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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to end a 10 year friendship over this?

282 replies

MrTiddlesTheCat · 24/04/2023 15:53

My DS is 6 and has autism. He can talk but mostly doesn't. He goes to mainstream school.

A few weeks ago another parent approached me in the carpark and told me that she had had to intervene when passing through the playground earlier as a group of much older boys were intimidating my DS. She said he looked absolutely terrified and she thought I should know.

I talked to DS and with much coaxing I managed to get the full story out of him. These big boys have been mercilessly bullying him for months. Every single day name calling, pushing, kicking. It's horrfic and I'm so angry. Angry at the kids doing it. Angry at the school for apparently not noticing. Angry at myself.

I met up with a friend yesterday who I haven't seen for a while and I told her about DS and how awful it had all been. And she bloody well already knew. I was so stunned that it didn't really register what she was saying until I got home. Her DS is in the same class as these big boys and had been telling her all along what was happening to my little boy. But she never said anything.

Maybe it's misplaced anger, but I can't help feeling let down by her. She knew my DS was being hurt and chose to do nothing.

AIBU in thinking this crosses a line and this woman is not my friend?

OP posts:
JMSA · 24/04/2023 16:53

Och, your poor wee guy. I feel heart sorry for him ... and you.
Those bastarding bullies are scum.
I'd be really disappointed and upset by your friend too.

Original poster
MrTiddlesTheCat · 24/04/2023 16:53

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 24/04/2023 16:37

I need her actual words as that should indicate whether she thought your DS has already told you.

You can't "end the friendship" without being a bit unreasonable, if that's the reason she didn't say anything.

I can't remember the actual words but we were talking about it. I was in tears because it's so painful to feel so helpless because I didn't know it was happening. I said something about how I don't believe the school didn't know and she said something like, no she didn't believe either because every time her DS brought up the bullying he mentioned that he'd told a teacher what was happening. And then she asked what the school was doing so the conversation moved on.

OP posts:
Vexar · 24/04/2023 16:54

I understand how you feel. Fairly or unfairly, I wouldn't want to be friends after that.

Arightoldcarryabag · 24/04/2023 16:57

I'd feel let down, but whatever you're feeling it seems totally proportional to the hurt caused to me. I like to give benefit of the doubt so I'd not cut a friend off over something like this but if trust isn't there and that was important to you, that's reasonable.

This is really upsetting and I hope the head was shitting it when your Mum/MIL or whatever relation they are sat with you, they deserve to spend some time with anxiety over this.
Bullying is very very rarely dealt with appropriately unfortunately.

NotMyDayJob · 24/04/2023 16:57

TwoFluffyDogsOnMyBed · 24/04/2023 16:43

I can believe that people are making excuses for this woman. She knows your little boy is autistic and even if she did think that you already knew, she should have said something anyway just in case. I’m so sorry. I have an autistic son too and you must feel heartbroken. Please don’t blame yourself - how could you possibly have known?

1000 times this. What right thinking person wouldn't say something just in case?

Are you all just blindly assuming you don't need to talk to your friends because you assume other agencies are taking care of things? With friends like that, who needs enemies.

lovenotwar149 · 24/04/2023 16:57

I'd ditch her

mexicanandafewdrinks · 24/04/2023 16:57

if you were in tears, and she thought you knew, she would have said "I'm so sorry I thought you'd be aware"
you are absolutely not being unreasonable. you have every right to be upset and angry. I think if you feel up to it and like speaking with her, it would be good for you to approach why she didn't mention it before, but I dont think anyone in your position would want to remain friends after this.
the other parent that stepped in sounds lovely, probably a much better friend too.

Whoknewwhat · 24/04/2023 16:58

I would expect a friend to raise this, to make sure I knew and was able to advocate for my son. I don’t think I could see a friend in the same light for not telling me. I don’t think I could be friends with them. If your friend’s kid is being bullied relying on a lazy assumption of ‘ ‘Oh x must know already, I don’t need to take the trouble to tell her’. Is just not good enough. Because if you are wrong the consequences for the bullied child are so awful.

BaconMassive · 24/04/2023 17:00

Could just be that she didn't put two and two together until she saw it for her own eyes. Sometimes kids tell you things in passing and the severity doesn't really register until you see it yourself then it makes sense and then she told you.

So possibly she could have been more proactive but then again, lots of people in the scenario could have picked up on it earlier.

SapatSea · 24/04/2023 17:02

She's a crap friend. Any decent friens would phone and say you may already know this but.... and tell you. You wouldn't just assume. She probably didn't want her own Ds being drawn in and the head bringing him in to confirm what he had told his mum and maybe the "big boys" finding out and then picking on him. IME schools don't handle bullying at all well or protect those who speak out (or even want to know or inform parents about it).

AskMeMore · 24/04/2023 17:03

Nordicrain · 24/04/2023 15:55

She must have assumed you knew and that you didn't bring it up because you didn't want to talk about it. I think you hit the nail on the head, this is misplaced anger.

I agree with this. If she is a generally nice person do not assume she maliciously kept it from you.

Isthatyourname · 24/04/2023 17:04

If I were her I would have contacted you to check if you were aware and make sure your son is ok!!! Even if I thought you ‘already knew’ I’d still check in!

SusiePevensie · 24/04/2023 17:08

Not good. I'd be more concerned by what the actual fuck the school are doing.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 24/04/2023 17:09

MrTiddlesTheCat · 24/04/2023 16:53

I can't remember the actual words but we were talking about it. I was in tears because it's so painful to feel so helpless because I didn't know it was happening. I said something about how I don't believe the school didn't know and she said something like, no she didn't believe either because every time her DS brought up the bullying he mentioned that he'd told a teacher what was happening. And then she asked what the school was doing so the conversation moved on.

Show quote history

Ah, in that case definitely ask her why she didn't tell you!

Skybluepinky · 24/04/2023 17:10

She assumed u knew, u r angry at the wrong person.
Sound like u need to find a more suitable school, as this one is not meeting his needs.

Boomboom22 · 24/04/2023 17:14

That is very useful info. The school should have a record of this boy telling his teacher and it going upwards to dsl every time.

Tbf to her if her boy did report every time she wouldn't tell the school herself too, she knows they know and would expect them to ca you every time. Maybe I'd ask why she didn't say anything but I think maybe she'll be mortified once she knows the school have not followed up.

It's inadequate already for that and ofsted should be on it.

Blondewithredlips · 24/04/2023 17:14

I am so sorry this has happened. It would be the end of the friendship for me.

Weallgottachangesometime · 24/04/2023 17:15

Why on earth didn’t she at least mention it? id be very annoyed too.

Maybe you need to just have a break for a few weeks and decide what to do about the friendship when things have calmed.

I suppose she could have assumed you knew…or just be very thoughtless. I’m not sure if I could forgive her not saying anything, but I suppose if she had been an otherwise very good friend then you would want to try to forgive.

Also it’s not her fault that the bullying is happening, so although I would be annoyed with their friend, most of my anger would be at the school and the children involved.

DarkDarkNight · 24/04/2023 17:15

No that’s awful. She should have told you in case you didn’t know or if she thought you did know she should have asked how your son was doing.

pilates · 24/04/2023 17:16

I can understand why you’re upset and angry. It reminds me of a time I told a girl’s mother in my DD’s class that she was being bullied. I didn’t know the mum particularly well but I thought she had a right to know. I am so glad I did, the school stepped in and it was dealt with. I couldn’t have that on my conscience imagine if she started self-harming or worse. So I would damn well would expect a friend to tell.

comingintomyown · 24/04/2023 17:16

That would really really upset me too but don’t wield the axe too soon maybe talk to her before deciding? Sorry you are dealing with this I hope it gets sorted out soon so upsetting 💐

MouseMinge · 24/04/2023 17:17

So her little boy has more awareness than his mother. He reported it and told her about it and she didn't even bother to get in touch to either make sure that you knew or to ask if you were okay. That's not a friend.

The excuses being made for her are ridiculous. You're not angry at the wrong person, you're angry at a whole group of people who've let you down in one way or another. I would maybe have a word with her and ask why she didn't talk to you about it, but if you don't feel up to that and just want to cut ties I'd think that was absolutely reasonable. I'm so sorry your poor wee boy has had to go through this. It's horrible and the school have completely failed him.

phishfoodforlife · 24/04/2023 17:18

It sounds from your update that she assumed you knew as it had been reported to teachers.

At worst, maybe she's guilty of not checking in with you about it but maybe she was waiting for you to mention it if you wanted to talk about it.

Blondewithredlips · 24/04/2023 17:18

comingintomyown · 24/04/2023 17:16

That would really really upset me too but don’t wield the axe too soon maybe talk to her before deciding? Sorry you are dealing with this I hope it gets sorted out soon so upsetting 💐

It is a nice thought but this woman has failed as a friend on so many levels.

TheOGCCL · 24/04/2023 17:19

Taking the scenario she didn't think you knew, how did she drop this information? If it was very casual then that does more imply she thought you already knew, since most people would be treading carefully rather than just coming straight out with it.