year, alive and well.

The couple in question eloped some months back. They are generally secretive people, and seem to like to keep family members at arms length. We wouldn't have even known that they had been planning to marry had my husband not asked them.
To be fair, we don't have much details other than the fact that they have chosen that day to celebrate their union.

They just sent the family thread a text asking us to "save the date." I know I don't own that date, I'm just peeved my husband seems to think that we should celebrate this very important milestone on a different day, when it's been known for weeks that we are planning a small party to celebrate her 1st as well as our first year as parents (and before you say "first bdays are for the parents", yes you're correct! it's OUR First).

Some context: this family member (middle son) is a sibling to my husband (who's the younger son, and boycotted our wedding some years back. My husband and I are a mixed race couple and I have always felt that he hasn't ever valued me as a person. I mention the race dynamic because it very much was relevant at the time.

We (BIL and I) aren't close at all, but are very civil with one another. He and my husband have a relationship, but it's taken many years of repair (we were extremely hurt over the wedding situation, which lead to years of not talking to one another).

AIBU? to be peeved that they've chosen this day? More so, AIBU to be upset at my husband for suggestion that our baby's First bday isn't as big of a deal, and should be planned AROUND family members 2nd wedding celebration?

and re the family thread text that was sent to everyone: No one replied to it, when they shared the date. My MIL also mentioned to my husband this am "They planned their wedding celebration on the baby's first bday---"

I'm going to remain stoic, but I do plan on moving forward with planning the day I'm envisioning. And as I wrote previously, hopefully the times don't clash for my husbands sake.

OP posts:
GloomySkies · 25/04/2023 19:17

I was going to say that you're unreasonable but then I read it all and they're clearly doing it on purpose because they're racist fucks.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 25/04/2023 19:19

GloomySkies · 25/04/2023 19:17

I was going to say that you're unreasonable but then I read it all and they're clearly doing it on purpose because they're racist fucks.

This.

Yanbu.

Whatthefnow · 25/04/2023 19:19

Your baby won't have a clue what's going on op.

PermanentTemporary · 25/04/2023 19:19

Sorry I'm in the YABU camp. I wouldn't have a clue when most birthdays of other people's children were and I usually moved ds's actual parties to the weekends for celebrations. I would think you were a bit less unreasonable for an older child who actually knows what the day is, but tbh children just accept what happens as normal - 'it's your birthday on Tuesday and you'll have a party on Saturday! Woohoo!'

If you want to go, go. If you don't, don't. Move the party.

itsmylife7 · 25/04/2023 19:19

Are you implying your brother in law is racist towards you ?

purpleboy · 25/04/2023 19:20

Sounds as if race plays a big part in this.
I certainly wouldn't be changing plans to suit them, DH is in a hard situation with it being his brother, however ultimately you are his wife and this is his child, you should come first.
The extended family are also in a tricky situation.

GoodChat · 25/04/2023 19:20

Given the history, YANBU. He's clearly a dickhead.

What's your husbands relationship with his brother like? How far from home is the wedding?

It seems strange to send a Save The Date for what sounds like a pretty close event.

HowManySunflowers · 25/04/2023 19:21

They sound awful OP. Definitely don't go and carry I. With your plans.

CoozudBoyuPuak · 25/04/2023 19:22

Your DH can cheerily text back "sorry can't save the date - already been saved by (baby's name) being born on that date last year so we already have plans. Have a great day."

It's not even their wedding day. Fuck them you don't need to spend any further emotional energy on them. It's an invitation not a summons.

Movinghousehelp · 25/04/2023 19:24

I think you’re being a bit OTT in the way you are describing the importance of your baby’s birthday - it really isn’t that big a deal to anyone but you. I presume it has happened to fall on a weekend day, if it hadn’t you’d have probably celebrated on a different day?

Having said that I don’t doubt that your BIL is a dick head from what you have said here. So YABU and YANBU.

L1ttledrummergirl · 25/04/2023 19:26

I'd just reply saying sorry, but I already have plans to celebrate dc birthday and include your plans in the email.
No emotion, just facts. Everyone else can decide where they want to be at different times.

Curseofthenation · 25/04/2023 19:27

Nah, I wouldn't bother going unless it was an evening event and my parents could babysit. I would continue with the birthday plans and maybe invite my in-laws over the next day for a slice of cake as they may be a little sad to miss out.

TomatoSandwiches · 25/04/2023 19:27

With the history YADNBU they sounds disgusting and I wouldn't entertain accommodating them at all.
You would think if they were genuinely trying to make the relationship good they would absolutely not do this just to be certain to not offend.

EggInANest · 25/04/2023 19:28

You do not need all day to celebrate your child's birthday with other people.

I can see that the BIL is not a nice or reasonable person, but your DH can still conduct himself as a reasonable person. i.e call and speak to BIL, congratulate him, and say 'date saved, can you please tell me what you are planning? Will it be an evening event such as dinner? or afternoon?'. These are reasonable and normal questions to ask around family events so that you can consider babysitters etc.

Then plan a lovely birthday celebration that means you can do both. Or if the wedding celebration is all day, plan to attend the first or last bit.

Best not to escalate this into a full on family feud and stand off. Presumably your ILs would like to celebrate both occasions?

WeWereInParis · 25/04/2023 19:29

Generally, I think you are being unreasonable to be this bothered about a baby's first birthday. The day you have planned sounds lovely, but presumably if the birthday had fallen on a weekday you'd have had to do it on a different day at the weekend anyway, to allow people to come. Birthdays get celebrated on different days all the time.

However, I wouldn't be going to this wedding regardless of the birthday. You say your BIL "boycotted" your wedding - was that because of your race? I wouldn't go to his wedding and tbh I'd make it clear it was because I wanted nothing to do with him, rather than because of the birthday.

Couchpotato3 · 25/04/2023 19:29

I hear all the comments about babies not knowing/caring about their first birthday, but I think given the history here, this IS a hill to die on. Press on with your plans, insist that your DH supports you by being present at HIS child's celebration, and let the rest of the family do their thing. Hopefully some/most/all of them will choose to spend some part of your big day with you.

Your DH probably just wants to keep the peace, but given that his brother boycotted your wedding, there is no obligation at all for him to attend some half-baked celebration of his sibling's wedding.

drpet49 · 25/04/2023 19:29

GloomySkies · 25/04/2023 19:17

I was going to say that you're unreasonable but then I read it all and they're clearly doing it on purpose because they're racist fucks.

This. Also it isn’t a wedding. They eloped.

PollyPeptide · 25/04/2023 19:29

Sorry, but I do think you sound OTT. I don't see why your husband can't celebrate both. And really, it's not like your baby will remember any of it.

EsmeSusanOgg · 25/04/2023 19:30

GloomySkies · 25/04/2023 19:17

I was going to say that you're unreasonable but then I read it all and they're clearly doing it on purpose because they're racist fucks.

100% this.

KillBilllater · 25/04/2023 19:30

Whatever. It's a first birthday. You want to ruin their wedding because they didn't go to yours. Own it.

MoggyP · 25/04/2023 19:31

In your shoes I'd have the birthday party on a different day.

Lots of people do this, because of their working schedules and other commitments.

I think you've been bigging up The Actual Day in your own mind to an extent that has become unreasonable.

No-one chooses their wedding celebrations with the aim of spiting someone else - there are all sorts of other factors in play. I think that, perhaps, you just don't like them and are therefore seeing malice where others don't

Thepeopleversuswork · 25/04/2023 19:32

Two totally separate issues: they sound like racists and on that basis alone I wouldn't be doing anything with them so screw their wedding.

But on the other point, I think it's a bit unreasonable to expect relatives a) to know when your baby's birthday is and b) delay a wedding for it. It's hugely important for you but not something other people can be expected to clear their calendars for.

consrvatr · 25/04/2023 19:32

GloomySkies · 25/04/2023 19:17

I was going to say that you're unreasonable but then I read it all and they're clearly doing it on purpose because they're racist fucks.

Year I think this too, it feels like it has been done deliberately. I think your plans for a 1st birthday are OTT but I don't think that's really the point.

EsmeSusanOgg · 25/04/2023 19:32

KillBilllater · 25/04/2023 19:30

Whatever. It's a first birthday. You want to ruin their wedding because they didn't go to yours. Own it.

Or... Thes people have scheduled a celebration to coincide with the already planned 1st birthday party because they have a history (at least BIL) or being racist towards OP (and presumably the baby).

Addymontgomeryfan · 25/04/2023 19:33

Were they invited to the 1st birthday party? If yes then it seems strange they didn't mention they were also planning a party for that day.

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