Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to end a 10 year friendship over this?

282 replies

MrTiddlesTheCat · 24/04/2023 15:53

My DS is 6 and has autism. He can talk but mostly doesn't. He goes to mainstream school.

A few weeks ago another parent approached me in the carpark and told me that she had had to intervene when passing through the playground earlier as a group of much older boys were intimidating my DS. She said he looked absolutely terrified and she thought I should know.

I talked to DS and with much coaxing I managed to get the full story out of him. These big boys have been mercilessly bullying him for months. Every single day name calling, pushing, kicking. It's horrfic and I'm so angry. Angry at the kids doing it. Angry at the school for apparently not noticing. Angry at myself.

I met up with a friend yesterday who I haven't seen for a while and I told her about DS and how awful it had all been. And she bloody well already knew. I was so stunned that it didn't really register what she was saying until I got home. Her DS is in the same class as these big boys and had been telling her all along what was happening to my little boy. But she never said anything.

Maybe it's misplaced anger, but I can't help feeling let down by her. She knew my DS was being hurt and chose to do nothing.

AIBU in thinking this crosses a line and this woman is not my friend?

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 24/04/2023 15:54

Did she think you already knew?

NeatCompactSleeper · 24/04/2023 15:55

What did she say when you asked her why she hadn't told you?

Nordicrain · 24/04/2023 15:55

She must have assumed you knew and that you didn't bring it up because you didn't want to talk about it. I think you hit the nail on the head, this is misplaced anger.

shoofly · 24/04/2023 15:55

How did she justify this?

MXVIT · 24/04/2023 15:56

You're angry at the wrong person here.

100% she will have thought you already knew.

CheersForThatEh · 24/04/2023 15:57

I would assume she thought you knew but didnt want to upset you by bringing it up and thought that if you wanted to talk about it then you would have said something.

Eggseggseverywhere · 24/04/2023 15:57

Have you asked her why she didn't tell you?

Careerdilemma · 24/04/2023 15:57

I generally think people on here overreact massively and write friends off at the drop of a hat. But this is totally unforgiveable. Unless somehow she thought she thought you were already aware? But that seems unlikely.

I would give her the chance to explain out of respect for the last ten years but unless she has a bloody good reason I'd be calling it a day.

I'm so sorry. I hope things improve very soon.

turnthetoiletpaperroundproperly · 24/04/2023 16:00

I would feel so let down by your friend,Even if she thought you knew she has offered you no support. I understand you must feel very upset and hurt, it would take me some considerable time to get over this, The only mitigating thing I could see if I looked hard enough is that this isnt your friends fault,the initial problem is from the bullying, However I would take it badly,her lack of support, I wouldnt be able to feel anything but let down. I hope you get your son sorted out soon and he can be happy and content at school, I would take a breather from friend and just focus on your son,the rest will either sort itself out with friend or not, Awful situatuation for you and your family to deal with.

Verv · 24/04/2023 16:02

She may have assumed you knew + you havent seen her for a while to tell you?

Roussette · 24/04/2023 16:04

She's no friend. The first thing I would do if my son told me about ones in his class doing this to your son... would be to ring you up and say... is XXXX ok, I've heard that he is being picked on. Is there anything I can do, how can I help you or him.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 24/04/2023 16:06

MXVIT · 24/04/2023 15:56

You're angry at the wrong person here.

100% she will have thought you already knew.

OP can be angry at more than one person. If she 100% thought OP knew then why hasn't she mentioned it once in the whole time its been happening. What a load of bullshit

LoobyLobbyLou · 24/04/2023 16:07

How did she respond when you called her out for not telling you?!

CaroleSinger · 24/04/2023 16:08

You need to ask why she didn't tell you. Chances are she thinks you already knew.

CheezePleeze · 24/04/2023 16:11

OP, this thread isn't going to go anywhere unless you say why she didn't tell you.

I'm surprised you left this crucial bit of info out of your OP.

BellePeppa · 24/04/2023 16:14

I don’t agree with posters on here giving your friend a pass by assuming she thought you knew! I’d be telling my friend immediately I found out and I’d be furious and upset for my friend’s child. She’s let you down big time in my opinion.

Mortimercat · 24/04/2023 16:14

You haven’t seen her for a while, why would she assume you didn’t know?

NotMyDayJob · 24/04/2023 16:15

I'm assuming OP doesn't know why the friend didn't tell her and the friend just mentioned she had in fact known and OP was too shocked to respond adequately at the time.

Even if the friend assumed OP knew, to not even check in to mention in (are you ok? Wanted to make sure you definitely knew etc) is pretty unforgivable

Conkersinautumn · 24/04/2023 16:16

She probably thought you knew but she's no friend if she's never once asked how that situation was going / what was being done / just generally offered her support over it.

Deal with your son and school, let her know that you're too busy due to the massive situation that you've only just found out about from this third party.

Later reflect on whether she's there for you or just uses you to sound out her own problems

Cattycrabing · 24/04/2023 16:17

Not sure I could get over this to be honest op. I have autistic dc and would struggle to speak to a friend again if they did this.

Spiderboy · 24/04/2023 16:19

Does she know your child is very low verbal? I’d be really upset tbh.

Maves · 24/04/2023 16:22

If she's a good friend surely she would have told you as there was a chance you didn't know even if she thought you did! And she surely would have been upset/angry on your behalf. But strange I'd be piseed off not a great friend .

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 24/04/2023 16:23

I would assume that she thought you knew.

I would feel let down she hadnt thought to check in on him / you, but wouldn't end a friendship over it.

TeapotElephant · 24/04/2023 16:25

I’d be with you OP. If I found out someone knew my child was being bullied and said nothing they’d be gone. Even if she did think you knew, she hasn’t exactly been forthcoming with support has she? What did she say when you asked her? My DC are a part of me, it would be like watching me get bullied and saying fuck all. But in a way, worse. Haven’t got time for that.

Spottycarousel · 24/04/2023 16:26

I would feel totally let down by her