Family member has planned 2nd wedding to coincide with our baby's 1st birthday.

[saythatagaintome]

I'm trying to be the bigger person, and was doing so well at it until my husband suggested we celebrate our first child's FIRST birthday on another day. I basically said that wasn't happening. I told him HE can chose to attend the wedding and skip out on our baby's First if that is what HE choses to do. For his sake I hope the times don't coincide.

I am planning her bday as an open house type of party, where friends can pop by in the late am for tea, and then meet us at a nearby beach for late lunch. I was planning on taking that day to celebrate our baby and us for making it through the first year, alive and well.

The couple in question eloped some months back. They are generally secretive people, and seem to like to keep family members at arms length. We wouldn't have even known that they had been planning to marry had my husband not asked them.
To be fair, we don't have much details other than the fact that they have chosen that day to celebrate their union.

They just sent the family thread a text asking us to "save the date." I know I don't own that date, I'm just peeved my husband seems to think that we should celebrate this very important milestone on a different day, when it's been known for weeks that we are planning a small party to celebrate her 1st as well as our first year as parents (and before you say "first bdays are for the parents", yes you're correct! it's OUR First).

Some context: this family member (middle son) is a sibling to my husband (who's the younger son, and boycotted our wedding some years back. My husband and I are a mixed race couple and I have always felt that he hasn't ever valued me as a person. I mention the race dynamic because it very much was relevant at the time.

We (BIL and I) aren't close at all, but are very civil with one another. He and my husband have a relationship, but it's taken many years of repair (we were extremely hurt over the wedding situation, which lead to years of not talking to one another).

AIBU? to be peeved that they've chosen this day? More so, AIBU to be upset at my husband for suggestion that our baby's First bday isn't as big of a deal, and should be planned AROUND family members 2nd wedding celebration?

and re the family thread text that was sent to everyone: No one replied to it, when they shared the date. My MIL also mentioned to my husband this am "They planned their wedding celebration on the baby's first bday---"

I'm going to remain stoic, but I do plan on moving forward with planning the day I'm envisioning. And as I wrote previously, hopefully the times don't clash for my husbands sake.

Sorry, yes I have! Aunt and MIL have brought it up
many times.

they (elopers) just got back to us saying their party is a costume party starting at 4, just cocktails at a
meeting hall, so nothing fancy.

while it doesn’t seem to conflict (baby’s bday will be a daytime affair), I am still a bit annoyed. It’s ok though.

my husband is remarkably sweet and truly sees the best in everyone. And even though his brother caused us a lot of grief and hurt, he is a supportive person and very much wouldn’t be unsupportive of his big brother.

also, someone else mentioned that it would be surprising to raise one son racist and another not. My husband and I have both spoken about this. My partner attended college in another country (he’s an American), did the peace corps abroad, has travelled extensively and submerged and chosen to educate himself on racial issues, for example: he’s attended racial equity trainings and such. Married outside of his race, etc.. He has always been drawn to a diverse way of life, as opposed to brother.

The OP has said she is aware of that

It's for them as a family

Im still hoping you will answer the question if you invited them to the birthday party or not?

If not they may not have realised the date and if they did most people wouldn't fit their plans around a possible 1st birthday party.

If their party is so low key they should be apologising and moving the date. It really does seem suspicious that out of all the days they chose that one. I wouldn't be going because of his past behaviour anyway

I couldn't get worked up about a wedding being on a baby's birthday. However if you are suggesting your bil is racist towards you in some way, then that is a different point altogether. I'd be inclined to go with.your DH suggestion to celebrate baby's birthday the day before. Baby is too young to know.

Exactly this.

I don't believe you that they're doing it "on purpose". That's bullshit.

Also, let your husband go, you and kiddo do something special for the two of you, and have the party another day.

As far as making a huge deal of babies first birthday, It doesnt matter which day its held on. Baby wont have a clue. Ive known more than one couple who were away on their childs first or second birthdays, so spent it unaware with grandparents and celebrated when their parents were back.

I think you are making too big a deal of this. However, you clearly have a racist BIL and that would also piss me off, more so that he didnt come to your wedding. Its a really difficult one. I feel for your husband who clearly wishes to forge a better relationship with his brother, he wont do that by not attending their wedding and honestly? it will make the relationship you have with your BIL tense if you dont go.

If it were me I would go. I have three kids and several grand kids and know the first birthday party wont be one bit less important if you celebrate it the day before or the day after the wedding. Your husband will value your presence at the wedding and you come out as the bigger person. I would call your BILs bluff...he probably thinks you wont go and it will give him a chance to score a point. Do try and go, your baby honestly wont know but your standing in the family will go up a notch.

Most aunties and uncles know the dates of they're neice's and nephews birthday's.

I agree. In the kindest way OP no one really gives much of a hoot about your child's birthday apart from the parents. It's important to you, but you can't expect it to that important to other people.

But seeing as their racist, fuck them. Go ahead and do whatever you planned for your babies birthday.

. I don't have a clue when my nieces and nephews are. I get a reminder on my phone

You laboured without drugs. This means you had an uneventful birth. Why did you bring this into the thread?

Same!!! Start as you mean to go on OP - your child wins, these people don’t deserve your presence (or presents) at their wedding.

I think it depends on how much you value the relationship with them. I do think they should have thought about this and remembered your little ones birthday and planned around it, but it is what it is at this stage. If things have been difficult (clearly their fault) in the past I'd wonder if they'd think you weren't attending on purpose and would it flare up old tensions. In that respect I'd say if you value them and want to avoid a conflict then I'd go to part of the day and spend the majority of the day with your daughter. Could you go the whole hog and do what you've planned but then have an extra family celebration for her so that any family that couldn't make it to both can still celebrate her? I know they don't remember a first bday but it's still a big deal and you're not being unreasonable to be upset. I think it's poor form to book over a neice or nephews birthday unless you are willing to acknowledge them on your day.

I thought by reading the first post about getting through birth and the first year etc that it may have been an extremely traumatic birth, possibly complications and ongoing health issues. Seems it's just a case of PFB, and a mother thinking the world revolves around them.

Yes, I certainly do. It's a big deal in our families - a day for us all to get together and enjoy, and we love it. And all the first birthdays were important to all of us, not just the parents. So I would say OP is NBU from that point of view, and as for the prejudices of the BIL, you're not being unreasonable there either!

Nope!

what is the difference between boycotting a wedding and not attending it?

and yes, celebrate your baby's birthday on a different day. Why would your brother in law even remember what day your baby's birthday is when planning his wedding?

sorry not a clue - I think I know which season most of them were born in. It simply doesn't feature in my life- my siblings wouldn't have a clue when my children's birthdays are - they might or might not be able to guess the month. Most likely not.

A boycott is a collective community action to cause financial and social detriment to a person the community feels is harmful to that community. I don't think a tit for tat refusal to attend a wedding qualifies.

BIL admitted that " his treatment of you in the past was rooted in bias". Pretty big thing to admit. Sounds like you still cling to the old ways of your bil vs moving on.

He didnt "boycot" your wedding. He simply didnt want to attend. Those are different things

Your baby doesnt have library friends op dont be rediculous. And you cant expect your husband to not go to his own brothers wedding!

You do realise at the end of all this, you'll end up the only one feeling bad right. Not sure if being petty is the way to go.
Plan dds birthday they day after. Or before.

If her birthday was on a Thursday you'd have to do the same thing too. So not sure if I understand you clinging so hard to that day.

They boycotted your wedding and it’s not even their wedding, they eloped. You could be busy trimming your toe nails that day and it’s a good enough excuse. It sounds like others see through them too, don’t hold it against fsmily members who do go to their ‘wedding’ to keep the peace. Except your dh, he should be at home celebrating.

Not before I'd written my post.

Dear god, a baby first birthday can be celebrated any day and really no one gives a fuck! Especially not the baby!