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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family member has planned 2nd wedding to coincide with our baby's 1st birthday.

212 replies

saythatagaintome · 25/04/2023 19:16

I'm trying to be the bigger person, and was doing so well at it until my husband suggested we celebrate our first child's FIRST birthday on another day. I basically said that wasn't happening. I told him HE can chose to attend the wedding and skip out on our baby's First if that is what HE choses to do. For his sake I hope the times don't coincide.

I am planning her bday as an open house type of party, where friends can pop by in the late am for tea, and then meet us at a nearby beach for late lunch. I was planning on taking that day to celebrate our baby and us for making it through the first year, alive and well.

The couple in question eloped some months back. They are generally secretive people, and seem to like to keep family members at arms length. We wouldn't have even known that they had been planning to marry had my husband not asked them.
To be fair, we don't have much details other than the fact that they have chosen that day to celebrate their union.

They just sent the family thread a text asking us to "save the date." I know I don't own that date, I'm just peeved my husband seems to think that we should celebrate this very important milestone on a different day, when it's been known for weeks that we are planning a small party to celebrate her 1st as well as our first year as parents (and before you say "first bdays are for the parents", yes you're correct! it's OUR First).

Some context: this family member (middle son) is a sibling to my husband (who's the younger son, and boycotted our wedding some years back. My husband and I are a mixed race couple and I have always felt that he hasn't ever valued me as a person. I mention the race dynamic because it very much was relevant at the time.

We (BIL and I) aren't close at all, but are very civil with one another. He and my husband have a relationship, but it's taken many years of repair (we were extremely hurt over the wedding situation, which lead to years of not talking to one another).

AIBU? to be peeved that they've chosen this day? More so, AIBU to be upset at my husband for suggestion that our baby's First bday isn't as big of a deal, and should be planned AROUND family members 2nd wedding celebration?

and re the family thread text that was sent to everyone: No one replied to it, when they shared the date. My MIL also mentioned to my husband this am "They planned their wedding celebration on the baby's first bday---"

I'm going to remain stoic, but I do plan on moving forward with planning the day I'm envisioning. And as I wrote previously, hopefully the times don't clash for my husbands sake.

OP posts:
RoseFl0wers · 25/04/2023 21:04

SunshineGeorgie · 25/04/2023 20:03

But you will be ensuring your DH side of the family.....all of them, not just BIL....cannot come!!

They will all be at the wedding

It’s not a wedding because they’re already married. It’s just a party. At least OP’s non-racist family and friends can attend OP’s baby’s first birthday!

YoBeaches · 25/04/2023 21:05

Yeah given they know the day your child was born, they are either stupid or being deliberate in their actions.

The answer is simple - DH needs to respond to say sorry can't make it, kids birthday. And your family members have the same choice too.

Especially given BIL didn't attend your wedding. Let them carry on and you do your own thing. After all they can change the date of their party if your attendance is important. You cant change the date your kid was born.

Runaway0 · 25/04/2023 21:06

Don't go because they are racist nobs but you sound insufferable and like you have given birth to the messiah. No one apart from the parents/ possibly grandparents care about 1st birthdays. Your baby won't remember so you are making it about you. Just have a nice day baby won't care.

BadNomad · 25/04/2023 21:07

What do you think your MIL will do?

Butchyrestingface · 25/04/2023 21:09

I was very clear in my original post that this day means a lot to me, having been the day my child was born. I know she won’t remember this. I genuinely believe that first vida ya really are for the parents, which is why I’m peeved they’ve chosen that day… My daughter was born before they eloped… and we have been planning to celebrate the day with her library friends, as well as with OUR adult friends later on in the evening.

Yes, you were very clear about the importance of first birthdays. TO YOU. By your own admission, your husband doesn't share your (arguably) unusually OTT intense enthusiasm for first birthdays.

Does he get to have a point of view that differs from your own? I ask because you've said, "AIBU to be upset at my husband for suggestion that our baby's First bday isn't as big of a deal, and should be planned AROUND family members 2nd wedding celebration?".

Well, yes. YABU because your husband is a separate person with his own views and opinions and he doesn't set as much store on first birthday parties as you.

I'd be more upset by the idea of him traipsing off to his racist brother's wedding but that's a separate issue.

Keepthetowel · 25/04/2023 21:10

will your DH’s relatives prioritise the wedding, and not go to your dc party if they are on the same day.

azlazee1 · 25/04/2023 21:10

Your child will be one - she will not know or care what day you celebrate. This is about you. Go to the wedding with your husband, have a good time and celebrate your child another day.

Qilin · 25/04/2023 21:10

KillBilllater · 25/04/2023 19:30

Whatever. It's a first birthday. You want to ruin their wedding because they didn't go to yours. Own it.

It isn’t their wedding.
it’s a party/possible classing to celebrate their wedding, which has already happened (OP said they eloped)

And the OP has already made plans for the birthday celebration, acknowledging it is more for their (mum/dad) benefit than baby’s.

Why does the brother’s party (not wedding) have greater priority than the OP’s party?

Mari9999 · 25/04/2023 21:11

OP,

A Save the Date is just a notice and as people on MN like to say it is not a summons. In your case the date is already taken.

Just proceed with your plans, although baby is neither going to know or care when her birthday is celebrated. By way of possible explanation, they do not sound like the type of people who would have committed your daughter's birthday to memory.

In support of family harmony, it is probably easier to change the date of a first birthday celebration than to reschedule a wedding..

Your BIL sounds like a jerk, but there are fairly members who would probably want to attend the wedding.. Family members will come to a first birthday celebration, but if you are not the parents or grandparents you go out of a sense of obligation rather than out of any enthusiasm for the event.

booksandbrooks · 25/04/2023 21:12

Sorry but gentlyI think YABU. Making a first birthday into a day and evening long do. (Which all of mine would have found overstimulating at that age)You're taking over the whole day, Which is probably awkward for your DH.

It's highly plausible they didn't even know about the clash, or maybe they did and their awful but they're unlikely to throw an anniversary party every year. I think you're making this all about you and it's not immediately obvious that it is. There could be many other factors in why this date felt right for them.

Cheapcookies · 25/04/2023 21:13

Do they know its your child's birthday on that date? I know many of my relatives struggle to remember everyone's birthdays and that stretches to the children. Is there a possibility that they haven't realised?

BadNomad · 25/04/2023 21:15

It says a lot if your husband is willing to miss his mixed-race daughter's first birthday party to attend his racist brother's party.

BadNomad · 25/04/2023 21:16

Hell. It says a lot that he's going at all.

Cheapcookies · 25/04/2023 21:16

Fwiw op, I would be pissed off about this too. There's 364 other days in the year.
But I do wonder if they haven't even realised there's a clash.

Wispawispawispa · 25/04/2023 21:17

Yabu.
I worked on my babies first birthday. They had no idea.

momtoboys · 25/04/2023 21:18

saythatagaintome · 25/04/2023 20:29

I was very clear in my original
post that this day means a lot to me, having been the day my child was born. I know she won’t remember this. I genuinely believe that first vida ya really are for the parents, which is why I’m peeved they’ve chosen that day… My daughter was born before they eloped… and we have been planning to celebrate the day with her library friends, as well as with OUR adult friends later on in the evening.

so, am I trying to ruin their “wedding”
or are they trying to shift the focus of that day?

I'm sorry...I must be daft. Who has friends from the library that are being invited to the party?

poetryandwine · 25/04/2023 21:19

@Faffandahalf you are referring to me. I speak as a victim of both deliberate, malicious sexism and sexism of the ignorant or stupid variety. Both need to be stopped but they are not the same.

I think racism works similarly. In this case it is for the OP to judge. She simply gave us no clue about what happened with her BiL.

Most of your examples are indeed vile but I can think of several very nonracist people with special needs who might wonder out loud about a name that’s difficult to pronounce. And those of us with esoteric professional qualifications we frequently conceal are also sick to the back teeth of ‘jokes’ about what we have in common with the test of humanity so that isn’t always racist, though it can be.

Always happy to engage with enquiry.

Qilin · 25/04/2023 21:22

momtoboys · 25/04/2023 21:18

I'm sorry...I must be daft. Who has friends from the library that are being invited to the party?

Show quote history

I assume the op and baby go to a baby group at the library. Many do regular groups, with story time and activities, coffee and biscuits, etc - a bit like a playgroup but in a library. So baby and ‘mum’ friends from the ‘playgroup’ I’d imagine.

Aweebitpainful · 25/04/2023 21:22

Just don’t go. Say sorry but we’ve already made plans.

Liorae · 25/04/2023 21:24

Justalittlebitduckling · 25/04/2023 20:19

I don’t think that’s true. Grandparents often care a great deal. My DCs did, anyway.

Show quote history

I suspect the OP's in laws will not be attending the First Birthday Extravaganza.

Theunamedcat · 25/04/2023 21:24

Continue with your plans and on your child's 21st birthday you can show her pictures of all the people who attended and she will know then who her father really is the kind of person who chooses a racist over a daughter

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/04/2023 21:25

Tbh most people don't know when birthdays are for children

So I don't think they did this date delib

As not a wedding and just a party I'm
Guessing it will be more evening time to celebrate

And I would just do your day. Obv you will celebrate on your child's birthday

CrazyHedgehogLover · 25/04/2023 21:26

YABU.. why on earth Can’t you still celebrate your child’s first birthday and still attend their party for the wedding 🤔? You could even drop them a message and just remind them that it’s your child’s first birthday and ask if your ok to bring along a cake and sing happy birthday!

a lot of your OP seems to be you winding yourself up, no I don’t think they’ve deliberately chosen your child’s birthday as there date for there wedding party. I have loads of nieces and nephews and it’s hard to remember everyone’s birthdays tbh!

your putting your husband in an unfair situation, he quite rightly has asked if you could make plans to celebrate little one’s birthday on a different day? You could still easily open presents, potentially do the cake at the wedding party or just before leaving?
also I agree with other previous posters that you only mention your friends tbh, clearly your in laws have picked this date, forgotten about your child’s birthday or didn’t think it would be a great deal as everyone knows if there’s a family do usually birthdays do get rearranged in situations like this (at least in my family it does🙄)

I think your just making a mountain out of a molehill honestly, if it’s a case of you don’t feel comfortable going due to the mentioned racism then that’s completely understandable, just let DH go and you and little one stay at home.

there’s plenty of solutions, if you do want to go I’d just mention it’s little one’s birthday so could you potentially bring a cake along and sing happy birthday? If they say no (my family wouldn’t mind this but others might) then just open presents in the morning or whenever best suits and do the cake etc before leaving the house, then little one gets the best of both worlds by spending some time with you and DH & he/she gets to see the rest of there family for the wedding party.

I agree with your DH that you going on a day out etc could be done on another day or weekend..

Clymene · 25/04/2023 21:27

GloomySkies · 25/04/2023 19:17

I was going to say that you're unreasonable but then I read it all and they're clearly doing it on purpose because they're racist fucks.

Concur

allmyliesaretrue · 25/04/2023 21:29

saythatagaintome · 25/04/2023 20:29

I was very clear in my original
post that this day means a lot to me, having been the day my child was born. I know she won’t remember this. I genuinely believe that first vida ya really are for the parents, which is why I’m peeved they’ve chosen that day… My daughter was born before they eloped… and we have been planning to celebrate the day with her library friends, as well as with OUR adult friends later on in the evening.

so, am I trying to ruin their “wedding”
or are they trying to shift the focus of that day?

Your baby is turning 1. She does not have any 'friends' fgs!!! They're just babies who go to the same place.

It's not great on the part of the couple but is it worth the family grief for you to conflict with your DH on this? Your baby won't have a clue. I have three adult children. I barely recall their first birthdays and haven't looked at the photos for years. If I did have a celebration on a different day, I've zero memory and less fucks to give.

A family rift will cause way, way more ripples. You risk splitting family loyalties which will have reverberations way beyond a single day, and tbh all the actual adults will be at the wedding - because they realise that a 1st birthday, while significant to you, doesn't matter all that much in the scheme of things to all the other members of the family. Be gracious.