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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family member has planned 2nd wedding to coincide with our baby's 1st birthday.

212 replies

saythatagaintome · 25/04/2023 19:16

I'm trying to be the bigger person, and was doing so well at it until my husband suggested we celebrate our first child's FIRST birthday on another day. I basically said that wasn't happening. I told him HE can chose to attend the wedding and skip out on our baby's First if that is what HE choses to do. For his sake I hope the times don't coincide.

I am planning her bday as an open house type of party, where friends can pop by in the late am for tea, and then meet us at a nearby beach for late lunch. I was planning on taking that day to celebrate our baby and us for making it through the first year, alive and well.

The couple in question eloped some months back. They are generally secretive people, and seem to like to keep family members at arms length. We wouldn't have even known that they had been planning to marry had my husband not asked them.
To be fair, we don't have much details other than the fact that they have chosen that day to celebrate their union.

They just sent the family thread a text asking us to "save the date." I know I don't own that date, I'm just peeved my husband seems to think that we should celebrate this very important milestone on a different day, when it's been known for weeks that we are planning a small party to celebrate her 1st as well as our first year as parents (and before you say "first bdays are for the parents", yes you're correct! it's OUR First).

Some context: this family member (middle son) is a sibling to my husband (who's the younger son, and boycotted our wedding some years back. My husband and I are a mixed race couple and I have always felt that he hasn't ever valued me as a person. I mention the race dynamic because it very much was relevant at the time.

We (BIL and I) aren't close at all, but are very civil with one another. He and my husband have a relationship, but it's taken many years of repair (we were extremely hurt over the wedding situation, which lead to years of not talking to one another).

AIBU? to be peeved that they've chosen this day? More so, AIBU to be upset at my husband for suggestion that our baby's First bday isn't as big of a deal, and should be planned AROUND family members 2nd wedding celebration?

and re the family thread text that was sent to everyone: No one replied to it, when they shared the date. My MIL also mentioned to my husband this am "They planned their wedding celebration on the baby's first bday---"

I'm going to remain stoic, but I do plan on moving forward with planning the day I'm envisioning. And as I wrote previously, hopefully the times don't clash for my husbands sake.

OP posts:
marmaladeone · 26/04/2023 01:46

First birthday parties are the worst! Especially if they make the guests watch as they unwrap the presents.
Just have it the next day or weekend OP. Had you invited your BIL?
Also, who are the "new parents" that your MIL is talking about?

Original poster
saythatagaintome · 26/04/2023 02:35

Right… I have friends. Women I’ve connected with 2-3 times weekly via that resource.

and to be clear, it’s my culture to celebrate birthdays on the day that it happens to be. We don’t celebrate birthdays on weekends so “everyone can come.” We celebrate when the actual birthday is. By the weekend we’ve moved on! Our one year anniversary happens to be on a Saturday.

anyways, thanks everyone for your commentary. You’ve helped me see that perhaps I am being slightly UR but also justified in feeling annoyed, given the history.

OP posts:
Original poster
saythatagaintome · 26/04/2023 02:44

Yes, I agree first bdays days can be painful.

Which is why I’ve planned a BABY SOUL CHELLA themed party 😂 funny that we’re hosting a themed party as is BIL
for his wedding 🫠 anyways, our relationship is not good, clearly.

OP posts:
Liorae · 26/04/2023 02:47

saythatagaintome · 26/04/2023 02:35

Right… I have friends. Women I’ve connected with 2-3 times weekly via that resource.

and to be clear, it’s my culture to celebrate birthdays on the day that it happens to be. We don’t celebrate birthdays on weekends so “everyone can come.” We celebrate when the actual birthday is. By the weekend we’ve moved on! Our one year anniversary happens to be on a Saturday.

anyways, thanks everyone for your commentary. You’ve helped me see that perhaps I am being slightly UR but also justified in feeling annoyed, given the history.

Sadly I suspect that you won't have moved on from this in ten years, let alone next weekend.

snitzelvoncrumb · 26/04/2023 02:52

It’s just a party, not a wedding. Just celebrate in the morning.

Nicecow · 26/04/2023 02:54

Honestly, your baby won't even know what's happening. Just do it the day before or after. I had a small party planned and my aunty died, party cancelled - to give you some perspective. If they have done it on purpose, then obviously they are dicks and you don't have to go to thw wedding (perfect out!) but also realise it's not really a big deal in the scheme of things (meant in the nicest way, and congratulations for making it to 1!)

EllandRd · 26/04/2023 02:55

Your baby's Birthday is not a big deal to anyone other than you and hubby. Celebrate the Birthday as planned, your BIL can do what he wants. Such drama

Nicecow · 26/04/2023 02:55

Irritateandunreasonable · 25/04/2023 19:37

My gosh - it’s almost like these peoples life’s (that you have very little to do with) don’t revolve around you 🤣

Is this a weekend day? If LO was 1 on a Thursday would you still refuse to celebrate on another day.

This isn’t about your baby, they have no idea what’s going on. You’re making your babies bday about you, you’re not a victim here, neither is your baby, stop being so silly and self centred.

This too. It's normally a mission organising a wedding so I do doubt they chose that day in purpose because of your child's birthday

momonpurpose · 26/04/2023 03:25

OP they are absolutely wrong and no doubt did it on purpose. I am disgusted for you. They are horrid. DO NOT change your birthday plans! Far more important then a second wedding of people so awful who will most likely be divorced in a few years

Guineapigwoes · 26/04/2023 03:42

What’s a baby soul chella?

Fraaahnces · 26/04/2023 04:14

I don’t blame you for resenting the racist (*arsehole) BIL. The comment “I don’t have any use for her” has my back up for SOOOO many reasons. I’m assuming he’s sexist too. This guy makes my skin crawl just for that comment alone.
Meanwhile, it is because of that statement that I assume you and baby simply don’t register on his radar at all and I very much doubt that his nuptials were planned to clash. I am pleased that the timings work out and I have a suggestion.
Is it possible for you to dress in something that is culturally appropriate for you and baby that will be like lemon juice in BIL’s racist paper cut to wear to his wedding? ie, you are of Indian descent, wear a sari… If you are of African descent, wear clothing that celebrates your ancestry, depending on which countries and nations they come from. I would go as loud and proud as possible with colours and clothing and remain calmly dignified (hold your head high as YOU have done nothing wrong!) at the event so nobody could possibly question your “motives.”

(I don’t know the theme of the wedding, but I’m “technically” poly-racial and have no time for that shit.)

Fraaahnces · 26/04/2023 04:16

Oh, and for those saying that you’re making this about you….
What relationship does BIL have with his niece? None? If he is racist, I imagine he has “No use for” his niece either.
I would still take this personally.

Victoria69c · 26/04/2023 04:35

Your baby is only 1 once. You do the best for your child. If your husband wants to go to his brothers wedding party. Politely tell him to tell his brother he will be there after he has celebrated his child's big day. I'm sure if it was the other way around his brother would have to be telling your husband the same. Never allow anyone to take from your child. They grow up to fast you'll never be able to get that day back. U can't do it again. They eloped for a reason. Happy 1st birthday to your little one.

user1492757084 · 26/04/2023 05:59

It's not their wedding but they want to share the celebration.
Your husband needs to phone and have an actual conversation with his brother.
Did he realise there was already a special occasion on that date? etc. A polite discussion.
It might be that they are planning a very simple meet up that can easily be changed to the evening.

I don't think people committ to memory other people's children's birthdays so I wouldn't take offence.

I would start from a position of respect to family and a hope that there will be an ongoing close relationship.

GoodChat · 26/04/2023 06:06

user1492757084 · 26/04/2023 05:59

It's not their wedding but they want to share the celebration.
Your husband needs to phone and have an actual conversation with his brother.
Did he realise there was already a special occasion on that date? etc. A polite discussion.
It might be that they are planning a very simple meet up that can easily be changed to the evening.

I don't think people committ to memory other people's children's birthdays so I wouldn't take offence.

I would start from a position of respect to family and a hope that there will be an ongoing close relationship.

OP's said it doesn't start til 4 so there won't necessarily be a clash

readbooksdrinktea · 26/04/2023 06:16

Movinghousehelp · 25/04/2023 19:24

I think you’re being a bit OTT in the way you are describing the importance of your baby’s birthday - it really isn’t that big a deal to anyone but you. I presume it has happened to fall on a weekend day, if it hadn’t you’d have probably celebrated on a different day?

Having said that I don’t doubt that your BIL is a dick head from what you have said here. So YABU and YANBU.

Agree with this.

Soontobe60 · 26/04/2023 06:27

Irritateandunreasonable · 25/04/2023 19:37

My gosh - it’s almost like these peoples life’s (that you have very little to do with) don’t revolve around you 🤣

Is this a weekend day? If LO was 1 on a Thursday would you still refuse to celebrate on another day.

This isn’t about your baby, they have no idea what’s going on. You’re making your babies bday about you, you’re not a victim here, neither is your baby, stop being so silly and self centred.

This!

There is absolutely nothing in your post that points to your BIL being racist, apart from you saying you’re mixed race. You said he didn’t come to your wedding, but you didn’t say why. You also said he’s always civil. You also said you’re a mixed race couple, so surely that means your BIL is also mixed race?

You sound completely wacky!

Summerfun54321 · 26/04/2023 06:31

It's totally fine to want to celebrate your baby's birthday in a way that reflects your culture. But if your BIL is British then us brits don't put a lot of importance on first birthdays and even if he had known there was a clash, wouldn't have thought much of it. This sounds more like a culture clash than intentional racism.

YoBeaches · 26/04/2023 06:39

I think no matter who's birthday it is or how old they are going to be, it is always bad form to plan a major event on a very close family Members birthday, without at least discussing first. Like "really sorry this is the only date we can get for the venue we want would you be ok with it? "

First birthdays are a major
Milestone for first time
MimsX it's normal to feel the way you do. We just don't know whether it was intentional or not so assume it's. It and have your dh explain that you can't make it because you have plans.

Sleepyandconfused · 26/04/2023 06:43

You’re being SO unreasonable but it’s funny because I was exactly the same with my first and can totally imagine myself reacting the same way 😂 It’s a first birthday for goodness sake! The baby has NO idea that it is their birthday and they definitely don’t need a party and any celebration is only for the parents and doesn’t benefit or even affect the baby in any way! Of course you should attend a family member’s wedding! Your child will have many other birthdays that they will actually remember. If you insist on having a party, of course you can have it on another day. This is so ridiculous but also I feel for you because I was totally like this. I cringe looking back on it now and I’m sure you will too!

Dedodee · 26/04/2023 06:59

OctopusComplex · 25/04/2023 23:14

You laboured without drugs. This means you had an uneventful birth. Why did you bring this into the thread?

Really!
I laboured without drugs for my 2nd because the midwives refused to believe I was in labour until 30 minutes before dd was born. I wouldn’t describe my dd’s birth as uneventful.

ShandaLear · 26/04/2023 07:07

Turn it on its head. Reply ‘Brilliant idea, thanks for the invite and we’ll be there will bells on. It’s baby Ermintrude’s first birthday that day so it’ll be a great opportunity to celebrate that too with so many family and friends. I hope you don’t mind if we bring a small cake and candles, and some balloons, to share later in the afternoon. I know grandma Mildred would be so excited’.

Sceptre86 · 26/04/2023 07:18

For my kids first birthdays dh and I did something fun with the baby on their birthday but had parties at the weekend, although ds's first birthday party was on his actual birthday as it was a Saturday.

I have been to a wedding on my son's birthday (5th so not quite the same as his first). The groom was my cousin and he got all the guests to sing happy birthday to my son and gave him a little gift. Any chance your bil would do the same and acknowledge your child? Could it be this is a strange way to offer you an olive branch?

If not then no I wouldn't go but based on the racism more than anything else. You could be shooting yourself in the foot by keeping the birthday on that date as surely any other siblings will attend and your mil or fil, grandparents etc. You could also do the birthday open house earlier in the day to accommodate people who want to go to both events assuming it's in the same city.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 26/04/2023 07:33

Your bil is racist, so for that reason I wouldn't go. However if he is genuinely repentant about his past treatment of you, then its truly your decision whether you accept him back into your life.
It wouldn't have occurred to me that I had double booked a baby's 1st birthday, of a sibling I was close too, unless I had been specifically invited to a party. You said you aren't close to your BIL, so it wouldn't have been on his radar.
I do understand why you are hurt. My dc's big religious event looked like it was going to clash with a family wedding, and all of my family made it clear that the wedding would take priority.

Nimbostratus100 · 26/04/2023 07:44

Victoria69c · 26/04/2023 04:35

Your baby is only 1 once. You do the best for your child. If your husband wants to go to his brothers wedding party. Politely tell him to tell his brother he will be there after he has celebrated his child's big day. I'm sure if it was the other way around his brother would have to be telling your husband the same. Never allow anyone to take from your child. They grow up to fast you'll never be able to get that day back. U can't do it again. They eloped for a reason. Happy 1st birthday to your little one.

o come on, a first birthday party is never what's best for the child, and it isn't even what's best for the parents, particularly when number 2 comes along, and they feel they HAVE to do the same, or it looks unfair in the family photo album, then number 3, and they wonder why they did this terrible thing to themselves!