to end a 10 year friendship over this?

[MrTiddlesTheCat]

My DS is 6 and has autism. He can talk but mostly doesn't. He goes to mainstream school.

A few weeks ago another parent approached me in the carpark and told me that she had had to intervene when passing through the playground earlier as a group of much older boys were intimidating my DS. She said he looked absolutely terrified and she thought I should know.

I talked to DS and with much coaxing I managed to get the full story out of him. These big boys have been mercilessly bullying him for months. Every single day name calling, pushing, kicking. It's horrfic and I'm so angry. Angry at the kids doing it. Angry at the school for apparently not noticing. Angry at myself.

I met up with a friend yesterday who I haven't seen for a while and I told her about DS and how awful it had all been. And she bloody well already knew. I was so stunned that it didn't really register what she was saying until I got home. Her DS is in the same class as these big boys and had been telling her all along what was happening to my little boy. But she never said anything.

Maybe it's misplaced anger, but I can't help feeling let down by her. She knew my DS was being hurt and chose to do nothing.

AIBU in thinking this crosses a line and this woman is not my friend?

Life’s too short to waste time on friends like that - I’d concentrate on the school which doesn’t sound great

Sounds like she was ok with your DS being bullied because otherwise it could have been her DS being bullied.

Either she’s sly or she’s a coward. Either way, she’s no friend.

I would ask her when you’re a bit calmer, so you can fully understand what has gone on and hear her answers, I would absolutely need to know the extent of what she knew and why she didn’t say anything.

The only way this is even marginally forgivable is if she thought you knew (although I don’t know how that would happen, seeing as you’ve never had a conversation about it).

Im so sorry for your DS, I hope the little buggers responsible get a rollicking and as for the school, give them hell! Made me so angry reading this, if your friend knew and never said, I’d find it hard to forgive that.

Sounds like she was ok with your DS being bullied because otherwise it could have been her DS being bullied.

Does it? How?

Your poor boy.

I have one with ASD, had to pull him out of our first primary school for similar because the school were fucking useless.

Start from the POV that friend is a decent person who assumed you knew but didn't like to pry. Not everyone wants to have their nose in others family business. I'd call friend and tell her you are putting a written complaint in to school to trigger their bullying policy in case you need to escalate to governors. Tell her you are trying to put a detailed timeline together, she knows DS is non-verbal so you need her help. Can she tell you more specifics about her son's comments, the who and where of it all and when it started/how long she's known about it). You should do all this anyway if you haven't already. If she helps and gives loads of info brilliant, if she doesn't want to get involved you have your answer, she's not your friend. It may be best to downgrade the friendship & shunt her into your acquaintance pile for now if you are miffed but her DS has been looking out for your boy, reporting to teachers and telling his parent, he's a good egg and has inherited that quality from his parent.

I would feel let down if my friend knew my DC was bullied and not mention it to me. Your poor DS. It is heart breaking. I hope the bullying is stopped and he will be happy at school.

The same happened to my DD when she was 6. An older child was bullying my DD at break/lunch times. The child was in Year 6, so around 10/11. Old enough to know it is wrong. My DD started to cry, wet the bed, get upset when having to go to school. It was unlike her so I knew something was happening. I spoke to the school but they said they hadn't notice anything going on. After coaxing my DD she told me what was happening. It was going on for 3 months. This older child was bullying her at break times. Pushing, slapping, sticking her leg out when my DD walked past so she would fall. I went back into the school and the head teacher said, she will speak to the child and have someone on the playground. The final straw was when I had a phone call as my DD was distressed and can I go in to collect her. It turned out this child had taken my DD to another part of the playground and tried to suffocated her. It was awful and I felt so sad that this was happening and guilty as a mum I wasn't protecting her when she needed me. I thought the school would stop the bullying. I moved my DD to another primary school, their and then. It was the best decision I made and after a few months of her new school, my DD was back to herself. The one thing I notice was the new school was brilliant with dealing with bullying not like the last school. She is 16 now and a happy teenager. I hope all will be ok, OP.

According to your update, she thought that the school knew. She probably didn't feel she could bring it up with you, most people would assume that the teacher would have told you by now. So YABU to end the friendship.

I think you shouldn't do anything rash because you're bound to feel upset. It sounds like her son was sticking up for and looking out for your boy. I don't think you should rush to cut that off. She brought up what sounds like a decent child - going to the teacher and trying to help your son. In which case it is likely she is also a decent person and something went wrong in terms of communication or assumptions somewhere along the lines. Are you sure for example she didn't ask her son after finding out from you and was talking about her son saying something to her after she found out from you? She could have asked him and him told her then and about how he had told the teacher? He might have done the right thing in telling the teacher but not told his mum at the time but later.

Make very sure you know what actually happened before you go in all guns blazing on something that could be a case of getting wires crossed. Even if she did mess up or didn't tell you quick enough, immediately cutting someone off is not necessarily the answer. It sounds like her child is very decent and she's trying to support you now and it sounds like your child needs other children looking out for him also in the future, like this child was trying to do in telling the teacher about what was going on. Also it's important to find out if perhaps your son told the other child not to tell anyone. Sometimes children can have these strict codes and when so small won't know what they should or shouldn't be doing or who they should or shouldn't be telling. I would think hard before cutting her off for one comment that you haven't got any information about.

I'll probably get slated for drip feeding now, but I didn't want to say too much in my OP as I think it is quite outing but friend (who I now realise is aquaintance rather than actual friend) is one of the governors. She told me yesterday that the parent of the ringleader in the bully group is also a governor. I'm autistic myself and am often oblivious to the politics going on around me in society like this.

It's horrendous isn't it. You do your best but the guilt still eats you up.

Well there is your answer!

a) She is just an acquaintance, not obliged to tell you anything

b) She is a school governor, and I imagine she needs to remain neutral.

I have no idea why schools appoint parents as governors. It’s a conflict of interest.

No, she doesn’t have to remain neutral when she’s aware a child is being bullied

I assume she thought you knew?

Because she sounds like a cunt?

If it reaches the board, as a complaint she will have to remain neutral.

But she did nothing. She was not forbidden to tell OP what was happening.

OP the bullying and the friend issue are awful but it also looks like now is the right time to reconsider his schooling.

It sound like your son is disabled by his differences. Today is a big red flag that this school isn’t the right one for him and his current needs would be better met in a Specialist school who can help him develop his communication and social skills.

I think you’re being unfair about the vaping. I know that a friend’s teenage daughter vapes. My DS has told me and I’ve seen her. My friend has big problems with her daughter , who actually ran away from home for a while, and has only just come back. I’m not going to stick the knife in by telling her she vapes too.

well I'm not going to slate you, you've posted asking for help not a bollocking.

Friend is a governor so she's not allowed to talk about it, officially anyway. That puts it in a different light, but the school has a bullying policy, its there for you to use not for them to subvert or hide behind (although some of them do). Go back to her & ask her for detailed specifics because you want a timeline and your DS cannot talk. School has a duty of care, if they know something about your DS you have to be given that information. Keep your powder dry.

The bully's parent being a governor makes no difference, if this matter is raised in meetings she has a conflict of interest and shouldn't be present while its discussed.

Are you saying that she didn't tell you because she's chums with the bully's parent?

Yes this a hundred times.

If the friend’s son said he’d told the teacher each time, then I think it’s reasonable for the friend to assume you knew. She’d assume that since the teachers knew, you’d have been involved in conversations about it. It’s the school at fault here, not your friend. I think your anger is misplaced.

With your update I think you need to move on and direct your anger at the school.
They have been made aware multiple times your DS is being bullied. Teachers have been told. Governors know. And they allowed it to continue. Honestly? I’d remove him. Some schools are brilliant with bullying others are terrible.

And if she’s just an acquaintance then she’s not a friend of 10 years whose friendship you’re throwing away is she? She’s just an acquaintance.

I think now your anger is misplaced and you need to deal with the school. Have you yet?

Whether she knew or not, isn't the issue. She should have reached out to see if DS and you were okay.