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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family member has planned 2nd wedding to coincide with our baby's 1st birthday.

212 replies

saythatagaintome · 25/04/2023 19:16

I'm trying to be the bigger person, and was doing so well at it until my husband suggested we celebrate our first child's FIRST birthday on another day. I basically said that wasn't happening. I told him HE can chose to attend the wedding and skip out on our baby's First if that is what HE choses to do. For his sake I hope the times don't coincide.

I am planning her bday as an open house type of party, where friends can pop by in the late am for tea, and then meet us at a nearby beach for late lunch. I was planning on taking that day to celebrate our baby and us for making it through the first year, alive and well.

The couple in question eloped some months back. They are generally secretive people, and seem to like to keep family members at arms length. We wouldn't have even known that they had been planning to marry had my husband not asked them.
To be fair, we don't have much details other than the fact that they have chosen that day to celebrate their union.

They just sent the family thread a text asking us to "save the date." I know I don't own that date, I'm just peeved my husband seems to think that we should celebrate this very important milestone on a different day, when it's been known for weeks that we are planning a small party to celebrate her 1st as well as our first year as parents (and before you say "first bdays are for the parents", yes you're correct! it's OUR First).

Some context: this family member (middle son) is a sibling to my husband (who's the younger son, and boycotted our wedding some years back. My husband and I are a mixed race couple and I have always felt that he hasn't ever valued me as a person. I mention the race dynamic because it very much was relevant at the time.

We (BIL and I) aren't close at all, but are very civil with one another. He and my husband have a relationship, but it's taken many years of repair (we were extremely hurt over the wedding situation, which lead to years of not talking to one another).

AIBU? to be peeved that they've chosen this day? More so, AIBU to be upset at my husband for suggestion that our baby's First bday isn't as big of a deal, and should be planned AROUND family members 2nd wedding celebration?

and re the family thread text that was sent to everyone: No one replied to it, when they shared the date. My MIL also mentioned to my husband this am "They planned their wedding celebration on the baby's first bday---"

I'm going to remain stoic, but I do plan on moving forward with planning the day I'm envisioning. And as I wrote previously, hopefully the times don't clash for my husbands sake.

OP posts:
SunshineGeorgie · 25/04/2023 20:30

We're your husbands family ever invited?

I mean 'library' friends and your friends

YaWeeFurryBastard · 25/04/2023 20:30

Was going to ask if it’s Meghan but I see PP beat me to it 😂

Changedmymindtoday · 25/04/2023 20:31

A baby’s first birthday is a very emotional day, for mums in particular.
I wouldn’t give it up for anyone, and definitely not a racist fuckhead who treats me badly.

SunshineGeorgie · 25/04/2023 20:31

Rock up at the wedding with baby wearing a big 'one today' badge

Steal the show...as babies do

Livelovebehappy · 25/04/2023 20:32

GloomySkies · 25/04/2023 19:17

I was going to say that you're unreasonable but then I read it all and they're clearly doing it on purpose because they're racist fucks.

And you come to that conclusion how? 🙄

poetryandwine · 25/04/2023 20:33

I think you are conflating two issues. Racism should never be excused. You haven’t given us a sense of how bad BiL’s racism is. If it is at all serious, that is reason enough to decline the ‘wedding’ invite.

But is the birthday celebration really all day? Gently, most people would probably find that a bit PFB and OTT. Also tiring for your DD, who should be the centre of attention. The birthday party is not an intrinsic conflict with the ‘wedding’ plans, as far as I can see. It could easily be solved if you really wanted to do both. It is (more than) fine if you don’t, but it would be best to own that.

MumToBeOf2 · 25/04/2023 20:33

Given the background, YANBU.

Your BIL has very clearly planned this. And to be honest? If my husband was entertaining a relationship with someone who viewed me as less than because of my race, and therefore also would hold those same biases towards my daughter, I'd be giving him an ultimatum.

This isn't a difficult family relationship, it's about him deciding his racist brother is still just as important to him as you, and in turn, his daughter.

Iyjd · 25/04/2023 20:35

It’s not his wedding it’s his party. DH just gets to pick which party he attends on that day, his child’s first birthday or his brothers party which has the purpose of reminding you all that he got married and you weren’t invited

MysteryBelle · 25/04/2023 20:36

Given the context, neither you nor your husband should attend the wedding of your dh’s brother who boycotted your wedding based on despicable racism. Plus there are other reasons to not go. Your husband should stand by you. It wouldn’t surprise me if the brother chose the date on purpose. Absolutely do not go, and I’d have a hard time getting over it if my h went. No way. Enjoy your child’s first birthday.

No reason to even respond unless your dh is directly asked, and he can say, “We already have plans to celebrate our child’s first birthday and those plans have been in place for a long time. I remember that you boycotted my married because you’re a racist. Congratulations on your marriage and have a great day.”

Restinggoddess · 25/04/2023 20:37

I understand how you feel

I would like to think they didn’t deliberately pick the date ( probably didn’t register the importance of the date)

whilst it is true your DC won’t remember this day - I get that it is important to you.
I would be declining this weird second wedding / kept you all in the dark and now we want attention do
I would be having a day with DC

For your DH - he is caught between the 2 but ultimately he can politely decline ‘ever so sorry it’s X’s first birthday and we have plans for the day’ - this is more balanced and decent than what your BIL did to you when you married !!
Do not let your BIL live in your head rent free - enjoy your very special day, it’s important to you and others should respect that

OrwellianTimes · 25/04/2023 20:37

They’ve quite obviously done it on purpose, you’d let people know you were having a do on that day before they booked it. YANBU.

PleaseJustText · 25/04/2023 20:38

I'm sorry OP but I couldn't care less about a baby's first birthday. It would make no difference to me if I saw you at a wedding or a party you're hosting on that day. The end result is the same, an enjoyable time in your company.

VivaVivaa · 25/04/2023 20:41

so, am I trying to ruin their “wedding”
or are they trying to shift the focus of that day?

I don’t think any of us can answer that. My guess would be that they are just thoughtless and didn’t think, but only you know what the dynamic is. If you really think they’ve done this on purpose to ruin your DDs 1st birthday, then you need to challenge your DH as to why he prioritises BIL as that’s really toxic

Briallen · 25/04/2023 20:44

Yanbu they should know the date of their own niece/nephews birthday. And absolutely not plan a wedding on it.

Minierme · 25/04/2023 20:44

I think you need to reply on the WhatsApp “oh that’s a real shame we won’t be able to be there because it’s xxxx’s first birthday”.

SemperIdem · 25/04/2023 20:48

Livelovebehappy · 25/04/2023 20:32

And you come to that conclusion how? 🙄

Show quote history

By reading the op properly 🙄

ThisNameIsNotAvailable · 25/04/2023 20:49

saythatagaintome · 25/04/2023 20:29

I was very clear in my original
post that this day means a lot to me, having been the day my child was born. I know she won’t remember this. I genuinely believe that first vida ya really are for the parents, which is why I’m peeved they’ve chosen that day… My daughter was born before they eloped… and we have been planning to celebrate the day with her library friends, as well as with OUR adult friends later on in the evening.

so, am I trying to ruin their “wedding”
or are they trying to shift the focus of that day?

I think you’re over estimating how much people other than you think of your baby’s first birthday. As far as their concerned this is not about your baby but their wedding.

Not everyone’s world revolves around your offspring

Mamamia32 · 25/04/2023 20:49

On my child's first birthday my husband took the day off work and the three of us went to an aquarium. It would have been really annoying going to a wedding instead, but I would have if I thought it was an innocent coincidence.

YANBU if you think they have chosen the date maliciously. Have they been reminded it's your child's birthday?

dittbtdity · 25/04/2023 20:50

It doesn't matter what the date means to OP, she had already planned a family centered celebration for that particular day and now her bastard Bil is muscling in to use the same date for his rival party. Bastard.

Oubliette86 · 25/04/2023 20:53

I am planning her bday as an open house type of party, where friends can pop by in the late am for tea, and then meet us at a nearby beach for late lunch.

and we have been planning to celebrate the day with her library friends, as well as with OUR adult friends later on in the evening.

Er… did you even plan to invite your in laws? You only mention friends on your posts.

billy1966 · 25/04/2023 20:54

OrwellianTimes · 25/04/2023 20:37

They’ve quite obviously done it on purpose, you’d let people know you were having a do on that day before they booked it. YANBU.

This.

Babys birthday or not, I wouldn't dream of going to their wedding, nor would I bother being regretful.

I hope your husband makes a wise choice.

YANBU.

Oubliette86 · 25/04/2023 20:54

dittbtdity · 25/04/2023 20:50

It doesn't matter what the date means to OP, she had already planned a family centered celebration for that particular day and now her bastard Bil is muscling in to use the same date for his rival party. Bastard.

Except she doesn’t mention inviting family anywhere, it’s all about friends.

Faffandahalf · 25/04/2023 20:56

I cannot believe someone above has basically posted well we don’t know how ‘serious’ the racism was. If it was bad then sure but mmmm what did he actually do…

so….there are degrees of racism now? Only some racism is bad and some racism is like totally not that bad ok (said in a very dumb voice). Wtf.

Maybe he touched her hair..is that bad? Maybe he asked where she was ‘really’ from?, maybe he asked if she lived in a mud hut back ‘home’, maybe he was surprised she had a degree, maybe he commented on how unusual her name sounded, maybe he said he couldn’t understand what the two of them had in common, or maybe he just said I don’t like black people. It’s aaaaaaalllllll racist.

there is no way they chose this date by coincidence

Having said that no one cares about your baby birthday shenanigans. A whole day? Library friends? Adults after party?

but I too would be going ahead and making a point of it and ensuring family would be attending

RoseFl0wers · 25/04/2023 21:02

YANBU! I don’t understand the people who think you are! It’s not a wedding because the couple are already married. It’s just an expensive party. Tell them ‘sorry but that’s our baby’s first birthday so we won’t be attending.’ The other issues are that your BIL is racist and boycotted your wedding so I wouldn’t bother attending even if the ‘wedding’ didn’t clash with your baby’s birthday!

whynotwhatknot · 25/04/2023 21:04

as i would tell meghan if theyr really racist why do you bother with them anyway