Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to visiting inlaws so often

234 replies

PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 07:53

Dh and I have a baby who is 6 months old. The inlaws have been visiting to see our baby every other weekend but now dh wants us to visit them every other weekend instead. His reasoning is that he wants our baby to get used to the car journey. They live 45 mins away.

Back story: we have been together for 14 years. I felt like dh used to emotionally blackmail me into visiting them every weekend when we first got together. This lasted about 10 years! I don't have any family and so I agreed but resented it. Imagine having no weekends to yourself for years! And it was never just popping in for tea, it was always a whole day thing. I did say a lot that I didn't want to go and for him to go by himself, but he wouldn't. It was either I go with him or he wouldn't go at all. I was frightened of being seen as coming between him and his family hence why I reluctantly agreed.

Since covid and now having a baby, I haven't had to go over. I don't mind them coming to us but I don't want to go there. My first thought was to alternate so they come here and then we go there but I don't even want to do that! I feel like I'm being a child stamping their foot. So please tell me if I am!

I'm thinking of saying I will go once every 3 months but is that horrible of me? Aibu to suggest that?

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 10:55

mainsfed · 24/04/2023 09:16

I think dh likes me to go and be the one to chat but I'm trying to be quieter and get him to do the talking.

I think this is why he says he doesn't want to be away from. He wants you to do the conversational heavy lifting. Funny how he is happy to spend all day away from you when doing his hobbies.

On these visits, have you tried not being the one who asks questions or introduces topics of discussion?

Yes I've started purposely being quiet and not starting conversations and it's so awkward. His parents don't have the best social skills which is probably why he wants me there but I'm so tired now that I have dd so I don't want to take the lead.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 24/04/2023 10:56

@PinkMonday if your baby is happier in the car if you are sitting in the back with them I bet your DH will use that as an excuse for you to have to accompany him when visiting his parents.

Do you socialise with any friends at the weekends?

mrsfennel · 24/04/2023 10:57

your suggestion is absolutely fine, you are not stopping him going. You are both adults and you are happy to visit but just not as often.

His parents coming to stay twice a month at yours is a lot!

I would just keep calmly repeating yourself, maybe arrange a few things to do at weekends. Then say to him he can go and then its up to him.

Original poster
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 10:59

Elliania · 24/04/2023 09:36

We used to visit a grandparent every week when I was a kid and I can tell you from my persepective, it was not fun. They didn't really interact with me (I used to be sent to play in another room when I got older) and I know my parent who was not the child of this grandparent resented the weekly routine. It left us with no family time at weekends really.
Tell your DH that you (and the baby when they are older) want to ENJOY seeing his parents, not resent it. Therefore it's better if visits aren't rigidly structured and not as frequent so that when you do spend time with them, everyone enjoys it. Otherwise it's too easy to fall into the mindset that it's a chore, an obligation and not a fun outing. You could also sometimes invite them to little outings like if you have nice parks near you or walks to go on.

This is what I am worried about, I want to enjoy seeing his family but I feel like I resent them because I'm being forced to see them all the time. I've had a break due to covid and now I don't want to go back to that.

I think I need to say that to dh when the next trip gets mentioned.

OP posts:
Thelastunicorns · 24/04/2023 10:59

I booked my DC into a couple of weekend activities to avoid a similar scenario. It means we can still visit for an hour or two, or they can come to us, but it also gets me out of sacrificing whole weekend days to sitting in PILs house.

Original poster
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 11:02

WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 24/04/2023 10:15

If you want them to be close, your attitude needs to change. They’ll barely know them if they see them once every 3 months. My baby sees all of her grandparents, aunties and cousins every week, usually more than once. I’m not always there and my husband isn’t always there and it’s not done according to a rigid timetable either. Why be so intense about it?

Show quote history

I'm not suggesting my baby only sees them every 3 months. I'm suggesting we all see them as a family at our house every month. PLUS dh taking dd to them once a month (or more). So dd would see them twice a month minimum.

I would then join them on a visit every now and then. Maybe every 6 weeks or so.

OP posts:
Cedilla · 24/04/2023 11:03

I’m quite suspicious that your DH and FIL both just happened to bring up the idea of you travelling to see them from now on as though it was a done deal, OP. It's like they cooked it up between them without consulting you. I definitely wouldn’t be happy with this, especially not if I’d been pressured into 10 years of visiting every weekend.

Pr1mr0se · 24/04/2023 11:03

I think you've been a saint. I see my in-laws every three months and they are local. Otherwise my husband visits them. Do whatever you feel comfortable with particularly in your own home. What worked before the baby may not be what you want now and that is totally reasonable.

Goldbar · 24/04/2023 11:05

PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 10:55

Yes I've started purposely being quiet and not starting conversations and it's so awkward. His parents don't have the best social skills which is probably why he wants me there but I'm so tired now that I have dd so I don't want to take the lead.

Show quote history

If he doesn't want to deal with his parents so often, he needs to see them less (and deal with the fallout)

I'd start claiming tiredness and going for a sleep sometimes when they visit you.

He's their child. You're not a stand-in for him on days when he's not feeling like playing nice.

Original poster
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 11:05

WaltzingWaters · 24/04/2023 10:17

No need to have such a structured schedule of when to visit. But yeah, once every couple of months seems fine. And he can take baby whenever he wants to give you a break. Strange for him to never want to go without you. My in-laws are amazing but I still don’t want to spend a whole day with them each other week.

This is exactly what I want to do. I will make sure I say every couple of months rather than every x weeks as I don't want it to be structured.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 11:06

Crepyenvalois · 24/04/2023 10:45

It’s good to have some boundaries and push back, albeit gently, now and again as it can cause resentment when trapped into regular visits such that you miss out on other things.

SIL and BIL ended up having to do duty visits every weekend to MIL who considered that SIL lived in too poor an area to visit that she only visited their home twice in 10 years, even though it was only a few miles away. (When they got some cash together to decorate it nicely she moaned about that too). Their DCs resented being dragged to see MIL (eventually got to hear about her dissing their home) and now they hardly ever want to see her.

Luckily we live too far away for all this duty visit malarkey.

That is how I feel about visiting! Resentful! And I don't want it to be like that.

OP posts:
WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 24/04/2023 11:06

toomuchlaundry · 24/04/2023 10:50

@WhatAmIDoingWrong123 the OP isn't suggesting that GPs only see the baby every 3 months, the OP was saying that she would only go to GPs house every 3 months, GPs were free to come to them and DH was free to take baby to theirs, it was only OP reducing her visits to them

I couldn’t imagine refusing to see my in-laws except once every 3 months. What’s so wrong with ‘as and when’? Wouldn’t be for me, all this scheduling.

Original poster
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 11:08

toomuchlaundry · 24/04/2023 10:56

@PinkMonday if your baby is happier in the car if you are sitting in the back with them I bet your DH will use that as an excuse for you to have to accompany him when visiting his parents.

Do you socialise with any friends at the weekends?

I was thinking that he may use this as an excuse too. I was thinking about telling him to turn the airbags off and she can go in the front? Or is that dangerous. I've not researched it yet. Other option is to get a mirror for thr carseat.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 11:10

toomuchlaundry · 24/04/2023 10:56

@PinkMonday if your baby is happier in the car if you are sitting in the back with them I bet your DH will use that as an excuse for you to have to accompany him when visiting his parents.

Do you socialise with any friends at the weekends?

And no, we don't really socialise with friends at the weekend. I tend to do things in the week at the moment as I'm on maternity leave and he does his hobbies some weekends. Not all the time but that will increase when the weather gets warmer as its outdoor hobbies. Which I have no problem with as I'm not being made to do something I don't want.

OP posts:
MeetMyCat · 24/04/2023 11:11

Fitting in chores and life and your own sanity into a weekend is hard enough without a compulsory tally on visiting your in-laws

This!! OP, you're in a very weird set-up, please set some boundaries ASAP

Red0 · 24/04/2023 11:13

Is there a halfway point where you could meet for lunch occasionally? Then there’s a definite end point after the meal rather than having to be with them all day.

BridieConvert · 24/04/2023 11:13

sunflowerdaisyrose · 24/04/2023 08:02

I wouldn't like anything quite so structured either way. Feels like an obligation then. We invite/get invited to our families' houses and (and vice versa) and then accept or decline depending on if we are busy.

I agree with this.

Original poster
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 11:15

Thelastunicorns · 24/04/2023 10:59

I booked my DC into a couple of weekend activities to avoid a similar scenario. It means we can still visit for an hour or two, or they can come to us, but it also gets me out of sacrificing whole weekend days to sitting in PILs house.

I will definitely be doing this when she is a bit older but there's not many places I can take her at the moment on the weekend. She's 6 months so maybe in another 6 months?

OP posts:
MeetMyCat · 24/04/2023 11:15

What happens if something crops up, and threatens the schedule? Do you have to put in a variation request with 7 days notice??!?

Original poster
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 11:17

MeetMyCat · 24/04/2023 11:11

Fitting in chores and life and your own sanity into a weekend is hard enough without a compulsory tally on visiting your in-laws

This!! OP, you're in a very weird set-up, please set some boundaries ASAP

Yes I definitely need to! I am not going to say anything until dh brings up the next trip and then will say that I will go with him every other time. So he can take dd if he wants to go but I'll be going every couple of months but they are welcome here whenever.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 11:19

MeetMyCat · 24/04/2023 11:15

What happens if something crops up, and threatens the schedule? Do you have to put in a variation request with 7 days notice??!?

If things crop up then the visit just happens the following week.

OP posts:
RavenclawLuna · 24/04/2023 11:19

I think 3 months is being unreasonable, once a month wouldn't be unreasonable in my books though.

Ottersmith · 24/04/2023 11:21

Oh god that sounds like a nightmare. You've paid your dues. It's well within the rights of a spouse to stop going to in laws ENTIRELY if they wish after just a few years. Your husband is being a dick and he needs to let you stay at home. If he doesn't then I'd be worried about his controlling behaviour. Bin them off!

5128gap · 24/04/2023 11:22

I'm sorry OP, but you married this man in full knowledge that his family of origin were important to him. Whether people on here see it excessive or not is irrelevant. Its who he is and always has been, and it was clear that he wanted to see them frequently from the off set. In many ways that's a good thing as it demonstrates loyalty and family values and provides involved extended family for your children.
You describe him as emotionally blackmailing you about it, but to be fair, you must have allowed it. Nothing to have stopped you from saying, I'm sorry but a man who wants to see his family weekly isn't a good fit for me; and either compromised or moved on. It's a bit late now to expect him to distance himself now a child is going to add even more reason for him and his parents to want regular contact.
I don't think there's any reasonable way to reduce his contact with them, but you should be able to minimise the inconvenience to you. So he could go alone, or they could visit.

Original poster
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 11:27

5128gap · 24/04/2023 11:22

I'm sorry OP, but you married this man in full knowledge that his family of origin were important to him. Whether people on here see it excessive or not is irrelevant. Its who he is and always has been, and it was clear that he wanted to see them frequently from the off set. In many ways that's a good thing as it demonstrates loyalty and family values and provides involved extended family for your children.
You describe him as emotionally blackmailing you about it, but to be fair, you must have allowed it. Nothing to have stopped you from saying, I'm sorry but a man who wants to see his family weekly isn't a good fit for me; and either compromised or moved on. It's a bit late now to expect him to distance himself now a child is going to add even more reason for him and his parents to want regular contact.
I don't think there's any reasonable way to reduce his contact with them, but you should be able to minimise the inconvenience to you. So he could go alone, or they could visit.

Completely get what you are saying but him seeing his family has never been and would never be a negative or a reason to not be with him. I would never stop him and don't want to. I actively encourage him to visit family but he never wants to go unless I go to.

This is my issue, me going. I dont want to go so often. It wouldn't bother me if he went there everyday! In fact, he is an only child so when it comes to looking after them in old age this may be something that will happen.

OP posts: