to end a 10 year friendship over this?

[MrTiddlesTheCat]

My DS is 6 and has autism. He can talk but mostly doesn't. He goes to mainstream school.

A few weeks ago another parent approached me in the carpark and told me that she had had to intervene when passing through the playground earlier as a group of much older boys were intimidating my DS. She said he looked absolutely terrified and she thought I should know.

I talked to DS and with much coaxing I managed to get the full story out of him. These big boys have been mercilessly bullying him for months. Every single day name calling, pushing, kicking. It's horrfic and I'm so angry. Angry at the kids doing it. Angry at the school for apparently not noticing. Angry at myself.

I met up with a friend yesterday who I haven't seen for a while and I told her about DS and how awful it had all been. And she bloody well already knew. I was so stunned that it didn't really register what she was saying until I got home. Her DS is in the same class as these big boys and had been telling her all along what was happening to my little boy. But she never said anything.

Maybe it's misplaced anger, but I can't help feeling let down by her. She knew my DS was being hurt and chose to do nothing.

AIBU in thinking this crosses a line and this woman is not my friend?

She may have assumed op know but she certainly didn’t know op knew because op didn’t know. I would struggle with this too op.

I would feel let down but you need to know facts - did she think you already knew? If not, did you ask her why she never said anything? It would all depend on what she said as to how to move on. Don’t end a 10 year friendship without facts first as it may not be what you think hopefully.

This is a massive failure from the school. "These big boys have been mercilessly bullying him for months. Every single day name calling, pushing, kicking." How was this not noticed by the school? Another parent had to intervene, so it was clearly visible.

Not a friend but a woman I am vaguely friendly with on school run... stopped to ask me how DS was after an altercation with another adult. it had been the talk of the town and I thought she was being kind. Until she said, "Yeah, it was terrifying. I wasn't getting involved because that woman (who was attacking DS) scares me". I didn't really know what to say to her after that and I've never looked at her the same afterwards.

OP - I suspect that in the moment you didn't think to say, "why the hell didn't you say something" but if she's a good friend, I'd ask her (nicely) and see what she says.If she's more of an aquaintence, I'd be inclined to just let that one go.

I haven't asked her yet why she didn't tell me. I didn't ask her at the time as it was one unguarded comment in a big conversation which went by so quickly. It was only afterwards that I realised that it meant she knew.

I need her actual words as that should indicate whether she thought your DS has already told you.

You can't "end the friendship" without being a bit unreasonable, if that's the reason she didn't say anything.

Unforgivable. Your little boy ☹️

Your friend is the woman who intervened, helped your son, then told you what was going on. I would seek her out and cultivate a friendship with her.

I would definitely ask the person you’ve been friends with for ten years why she didn’t say something, anything, to you. That way you can evaluate her reasoning. But it’s very difficult to imagine any scenario in which her not saying anything is acceptable.

I think they did know, at least some of them. I think the fact that DS never said anything and I didn't know meant it was easier to ignore it than deal with it. But trust me, it damn well won't happen to my child again. If you're going to turn a blind eye to bullying best not do so when the child in question's granny is a senior school inspector. The head was shitting himself when she came along to support me.

You may feel let down by her but she may well have thought you knew.

How would ending the friendship help your poor little boy? If the school are so useless that the didn't notice or do anything about it you are going to need all the support you can get. Her son seems to know all about what goes on and could be key to you keeping an eye on the situation.

I think she would have assumed you and/or teachers knew.

My children tell me all sorts of things that happen at school. I just always generally assume the teachers at least, know and it's being dealt with.

Don't be too hard on your friend until you know all the facts. She likely assumed you knew and has her own busy mum life to be managing ...

YANBU to be upset & I suspect (as PP has said) she thought you knew. If I were in your shoes I'd cut ties with her though. If this had been going on for months, why hadn't she told you sooner?!

You must ask the old friend why she didn't mention it to you, but you must tell her how upset you are that she just (as it seems) accepted it as normal without taking any action or checking with you.
I feel so sad for your boy and you

I can believe that people are making excuses for this woman. She knows your little boy is autistic and even if she did think that you already knew, she should have said something anyway just in case. I’m so sorry. I have an autistic son too and you must feel heartbroken. Please don’t blame yourself - how could you possibly have known?

But you're asking Mumsnet if you should end a 10 year friendship?

I think you need to ask her before asking anyone else.

Nah that poor excuse doesn’t wash with me at all.

Absolutely this.

Even if she assumed you knew, she should have made sure. Even if it was just a text saying "Tom says Adam had a bit of trouble with Callum today, hope hes ok xx"

Send this text

I have been reflecting on our conversation and I just can’t understand why you didn’t tell me that Adam was being bullied. As I am sure you can understand I am very upset that he has been suffering for so long without anyone stepping in the protect him. I will ofcourse be speaking to the school about what they knew and what they will now do, but help me understand why you didn’t say anything.

Surely if the friend thought she knew, she would have said something like "oh my god, I'm so sorry, I thought you knew! How awful!" and the OP would not be posting?

I’ve been in exactly this situation, a parent turned up on my doorstep to tell me their kid had told them my kid was getting bullied. They were basically a stranger to me but they wanted to make sure I knew. When I mentioned it to other parents (because I was explaining why I was waiting to speak to the teacher) they thought it was “boys being boys”. Honestly I felt sick that all these people were complicit in my kid being bullied.

You’re kind of gaslighting the OP here. No one’s life is too busy that they have an excuse to ignore a little boy being physically abused and bullies like this.

Unfortunately teachers don’t seem to take any notice until a parent has had enough and refuses to send in their child. And then just when you think they might help, no they don’t - they just insist you keep sending in your child because they’re always better off at school. They do it for the school’s benefit because ‘attendance figures’. They often have the cheek to blame the parent for stuff that’s happening at school!

Let down completely. Shitty behaviour from her op, and yes I absolutely would ask her why she didn’t tell you.

12 months or so ago I found out my DS (13) had been vaping. I confided in a friend and she laughed, saying she’d known for ages as her son had told her. I called her out, she didn’t know what to say expect she thought I’d be ‘chill’ about it 🤣

Yeah….off you fuck love!

It’s why the little independent schools are full of autistic kids. Or they’re homeschooled.

I reckon she knew you didn’t know but I also think you have to ask her why she never said. It’s as simple as that.

I don't think I would be able to speak civilly t this person again as long as I lived if this were my child being bullied.

Yes - she may have thought that you knew, but it wouldn't have hurt to mention it to a) check (because children rarely tell their parents they are being bullied, for some reason) and b) show a bit of solidarity.

She's a real cowbag. Even if it wasn't a friend's child, I would warn a parent if I found out something like this. It's horrible.