to end a 10 year friendship over this?

[MrTiddlesTheCat]

My DS is 6 and has autism. He can talk but mostly doesn't. He goes to mainstream school.

A few weeks ago another parent approached me in the carpark and told me that she had had to intervene when passing through the playground earlier as a group of much older boys were intimidating my DS. She said he looked absolutely terrified and she thought I should know.

I talked to DS and with much coaxing I managed to get the full story out of him. These big boys have been mercilessly bullying him for months. Every single day name calling, pushing, kicking. It's horrfic and I'm so angry. Angry at the kids doing it. Angry at the school for apparently not noticing. Angry at myself.

I met up with a friend yesterday who I haven't seen for a while and I told her about DS and how awful it had all been. And she bloody well already knew. I was so stunned that it didn't really register what she was saying until I got home. Her DS is in the same class as these big boys and had been telling her all along what was happening to my little boy. But she never said anything.

Maybe it's misplaced anger, but I can't help feeling let down by her. She knew my DS was being hurt and chose to do nothing.

AIBU in thinking this crosses a line and this woman is not my friend?

Congratulations? So bizarre of you

I've been reported because someone doesn't understand how the internet works and that other countries (with different ways of doing things) exist. 😂

Just FYI I have reported

so very strange… some people have such boring life’s clearly 😂

Why on earth would anyone think this needs reporting?! I'm so confused.

They swim from the last year of KG where I am also and are helped by the school nanny’s to dry off and get changed again. By age 6 they’d be doing it themselves.

Sorry, just to add - the swimming pool is an outdoor one on the school premises.

I know. It’s ridiculous and says so much about them.

Countries where they (for eg) have community schools that follow the UK National Curriculum. Or the French one, the American one, the Finnish one, the IB one or any other one that has an expat and national population who’d be interested in a country specific education for their child.

And you need to back off with your questions. There’s absolutely no need whatsoever to be demonstrating just how little you’re aware of in the wider world.

A quick Google will also tell you that homeschooling is illegal in Cyprus, reception starts at 5-years-old, and schools have a School Governance Committee (SGC) made up of parents and other interested members of the community. Plus they recommend children start aquatic lessons before 5 years of age.

Are you genuinely unaware that other countries have school boards with groups of people/parents whose responsibility it is to oversee the running of their school? I'm actually cringing for you at your complete lack of awareness of how uninformed you are.

Are you aware not all of the UK does?

I'm sorry to hear about your DS and I hope this situation is resolved. I would also feel extremely let down if a friend had known this was happening and not mentioned it to me. But I would at least try to talk to her about it, find out why she didn't say anything, before ending the friendship.

I'm also sorry some people are trying to pick holes in your story, you'd think they'd have something better to do.

@MrTiddlesTheCat don’t waste your time and energy on that person. Just ignore them.

@MrTiddlesTheCat I am so sorry about what happened to your son. Also, your school system sounds amazing--am am curious as to where has such a great program, even though that is not the point of the thread. Please ignore the xenophobia, there seems to be a bit of it around at the moment (waves from Australia)

Don;t throw away the friendship over this. I can understand your anger and let down dissapointment at the actions of your friend. Talk to her and let her know that you are upset she didnt tell you and that had she done so your son could have been helped and supported a lot sooner. Ask her to always let you know in future of even the slightest concerns as you would do for her. Ask for her help / childs help in supporting your child and letting you know of any future issues.
Turn your anger on the school for letting this happen and for so long. I am sure they were aware. I have had a similar situation when my child was age 5 and just started school. He was tied up with rope and pushed and hit to the floor by older boys. My child was told off for rough play, so when I saw the marks on his arms he wouldnt tell me about it and made up an excuse. On later when a friends child told the childminder about what was happening did I find out. I was furious at the school and withdrew my son from education until they sorted it out. They tried to blame my child. I raised a safeguarding concern to the school and followed their safeguarding and behaviour policy. They were forced to address it. I would recommend doing the same. Threaten to contact OFSTED if they dont address it immediately. Say you want to know what action they will be taking to stop it now. Blame the school and perpetrating kids & parents. Get your friend on board with supporting your child - she will be keen to help probably and I suspect feels guilty for not taking action. Good luck ! And hugs for your son x

In this painful situation, you need every one on side you can get, I personally would give it a lot of thought before your say your bit to her
it’s possible she thought you knew ?
does her child hang with the same group of bullies?
she maybe knows her child could get some backlash ,
its easy to drop some one in this situation, but it’s often more complicated.
keep your powder dry at least you have an inside to more information you may need .
hold your hurt , and think long term
my child hid being bullied for years, I was so devastated I didn’t take time to think though the long term fall out .
very best to you

We had another incident on Friday and I am so angry. The head was away and the TAs have utterly fucked up again. They created the situation and facilitated the bullying. So first thing tomorrow I'll be back in being that parent again and I don't care if they hate me for it.

At meal time on Friday the TA made DS sit with one of his bullies. The bullying started. DS got called homophobic, transphobic and just downright nasty names continuously. The TA was sat at the next table and did absolutely nothing. Until DS started telling the bully to stop. At which point DS was the one who got told off. So the bullying carried on and DS was silenced.

Another TA then came in, heard what was being said and dealt with it appropriately. I despair. If the next nearest school wasn't 45 minutes away I'd be moving him.

Might it not be worth travelling the extra 45 minutes? It sounds like this school is utterly useless.

I might have no choice. :(

Awful! The staff doing this must be held to account. I feel for you. You shouldn’t have to change schools, 45 minutes away is a significant commute for the school run.

Who can you go to for justice, this makes me angry on your and your son’s behalf.

Shame on the school, the assistants and all involved. The only good thing (if u could call it good) is that your son is standing up for himself and telling you what’s going on. Having been in a similar situation the only thing I can say is keep a record of everything. Type it out like a diary, it will come in useful. Good luck. X

Do not just go in and be ‘that’ parent….
write a
formal written complaint, hand the head teacher a copy and tell them that the governors will be copied into it…. It doesn’t matter if the bullies mum is one of the governors, they still have to deal with written formal complaints…. Tell the head that
you are going to seek legal advice unless your complaint is dealt with and the bullying stopped! Write in the complaint that you wish to also make a
conplaint about the lunch time assistant that did nothing to stop bullying and actually encouraged it by silencing your child!! Also request in the complaint in writing that your son is kept away from these children at lunch times… he shouldn’t be seated with kids from older year groups anyway!
look up and quote their own bullying policy to them!! (They love that!!)

Please do not just go in tomorrow and verbally moan, I’ve learnt from experience that generally fuck all gets done till it’s a formal complaint in writing!
my daughter was bullied relentlessly for 2 whole terms… I was in the school everyday moaning and begging for help…. Eventually I was so pissed off and daughters attendance was at 50%… she was so anxious she was making herself ill to stay home … the anxiety caused her to develop real conditions brought on by stress… I put a complaint in writing and insisted on a meeting with the head… I stated I wanted a meeting with her and would not be fobbed of with head of years etc…. I got a call that day… a meeting in the same week…. Was told ‘now that you’ve actually made an official complaint we can get all the teachers, lunchtime assistants etc to keep an eye out for this bullying’…. I don’t know what happened regarding words had with the kid doing the bullying but my daughter went back after the Easter holidays and the bully kept well away from her! Of course she moved onto someone else as bullies often do but she now won’t look either me or my daughter in the eye which is absolutely fine with me!
I’d rather be that mum that kids know won’t stand for it. We have to fight for our kids and I no longer care if teachers don’t like me…. If they do their jobs properly We’d have literally no need to complain!

I've already put in a formal written complaint to the governors. We had a meeting with the headteacher and the chair of the board and a plan was put in place to address the issue. I thought the plan was working.

I also know from the conversation I had with my 'friend' that the other governors are unaware that a formal complaint has been received. The governance is a mess and I can't imagine it will go down well if I take the next step of submitting a formal complaint to the inspectorate.

The only thing that stops me completely losing my mind is the fact that these little shits are all in year six so we only have to make it to end of term. But that's an absolute cop out for the school.

How many weeks is it to the end of term? I'd consider taking him out and home schooling or allowing him the opportunity to carry out his studies from home.

I'd write a letter to the head teacher, the board of management/Governors, the LEA and anyone else who might might consider raising an issue because you've decided to remove your child from an unsafe environment where his education was negatively impacted due to sustained bullying and inaction from the staff. You will not be accepting any fines for removing your child from this environment.

In the meantime I'd be contacting any other school that may have a space for him and trying to get him into a completely new school. New start and all that.