Family member has planned 2nd wedding to coincide with our baby's 1st birthday.

[saythatagaintome]

I'm trying to be the bigger person, and was doing so well at it until my husband suggested we celebrate our first child's FIRST birthday on another day. I basically said that wasn't happening. I told him HE can chose to attend the wedding and skip out on our baby's First if that is what HE choses to do. For his sake I hope the times don't coincide.

I am planning her bday as an open house type of party, where friends can pop by in the late am for tea, and then meet us at a nearby beach for late lunch. I was planning on taking that day to celebrate our baby and us for making it through the first year, alive and well.

The couple in question eloped some months back. They are generally secretive people, and seem to like to keep family members at arms length. We wouldn't have even known that they had been planning to marry had my husband not asked them.
To be fair, we don't have much details other than the fact that they have chosen that day to celebrate their union.

They just sent the family thread a text asking us to "save the date." I know I don't own that date, I'm just peeved my husband seems to think that we should celebrate this very important milestone on a different day, when it's been known for weeks that we are planning a small party to celebrate her 1st as well as our first year as parents (and before you say "first bdays are for the parents", yes you're correct! it's OUR First).

Some context: this family member (middle son) is a sibling to my husband (who's the younger son, and boycotted our wedding some years back. My husband and I are a mixed race couple and I have always felt that he hasn't ever valued me as a person. I mention the race dynamic because it very much was relevant at the time.

We (BIL and I) aren't close at all, but are very civil with one another. He and my husband have a relationship, but it's taken many years of repair (we were extremely hurt over the wedding situation, which lead to years of not talking to one another).

AIBU? to be peeved that they've chosen this day? More so, AIBU to be upset at my husband for suggestion that our baby's First bday isn't as big of a deal, and should be planned AROUND family members 2nd wedding celebration?

and re the family thread text that was sent to everyone: No one replied to it, when they shared the date. My MIL also mentioned to my husband this am "They planned their wedding celebration on the baby's first bday---"

I'm going to remain stoic, but I do plan on moving forward with planning the day I'm envisioning. And as I wrote previously, hopefully the times don't clash for my husbands sake.

Agree they have done this intentionally. Husband need's to be standing by her.

As an outsider, if I were given a choice of attending a family wedding or a dch's birthday party, I'd pick the wedding as more important. Your dch's party is important to you, but weddings are special for the whole family. Your dch can have other parties once they're old enough to understand them, and the family can attend those. But I hope you have a lovely day at the beach with your friends - that sounds much more relaxed and enjoyable actually.

Apologies for (semi) shouting. This. Is not. The BIL's. WEDDING.

He got married some time ago when he and wife eloped. They weren't too bothered about family then, were they?

If this was the actual wedding I think it would take precedence over a 1st birthday. But it isn't. It's one party or another party. One of them has a particular day to anchor it to, the other could happen any day.

So I don't see why OP shouldn't get the day she wants.

Any chance the lack of response to the save the date is because other people have twigged what he's trying to do?

I doubt it. Like the bil, most people are not tracking the baby's birthday. It matters only to the OP, not even to her husband.

My suspicion is they were not thinking about your baby when they picked that date - they chose it on availability. You might be excited but other than the parents and possibly grandparents, I doubt your family can remember her birthday!

LOL! I did labor and deliver her unmedicated! So you’re not wrong in that I am likely seeing her as messiah 😅😂 Jajajajajaja

I think the picked the date on purpose knowing that you wouldn't be pleased and wouldn't go. It doesn't sound like they want you there. I would go and be very happy and take a little cake for little one with me just to annoy them.

Grandparents are also
peeved! My mother in law and husbands aunt BOTH suggested we throw the birthday girl and new parents a party. I really wanted to go camping, but they asked if we could have a celebration. MIL was also at baby’s birth and are pretty close with her. … so it’s quite meaningful to them.

You’re probably right about that. The only
thing they’ve ensured is that they won’t be present for her party, as they’ll be at their event.

This ^^ they won't be happy not having all the attention on them.

How do you know BIL is racist? It's a pretty huge accusation. Maybe he just doesn't like you that much if you are always this dramatic about the small things? Why did he boycott the wedding?

Would be a little surprising if your ILs had raised one son who's not racist and one who is... but...!

This is sensible advice. I would not put ILs in a difficult position and would move the birthday party.

I'd be tempted to reply "How wonderful as you know it's our DC's birthday on the same day. We can have a joint celebration! I can bring an additional cake and some balloons and maybe everyone can sing Happy Birthday! How wonderful that we'll be able to celebrate both occasions together now and in the future!" Then I'd sit back and enjoy the fall out :)

Would I fuck be going to their shitty party, enjoy your baby's birthday and have a lovely time with her.

Look, this is a win-win for you - you get to boycott BIL’s wedding back, while maintaining the moral high ground.

Get your DH to reply “oh no! That’s DC’s first birthday! Didn’t you realise? We’ve already invited people over, we can’t change it at this late stage! Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry but we can’t come! Hope you have a wonderful day though”

And then feel satisfied that they have saved you the trouble of making up an excuse.

This is evil! I’ve changed my mind OP, do this 🤣

Yes, others have caught on 😒

The BIL didn’t care about causing family rifts etc when he refused to attend the OPs wedding so she owes him nothing. Her child’s birthday is more important so that’s what she should focus on.

The problem is that the day means a lot to you, but nobody else including your DH, which is also valid. You do realise that any adult guests will be there purely out of a sense of obligation and will spend the whole time internally eye rolling and on an internal countdown? Personally, I’d even pray for gastro over a 1yo party so I could stay away. Can’t even imagine a bunch of 1yo’s together for a party, they don’t know why they are there, what a party is, and likely just want a nap.

You also seem very fixated on a date. When mine were older and we celebrated birthdays because they knew it was their birthday and what a party actually was, it was never on the actual date. Due to work commitments and convenience it was sometimes weeks either way, they didn’t know. We never did the actual date until they got to school and understood calendar dates etc and we couldn’t pull the swiftly any longer 🤣. If you get fixated on stuff like this you are going to have a really long 18 years.

This.

aside from my husband, you’re the only people I’ve mentioned this to. I’m malt certainly
not being dramatic.

I know he’s a racist because he himself apologized for disregarding me at a time everyone else was welcoming me into their family. He has also said that his treatment of me is rooted in biases and he’s working to overcome those 😳

He has also, in the past, said things like “I don’t have a use for her” regarding our Indian/brown SIL.

my husband knows hi’ better than I … his words, not mine “- - - - - would have never treated a white partner this way”

Without the race element you mention I would say that unfortunately I think you are very unreasonable - and should celebrate the birthday on a different day.

you don’t give much away about the racism issue and if that really was the reason for the boycott - if so then you in my view are validated to say no to whatever this person plans forever.

In your shoes Id not be going to the wedding celebration, nor inviting them to your birthday party.

My dilemma would be either have a family celebration the following afternoon, or just on the day of the birthday only.

... sorry, thats because hes a racist fucker, who doesnt deserve to be aroubd you or your child.

I very much doubt the OP's husband will go along with that.
Not attending a wedding does not amount to boycotting it, by the way. The word boycott has very specific historical meaning to irish people.