to end a 10 year friendship over this?

[MrTiddlesTheCat]

My DS is 6 and has autism. He can talk but mostly doesn't. He goes to mainstream school.

A few weeks ago another parent approached me in the carpark and told me that she had had to intervene when passing through the playground earlier as a group of much older boys were intimidating my DS. She said he looked absolutely terrified and she thought I should know.

I talked to DS and with much coaxing I managed to get the full story out of him. These big boys have been mercilessly bullying him for months. Every single day name calling, pushing, kicking. It's horrfic and I'm so angry. Angry at the kids doing it. Angry at the school for apparently not noticing. Angry at myself.

I met up with a friend yesterday who I haven't seen for a while and I told her about DS and how awful it had all been. And she bloody well already knew. I was so stunned that it didn't really register what she was saying until I got home. Her DS is in the same class as these big boys and had been telling her all along what was happening to my little boy. But she never said anything.

Maybe it's misplaced anger, but I can't help feeling let down by her. She knew my DS was being hurt and chose to do nothing.

AIBU in thinking this crosses a line and this woman is not my friend?

Bloody hell! I can see why so many on MN have few friends.
If you expect impossibly high standards from friends they will let you down.
The teacher knew about this, of course she will have assumed you know. She was being discrete not mentioning it as it is none of her business.

She'll have assumed you knew, and you LO will have at least said something.

She can't be a bad person if she's been encouraging her DS to tell the teacher what was happening.

Don't throw away a friendship because she assumed. She really could be a friend you need one day.

Unacceptable that your friend didn’t tell you.

I’m going to advise you do something a bit different.

Your friend’s son told her what was going on. He himself did not intervene which is sad (he may be intimidated by the large group of boys too even though he’s same age), but he at least told his mother, assuming she’d tell you and the bullying would get stopped. But she didn’t tell you.

This is what I’d do. I’d tell friend that you are touched that her son let her know what was happening to your son. Don’t mention the elephant in the room i.e. that she didn’t then tell you. Just say you were touched that her son was looking out for your little boy and that you are grateful that your friend let you know that (after the fact but anyway). Then say you’re going to speak to the school as you’ve had that other parent notice the bullying too (that will take pressure off your friend who apparently didn’t want to get involved), and say casually to let you know if her son happens to see it happen again, thank you so much, and crucially you tell her you’d never mention her son’s name or anything to anyone or the school (because she may be concerned that her own son would then get bullied, you have to think about it from her (cowardly) perspective).

This way, she won’t feel ‘blamed’ for her atrocious non action. And in fact will feel as if she’s been helpful. Build on that. But obviously don’t count on her letting you know anything BUT she might now that she knows the ‘information’ isn’t coming just from her and she won’t have to get involved nor her son. This could end up strengthening your friendship, with this friend possibly developing a bit of integrity going forward. (If she didn’t say anything because of malice, then all bets are off of course but we’re going to first find out if she was just afraid and didn’t want to get herself and her son involved).

That group of big bullies have been getting away with their hateful despicable behavior so you will want to handle this delicately. Their parents may be “somebodies” in the community and have connections and even power positions career wise etc and that’s why their bully children do what they want so keep that in mind.

I’d let the school know that several Good Samaritan (yes I’d make a point to call them that) parents have noticed them bullying and terrorizing your son and you’d like to know what you can do to help your son and if there’s anything the school can do (like open their eyes and do their jobs 🙄), say this very calmly in a non-blaming manner even though they are 100% despicable in letting this go on. But to cement them as enemies will not help you or your son so keep all contact with them very polite and measured. Privately speak to a lawyer to see what legal options you may have if any, but don’t tell anyone this because it could get back to the school and negate any progress you’re making with them. It is just good to be prepared just in case, and it will help you in your conversations with the school if you already know in your own mind where you stand.

Lastly, as I suggested in earlier comment, I’d cultivate a friendship with the parent who intervened, helped your son, then came to you and told you what was happening. That woman is your friend. I’d thank her again and keep her up to date on progress made. Appreciate that she could be the ally you and your son need. What a great friend she’d be to you. Look how she responded compared to your so called friend of ten years and the pathetic school staff.

I'm mostly angry at myself. I missed the flags.

Maybe she thought you knew and was waiting for you to bring it up? More context needed.

Same.

I think she probably presumed you knew. She's a bit shit for not offering support, but the fact the school obviously know about it is SO much worse than your friend who didn't tell you.

Your friend (wrongly probably assumed you knew.) the school on the other hand, who have a responsibility to have your son SAFE whilst at education, have failed massively here. Your son isn't in your friends care. He's in the schools.

I'd be going off my nut at that school. They've really let your boy down.

Unforgivable. I have a non-verbal relative and this has always been our fear which will be shared by anyone with a relative who is vulnerable. A friend would understand this and empathise and check in with their friend about what is actually being done, ask how things are etc. No excuses as far as I’m concerned.

I am so sorry to hear this. I really hope it has stopped.

Ah, I see that the ‘friend’s’ son also told a teacher.

Op, you have two allies. You have an ally in the parent who intervened and told you, and you have an ally in the son of the so-called ‘friend’. Be sure if you come across him at school, to discreetly tell him thank you for looking out for your son.

What things do you think you missed?

What an absolute b! Misplaced anger or not - because she didn’t inform you, there was nothing you could do. Argh. I hate her for you! My son is also autistic and this just feels heartbreaking. Don’t blame yourself at all. She’s no friends of yours. I can imagine you’re now wanting to go back in time and have the conversation with her again. Unfortunately for me there’d be no coming back from this.

Can I just say that even though she may have failed in passing on the info, her DS sounds very caring for your DS, persistently trying to get the school involved with the means he had at his disposal

Are you sure that she knew you didn't know, though? Sounds from your latest post like her son told her that he was reporting it to the teacher repeatedly. Against that backdrop its possible it didn't even occur to her that the neither the school nor your own DS had told you. She may have assumed you knew and thought she was sensitive by not bringing it up unless you did.

In answer to your original post, yes, I think you are (or at least may be) transferring some of your totally understandable anger into the wrong target.

🤢

Did she definitely know that you know?

Wait sorry wrong way round, did she definitely know you didn’t know!

So the school did know. She probably assumed then that the school would have contacted you, which they should have done, then because you never brought it up with her she maybe thought you wanted to keep it private. Ask her.

It doesn’t matter if she thought you knew. A good friend would be checking in on you and your son.

So basically, yes she’s a crap friend but the school? Utterly appalling that this has being going on and reported and they’ve done nothing. I hope you’ve been in and had serious words? A sniff of bullying at our school and it’s a suspension. And guess what? There’s little to no bullying. Schools cannot ignore this and Ofsted would come down very hard. I’d be kicking up the hugest fuss.

And yes I’d distance myself from this friend and I’d tell her why.

For the sake of your son, don’t end it with your friend. Her son sounds like a good person for your son to have as an ally, as he spoke up about the bullying. You don’t want her son to stop doing that.

Blame the bullies and the school.

I said something about how I don't believe the school didn't know and she said something like, no she didn't believe either because every time her DS brought up the bullying he mentioned that he'd told a teacher what was happening. And then she asked what the school was doing so the conversation moved on.

I voted YANBU but I change my mind as it sounds like she thought you knew!

I would be more angry at the school who were aware and didn’t let you know or take it seriously enough to stop it!

hold on to the fact that your friend's boy has been telling teachers and that that parent intervened: you and your son are not alone.