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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to visiting inlaws so often

234 replies

PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 07:53

Dh and I have a baby who is 6 months old. The inlaws have been visiting to see our baby every other weekend but now dh wants us to visit them every other weekend instead. His reasoning is that he wants our baby to get used to the car journey. They live 45 mins away.

Back story: we have been together for 14 years. I felt like dh used to emotionally blackmail me into visiting them every weekend when we first got together. This lasted about 10 years! I don't have any family and so I agreed but resented it. Imagine having no weekends to yourself for years! And it was never just popping in for tea, it was always a whole day thing. I did say a lot that I didn't want to go and for him to go by himself, but he wouldn't. It was either I go with him or he wouldn't go at all. I was frightened of being seen as coming between him and his family hence why I reluctantly agreed.

Since covid and now having a baby, I haven't had to go over. I don't mind them coming to us but I don't want to go there. My first thought was to alternate so they come here and then we go there but I don't even want to do that! I feel like I'm being a child stamping their foot. So please tell me if I am!

I'm thinking of saying I will go once every 3 months but is that horrible of me? Aibu to suggest that?

OP posts:
mischlerischler · 24/04/2023 07:55

YANBU - I think your suggestion to alternate is fair!

Also I think your DH should visit his parents on his own too. What's his reasoning for not going without you?

Shortpoet · 24/04/2023 07:56

Why won’t he go without you?

What are his parents like when you are there?

Hiddenvoice · 24/04/2023 07:56

Sorry but I think you’re being a little unreasonable. You should compromise with him and go every second weekend but for half a day at the most. He is right about getting the baby used to the car as it will be helpful in the long run. Also half a day doesn’t take up the full weekend and it’s nice for family to get to know the baby more incase you need childcare one day.

If you don’t have any family then is this the only family that your baby has? If so then it’s good for the baby to be around other adults and become familiar with them. Also by going to their house you can use the excuse of the baby needs a nap etc so you need to head off. Plan things for the afternoon or the morning so you don’t have to spend the full day there.

ViviPru · 24/04/2023 07:57

When you’re there are they generally pleasant? Host thoughtfully? You’re made comfortable?

Once a month sounds like a reasonable compromise under these circumstances?

Original poster
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 07:58

His reasoning was that he just doesn't want to spend the day away from me but he will spend the day away from me doing his hobbies so it doesn't make sense!

Oh I meant to add, I'm happy for him to take our baby there by himself but I don't want to go to.

OP posts:
cpphelp · 24/04/2023 07:58

@ViviPru - once a month? When you're a grandparent, would you be happy with only seeing your grandchild and son 12 times a year?

PineappleLatte · 24/04/2023 07:58

Hiddenvoice · 24/04/2023 07:56

Sorry but I think you’re being a little unreasonable. You should compromise with him and go every second weekend but for half a day at the most. He is right about getting the baby used to the car as it will be helpful in the long run. Also half a day doesn’t take up the full weekend and it’s nice for family to get to know the baby more incase you need childcare one day.

If you don’t have any family then is this the only family that your baby has? If so then it’s good for the baby to be around other adults and become familiar with them. Also by going to their house you can use the excuse of the baby needs a nap etc so you need to head off. Plan things for the afternoon or the morning so you don’t have to spend the full day there.

Surely a fair compromise would be for ILs to alternate who drives every fortnight, and then OP does 50% of the trips where they are driving to in laws?

Personally I think even every fortnight would be too much, especially for a whole day at a time.

SBHon · 24/04/2023 07:59

There’s a halfway point between once every other weekend and once every 3 months. That’s quite a leap. How about once a month?

He could take her without you for most of them and you just go along when you want to?

mischlerischler · 24/04/2023 08:00

PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 07:58

His reasoning was that he just doesn't want to spend the day away from me but he will spend the day away from me doing his hobbies so it doesn't make sense!

Oh I meant to add, I'm happy for him to take our baby there by himself but I don't want to go to.

I think in this case he is being unreasonable. If you are fine with him taking the baby on his own then I don't see why you should be expected to go every time.

I would still make an effort to join them once per month or so, but you shouldn't feel pressured to go all the time if he is capable of going on his own.

moonspiral · 24/04/2023 08:00

I think every other weekend and alternating you go there they come to you if they are able sounds fair. I mean if you really don't want to go to theirs he can go by himself. And it doesn't have to be a whole day or a whole weekend.

BartsLongLostBro · 24/04/2023 08:00

Agh , yanbu at all!!!! Poor you

Original poster
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 08:00

They can come to us as often as they want and he can take our baby to see them whenever. But yes, maybe me visiting once every 3 months is unreasonable.

They are OK when we are there. A little overbearing but I think it's just because they are excited to see the baby.

OP posts:
moonspiral · 24/04/2023 08:00

PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 07:58

His reasoning was that he just doesn't want to spend the day away from me but he will spend the day away from me doing his hobbies so it doesn't make sense!

Oh I meant to add, I'm happy for him to take our baby there by himself but I don't want to go to.

He wants you to look after the baby. Blatantly.

ViviPru · 24/04/2023 08:01

cpphelp · 24/04/2023 07:58

@ViviPru - once a month? When you're a grandparent, would you be happy with only seeing your grandchild and son 12 times a year?

if that’s what suits my daughters when they are adults then sure.

sunflowerdaisyrose · 24/04/2023 08:02

I wouldn't like anything quite so structured either way. Feels like an obligation then. We invite/get invited to our families' houses and (and vice versa) and then accept or decline depending on if we are busy.

Hankunamatata · 24/04/2023 08:02

I dont think see them once every two weeks for a day is loads esp with no back story or falling out.

I do think it's reasonable to alternate

Sissynova · 24/04/2023 08:03

Only seeing family once every 3 months when they live fairly locally is pretty extreme imo. I think you’re letting your own idea of family cloud what can be a normal extended family relationship.
Taking it in turns to visit seems fair.
Why are you so resistant to visiting them?
Not going once in 4 years is a long time!

Original poster
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 08:05

Its so difficult because I really don't want to go down there so often but yes, my dh family is the only family my baby will have so I want them to be close.

OP posts:
ShandaLear · 24/04/2023 08:06

He wants you to look after the baby and do all the chatting/helping with the parents, so he can sit back, watch the TV, and look like the good son.

justlurkinghere · 24/04/2023 08:08

Every second weekend might be a bit much. Maybe every four weeks, three at the most? I think every three months is a bit little. Every second or third weekend alternating who visits who with ILs wouldn't be unreasonable, since you have no other family to fit in. If you did, then you might need to space it more.

Original poster
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 08:10

I have been to visit them in the last 4 years but just no where near as often. For example, mothers/fathers day, birthdays, Christmas, bbqs etc

And it's not that I would only see them every 3 months. At the moment we see them every two weeks. I'm suggesting I would only see them once a month when they visit us and the other visit dh would go with baby and I would join occasionally.

But yes, I definitely feel my situation of having no family probably clouds my judgement.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 24/04/2023 08:10

Not a chance on earth would I go.
Not. A. Chance.
He doesn't get to police what you do every other weekend.
He can go with the baby, or not at all, that's his choice.

arethereanyleftatall · 24/04/2023 08:11

PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 07:58

His reasoning was that he just doesn't want to spend the day away from me but he will spend the day away from me doing his hobbies so it doesn't make sense!

Oh I meant to add, I'm happy for him to take our baby there by himself but I don't want to go to.

Yup, that's bullshit.

Hiddenvoice · 24/04/2023 08:12

PineappleLatte · 24/04/2023 07:58

Surely a fair compromise would be for ILs to alternate who drives every fortnight, and then OP does 50% of the trips where they are driving to in laws?

Personally I think even every fortnight would be too much, especially for a whole day at a time.

Show quote history

I’m just thinking back to my childhood when I had one set of grandparents and we seen them for a couple of hours every second week. We do this now with my baby and in laws and it doesn’t seem like too much. A few hours in the morning or afternoon every second week isn’t too much to ask.

op say to dh that once a month you’ll go there with the baby for the morning/ afternoon and the second visit of the month they visit you.

justlurkinghere · 24/04/2023 08:12

PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 08:10

I have been to visit them in the last 4 years but just no where near as often. For example, mothers/fathers day, birthdays, Christmas, bbqs etc

And it's not that I would only see them every 3 months. At the moment we see them every two weeks. I'm suggesting I would only see them once a month when they visit us and the other visit dh would go with baby and I would join occasionally.

But yes, I definitely feel my situation of having no family probably clouds my judgement.

That doesn't seem unreasonable. DH and baby go twice a month, with you going every second time. Do you generally get on well?

If you plan to return to work full time, you may want to keep more weekends to yourself and space it to every three or so. What's right varies for different people.