to end a 10 year friendship over this?

[MrTiddlesTheCat]

My DS is 6 and has autism. He can talk but mostly doesn't. He goes to mainstream school.

A few weeks ago another parent approached me in the carpark and told me that she had had to intervene when passing through the playground earlier as a group of much older boys were intimidating my DS. She said he looked absolutely terrified and she thought I should know.

I talked to DS and with much coaxing I managed to get the full story out of him. These big boys have been mercilessly bullying him for months. Every single day name calling, pushing, kicking. It's horrfic and I'm so angry. Angry at the kids doing it. Angry at the school for apparently not noticing. Angry at myself.

I met up with a friend yesterday who I haven't seen for a while and I told her about DS and how awful it had all been. And she bloody well already knew. I was so stunned that it didn't really register what she was saying until I got home. Her DS is in the same class as these big boys and had been telling her all along what was happening to my little boy. But she never said anything.

Maybe it's misplaced anger, but I can't help feeling let down by her. She knew my DS was being hurt and chose to do nothing.

AIBU in thinking this crosses a line and this woman is not my friend?

So it's fairly clear that she understood that the school was well aware. I think most of us would assume that if our child told us about something but also confirmed that they had told a teacher, it would be being dealt with. If she hasn't seen you for a while, she's assumed that you were also aware.

Your anger needs to be directed at the school for not ensuring that you were told what was going on (and what they were doing to address it).

What would she have expected of you were her son the victim?

Why on earth would she not raise it with you even as a "so what are school doing?" type conversation, if her own son was bringing it up to her multiple times?

I don't think I would remain friends with her in your shoes.

I am trying to put myself into this so-called friend’s shoes and I can imagine asking my child if they had seen or heard anyone being unkind to the OP’s little boy. And just being angry with the school, sad and keen for this to stop immediately.

I am surprised and a little dismayed tbh by the amount of posters who wouldn’t struggle with this if the OP.

It sounds like she knew her son had been reporting it, so she knew that the teachers knew about it, so she assumed that they would have spoken to you about it.

I voted YANBU but now we know the rest of the story I think you need to be really angry with the school and not her. Your poor DS, this is totally heart breaking, I hope he's ok.

Please please please, do not be angry at or blame yourself. I was the child being mercilessly bullied, to the point i became suicidal, and i did my all to hide it from my parents. My dad would call me during his break at work every day after i got home from school to ask how my day had been, and every day i would choke back tears and pretend to be upbeat and told him my day had been good. They honestly could not have been any more loving, caring and involved, it was everyone else that let me down, never them. I was hiding it out of shame and to protect them from being upset and hurt.

Please don't be hard on yourself, just show your boy how you'll deal with it and he will tell you in the future as he knows he doesn't need to receive that kind of treatment.
I wouldn't do anything rash about your friendship while you're feeling emotional about the situation. Maybe tell her you were a bit upset she didn't tell you and see what she says but if it's not usual form for her then id let it go if she apologies

I think two things are crucial here;

Why haven’t you & her caught up in ages?

And, does is truly know and understand the extent of your son’s diagnosis- and how this makes him especially vulnerable?

Grasping at straws- but unless there is a back story here of you being quite defensive or very private about your child (and she therefore felt unable to broach the subject) or you were not for whatever reason on speaking terms- then I would find it very very hard to understand and forgive any reasons why she would not have told you.
He’s a child, and a more vulnerable child at that. It is the responsibility of adults to advocate for him. Does she in general make poor judgment calls and act without a conscience?!

I think if her son said he had told a teacher, she'd think that they would be dealing with it. I guess she was trying to be tactful not saying anything. Her mistake was in assuming the school were competent which is a forgivable crime, I think.

As someone mentioned above, her son is an ally of your son. He's tried to do the right thing and protect him. I'm sure he will do again. I'd be pragmatic and put this event aside, in the interests of my son.

I think that's where you need to work from. It may be that because she believed a teacher had been told, that it was being dealt with. It may be a little more complex than just her knowing full well your child was being savagely bullied but sitting back saying nothing. Her son assured her that a teacher had been told so she may not have realised it wasn't being dealt with and you didn't know.

I’m shocked that 15% of people on here have voted YABU. I assume they wouldn’t want to know if this was happening to their child?

I'd say she thought you already knew

I would agree with those saying she assumed you knew as her son had been reporting it.
I think it does however demonstrate how shit we can be at getting in touch with our friends, especially if they might be having a hard time....

I don’t think you should blame her. She might not have known how bad it was, she may have thought you knew, she may be good friends with one of the bullies mothers and it was all rather awkward and she was keeping her distance. Either way, I don’t think you should end the friendship.

Honestly she'd be dead to me after this. I'd never acknowledge her existence again, I'm ok with doing that to certain people though. Even if she thought you knew she should have checked. She's no friend 💐

I actually can't believe the amount of people on here making excuses for her, you're all terrible friends. If I found out one of my FRIENDS kids was being bullied I'd reach out to them regardless of whether I thought it was being dealt with. Why would you not, this is a friend and their child. Maybe an acquaintance I'd leave it but not someone you care about 😳

Without a conversation with the friend in question about why she didn't mention it, this is a pointless thread.

Let’s imagine she didn’t tell you and knew you didn’t know - worse case scenario. It’s extremely hard raising a subject of bullying with second hand information. She may not have been sure and didn’t want to cause any trouble if she was mistaken/ her child mistaken. People generally mind their own business unless they are invited to give their opinion.

Calm down this will be sorted out, of course you are upset and worried.

In your place I would ask her going forward to tell you everything she knows. A 10 year friendship is a lot to give up over a misunderstanding.

You don’t think that’s a little extreme?

I can't believe these responses. She should have checked in and made sure you knew. I'd be really upset about that and step back from that friendship.

No. Don't you dare do that to yourself. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this but your wee boy is lucky to have a mum like you.

I agree. We were blindsided by my relative being non-verbal and it just reminded us how, when we become parents, anything can happen, even years down the line after having a healthy baby at birth. Bullying can affect absolutely anyone’s child of course but it’s a particular worst nightmare for those with vulnerable children, especially those who don’t speak so can’t even say it’s happening if they wanted to! It’s like parents have forgotten bullies could easily target their children, even if they don’t currently.

OP days that her friend's son assured her teachers had been told every time. That would be a pretty good indication that OP would know too. In that situation I would also have assumed OP knew.

Ages ago a boy at school was really nasty to DS and made him cry and DS never cries. DS told me nothing about this - it was a one off but I’d have liked to have known. My friend called me and told me everything immediately - her DS told her. That’s what friends do. She could have assumed I knew - maybe she did but she still checked in with me and made sure DS was ok. That was literally the same day!

I would not forgive this going on for weeks and weeks (and this is far worse bullying) and her not even checking in, even if she thought you knew. She wouldn’t be a close friend anymore and I’d distance myself

Being completely honest, no I don't. I wouldn't waste my time with her, if my child was being hurt and she knew for months without saying anything I'd never speak to or acknowledge her existence again 🤷

I am equally shocked that 85% of people voted the other way round without knowing the details. If you have a little bit of imagination, you can think of a million nuances that would put everything in a completely different light.